Honestly though the longer the musical goes and the more Sean, Dean, and Brian settle into making the boys their own, the more charmed I am that they basically kept all the boys' vibes but shifted them one to the left.
So we have
Movie!Dwayne and Musical!Marko -- the beautiful dark-eyed cowboys and first wives
Movie!Paul and Musical!Dwayne -- the horny blond idiots (who are also, despite that, weirdly chill)
Movie!Marko and Musical!Paul -- the ones with the magnificent coat they presumably made themselves who's always doing incredible freak shit in the background.
Brought to you by Lauren (deathbylostboys the beloved) pointing out that Michael only has one line in the Act 1 finale despite being there the entire time and I just wanted to point out again that the vampires don’t really sing because they aren’t human so as Michael begins embracing the vampire he stops singing!!!
I mentioned it in my breakdown of why TLB is horror-comedy depending on if Michael or Sam is the narrator, but the reason we don’t get many Michael songs in the second half is because it’s from Sam’s POV. However, in addition to that, Michael is no longer “human,” thus the audience doesn’t get to see what he’s thinking or feeling.
I forget who— and I am going to search for it so I can properly link them— but one of the writers/script/music people said that the reason it works so well for the vampires to be a band is because they can’t sing about their actual motivations (hence why no Max song until the end when he reveals himself), so they get around that by being a band. The vampires CANNOT sing truthfully, so they either don’t sing (Max) or they’re in a band and that’s their work around.
So how does this apply to Michael? Well, Michael has lots of songs in Act 1 when he’s still human. We hear so much about his inner thoughts and feelings and he is so, so open with the audience. He is our narrator, and we know him through his songs.
And then he starts turning. And that’s when we start loosing him. “Secret Comes Out” is when Michael really starts turning, which is why we only get one line from him. He’s not human anymore, he’s doesn’t get so connect with the audience or sing anymore. So he gets one singular line— about becoming a monster and loosing himself— and then he’s gone. From himself and the audience.
And like @starvedforcontent mentioned in the tags of their reblog of the Horror Comedy breakdown, this explains why we get songs from Star as she grows closer to Michael and starts re-embracing her humanity. Michael is leaving his humanity behind him, so he pulls away from the audience. Star on the other hand, is embracing her humanity and starts connecting with the audience through songs (especially “War,” which is her first proper solo song, where we get to hear so much about how she feels and truly thinks).
TLDR; the vampires cannot sing because they physically cannot connect with the inherent humanity of expressing emotions like that, which is why as Michael turns, he stops singing. Michael pulls back from the audience because he’s no longer human, so we loose his perspective elf things and Sam becomes the narrator. As Michael reconnects with his humanity— eventually becoming human again— he starts singing again and we get his perspective back.
The Lost Boys musical is so fascinating to me, not just because it's a powerful adaptation, surprisingly sexy, and great to listen to. It's an adaptation that manages to pack in a lot of depth and complexity, tweaking and giving new angles of approach to the original text while managing to be its own distinct beast. On a thematic and structural level, it's a very smart show.
So I’ve been thinking and talking to @vraik about Wild, specifically this shot:
And something that I haven’t seen discussed too terribly much is how Max’s actions during this song mirror and presumably illuminate the origins of behaviors we’ve already seen David display.
Obviously one of the charming things about Wild is how the carousel is mimicking flight; Lucy and Max are presenting a theoretically more grounded, smaller, more ‘realistic’ adult counterpart to the soaring emotions and swooping nausea that David is giving to Michael one scene over. These feelings (love and erotic desire, Arden, jfc) make you weightless, spin you around, and leave you dizzy and disoriented; that’s why that massive prop is worth having on stage for this sequence, because it very effectively conveys those sensations as a match for the literal flights of the boys.
But the thing is, Wild isn’t just parallel to Belong to Someone--it also creates insights for readings of Time to Kill.
In the lead up to and throughout Time to Kill, he boys were loosening Michael up with his Very First Weed (and all the indirect brokisses puff-puff-pass entails); giving him jewelry; petting and playing with him and validating his emotions. David shows him how to “finger” and “strum”, (IYKWIM lol the fucking jerk-off motion kills me); he tells him he’s doing a good job at something he clearly finds impressive when he sees others do it.
They slide him down into a warm bubble bath of positive feelings so that by the time they’re ready to feed he’s already on Cloud 9.
