My husband likes to tell me what's happening in the stories he reads. The downside: he is way ahead of me. Tbh I may not have started the story anyway if it didn't sound interesting but since he's so far ahead of me, he starts hitting the feels or other stuff I didn't want to see first. The next thing: when he starts telling me about sad things and character deaths and major plot points cause he can't keep it in, I tend to stop reading. Like, the story is good, but I just got all the trauma of reading secondhand so why should I get it directly? It happened with ORV and with Lord of Mysteries, and its starting to happen with Cultivation Online, so who knows if I'll ever finish any of these....
Meanwhile shadow slave is so fucking good and trash count will have so many chapters to read (though I'll start that one over cause it's been like.. a year? Since I read it)
War November I: The Last of Mohicans (1992) - Recap: Part Two
What exactly is the Seven Years’ War?
This is the moment where I bemoan the American education system, yaddayaddayadda, we all know the deal. But OK, what exactly is it? We learn about it very little in primary schooling, since we focus more on the Revolutionary War most of the time. Which sucks, because this is the FIRST war that crosses oceans! Arguably, this is the first intercontinental war the world had ever seen!
See, as the kinda self-centered nation that we are...OK, the VERY NARCISSISTIC nation that we are, we only focus on the American campaign of this war, which was the French and Indian War. And that actually lasted 9 years, not seven. But this war not only involved England and France, but several other nations. Fighting with the British were the American colonies, the Holy Roman Empire, Portugal, and a bunch of territories that would eventually become Germany (Prussia, Brunswick, Schaumburg, Hesse). And against them with the French were the various Native American nations, Russia, Spain, Sweden, Austria, and India. Yeah, India!
In fact, this war was fought ALL OVER the goddamn place. As each empire attempted to spread their influence at lightning speed, battles were fought in most of North America, the Caribbean, ALL of Europe, Argentina, Senegal, India, Sri Lanka, and the Phillipines. Yeah, uh, this was a HUGE-ass war! And the ending results were monumental.
See, by the time the British won (which they did), they had accomplished quite a few things. France and Spain lost ground in the United States, with France losing BIG, and being pushed solely west of the Mississippi, losing Louisiana in the process. They also lost their territory in Canada, India, and much of the Caribbean. Spain gave up Florida as well, and India gave up the entire eastern region (Bengal) to the British Empire. Yeah. This is the war that gave the UK control over India. Which went...awesome...
The Seven Years’ War is a major part of world history, and should be known as well as any other by your average American student. What’s worse, arguably, is the fact that there are so few films that cover this conflict. Outside of adaptations of The Last of the Mohicans, I was able to find 21 films that cover the whole thing. The most famous of these are TLotM and the classic Stanley Kubrick historical epic, Barry Lyndon.
And yes, this is on my list...even though it’s 3 hours long.
Eventually. I’ll get to it eventually. Anyway, with all of that said, let’s get back to this story, shall we?
SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Recap: Part Two
Cora makes her empassioned plea, tells Duncan to fuck off AGAIN (which is fantastic), then goes to make out with Hawkeye through the prison cell bars. And then, AS IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH, the French attacks the fort so badly, Munro is immediately forced to surrender. Which, again, actually happened! However...it’s about to take a turn. And it’s about to become a grisly part of military history.
See, Munro decides to surrender once he learns that Webb, the other general, has decided not to send him reinforcements, because ever British officer in this movie is an asshole, apparently. With this, and with the generous surrender terms provided by Montcalm, Munro decides to surrender to the French. This sits VERY poorly with Magua, who desperately wants to kill somebody, especially Munro.
Montcalm tries to talk him down, but Magua wants revenge for the death of his people, and especially for the death of his children and his enslavement by the Mohawk allied with Munro. His wife left him, his life was destroyed, and it’s all Munro’s fault! Yeah, shit, Magua’s gonna fucking destroy this dude, huh? Montcalm tells Magua that the French cannot break the terms of the surrender, and will not harm the British forces. But, uh...Magua ain’t French, now, is he?
