Usually Eva would say something when she came back to their room, however insubstantial, but Alida's initial greeting had only been met with silence.
She looked over her shoulder from where she was sitting. "Eva?" she asked, a tinge of concern in her voice. Eva was standing at the door with her briefcase still in hand, looking at the floor with unfocused eyes.
"Everything okay?"
When she still didn't get any response, Alida stood up and quietly walked over to her wife.
She gently laid a hand on her arm. "Hey, Eva?"
Eva looked up, eyes focusing only slightly.
"Are you okay?"
She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. Her breathing was stilted.
"Can you talk at all?"
She shook her head.
"Is it an episode?"
She nodded.
Alida pulled her into a hug and just held her for a moment.
She didn't know exactly what would have caused it. It could've been anything from Eva wearing the "wrong" shirt for the day to some massive breakdown in the project that fell on her shoulders with no warning. Either way, it was bad enough to get her to this point. Alida knew she wouldn't have time for the break she needed before she had to go back to everything the next day, but this was a practised thing in their lives by now.
"I'm going to let go. I'm going to take your briefcase and put it by the door, and then turn the light off. Then I'm going to walk you over to the bed and get you some clothes to sleep in. Okay?"
She waited until Eva nodded, before doing exactly as she said. Once Eva was standing at the side of their bed, illuminated only by the lamp on the nightstand, Alida said, "I'm going to step away for a moment, but I'll be back in a few seconds. I'm just getting you clothes." Again, she waited for her to nod before moving.
When she turned back around with the clothes in hand, Eva's eyes were darting around the room and she was wringing out her hands. As Alida quickly stepped closer she realised she was trembling.
She placed the clothes on the bed and gently but firmly took her hands.
"You're okay, just breathe."
Eva abruptly tugged her hands away and bit her lip as her breathing started to speed up. Skin-on-skin contact was always a 50-50 in these cases, and this was one time she'd guessed wrong.
"Shit, I'm sorry."
Eva shook her head slightly and her eyes started to shine as tears welled up and Alida knew from that alone that whatever had happened had been going on for hours. Eva wasn't one to cry, and practically never cried because of her own discomfort. If it was bad enough to get her like this, it had been building up for way too long. She hugged her again, tighter than would be comfortable for anyone else, making sure to avoid touching her skin directly. Eva's head fell gently onto her shoulder.
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm right here."
Alida started tapping on the small of her back very slowly, in a consistent rhythmic pattern Eva could follow and count. It gave her something to keep track of, to keep her mind from spiralling too much, as well as something to copy.
"Breathe," Alida said, her voice soft. "You're doing great, just keep breathing."
She felt the rise and fall of Eva's chest starting slowing down, and Alida gently sighed in relief. "It's okay, it's just us now. You're okay."
Soon enough, her breathing came in tandem with Alida's tapping and she leaned against her wife.
Alida let her fingers still and held her. "How many?" she asked.
Eva quickly tapped Alida's chest thirty-seven times.
She smiled. "Good job."
Alida stayed there for a bit longer, making sure her breathing remained steady before saying anything else.
"Let me help you get changed, okay? Quickly as I can, I promise."
After getting another nod in response, Alida moved back and started to unbutton her shirt. Except for the few moments that required her to let go, Eva kept an iron grip on Alida's wrist. It wasn't the most comfortable sensation in the world and didn't make the process much easier, but Alida knew it helped and she didn't mind anyway.
When she was done, she reached over to the nightstand and took out a pen and pad of paper, leaving it beside the lamp just in case Eva needed anything later.
"Is there anything else you need to do?"
Eva thought for a moment, before shaking her head. She squeezed her wrist once, a sort of silent thank you and affirmation. Alida smiled and nodded. "Of course."
She climbed into bed, making sure there was more than enough room for Eva to situate herself however she wanted.
Once she was beside her, Alida propped herself up on her elbow. "Wake me up if you need anything at any time, okay?"
Eva nodded. Giving her one last smile, Alida laid back down and let herself slowly drift off.
—
"Alida?"
Still mostly asleep, Alida hummed in response.
"I'm sorry for earlier."
Alida rolled over and squinted at her. The lamp on the nightstand was still on and lit her silhouette. She was sitting up and looking across the room, hands placed firmly in her lap.
"That was inconsiderate of me. I should have dealt with it on my own before coming back to you. I did not mean to interrupt your evening."
Her words were clear and steady. She didn't seem all that tired. Alida couldn't guess how long she'd been awake for already, if she'd even gone to sleep in the first place. But she was talking again, and Alida just hoped she wasn't pushing herself to speak before she was really ready. She took a deep breath.
"Eva."
"Yes?"
"How long have I known you?"
"Twenty-nine years."
"How long have I loved you?"
"Twenty-nine years."
"How long have I loved all of you?"
"…Twenty-nine years."
"Mhm." She blinked the sleep from her eyes. "You know your episodes don't bother me."
Eva stayed silent.
"What happened?"
"It was all insignificant."
"…Okay. What happened?"
Eva sighed. "A meeting this morning, one of the longer ones. One of the representatives, I…I don't remember from where, kept clicking their pen. Practically the entire time. Attempting to focus on other things only led to noticing the tag on the back of my shirt pressing against my neck and how often the man sitting two chairs down on my left cleared his throat. Nothing truly disruptive, only things…I have always found problems with. Nonsensically."
Alida made a mental note to cut off the tag.
"More things came up later in the day. I don't recall the exact origin of the problem, at that point my irritation got in the way of thinking perfectly clear, but multiple meetings were rearranged and I believe multiple tests had to be rescheduled as well. I don't…remember what they were. I should know. I'll check tomorrow." She glanced at the clock on the bedside table, which displayed it was well past midnight. Today, then.