The terrible irony is that it really seems like this is the happiest and most connected that Michael has felt to anyone in years, if ever--and that it’s a manipulation in the build-up to snuffing him out forever. This clearly isn't how they kill all their victims, but in this case they're sending their fan and Star's pick out on a high note, as it were.
With Wild, Max is doing substantially the same thing. He encourages Lucy to talk about her past, drawing her back into the nostalgia of having been Michael’s age and feeling the passion of free love, drugs, and counterculture. He takes her back to the happiest time in her life, to the young girl-turning-woman whose happy thoughts seemed to make flight a possibility. He doesn’t kill her, but right there he *wanted to.* She is Prey, and he’s lulling her just like David did Michael.
As David says, they both have fathers who don't deserve them.
We've seen some of the things that Michael learned from his father--that anger and violence is both dangerous and alluring. That his job is to stand in between. That 'softness' in a man is something to be scorned. That he's got too much and not enough in common with his father, and he fears that no matter which way he turns he will in some way be defined by that abuse.
Lucy, too, is being drawn to the idea of reversal; she tried being a hippie, married a hippie (and that was 100% because she got knocked up with Michael, as a child of EXACTLY that type of failed marriage I reserve the right to project). She tried being part of the counter-culture and she loved it, but it didn't love her back. Maybe the world was right, and she should just marry this Very Conventional Guy who idolizes Barry Fucking Goldwater because he's the opposite of what she had before... but first, let's take a spin on this carousel, remember the Good Old Days, and feel those butterflies that are from the centrifugal force, but you can pretend are love.
David was 'alone' for 100 years (except for Max 😬). Whatever his story is (and boy oh boy do i have headcanons. With timelines. It's extensive, but not actually part of the text.) David, for better or, let's face it, mostly worse, has picked up habits and traits from the very authoritarian 'father' against whom he rebels; he's learned how to get close, make a victim feel safe (it's not a date! just a tour! have a puff, you won't get caught!) and crave his approval (Max hated the 60s--can you change his mind? Can you strum this local rock star's guitar while he 'does the neck?' Can you keep up?)
IDK I just find it fascinating how the initial construction of David as a person in Michael's imagination (made clearer by the sexy dream Satan outfit in The Secret Comes Out)...
(Sorry folks, David does not literally own a pair of wet-look sequined pants and a velvet frock coat, Michael has just read too much Anne Rice and is Experiencing The Horny Torments)
...is directly inverted by our knowledge of the actual situation, especially since we're denied closure to it because by the time we/Michael can process it David is already descending into the pit. That's part of the tragedy: that Michael, buying David's hype, never truly understood how alike they were in all the ways he's least comfortable with himself.
That's what makes a twist strong; its adherence to the themes, structures, and logic of the text as already established. Good fucking storytelling.
Ali’s interview where he casually just drops a “Star is the only character that gets to see the human inside of David, really [laughs]" has been playing on loop on my head today and I feel like this post kind of gets into the why of it a little bit. The rest of Ali’s statement subtly dwells in the fascinating way this dynamic plays out—it starts with him saying that David can freeze time; then he feels compelled to mention Star seeing the human inside David; and THEN he mentions the fun intricacies of how David displays his vulnerability either by it slipping out or by his own choosing and the balance of how to do all that while keeping the ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* mystery *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
What I took this to mean is that for the most part, when David is vulnerable on screen (telling Michael that they both have fathers who don’t deserve them, the Belong to Someone reprise, at least more than one of the few conversations he has with Star), he is playing a game with the audience I’m thinking of calling Spot The Editing (Spot the filter? I am workshopping it). It’s not that he’s not saying the truth, it’s just that he’s pulling some nifty chess moves by omitting what he needs to omit, because giving The Whole Picture is completely out of the question.