The next day, the British forces and their allies are shepherded out of the fort unscathed, as promised. But as they walk through the upstate New York wilderness...
Looks like it’s ambush o’clock.
The Huron, led by Magua, come out of the forest and start attacking the troops, who are accompanied by the three Mohicans (one of whom is a prisoner). And it’s a LOT of Huron, all armed with guns and ready to kill. And lemme tell ya, they FUCK the British up. It’s a massacre...and it actually happened.
Yeah, in one of the most infamous events in the French and Indian War, and in the Seven Years’ War, the Native American allies of the French killed Munro’s men after they’d already surrendered. In reality, this was motivated by communication problems between Montcalm and the Native Americans, and happened within the fort. Munro wasn’t there at the time, and would die later that year of unrelated causes. However, in the movie...
Oh, shit, Magua made good on that fucking promise, huh? While Hawkeye and his family save the other Munros, and the Colonel gets his heart eaten (Jesus), the rest of the army gets slaughtered, with the exception of Duncan and some men. They all escape on canoes, pursued by the Huron, and Duncan STILL THREATENS TO KILL HAWKEYE. DUDE! NOT THE FUCKING TIME YOU ASS
Everybody escapes and hides in a cave behind a waterfall, and Duncan continues to be an asshole about BEING ALIVE! God, I hate this dude. They save his ass, AGAIN, and hide in the cave to throw the Huron off of their trail. Hawkeye tells Cora about her father, and she asks him not to tell Alice about it. However, Alice is clearly, like...NOT FUCKING OK RIGHT NOW, and almost walks straight into the waterfall before being saved by Chingachgook.
Realizing that their powder is soaked, Hawkeye and his family decide to take off in order to get more so that they can save them. He pledges to come back and find Cora, and then the three of them jump into the waterfall to escape. And at that point, well, the Huron find the Munros and Duncan and take them prisoner. They’re brought to the main camp of the Huron, and Magua consults with an elder chief, or sachem, speaking only in Huron. Just then, Hawkeye arrives in the camp, assaulted by the people there as an outsider and enemy. He makes it to the Sachem to address him himself, and tells them the truth about Magua’s ambush, with Heyward translating for him in French. He also offers himself in place of the girls.
Basically, Hawkeye and Magua both attempt individual diplomacy checks, and go up against each other. Hawkeye does OK, but Magua rolls a 16 and has a better bonus. The GM rules that Hawkeye be allowed to leave, Heyward will be brought back to the British, Alice will be given to Magua is right the wrongs done to him, and Cora will be burned alive. Damn, dude, that’s a roughie. However, Duncan...Duncan rolls a nat 20, because he translates the statement as sacrificing HIMSELF instead of Cora. Um...damn, dude. Fucking credit where credit’s due, holy shit.
He’s taken and burned, while Cora and Hawkeye are allowed to leave. Looking on from afar, Hawkeye shoots him dead, in order to put him out of his misery. Meanwhile, Uncas and Chingachgook look on as Magua takes Alice away to do God knows what. Uncas rushes in to intercept and save her, getting into a fight with Magua on his own. And it goes...poorly. Magua kills him and throws him OFF THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN.
Alice sees this happen, and walks to the cliff face. Magua tells her to come back, and Alice...OH FUCK WAIT
oh shit alice just jumped off a fucking cliff
That was...Jesus, man. And Cora saw that shit? Fuck me, man, that got brutal fuckin’ FAST! Chingachgook watches his son die, Cora watches her sister die, the sound mixing in this movie is FUCKING HORRIBLE...sorry, had to get that out. It’s SO BAD, guys. I had to change the volume on my TV, like, 20 times.
Chingachgook and Hawkeye catch up to Magua’s Huron party, and Chingachgook murders the ever-loving FUCK out of Magua, godDAMN
Cora and Hawkeye reunite, alive and severely traumatized, and they take off with Chingachgook and reconvene on a mountaintop. I have to turn the volume up again, because of that sound mixing issue, and we hear Chingachogook pray to the Great Spirit to watch over Uncas. He then declares himself Chingachgook...the Last of the Mohicans.