"I didn't get a chance to eat, and everything was thrown off. Not something I should have trouble with, especially after dealing with this sort of calamity as often as I have, but that didn't stop me from hardly being able to breathe through the remaining meetings of the day. And I couldn't ignore the feeling of that clothing tag on my neck." Eva sighed. "It wasn't that bad, in the grand scheme of things. I don't know why I reacted so severely."
"Because you've already had a run of uneven days. I'm not surprised you had an episode, love, you already weren't doing very well. I'm sorry it all piled up today."
"It isn't anything new. Things like that have happened countless times before. It is not an excuse."
Alida gave her a look and sat up.
"I know you are often too tenacious for me to get this into your head, but it is completely acceptable for you to be flawed."
Eva started wringing her hands again.
"We both know you don't think or act like other people do. We've both known that for a long time. And that's fine, Eva. It's fine. You don't have to apologise for that. That's just how you are."
"And it's how I've been since I was a child. I've become accustomed to it and I've learned to adapt and cope. At this point it's impolite to continuously make it your responsibility so often when I am perfectly capable of handling it on my own."
"Oh, don't play detached administrator with me, I've known you since you were nineteen years old. Yes, you can handle it on your own, but you shouldn't. It doesn't matter if it's "just" a bunch of little things that build up, I've seen how they affect you."
"I have more important obligations."
"Can I touch you?" Alida asked.
Eva remained silent for a moment before quietly responding, "Yes."
Alida gently took her hand. Eva still didn't look at her and Alida didn't mind.
"You're no less important. When you're too distressed you start to fall apart at the seams, and all those important obligations fall to the side whether you want them to or not. You have a lot of authority and a lot of responsibility. It's no surprise this happened, nor that it's happening more often, and you know as well as I do that it's most likely going to continue on like this. You literally have the weight of the world on your shoulders."
"Alida, I almost let it all shut me down earlier in the day. If that had happened I wouldn't have been able to work as I need to for at least several hours. I was able to endure it today, and the past few times as well, but it would be irresponsible of me if I am not able to endure the next time."
Alida shifted closer and let her voice go soft.
"I have said this every time you go through something like this and I will happily keep saying it for the rest of my life as long as it means I still get to be in yours. If you need to, regardless of whether you want to, please, please let yourself do what you need to do. Take every break you can. I know you want to push yourself through the day but it's not good for you. It will lead to you having an episode you can't fight off. You need to give yourself small intervals where you can have a moment to breathe. Even if you think it's inefficient, even if it's just with me."
She paused briefly to give Eva a moment before continuing. "Please come back to me at the end of the day and let me hold you until you can breathe again. Please let yourself sit next to me and know you don't need to talk unless you actually want to. Do all the repetitive motions you have to do to calm yourself down without worrying about other people seeing you act "unprofessional." You're human, Eva. I know it's easy to forget when other people don't treat you like one but it's important to me that you remember."
Smiling gently, Alida sighed. "We've been doing this for decades. You're still the woman I fell in love with, even when you think you're inconveniencing me. I know your job can't be secondary to much and I know you can't just take breaks whenever you want, but don't treat yourself like you have a standard to uphold around me. You can't keep doing something like this and stay whole. You have to fall apart sometimes. Just please let me help put you back together."
The room fell quiet for a moment. Eva looked down at their intertwined hands and took a deep breath.
"…I don't want the worst parts of me to be the only ones that you see. That isn't fair to you, and it's not what you asked for when you agreed to marry me," she said quietly.
Alida stared at her before putting her other hand at the back of her neck and kissing her without a second thought.
Eva remained still for a second before responding in turn. As soon as she did, Alida quickly untangled her hand from Eva's fingers and let go of her neck, grabbing her waist and pulling her as close as she could. She felt Eva's arms wrap around her neck and she tilted her head, deepening the kiss. She couldn't actually put all her love for Eva into one action, but she could try.
A few long moments later, once Alida knew she had gotten at least part of her point across, she pulled back.
"Don't ever say anything like that again. I've lived longer with you than I have without you. I love you, and that includes the worst parts of you. I don't care if that's all that I see if it means I still get to be in your life."
Eva slowly removed her arms from around Alida's neck.
Looking off to the side, she said, "You're too kind to me. This can't be what you wanted when you met me. I understand…I understand that nothing about me is ideal. We both know my habits have been getting worse and the episodes are more frequent. And I know being cooped up on an aircraft carrier, rarely ever seeing me except at night isn't how you imagined our lives playing out."
Alida let go of her waist as Eva gazed down at her hands. "I want you to know that it's okay if you don't love me as much as you used to, and it's okay if you want to leave. I understand."
The certainty in her voice alone brought tears to Alida's eyes and she looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to keep them from falling.
"We both know you would be better off if you did."
They sat in silence for a moment.
"Do…do you want me to leave?" Alida asked.
Eva looked to her quickly. "No, of course not."
Alida nodded to herself and pulled her back into a tight embrace. "Please don't say that ever again."
"Alida…" Eva whispered, her voice disheartened.
"I love you. I love you just as much as the day I met you. I'll love you even if you get worse, and I'll love you even if I barely get to see you again. I would never be better off without you. Never. Please don't say that. Please don't say you believe that."
Eva rested her head on her shoulder and snaked her arms around Alida's waist like she was giving in to something she didn't think she deserved.
"I don't want to drag you down with me. It's selfish."