It’s made me realize that that’s how he uses the time freeze thing. He doesn’t use it in a fight even though he can clearly affect people physically while it’s happening (shoutout to Michael never seeing that blunt again). Instead, he uses it specifically to choose who gets or does not get to witness certain conversations. That’s step 1. Usually he keeps normies away, but in at least 1 conversation with Star he keeps the rest of the Boys out of it too. He probably resorts to it when he knows he’s gonna have to get A Little Real, and you need VIP passes for some performances 😗
Step 2 is picking and choosing what gets to be said. He can smell the father issues on Michael from a town away, so that’s what he capitalizes on. Even while in song, the ultimate form of musicals to depict a character’s emotional state, he’s being picky about what to be vulnerable with—in The Belong to Someone Reprise he doesn’t reveal anything particularly insightful about himself and his emotions that does not also apply to Michael, and for the most part it’s only about what he can provide for him. He frames it almost entirely on what Michael will get out of him, with just the tiiiiniest hooks of truth to bait him with (the connection through traumatic fathers and the search for companionship). Given what we actually KNOW OF THE PLOT—Did we want to know if he hates his father? How’d he make him feel? Fear or hatred? Was this betrayal the same as Michael’s? Actually, what father are you talking about David, could we get a quick little elaboration on if Max made you physically or only vampirically??? Well, Good luck finding out LOL
Under this lens, you can see that he’s having trouble with Star. His strategy for luring her in is similar, but marginally different. He has many scenes where he gives Star and himself privacy, either by freezing time or by seeking her out when he knows she’s alone, whereas he’s cool with sharing his moments with Michael with the other boys. Even the way he touches her is different—with the boys he has very little boundaries. Full on hugs, hair rubs, yanks and of course the pats and the cheek strokes (Michael’s face will never feel the same). He has to tone it down for Star.
@the-void-birb and I were talking about this and he pointed out that Maria likes to depict Star as very self contained and closed off, very touch-avoidant! And I Love that interpretation. Mostly because of what it says about her responses to other’s touches. Michael tends to lean in to mostly any touch, though he avoids starting any interactions himself (with the exception of—you guessed it! Star ☺️ EDIT: actually I lied. Upon thinking about it some more he also starts physical contact with Sam and is the only character he does not hesitate to reach out to.) whereas Star tends to either pull away or stiffen up, needing at least a bit of time before she warms up. It’s part of the understanding she and Michael have with one another.
David recognizes this, and adapts. He isn’t doing anything too horrifying like keeping his hands to himself—Let’s Be For Real—but he’s very deliberate with her. Only touches skin in the shortest of bursts—strokes her face exactly once (right before entering the factory with Michael and the others, trying to comfort her?), pokes her chin more than a bit during Have to Have You, does this insane hand pat that has changed my brain chemistry, but the real money maker is the hand holding—it is his preferred method of Star contact. It’s easy to see why, I’m pretty sure there’s a scientific study out there about how to certain subsets of people, holding hands feels more intimate than a hug or a kiss (actually i just googled the science behind skin contact and there is some FASCINATING stuff happening here. David when did you get a PhD in Psychology?). But otherwise, he ensures he keeps at least one thick layer of clothes between his hands and her skin, likely because he knows better than to test her limits before she feels inclined to run away.
And it’s like… obviously working? Star could not be clearer that she is not taking her current state well, but she isn’t making moves to leave. From the get go she seems frustrated with her task of finding someone to eat (her grumbly little “I’m trying!” Before she even meets Sam before Hurt A Little… very cute), and every other word out of her when she talks to Michael is “get away get away get away”. But she’s also clearly given up on getting herself away, and though I don’t think it’s necessarily because she believes David’s savior jargon (if anything her words during Now, Forever imply that she believes she’s beyond saving), I think the fear that she would disappoint him gets to her. She also seems to, at least partly, believe that David is genuine in his good intentions when he speaks like that, even if this correctly does not translate to “David is always right”.
What it DOES translate to, at least, is the understanding that despite being a serial killer vampiric monster, David does have a human in him and though it’s not easy for him he deliberately draws it out to keep Star. This is not his goal when enticing Michael—Michael hates his own weakness, and he runs from a specific monster, so David’s strategy is to offer him the power to fight monsters by fulfilling his power fantasies among other types of fantasies. That and the companionship that would come along with it to battle isolation. But if we are to think about why it is that Star can’t make the last step to become a full vampire, I think it’s because of her attachment to humanity and the duality of humans that gets to her. She’s clearly been witness to some pretty deplorable stuff, but if it’s not enough to make her change her view on wanton murder, then there’s some inherent trait to humanity that she’s attracted to and David is having trouble figuring it out. If he can figure it out, he could use whatever way it applies to himself to make her choose him.
