1. If you aren't willing to own up to your own faults as a person, don't expect others to.
2. Friendship isn't hard, you just have to make the effort.
3. Everyone has a battle to fight. Remember that.
4. When someone you love tells you that you hurt them, admire the amount of courage it took for them to confront you.
5. In today's world there are literally a dozen ways to communicate with someone. Email is not dead. Text messages sometimes work too. Just remember to be as clear as possible because context is everything.
6. Your actions still speak far louder than your words.
7. Excuses only get you so far, and it's far less than you think.
8. If you operate in the negative, why are you expecting anything other than negativity?
9. Do nice things without expectation of reward or praise or a return of the favor. Remember number 6.
10. you are ridiculously in charge of your own life. Any changes you make or don't are entirely up to you.
11. No one should love you more than you do.
12. It's ok to fight for a relationship, but it's also ok to recognize when it's over.
13. If you know you are giving 100%, you should expect 100% in return.
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As my 24th birthday approaches, I just took the time to think of things that I want to remember as I enter into this next year of life. I will be making adjustments and changes as always, but some things hold true and stand the test of time.
"Searching for what?" was the question you just asked yourself and I honestly don't have an answer for you. It seems like they are always looking for answers to their problems, but they only desire a temporary fix.
As time has gone on, I have learned that people search for "band-aids" instead of actual remedies to the problems facing them. They turn to whatever seems easiest, because that seems to be the better option to them.
The problem with these little "band-aids" is that they DO NOT LAST. The problem is still there, festering and sometimes getting worse while you sit there thinking that your temporary fix is "working".
It really makes me question the relationships I have with these people, because I really have little tolerance for this. I have discovered that these same people are sheep. The follow whomever they deem to be worthy of following, even if that person leads them into hell.
I know that sooner rather than later some relationships will have to be severed because i cannot allow myself to be around these people. If you cannot think and do for yourself then we have no need to be around each other.
You know better, so do better. If you choose not to do better, make the decisions and deal with the consequences, be they favorable or not.
I am planning on 2014 being one of the best years of my life. I know that's a huge task, but with my resolutions I feel that it is entirely doable.
1. Put my phone down/away
I have a horrible habit of always being on my phone. It really is my life-line, but I've found that it prevents me from experiencing what is going on right in front of me. As someone who considers himself to be a very observant person, you can see my problem. In 2014 I want to put my phone down more. I want people to call me out when I have it out at dinner. I want to stop finding myself pulling off the road to answer it, or getting up in the middle of the night to see what I've missed.
2. Health...yet again.
I will be joining a gym, hopefully in the next couple of weeks if I get the job I just interviewed for. I am endeavoring to lose 20lbs in the next 6 months. I feel that this is a healthy goal to have. I also want people to hold me accountable for this.
3. Travel
I am usually pretty good about this but there are some places that i really need to visit. This year I have to go to:
San Diego, CA
Ogden, Utah
Toronto, Canada
Dallas, Texas
The Maryland/D.C. area
If I can make it to these places, then I will consider it a good year.
4. Save money
Right now this one is pretty difficult, but if I get this job I will have more than enough on live on and save. One of my life goals is to own a home in the next 5 years, so I need to save about 30,000 dollars in the next 4 years. I know it seems like alot, but if I can even get close that number I'll be satisfied. This year I'm just aiming to save about $8000. Let's see if I can do it.
5. Learn to say 'no'.
I have a horrible habit of spreading myself thin to please all the special people in my life. I do this to the point of inconveniencing myself for their benefit. While I want to be there for everyone I love, i also need to learn to say no when I know that i can't do what they need me to do. This might seem selfish, but it must be done so that I can be at my best when it counts.
6. Hang out with people when I say I will.
I have friends that I say, 'we should hang out!' to all the time and never do it. I will get their numbers, text them, and I will make this happen. How hard is it to go for coffee or a movie or dinner? I do it anyways, might as well invite someone new and interesting to do it with me.