"You're not dragging me anywhere, Eva, and you're the furthest possible thing from selfish. You are everything I ever could have wanted. I know you see all your idiosyncrasies as problems, and I won't say they don't get in the way of having a normal life sometimes, but I don't care. I truly couldn't care less. You're the most important person in my life."
Eva didn't respond and as the silence dragged on, Alida started to worry that the day's events had gotten her too far inside her own head for her to be of any help.
Then, "…How can you not care?" Eva whispered.
"Because I love you. It's the easiest thing in the world," Alida responded, just as quietly.
Eva buried her face in the crook of her neck.
Alida gently kissed her head. "You don't have to say anything, not if you don't want to. I know."
Alida felt Eva nod and her arms tighten around her. She could feel her steady breathing against her neck. Eva was okay, and she knew she was loved. That's all Alida needed.
quick little book doodle of rocky watching adrian sleep because I've had this adrian design in my head since last summer but never actually got around to drawing it until now. anyways does anyone ever think about rocky constantly needing to touch adrian after he comes home to them so he can make sure they're real and actually there, especially when they're asleep and immobilised
I'm half-asleep and very disoriented but something's wrong. I can feel the vibrations through the walls from Rocky banging some tool to try and wake me up. Rubbing the fatigue and blurriness from my eyes, I squint over at whatever is happening. He's moving erratically and the only way I can describe his body language is terrified and panicking. My blood goes a little cold and I almost fall out of my bed trying to stand up and get the translator on at the same time.
I'm kneeling at the xenonite wall within seconds. Words and vibrations come through the translator at the speed of light with basically no coherency.Â
"Arm—cannot—Grace something wrong—bad bad bad—"
"Rocky—"
"Bad bad bad—stuck—cannot—cannot move—Grace help—help—"
"Hey, hey—Rocky—"
"Bad bad bad—"
I stop and just stay there, letting him rattle on and on, slightly dumbfounded. It's like I'm not even here, he's still slamming his tool into the wall. What happened?
"Hurts—not work—something broken—help help help—bad bad bad—Grace help—"
I slam a hand on the wall. I don't know what else to do, I've never seen him like this.Â
"Rocky! Stop!"
He flinches back and my heart drops. But I think he's snapped out of it. A little, at least.
The tool goes still in his hand. "Grace, question? Are here, question—?"
"Yeah. What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"No no no, not okay."
He's trembling so badly I'm not sure how he's still standing.Â
Jesus…
"All right, all right, what's wrong?"
"Arm is—arm—" He cuts himself off and makes some sort of…strangled warble that comes through the translator oddly.
"You said it hurts?"
"Yes, hurt, but not problem—it—Grace help—"
"Hey, hey. Rocky, slow down." I try to remember what he always says to me when I get like this. "I'm here, buddy."
"You—you are here," He repeats, like he's reminding himself.Â
"Yeah, I'm here, I'm right here. Breathe for a second, okay?"
"Breathe."
He slowly sits down, tucking all his legs under himself except the injured one, which is sticking out at an odd angle with the bad joint bent. He's still shaking, but he's calmer.Â
"You're okay, you're safe." I get the feeling I used to be better at this kind of thing on Earth but I just can't really remember it.
"Safe."
I give him a moment and wait until he's stopped trembling so much before I say anything else.
"All right, okay. What's wrong with your arm?"
"Can't move it," He says, talking slower and more intelligibly than before.Â
"It hurts too much to move?"
"No no no. Elbow joint can't move. Joint broken, not working, can't move."
…What?
"Can you move it closer to the wall? Let me look."
Very gently, he turns himself so his arm is right up against the xenonite. He keeps it in his brace tucked under his carapace almost constantly. I've barely seen it at all. I shift so I'm sitting on the ground and I squint at it.Â
The discolouration has spread and part of it's just…gone. Like when acid eats away at metal. That's a physical change, so Rocky knew. I kind of want to throw up.
"Okay, it's okay. Uh, what do you mean it's broken?"
"Joint not work. Is like no joint there, cannot bend or twist it. Just solid."
"Like it locked up?"
"Yes, lock."
I keep looking at it but the area is so messy and muddled I just can't really see anything right.
"Hurts."
"Worse than usual?"
"Yes."
I bite my lip.
"Just want it to stop. Want pain to stop."
I curl up. We sit without speaking for a moment. Neither of us know what to do.
"Do you want to c…" I pause and swallow. "Should we cut it off?"
He doesn't respond at first. Then, "Would amputate but do not know how. Do not want to do it incorrectly. Then shoulder joint may get sick too. Closer to carapace, more dangerous."
"I'm sorry Rocky...I...I wish I knew what to do." I feel tears start to well up. I wipe them away. "Sorry."
"Why are you leaking, question?"
"I'm just—sad this is all happening."
"…Why, question?" He asks, confused. "Not happening to you."
I stare at him. "Because you're my best friend, Rocky. I care about you. You're right here but I can't do anything, I can't even—comfort you properly. I want it to be okay but I can't help at all and this wouldn't have happened if I had just..." If I had found him earlier. If I had noticed the Taumoeba outbreak earlier. If I had maybe thought to check if anything else had happened when I bred generations of an alien microbe I barely knew anything about to evolve to withstand one single specific variable.Â
"If you had what, question?"
I stop myself and wave him off. "Nevermind, now's not the time for that. I just...I want you to be okay, and I want to be able to make the pain stop, at least. I have all this technology and knowledge on the ship, we should be able to make it stop, but it's all useless."
"You are here, that is not useless."