Therefore, he’s playing a balancing act whenever he speaks to her. Right before it comes down to the murder, it’s all smooth sailing with Michael, probably because they have similar experiences. But Star’s response to her trauma is adjacent to the two of them, not her situation. Without a proper frame, manipulating her reactions to certain things is significantly harder. He wants her so bad, he has to shift strategies! So I think he accepts it as an unfortunate truth that he’ll have to reveal more than he wants whenever he speaks to her, because they can’t both play the mysterious stranger, and she won’t fall for lies—thus why he keeps dropping the time freezes whenever it’s Star time.
There’s also the fact that her underlying issues seem to be kind of mother-focused, and well. David would try if he could but I’m not sure how strong his frame of reference for a mother is (and good luck finding an answer to that, though it’s actually very likely that Star actually knows what happened to his mother). So he has to settle for taking the spot of her father which is working fine but it’s certainly not working fast. And even though he’s having a good time still, he’s clearly losing his patience by the middle of Act 2. Not in an angry way either (looks like it takes a death in the family for that), but just kind of desperate and beginning to panic.
A huge part of why his demeanor is like this—one of the (if not only) chances wherein the vulnerability “slips out” rather than him deliberately drawing it out—is honestly a possibly bruised ego. He had just tried to get Michael to take that final step a banging total of three times, and has nothing to show for it. After playing Michael like a fiddle for like 2 days, to boot. I highly doubt he’s questioning his rhetoric and (un)life view, but it’s possible that he’s wondering if he’s losing his touch, maybe? There’s something in Michael he failed to see? He’s gonna have to try again later, which reminds him—Star!
She had missed their show two scenes prior. Something worthy of worry—after all, she’s very in her element when she sings on stage. Smiles more than she does the rest of the musical and is jumping and hopping around seemingly without realizing that David is putting everybody in a trance. I can absolutely see @vraik’s headcanon that David made the band for her, unlike the boys—who, again, are hypnotizing everyone for some reason—she seems to just sing because she likes it. No wonder David is throwing shark eyes at her, I swear he wants to devour her here.
So, her missing a show isn’t a great sign. It could mean many things, but the two I’m thinking of rn off the top of my head are either a) she’s not mentally feeling well which raises alarms on its own given that she’s a previous addict; and/or b) she’s getting doubts about the Boys so strong that she wouldn’t sing with them. Dangerous stuff!! (The answer is, of course, that she’s still feeling so awful because she could not save Michael from drinking the blood, but David thinks that he made Michael’s week with that so he’s not thinking about it at all). It’s no wonder he chases after her—not only does he have to grapple with failing to glock Michael’s anti-murder, Star is displaying signs of pulling away too (or… again? It would depend on how long she’s been resisting). Thus the surprisingly genuine begging.
There’s not many people around, so he doesn’t need to freeze time, but I’m sure he already makes it second nature to ensure that no one else can bear witness when he’s having a moment with Star. (I just realized that Max was just at the scene saying goodbye to Lucy too. I can’t be sure, but if David doesn’t make sure that he’s out of frame for like 0.1 seconds right before popping in I’ll eat a hat. He truly could not wait before talking to her, huh?) And we already know that he purposely puts the walls down when he talks to her as a deliberate strategy to appeal to the humane and genuine part of her. Frankly I’d be surprised if he didn’t slip here! It’s like the perfect set up for some real unfiltered feelings out of this guy. So yes, I fully believe in his desperation to want to save her. Why he reminded her of how bad she was going through it before him, why he’d do anything for her and why this is absolutely the only way out of this miserable life!!
Good riddance to Star but I would have caved immediately I’m sorry. Imagine having the world’s most beautiful man offering the world to you and all you gotta do is find someone deplorable enough to kill. I’m sure they can sneak into a jail and find some child predator or something yeesh (I jest I jest she’s stronger than all of us combined!)