7. Write more
I used to write all the time, and now I find myself thinking of cool poems and essays and what not, but out of pure laziness they never manifest. Let's get a PEN AND PAPER, not computer and change that.
8. Pay it forward once a week.
Once a week I want to do something nice for a stranger. Maybe pay for their coffee or give them a compliment or help them in some way. I think that in order for our world to become a more positive place we have to all be responsible for making the changes necessary for that to happen. I would like to do this as often as possible, but let's start with once a week.
9. Sit down and have one on one hangouts with people.
I love hearing people's stories. I promise I'm not being nosy, I just find people fascinating. This year I want to sit down with people and learn about them. I want to experience life the way they experienced it. I want them to be able to sit in front of me and know that i am taking in every word. In today's world people rarely get a chance to be head in the noise of life and I want to change that.
I know there are other resolution I have but these are the main ones. Hopefully I am able to stick to it and make these changes. We'll see December 31st, 2014.
Usually Christmas time is my favorite time of year...usually.
This year however, I am not feeling it AT ALL. I guess there are a variety of reasons why, so I've kind of narrowed them down to the top reasons.
1. Time is moving way too fast.
I feel like it was just Christmas a couple f weeks ago, and now an entire year has passed. So much has occurred and I feel like my moment where I'm supposed to take it all in hasn't happened yet.
2. I'm just to busy to enjoy the holidays.
Life has a way of pulling me in 20 different directions. As someone who is unemployed, one would think that I would have far more down time than I actually do. This time of year is always particularly busy for me, but this year it's just ridiculous.
3. I'm poor. POOR. POOR. POOOOOOOOOR.
I love giving gifts! I love going out and finding a gift for someone. I love wrapping it and writing them a Christmas note. This year I am too poor to even buy the stationary to write the Christmas letters I usually write. It makes me sad to know that so many people will be giving me things and all I can do is say thank you and hope that they aren't offended when I don't give them anything back. I am not particularly prideful, so I will explain that I simply can't afford to give gifts this year, but it still makes me sad.
4. My continued job hunt has sucked what little emotional stability I had left.
It's pretty difficult to be in the holiday spirit when you wake up every morning with more bills and no money to pay them. It's made worse by the fact that the part time job I do have is labor intensive, tiresome, monotonous, and pays nothing for all the time and effort it requires.
All this being said, I will of course continue on and do my best to fake it for the benefit of those around me. I am excited to spend time with my family on Christmas day and with my friends in a cabin this weekend. If I didn't have such special people in my life I am sure I wouldn't have made it this far.
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Future self, please take note:
Right now you are feeling emotionally drained and tired. You are anxious and worried and stressed...probably more so now than ever before. You are experiencing your worst fear currently, and you aren't sure how long it will continue for. Read these words and remember the feeling. Remember to be thankful for what you have, and to always remember what it took to get where you are. I'm not sure when you'll see this (again, lol) but hopefully you are in a far better place than you are now. (P.S. if our boyfriend/husband is reading this, make sure he feels bad because he should have been here to cuddle with you. Just sayin, lol)
Rule 1: Post the rules
Rule 2: Answer the questions the tagger asked you then make 11 new ones (also tag the tagger)
Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to your post
Rule 4: Let them know you’ve tagged them
Do you have a favorite constellation, star, or planet?
Neptune. There’s just something about the blue planet that’s so alluring.
What kind of haircut have you always wanted to pull off?
Not necessarily always, but I’ve thought about getting a hime cut from time to time. I don’t know if I could sport blunt bangs though. Or maybe the blunt bangs/wavy hair mix since my hair is naturally straight.
Are you old-fashioned or new age, and would this affect on your dream home?
As far as interior decorating goes? I’m not quite sure. Looking at some of the stuff decorating my room, I guess I lean a little towards new age.
What is something you really like about yourself?
I don’t know, actually. I liked that I graduated college in 3 years instead of 4.
Write two really good things that happened this year.
Became close friends with people who a year ago, were complete strangers. And I finalized vacation plans with my family to go to the Philippines for the winter holidays. It’s been about a decade since I last visited my relatives there.