I sigh. "I promised you it would be okay and I meant it, Rocky. I just wish I could actually help." I sniffle and wipe my eyes again.
"Do help. You are here, you worry and you care. Very helpful for me. Know you would fix it if possible."Â
I nod, tears still gently running down my face.Â
He anxiously taps some of his fingers on the floor and I look at him with a mix of concern and curiosity. Something's eating away at him.Â
"Hey. Bother me."
Staying silent, he shifts uncomfortably where he's sitting.Â
"Remember what I said, Rocky. It's okay. I'm just worried. Don't make yourself more alone."Â
He keeps fidgeting with his hands until, finally, he speaks up.
"Sometimes I am scared it is not real. Or it is not very bad and I worrying too much with no reason. You tell me it is real, and you worry also. Reassure. Is...comforting to see you scared. Do not like seeing you scared, not good. But you scared makes me feel I can be scared also. Sometimes pain is very bad. Sometimes cannot do anything, hurts too much. Sometimes think should sleep more often, very often, so I will not feel pain even if I am not conscious for it. Is only way to make pain stop."
My stomach flips over. Jesus Christ, Rocky. I move to say something, but he stops me.
"Know that is bad idea. But pain overwhelming. And you give me reason to stay awake. You distract from pain. Maybe you cannot fix arm, but you fix head. You are very helpful."
Swallowing roughly, I put the back of my hand to my lips and press my tongue to the roof of my mouth to try to stop myself from letting out a sob. The vibrations turn faint through the translator.
"Am...very very very scared. Scared for long time, and alone for long time. Would rather be scared with you than scared without you. You make less scared. You are reason I alive."
I let my hand fall and get as close to the xenonite as I can, pressing my head against it. Mirroring me, Rocky reaches a hand up and holds it against the wall. I close my eyes for a moment.
"Maybe not would have happened if crew survive and ship not break in first place. But maybe then not meet you. And later if ship not die, I not get hurt, yes, but you also not come back. Hurt arm is worth you, Grace."
I've given up trying to make the tears stop. They're not all sad tears now, though.
"I'm glad I came back."
"I am also glad. Thank thank thank."
We stay like that for a while.Â
When my neck starts hurting, I take a deep breath and sit up.Â
"You know, there's a chance that your joint locking is a good thing. It could be that it's shutting down in some way to control the infection or something. I don't know if the pain will go away, but I think maybe this is a defence thing."Â
"Maybe. Would be good. Sickness stop, not get worse, and then Eridian doctors can fix and reverse when we get to Erid."
"Yeah. It'll be okay. Even if—even if..." I let my hands trail off. I don't really want to think about it getting worse. I'm already a little sick to my stomach over it. "They'll fix it."
I guess my faltering was obvious, because he responds, "You are very smart. I trust you. If you say will be okay, I believe."
Rocky's reorganising some of his stuff. It's something he does every once in a while when he gets bored. I don't exactly know what he reorganises everything to, but I know there's some order to it each time. That's not really what I'm focusing on though.
Rocky had said his arms would heal after I had saved him, and yeah, one of them is fine now but the other…not so much. I've been watching him for a few minutes and he hasn't used that arm for anything, he's just been keeping it tucked under his carapace. Every once in a while he'll move it to grab something out of reflex, before twitching and switching to a different arm.
I noticed it before—well, I noticed it had never really healed, but I just thought maybe it was worse off than the other one and was taking longer to recover. Paying more attention to it recently, though, it honestly looks way worse than it did when I first found him.
"Your arm."
He pauses for a moment before resuming. "I am fine."
"You said you'd heal."
"Yes, is healing. Taking longer."
That catches me slightly off guard. Rocky usually isn't one to say something that has so much evidence against it. "…Are you sure?"
"I am fine."
"It just looks like it's gotten worse."
"Arm is fine."
"You've barely been using it for anything."
"I say I am fine, why you not listen, question?"
"You—"
He stops abruptly. "I am fine."
I stop for a second. I can feel the agitation in his voice through the translator. I don't want to push him and make him talk about something he's not ready to, but I'm worried. I'm really, really worried.
When I don't respond he deflates a little and goes back to moving his things around.
I bite my lip, stand up from my bed, and make my way over to the xenonite wall. I watch him manoeuvre himself around and there's a stiffness he doesn't usually carry himself with. I don't think he knows what's wrong either.
Gently, I sign, "Rocky…it's just me."
He goes still, but doesn't reply.
"I'll…I'll drop it if you want me to, but just let me look at it at least? Please?"
His carapace sinks a little, before he finally starts to walk over. I sit down.
He slowly reaches his arm out towards me. "Did that hurt at all?"
"Yes. Only small amount."
I furrow my eyebrows but let it go. I look closer at it. "What makes it hurt?"
"…Specify, question?"
"Like, does it hurt to move it or put any weight on it? Or does it just hurt all the time?"
"Hurt is constant. Not lot of pain. More pain when move or put weight on. Sometimes all feeling go away. Is nice, no pain, but also cannot feel anything so still cannot use it. Is not bad, though. I am fine."
Yeah buddy, sure.
"What's that?"
"What is what, question?"
"That weird bit by your elbow joint."
"Cannot hear anything. What is weird, question?"
Oh…
"Uh, it's a little off-coloured."
"What look like, question?"
It's an orange-ish yellow with bits of grey that's concentrated on the inside of the joint. It looks…ugly. I don't know enough about Eridian biology to know what that means. But if it's not physically changing anything, then Eridians probably don't know what this means either. They probably don't even know it happens.