David’s desperation in this scene is particularly…different from his previous statements. There is no suaveness to it, no underlying reason beyond the simple truth (for him). It certainly implies a whole lot more about him than he intends to, I’m sure, but I think the mere fact that he has feelings he can’t control is the kind of thing a control freak like him can’t stand. Not that he is fully a control freak, but… you know what I mean? He likes to be the master of bodily autonomy, including his own but also everyone else. A split second admission that he can’t stand feeling powerless and that he gifts powers to others because he loves them and hates to see them powerless as well? All with the world’s smallest whispered “please?” LIKE… GIRL… LOOK AT HIM…
So ofc Star has no other recourse but to be in a musical and sing about it! Because this shit sucks, man! He truly loves her, she knows this. She loves him back! We know this (though it might not be obvious to the audience until they see her reach out to him as he dies). But why must it be painful? Why can’t it be simple? I love War frfr it’s SUCH a good song not only because Maria is just fucking killing it in there and it’s catchy (seriously why does everyone keep saying the songs aren’t memorable… yall seriously don’t have “everyday is a waaaaaaaaaaar” stuck in your heads????) but also because Star isn’t only singing about herself! She’s not the only subject of that song! Some of those questions she throws at the wind are addressed to David, Mr. Predator himself. Like seriously what is he even fighting for?? He, like herself, is “running into battle // swearing [he’ll] never give in” but as Ali graciously lets us know, this is just David constantly running from himself. He’s never gonna reach that finish line, he’s never gonna win, either!! Stop trying to drag her into it, man!!
So like obviously we know how it ends. Star eventually choses to get out of that eternal in-between state of staying by David’s side but hating what he does and choses to protect Michael and his brother (and the weird little middle schoolers with strange violent tendencies but what else is new in Santa Carla) and man can you tell it HURTS?? Maria’s expressions are doing overtime she and Michael are having Such A Time right now and it is so delicious to my eyes. What a blessing (to me). Her costuming is doing overtime too, just look at how she’s wrapping herself in the shape of David! For what!! Self-confidence maybe? They should have let her and Michael grieve him, man, now they’re not gonna last more than 3 months together. Why are we letting David win like this!!! (I jest I actually think they have a very fair chance but I do also think that they’re gonna have David haunting their moments together so whether or not they last will be very dependent on how they handle the unspoken ghost).
I just hope she finds that internal closure! :)
So uh. Anyway. TL;DR, Starvid rots my brain because David’s flaws and shortcomings have forced him to resort to showing his vulnerability as a seduction tactic on the sexy purple girl. This causes a cycle wherein we all become more obsessed with David because we are witnessing magic. Also something about how everytime the two of them share screen time they display another hidden compartment that is their personality and hidden tidbits and how are we supposed to be normal about that? Also the touching drives me crazy.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk and for reading 2,660 words entirely about Star and David. There’s very little Michael in here but please remember that this, too, is about the Throuple from Hell. 😘
It is Tuesday and that means time to appreciate Star
I love the joy and playfulness Maria Wirries brings to Star. It's such an underrated and important part of her character to me, that she is in fact having fun being one of the boys right up until she isn't, just like Michael.
She's not just any new recruit---she's David's favorite. He picks people he wants to save, but also people he believes will thrive as vampires. I need to get a sense of why he picked her, why he believed in her. If Star is JUST sad and withdrawn and guilty, then it doesn't work. She has to also be fearless and silly and have poor judgement! Like a normal teenager!
Which is a key difference from the movie! I believe movie!David and Star have a fucked up bond in that she's his now, and thus his to protect, and I will never ever let go of Gertz's face when Max is looking at David's body because she is doing MATH...but it's not the same connection (this is NOT Gertz's fault tbc; she is doing all she can with the world's flimsiest role). It feels like movie!Star is doing some flirty fishing to recruit the new boy, even if David told her Michael was going to be her first. Musical!David? Absolutely intended Star to eat poor Moonbeam right up until the punchening, when he decided actually new plan, new boyfriend.
Wirries' Star is so full of life, like a candle burning at both ends. The performance of "Have to Have You" has really evolved a sense of playfulness since the show opened, and I think that's important! Yeah, it's a show, but it's also like an outlet where Star can pour all these feelings safely (i think she wrote "have to have you," actually). All her hunger and desire and the things she WANTS to do but knows she can't. She forgets herself with David on stage, with Michael during his Last First Date. She wants to. And then she stops for a second, up on the billboard, and Jesus fuck Wirries' face just looks TIRED. Like...well, the comedown from a high.
I think David thought he was giving her a way to keep burning forever without ever having to come down, and what she's feeling instead is the experience of being constantly reduced to ashes.
Thinkin a lot about how David's dialogue is written from the movie to the stage, because as far as I'm concerned Ali Louis Bourzgui has done for David what Mads Mikkelson did for Hannibal: created a distinct spin on the character that respects but also stands independently alongside the original. It's a very, very rare feat.