Recall a favorite memory of your past. How has that affected you today?
Back in elementary school, two friends and I wanted to start our own gaming company. I took care of all the art-related stuff. Of the three of us, I still stuck with trying to get into the game industry. And I just got my foot in the industry, so I’m still very excited to continue going down this route.
What is something you’ve always wanted to do, but you haven’t done yet. (AND WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE IT YET.)
Scuba diving because I didn’t get my diver’s license in Okinawa when I had the chance to.
What advice would you have given your teenager self?
Trust your gut more. It’ll really help you out.
What’s overrated?
Slapping hipster labels on everything
Do you collect anything? Why?
Merch related to video games, tv shows, and music that I like because I’m a material girl who likes to show my love for things by throwing money that I don’t have at them. It’s terrible.
Name the tabs that are opened right now.
Google spreadsheet, MKIceAndFire, Tumblr, Polygon, Random Curiosity
And now I ask you…
1. On a free day, what do you do after getting out of bed?
2. Who is the last music artist you got into?
3. Have you lived away from home? If so, were you alone, or did you have roommates?
4. What is your favorite dish/meal/food? Hamburger? Steak and lobster? Tenzaru soba? TELL ME!
5. What is your preferred method of transportation? (Real-life please, no chocobos, dragons, etc…as cool as that would be)
6. If given $5,000 (or the equivalent to it depending on where you’re from), what would you spend it on?
7. Was there a fictional character you looked up to when you were a child? If so, who was it?
8. Have you had trouble trusting people, or were you too trusting for your own good?
9. Do you care about your family, or are you indifferent towards them?
10. Do you play any instruments? If you don’t, is there an instrument you’d like to learn?
In which pride must be swallowed and a day is made
I had a pretty bad day today.
I now work for a shoe store here in Lafayette. After two shifts, I have found that I don't like it. Of course I don't like it because I feel that my education is being wasted, but there are other more solid reasons to go along with this shallow one. The work is tedious, there's an incessant amount of micro-managing, and there's absolutely no downtime to take a breather. Today, while lifting heavy boxes and sorting shoes I found myself experiencing an odd mix of shame and anger.
How did I do everything I was supposed to do and still ended up living my worst fear? HOW? I was told to get good grades in school to make it to college. I made the grades, then I went to college. They told me to make it through and get the degree. I did it. Now here I am, 23 years old with a piece of paper that should get me a position where why skills should be used. Instead, I'm 23 years old, sorting boxes and checking the clock every 5 minutes hoping that time will move faster so I can leave my slightly above minimum wage part-time job.
As the shame and anger festered inside of me for the better part of my 6 hour shift, I fought to keep myself from walking out. I fought the tears threatening to erupt from my eyes. I fought back thoughts of failure and doubt. I focused on the work- the pain my joints were in, the sweat and the irregularity of my breath as it left my body. I stayed silent and did everything I was asked to do. I, as I always try to do, endured.
As I walked to my car, the tears began to flow. I couldn't hold them back any longer and I felt a shame that I hadn't felt since the day my father died. I sat down inside this brand new vehicle I could no longer afford, clutching myself with all my strength because it felt like I would fade away into nothing if I did. Somewhere in the still rational part of my brain I registered that I was triggering myself and setting the scene for a very bad panic attack, so I grabbed my phone, hooked it up and turned on my car. Music always helps.
As I looked at the lit screen, I noticed an email from Starbucks. "It must be a promotional email..." I said to myself as I unlocked my iPhone. I was very wrong. Instead, it was an email telling me that one of my best friends had sent me a 20 dollar gift card. Instantly, my whole day was turned around.
On the way home I laughed and danced to Lady Gaga's "Venus" while singing at the top of my lungs. I smiled and waved at other people in their cars. My friend through her small gesture had reminded me of something that for some strange reason, I hadn't thought about today.