"It's a brighter colour, kind of a mix of two. They have a slightly higher frequency than the rest of you on the light spectrum. But some spots don't have any pigment, like the same colour as the lab table. I don't see any change in texture though, so it makes sense you didn't know about it."
Maybe that's just what happens when an Eridian injury gets worse and then gets better. Maybe this is the start of a nasty infection and it'll keep spreading until it starts to damage his skin. I don't know.
"Does that spot hurt more than your other joints when you move it?"
"Yes."
That's not good.
"I think something's wrong, buddy."
"Is okay. Will heal." His voice feels strained.
"Do you know what's wrong?"
"Arm is hurt. Just healing weird, is fine."
"Has anything ever healed like this before?"
"…No."
"Do you want to look at it with the camera—?"
"No." It's a quick and sharp response that almost cuts me off, but he's not mad at me.
I wring out my hands.
"I know you're pretty shaken up, and I know we can't really do anything, but telling yourself it's just fine isn't gonna help. And it's only going to make you feel worse if it keeps deteriorating like this. I'm not—I' m not saying you need to be panicking over it every minute, but just…don't ignore it, okay?"
He shifts anxiously and I give him a second. I know how badly my head was messed up from the chemical burning, I don't know how much worse I would have been if I didn't really know what was happening with it. I fidget with my left hand and run a finger over where one of my nails used to be.
Eventually, he says, "Do not know what is happening. Have gotten hurt before but never like this. Other arm heal fine, why not this arm, question?"
"I don't know. I'm sorry."
"Am scared, Grace." He says it so softly I can barely feel it. My chest seizes up and a pit forms in my stomach.
I don't really know what to say.
"I'm sorry…"
I pick at my cuticles as neither of us say anything.
"It's okay. To be scared, I mean."
He wiggles uncomfortably. "I have…experienced much. Do not know why I am so scared because of this when worse things have happened."
"It piles up. This kind of thing would be alarming on its own, it doesn't make it better you've been put through so much other, much more distressing stuff. If anything it makes it worse. You deserve a break."
"You also. How is your arm, question?"
I shrug. "Still uncomfortable, still itchy. It hurts every once in a while, but it's not that noticeable." That makes me think of something. I got lucky with it but…maybe Rocky won't be. "Have I ever brought up amputations before?"
"No. What word mean, question?"
I take a second to figure out a gentle way to word it. "Sometimes when a human's limb gets really sick, we cut it off to make sure the rest of the body stays healthy. If my arm hadn't healed, I might've had to amputate it to keep the rest of me safe. Do…do you think that might be helpful? Maybe not now, but if it gets worse?"
He shivers.
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. It's a—well, it's a pretty terrifying thought."
Stiffly, he replies, "Maybe. Would not know how to, I not a doctor. Don't want to. Bad bad bad."
"Yeah, bad bad bad. Don't worry about it just yet, okay? Maybe it'll heal itself on its own and we won't have to do anything."
"Maybe."
I shift where I'm sitting. I probably should've brought that up…not right now.
"Um, maybe you could make a brace for it or something? I could try and make something out of the other jumpsuits if you wanted. Well—I don't remember what they're made out of so it might melt in your atmosphere, so maybe not. But you could make something to tie it to your shirt in some way so you don't keep moving it out of habit. Or maybe moving it around and stretching it would help it, actually. I'm not sure—sorry."
"Is okay. Brace would help, can try it out."
"Is…is there a reason you haven't tried anything yet?"
He shifts his carapace back and forth.
"If I do something to try and fix, then would mean I accept something is wrong. Did not want to, just want it to go away. Not smart to do, I know."
"Humans do that too. I understand."
After a moment, he asks, "Grace mad, question? Or annoyed, question?"
I sit up straighter. "Hey, no, of course not. Why would I be?"
"Was rude before. Then dump problem on you. Is okay if you are mad, I understand. I am sorry."
"I'm not mad, Rocky, I promise. Don't apologise. I'm just worried. It's…hard when I know something's wrong but I can't help you."
"I feel same."
"Yeah," I smile. "But you're in a lot of pain and you don't know why. Even if you were being annoying, I think you deserve it. Be easy on yourself."
"But do not want to bother you."
I nod and sigh. I know the feeling. "It's just us. And it's going to just be us for a long time. If we don't bother each other, then we'll ignore each other. Remember what I said when we met?"
"Said many things when we meet."
I don't know if he actually doesn't know what I'm talking about or he just wants to see me say it. Either way, I'm happy to repeat. "I said I didn't want to ignore you. I still don't."
"Do not want to ignore you either."
"Then bother me. Maybe not constantly if you can manage it, but I'd really, really rather be annoyed than be alone. I think we've both had enough of that, you especially."
"…Promise to tell me if I bother too much, question?"
"Yeah, of course."
I cock my head to the side.
"You don't bother me by being you, though."
"What mean, question?"
"I don't want you to stop being yourself just to try to avoid annoying me. If we get on each other's nerves we get on each other's nerves, but I don't want you to…fade away, I guess, just because you're being overly cautious for my sake. I've done that to myself before and I don't want you to do that either, 'cause it sucks."
"Have done before too. Will try not to. Apologise if not success."
"Don't apologise, just try. It's all either of us can really do."
Rocky does a small jazz hand and carefully sits down, laying his injured arm out on the floor.
"Do you want me to stay here for a bit?"
"If not mind, question?"
"Not at all." I move so my legs are stretched out and I'm leaning against the xenonite wall. "Hey," I raise my left arm up. "We can be matching."