Definitely they have guiding similarities: David doesn't ask, he explains how things are gonna be and your options within that framework; he flips his intensity like a switch when he's decided something is his (Ali's interviews are very cool andI want to hear him talk about his process all day); he talks like everything he wants is already his, but he holds onto things like he's drowning.
But I think Kiefer plays David a lot more tightly buttoned up. He's effortless cool, owns the scene in that big coat. And his dialogue is very....pointy. he's not curt, but he needles. He alludes and doesn't explain. Lots of enticing hooks to provoke your attention. And because he's so casual about assuming things belong to him and he'll get what he wants, when he turns his approval on you it's like the sun, even the smallest thing. A little sparkle in his eye, like you're special for catching it. Like you could fix him (you cannot, but you COULD be one of his beautiful boys!). A couple of times of that, you'll do anything for him. And that's the kind of thing you can only do with the intimacy of a camera.
Can't do that shit on the stage. Which isn't to say Ali isn't performing subtleties (he's murdering the stage every goddamn night bringing Billy Idol and Jareth and juuuuuust a touch of Willem Dafoe in that rasp). But he has to go more overt with the layers.
So stage!David's dialogue is more....uh, daddy? For lack of a better word. He's heavy on the love-bombing, very overtly sympathetic in a way that's still very controlled---he is recognizing your struggle on the way to funneling you down one specific path he's decided you'll take. And he so believes you can do it. He would know, he picked you. So I would call his dialogue less needle and more velvet. Purrs it over you and smothers out any response that isn't the one he wanted. And does still bait the hook with just enough of himself to pull you in (because if it's under 14 layers of irony then it isn't actually hurting him!). Both Davids are also very casually touchy of Their Things but boy the stage version wants to be sure you don't miss it (and for this I salute them).
Not the boy, thankfully he doesn't need my help on that front. The song. It is or at least was pretty common to see people suggest cutting it as redundant, but it's such an important moment! It's not just the turning point in Lucy's character arc--I'd argue that without the emotional beat this song provides, we don't get a happy ending.
"Michael" is the moment when Lucy finally stops and recognizes how her desire to skip past the pain of her abusive marriage is preventing her son from dealing with his trauma. Lucy does have several lines in the first scene where she tries to ask Michael about his injury or invite him to confide in her, but Michael isn't ready to believe her and seemingly has his suspicions confirmed when Lucy parentifies him in regards to Sam. She's trying her best but coping badly with her trauma and completely bereft of an adult support network.
I love "Michael" as a companion to "Wild." If "Wild" is about humanizing Lucy in her desire to be not just Mother but also a person in her own right, "Michael" brings her back around to reckon with her responsibilities as a parent. She acknowledges that Michael might never forgive her, that their relationship might never recover, but she still wants to watch over him. It's a marked difference from Max or David, whose parental modes are about how their target fills a hole in their lives--their use.
Lucy decides that loving her son means deciding to be there for him in whatever capacity she can manage, even if it doesn't return the "benefits" (love, loyalty) of the relationship. Lucy's arc is about deciding that she will reject the easy comforts of nostalgia and fake prosperity to break the cycle of abuse wherever she can. Not to make up for the past, but because both she and her boys deserve a better future.
I will confess I do miss the old lyrics:
In general I think letting the show be less specific about character traumas has helped the writing (especially with Star), but in this case I think the song needs the wham of naming the violence. So much of Lucy's poor coping up to that point is about trying to brush past the ugliness to get to something better, to not talk about it when things might get too crushing. So being able to name the violence Michael (and her! He was definitely still hitting her, this kid is not there 24/7) suffered in bald language is a huge breakthrough for her character.
I think Shoshanna absolutely gets us to that place with her delivery of the new lyrics in that spot (thanks @starvedforcontent transcribing):
It doesn't necessarily read intrinsically as different to me than her previous dialogue---it does mean something to underscore her feelings of guilt for the reading comprehension members of the audience, but it doesn't have the same puncturing shock to it. On the other hand, the "i know NOW" is a really weird choice. She is not just realizing this, it has tormented her for years. (I think you could get on with "i've always known" as a substitute).
But that's noodling for its own sake. The point still gets across--this is when Lucy decides she needs to Step Up. And I think it's that mindset that makes her read the comic, even if she thinks it's silly. Because it's a small thing her kid has asked of her, asked her for her trust about. And that decision changes absolutely everything.