My life is in shambles right now, but I have an amazing group of people who love and support me. My support base is international and it is filled with some of the most wonderful people on this planet. I have so much to be thankful for, and I need to double the amount of times I remind myself of this. I am also now on the look out for my opportunity to do something awesome for someone else who may need it.
I have no intentions of quitting this job. I will fight and continue on. Even if I do find something full-time, I will keep this job and work a couple of days a week. Who wouldn't want extra spending money and a fabulous discount on shoes? I know that God has a plan, and I will continue moving forward. I've basically hit my bottom, so the only way to go is up from here.
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Because my friend has a tumblr and will probably see this, I wish to speak directly to her now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are one of my best friends and today proves why. I don't know what I would do without you, and I thank you for loving me so dearly. I can't tell you how special you made me feel today, and I will never forget this. You are my absolute favorite pirate hooker, and that will never change. <3
Whenever I've said this to a couple of people over the last few days, I've had them give me skeptical looks and make comments about how that can't be true. It always becomes very obvious that the person to whom I made the statement has misunderstood me, and now thinks that I've deluded myself into thinking that I'm some type of anomaly that doesn't desire a companion with which to spend my life. This can't be further from the truth.
Let me elaborate. I do want a relationship. Like everyone else, I have imagined what my future lover would look like and sound like. I have had many thoughts about whether or not he would love Harry Potter as much as I would, or if he would hate it. I have fantasized about nights filled with passion, and mornings spent cuddling before work. I've even thought about little things, like which drink he might like from Starbucks, if he drinks coffee at all (heaven forbid).
All that being said, I am simply OK with being single for the time being. I am in no rush to enter into a relationship because when it does happen, I want he and I to both be fully prepared for commitment, monogamy and years of building a strong and loving bond. I have far to many examples of people who rushed into things with individuals who they claimed to "love", only to find themselves single, heartbroken, and sometimes broke/homeless/pregnant. While I can't totally prevent that from happening to me, I can hopefully do my best to minimize the chances of it occurring.
What bothers me about some people is the idea that they "need" a boyfriend/girlfriend. I have a good friend of mine who is convinced that his life would be so much better if he had a guy in his life. I have another friend who constantly complains that she needs a boyfriend, when all she's actually worried about is sex. Both of them are constantly complaining about being single, instead of taking this time to focus on improving themselves for when an actual opportunity for something to develop with someone occurs.
Right now in my life, I need to be focused on securing employment, my continuing weight loss journey, and setting up my finances to reach goals I set for myself years ago. When and if he comes, I hope that my partner finds me in a place that is secure enough for us to begin our journey.
I have a good friend that is going through a tough time with someone who she used to consider a friend. After weeks of my friend complaining, I sent her a text that had three words: LET. IT. GO.
My friend has gotten to the point to were she can't talk about anything else but this situation with this woman. She is so consumed with how she has been wronged and continues to be wronged that everything else is seemingly not as important as her anger towards this one individual.
When someone is doing everything possible to show you that they don't wish to be in your life anymore, it's time to allow them to leave. Don't hold on to people who cause you to have such negative emotions. For the friend I am referring to in this post, she is the type of person who allows other people's negativity affect her life immensely, which is neither healthy nor productive.
You, dear reader are in charge of your emotions. When you allow others to enter into your life for whatever reason, you voluntarily all ow that person to alter your emotions toward them (and sometimes towards others). As the old church woman used to say, "No one can steal my joy." This holds very true, because we shouldn't allow individuals to come into our lives and disrupt our peaceful state. If they do, they need to go.
For me personally, I have found that when a person walks out of my life, it is best to allow any emotions or thoughts about them to leave as well. I make an effort to not speak about that person negatively, and to try and not mention them in everyday conversation. It's as if the person has reverted back to a stranger again. I wouldn't allow myself to sit and discuss a stranger at length, so why a former friend/lover/acquaintance?
My inner peace is my own and no one else can alter or change or modify that peace. If they attempt to, they must be let go. It can be difficult, but it has to happen.
I hope that my friend will be able to move on from what has occurred between her and the woman soon. We shall just have to wait and see what occurs.