I'm still silently crying. I've calmed down, but only a bit. It's a little hard to breathe and I can't talk yet either. Sometimes I think about Earth, and my students, and my old life, and my lack of choice in losing it too much and it all kind of…erupts and then I can't stop crying. So now I'm curled up in the pilot's seat, hugging myself and zoning out as the tears continue to run down my face.
"Hi Grace."
I look up and behind me to see him clacking along his side of the xenonite. I honestly didn't even hear him come up from the dormitory. I move to return the greeting but the words are still stuck in my throat and I can't get anything out, so I just wave.
"Wanted to make sure okay. Are okay, question?"
Turning the chair around to face him, I nod a little and try to wipe my eyes on my sleeve, but the tears soak through it and all the sudden the only thing I can feel is the wet fabric sticking to my arm and it makes my skin crawl. I sit up and take off the top of my jumpsuit as quickly as possible, but I'm still trembling a little and it's a struggle. I sniffle and look at the ground.
"Still not feel okay."
I shrug.
"What is wrong, question?"
I try to force myself to say something but I can't, it just comes out as a strangled kind of embarrassing whimper. And then I realise I basically have no way of communicating with him. He's just worried but I can't tell him anything, I can't explain why I can't talk, he can't read anything I could write out, and I choke out another sob as that feeling that I'm drowning begins to come back.
"Is okay, take time. Breathe."
I shake my head as I start struggling for air again and mentally kick myself. When the initial breakdown, meltdown, crying session, whatever you want to call it started, I had tried to tamp it down a bit so I wouldn't bother Rocky. Kind of a stupid thing to go for when he can hear everything on the ship, but I didn't want to make me his problem. And I guess it worked well enough that he only came to check on me now. So I should've been able to wave him off, assure him I'm fine, and move on. But no, I just had to be like this for no reason.
I want to apologise because this is so stupid, I'm a grown adult and I should be better at this by now.
I know this isn't something you grow out of, it can't be cured or fixed or anything like that. And I know that's fine, that's just how it is for me and that's okay, I've known that for a long time. But right now I'm stressed and overwhelmed and kind of miserable and I can't talk to Rocky or tell him anything and I'm just plain mad because it's so stupid that I can be this useless so all that sensible stuff goes out the window.
Looking back up at him, I try pointing to my mouth and shaking my head. He looks confused, but after a bit more desperate miming I think it clicks.
"…Cannot talk, question?"
I point at him and nod.
"Oh."
I look away and wrap my arms around myself again. I honestly had hoped that maybe this just wouldn't happen in front of Rocky. It's been happening since I was a kid, so I've had more than a while to get used to it. But there's a nagging feeling of shame resurfacing even though I thought I had gotten over that years ago. I guess…maybe it's that I'm kind of the representative of my whole species for Rocky, but I'm so messed up that I'm failing at doing the job well. So getting through this whole mission without losing my ability to speak would have hidden away another reason for Rocky to think I'm…defective. But here we are.
I can tell he wants to ask why but he stops himself before he does. "Can leave if want to be alone. Would help, question?"
I shake my head again. I very much don't want to be alone right now. I can't explain (literally) how badly I want him to stay. Sometimes, on Earth, it was nice to have my own space when I was like this. But not out here. Not when we're already so alone.
The problem is that I also don't want to keep him here, I'm not supposed to be his responsibility. I can't actually say all that to him though, so I guess I'll just ask him to stay and apologise later?
I point to him, then to the floor. I hope he gets that means "stay here."
"Understand. Would like me be quiet, question? Happy to sit, do not want to overwhelm."
To anyone else, I'd probably say yes. But Rocky's voice is…nice. It's not grating or harsh, it's just pleasant. Well, most of the time. So I shake my head again, and wave my hand around a bit in hopes it may come across as something like "keep talking."
"Want me to talk, question?"
I nod.
"What would like to talk about, question?"
I shrug. Anything, really. I point at him.
"Me, question?"
I nod again.
"Will probably be boring."
I shrug again. He settles in and I give him a thumbs up.
And he talks. It's a lot of mundane things, small stuff about his everyday life mostly. But it's still the everyday life of an alien, so it's far from boring. To me, at least.
He's speaking gently, and his voice is soothing. I can let some of the tension go and close my eyes as I listen, nodding along to what he's saying intermittently.
And eventually, my head clears up a bit. I'm not firing on all cylinders, but I can breathe again, my hands aren't as clammy, and I'm feeling mostly recovered from whatever nervous breakdown I had. So I get to just relax as I listen to Rocky's stories.
It then occurs to me I have access to a laptop. I wait for Rocky to pause and hold up a finger. Carefully standing up, I look around. I don't actually remember where any of them are, so it takes a few minutes and a trip down to the lab, but soon enough I make my way back to the pilot's seat, curling up in the exact same way I was sitting before.
I boot it up and take a second to find exactly what I'm looking for. I make sure the volume's up, type in what I want to say, and press play.
"Hi Rocky." The text-to-speech voice is stilted and robotic, but it's something.
He perks up. "Computer talks for you, question?"
More typing. "Yes."
"Why not use computer before, question?"
"Too overwhelmed, didn't think of it. Sorry for interrupting, you can keep going."
"Understand. And is okay, will finish later. Can ask, why cannot talk, question?"
Yeah, that's fair. I start typing. Rocky fidgets while he waits. "Sometimes when I get too stressed I lose my ability to talk. Not physically, I can still make noise and my vocal chords are fine, but it's a sort of mental block. If I get really overwhelmed I can shut down to try and process everything, so it's like my voice gets shut down too, if that makes sense. I just have to wait it out."
"So not hurt, question?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Good good. Sorry did not come earlier, wanted to give you space and thought should check on you when feeling better."
"Hey, don't apologise. I didn't want to bother you anyways."
"Should bother me, is good for you."
I smile a bit. "Still, I'm not supposed to be your problem. But thank you."
"If you count as problem, you are only good problem I have. Stop being mean to self. You already not feel okay, should be nicer."
"Force of habit." I shrug.
"That is bad."
Oh. "Sorry."
"No say sorry, just be nice. You are nice to me. You be nice to you too."
It's tempting to tell him that I wish it was that easy, but that seems dramatic.
"I can try."
"You do much harder things before."
"And talking is one of those harder things, apparently." There's no tone in the computer's voice, but I guess Rocky could hear I was typing harshly.
"I not mind you cannot talk."
"You'd think I'd be a little less useless considering I have to save the world though, right?"
He shifts a little closer to me, tone sharpening. "You are not useless, do not say you useless. Is not bad that you are not perfect, I not either."
"Well, I'm a little deficient."
"You are not deficient." He points at me. "You not allowed to be mean to self anymore."
I raise my eyebrows. "I'm not allowed?"
"You already sad, now make yourself more sad. Not helping. What are things that make you happy, question? Tell six things."
I just blink at him for a second before I realise he's actually asking. "I like science."
"Good. Continue."
I think for a second. "I like teaching and my students, and I like hamsters."
"What is last thing, question?"
Oh right. "Hamsters are small animals that humans keep as pets. We used to have one in my class for a bit after I first started teaching." I add, "Sometimes school classes on Earth have small pets. It can help the kids learn how to be more responsible. Well, that's a goal at least. But I think they're fun and I like them."
"Understand. Two more things."
"I like Star Trek." The sixth thing I come up with is a little cheesy, but whatever. "I like you."
He chirps. "Happy to make list. What is star thing, question?"
I take a second to shake out my hands. "Star Trek is a fictional entertainment series about exploring space and meeting aliens that I've loved since I was a kid." I perk up. "Actually, the main alien species from it are your neighbours."
"Neighbours, question?"
"There's a species called Vulcans and their home planet also orbits 40 Eridani A." I snicker at the computer's mispronunciation. "They're not anything like Eridians though."
"What are they like, question?"
That's a great question to ask me if you ever want to see me talk (or, type) at the speed of light. "They're basically just humans with pointy ears and upturned eyebrows. The first television show didn't have a lot of money so they couldn't do as much with how they looked. But their biology's all different. Like, their hearts are in their stomachs and their blood is copper based, not iron based like humans." I point to the various parts of me as the computer reads them out.
"Their planet is pretty much all desert, so they evolved to have a secondary eyelid to protect their eyes from the sand. They live to be around two hundred human years. And they have this whole philosophy of controlling their emotions entirely because they almost drove themselves to extinction from war a long long time ago and didn't want it to ever happen again. So they all have this emotionless façade they put up, even though they feel way stronger than humans do. And that's just the start of it. They aren't the coolest looking aliens out there but their biology and science and history is pretty awesome. I like them, at least."
I pick at my cuticles as the computer reads out what I typed, and by the time it's done I'm cringing. Rocky definitely wasn't asking for all that.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to ramble."
"No, no. Is fun to hear. Well, weird humans think of aliens like that, but fun. And good to see you happy."
I start typing up a response.
"Remember, not allowed to be mean to you. Made you self happy, don't make sad again."
I delete what I was typing.
"Would like to show me sometime, question?"
"Show you Star Trek?"
"Yes. I watch with camera."
"I could, but it wouldn't make that much sense to you."
"Then you explain."
"It'd be a lot to explain."
"I know you. You would like very much to explain."
…Yeah, well, he's not wrong. I shrug sheepishly, but I'm smiling.
"Good! Now you are not sad, and have happy thing to look forward to. And I can tease humans for stupid aliens."
I snicker. "So that's what this is about."
"Yes, obvious."
Tilting my head, I type, "You're really cool, Rocky." He almost…twitches? I don't know if that's the right word for it, but he's surprised. I caught him off-guard. "Humans have been thinking about what an intelligent alien species would be like for a very very long time, and I think it's really cool it ended up being you," I add.
"Thank," he responds, but it's stilted.
"I might need to stop being mean to myself, but you need to learn how to take a compliment."
"I am fine."
"Yeah, that's not gonna stop me."
He grumbles. I let it go. For now.
"Thanks for talking to me through all that. It really helped."
"Am sorry you feel bad, happy to help you feel better again."
I grin and put my fist up to the xenonite. Then I narrow my eyes at him.
"I will not say it."
I nod with approval as he returns the fist bump. I do jazz hands, and he does jazz hands back, knowing I mean them the human way. And I just smile.
Alida had access to Eva's schedule every day, just as a precaution. It was a large ship with a lot going on, so it was comforting to have some idea of where she'd be. When she was finally able to track down the meeting room Eva should have vacated nearly three hours ago, she was relieved to find she hadn't left to some other hidden part of the ship, and the only other person in the room was Dr. Grace. Alida would have tried to pull her away from whatever she was doing nonetheless, but it was easier to be straightforward in front of one kindly scientist than it was in front of a handful of political operatives.
As soon as she stepped into the room she cut off whatever conversation they were having. "Eva, you were supposed to be back hours ago. You need to rest." She wasn't angry, but her voice was stern. She turned to Dr. Grace and said more gently, "I apologise for the interruption, Dr. Grace. You'll have to continue this tomorrow."
Before he could open his mouth, Eva responded sharply, "I appreciate your concern but this is important and the less delay there is, the better. I'm fine. Please leave."
Both of them had agreed to keep their personal and work lives separate, especially now that Alida was practically living at Eva's workplace, so they aimed to treat each other as any other person in the presence of others. Currently, Eva was doing a slightly better job at that than Alida.
"I'm not going to leave, Eva, you need to take a break."
Now that Alida had a chance to truly look at Eva, she noticed how…poor of a state she was in. She looked exhausted with bags under her eyes, she was trembling slightly every time she moved, and she kept grimacing like she was in pain.
"You don't look well…"
"I'm fine finishing this later," Dr. Grace offered, somewhat awkwardly. Alida lent him a small smile.
Eva huffed and pressed a hand into her temple. "I have told you both I feel fine. Please."
Alida raised an eyebrow at Dr. Grace, who explained, "I thought she looked a little out of it earlier and asked if she was okay."
Alida put her hands on the table. "I know you have been working your ass off to get this working and finished as efficiently and as well as possible, but that isn't achieved by overworking yourself day and night—"
Eva put a hand up. "Can you please talk one at a time?"
Alida looked back to Dr. Grace, who looked at her with the same confused expression she had.
"Uh…I wasn't talking, Stratt."
Alida's eyes narrowed. She walked over to where Eva was sitting at the head of the table, grabbed her briefcase from the floor and started packing up the numerous papers on the table. "Eva, we're leaving. I don't want to hear your complaints or excuses right now, and no, you don't have a choice in this. You can finish up with Dr. Grace at another time."
"Alida—"
"I don't care."
"Alida, I'm—"
"Eva."
Alida paused, took a few steps away, and held up four fingers. "How many?"
Eva looked up, squinted, then said, "Two."
Alida sighed and walked back to the table, kneeling next to her. "Eva, I know you want to just keep working, but we both know pushing yourself through this is only going to make it worse. You need to rest and you know it."
Eva didn't respond and Alida knew that meant she'd conceded. She stood and finished filing away the papers, before putting her hand out for Eva to take. "Come on."
Eva took it and Alida gently helped her stand. She looked over to Dr. Grace, who was sitting awkwardly and looking at the table. "I do apologise for any inconvenience, Dr. Grace."
He looked up. "Oh, no it's okay. I'm just glad there's someone on this ship Stratt listens to. Have a good night, Ms., um…"
Alida moved to respond, before pausing a second. It's the first time she's ever actually met Dr. Grace, but it definitely wasn't for Eva. Alida honestly couldn't care less who does and doesn't know they're married, so at the end of the day, it was up to her wife.
So she turned to Eva and looked at her with raised eyebrows. She looked back and took a moment to think, before nodding. It was honestly not the response she was expecting, but nonetheless, it was good to know that Eva considered Dr. Grace was trustworthy enough to tell him.
"Dr. Alida Stratt. It was nice to meet you, Dr. Grace. Have a good night." She could see the gears turning quickly inside his head as he glanced down to the ring on her right hand that matched Eva's. But if he had any judgments, he kept them from showing on his face. He wasn't as successful at muting his look of surprise, however.
But he managed to hide his slight shock fairly quickly and smiled, a genuine smile that washed away any underlying fear Alida had, before replying, "It was nice to meet you too, Dr. Stratt." Alida smiled back, before putting a hand on Eva's back and walking her out of the room, carrying her briefcase in the other hand.
—
As soon as they got back to their quarters, Alida set the briefcase on the desk and sat Eva down on the bed. A few minutes later, she came back with a cup of water and some painkillers. After handing both to Eva, she went to turn off the lights. "Are you still hearing things?" Alida looked over her shoulder to see Eva nodding.
"A little."
"How bad is the nausea?" She walked back over to the bed and knelt down in front of her.
"…Manageable."
"How much can you see?"
"Bits and pieces here and there."
Alida laid a comforting hand on Eva's leg. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. When did it start?"
She paused for a second to think. "A few hours ago, maybe four or five."
Alida's eyes widened. "Jesus Christ, Eva, why didn't you come back? Your last scheduled meeting ended three hours ago, no one should've been upset you aren't available every hour of the day."
Eva shrugged slightly. "Things came up, it was easier to simply work through them then."
Tucking a strand of hair behind Eva's ear, Alida asked, "You know that, with a project as complicated and important as this, it's inadvisable to work while ill and disoriented?"
"Yes, I know."
"So you also know that continuing to work with a migraine was a very stupid idea."
"It was…imprudent."
Alida sighed.
"I'm sorry if I worried you," Eva said quietly.
"Thank you."
They both sat in silence for a short time, before Alida stood up and kissed her forehead. "Okay. I am going to get you something more comfortable to sleep in and more water, and then I will contact who I need to and tell them you will be unavailable for the next three days."
Eva practically stared at her. "Alida, I cannot just give up that much time."
"Yes, you can. And you are going to spend those three days recovering. You are not the only person working on this project, it is not going to collapse because you took time off to rest."
"It might."
Alida smiled gently. "It'll be fine."
"One day."
"No, three days."
Eva grimaced in pain. "Alida, please, I have too much that needs to be done and you know that isn't hyperbole."
Alida exhaled. "Two days? I'll help you catch up on everything on the third day, the best I can at least." She took Eva's hands and leaned down to kiss them gently. "I just want you to feel better."
Eva bit her lip.
"Please?"
"Okay. Two days."
Alida nodded with relief and sat down next to her, gently taking her into her arms. "I know telling you not to worry is futile, but if anything does concern you, tell me and I'll find the right people to take care of it, okay? Just try to rest." She felt Eva nod into her shoulder.