Roll credits.
Yeah, wow, that was...a lot in the last 30 minutes there.
I’ll talk more about this in a review post, but overall, I liked it...mostly. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the ending music is SO LOUD, I have to turn down my TV again. The sound mixing...is garbage.
The big moment has arrived!! I'm so proud to announce that THE LIGHT OF THE MOON (starring @iamstephbeatz & @michaelstahldavid) will be having it's #WorldPremiere IN COMPETITION at #SXSW this March! The @stedfastproductions team, producers @carlovelayo, @michaelcuomo, and I are beyond thrilled to finally get this film out into the world. Check out our new website (link in my bio) and #StayTuned for more details on the screenings! . . . . #TLOTMfilm #TLOTM #EndRapeCulture #WomenInFilm #SupportIndieFilm #ChangeTheRatio #filmmakers #SXSW2017 #Austin (at New York, New York)
War November I: The Last of the Mohicans (1992) - Recap: Part One
Ah, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Steel City of Bridges.
Home of the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates! Historic center of the United States steel and glass industries! Birthplace of Heinz Ketchup and the Clark Bar! The first place where Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood ever aired, and where the first movie theatre opened! And of course, it’s the starting place of a conflict known as the French and Indian War. Sort of.
To fully understand this war, you gotta go back to the beginning of European settlement in the American colonies. See, once world was out about the New World, everybody looked across the Atlantic and wanted a thick, juicy piece of that sweet, sweet, delicious land. And by the time we reach 1754, tensions are high against the two European countries that tensions were always high between: the English and the French.
See, in 1753, the French decided to perch right on the confluence to two rivers in Pennsylvania, on a site that would later be Pittsburgh. However, there was already a British settlement there in the form of a trading post. In response, the Americans would build Fort Prince George, named after every Hamilton fan’s favorite British king. And since America did belong to him at the time, the American armies were ordered to kick the French the fuck OUT.
Lieutenant Governor of Virginia, Robert Dinwiddie, decided to send a force to finish and occupy the fort, as well as five more spots along the rivers in the territories. To lead this offensive, he sent a 21 year-old major who had recently had success in negotiating with a local Native American tribe. His name was also George.
George Washington is on one of his first big military missions. He’s sent to route the French out of English territory, and ends up going to to Williamsburg, Virginia to do so. The French have already taken off at this point, but the tensions have already risen to the point of escalation. Each side builds new fortifications in the region, with the English fortification erected under future Pittsburgh.
Washington ends up going after some of the French, they retaliate, and before you know it, THERE’S A WAR ON! Is it English or is it French territory? Well, technically, when you think about it...
Yeah, what about the Native Americans?
Even at this early pre-American point in our history, our relationships with native Americans were...not good, to say the least. At the Albany Congress in 1754, the British managed to formally ally with the Catawba, Mohawk, and Cherokee tribes. Which is good for them. Except for the fact that the French allied with the Abenaki, Wabanaki, Mi’kmawm Algonquin, Lenape, Ojibwa, Ottawa, Shawnee, and Wyandot (or Huron) tribes. And yeah...that was BAD for the Brits, because that’s a LOT of enemies to face.
And so, the stage is set. While war wouldn’t be officially declared until TWO YEARS LATER, the British have their 42,000 poised to fight the 10,000 of the French armies. And while you’d THINK the French were at a disadvantage here, it turns out that having people who know the American frontier like the back of their hands is really valuable, and they proceed to just SPANK the British for two years. By 1757, Britain isn’t going great, and while the Native Americans are getting increasingly screwed by both sides.
With that, it’s time to get into the battle with an adaptation of a story written during this historic conflict. I’ll get more into that later, I promise.
SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Recap: Part One
The year is 1757, and the French and Indians War rages on! A young man with a glorious mullet runs headlong through the woods, brandishing a musket. This is the star of the show, Nathaniel “Hawkeye” Poe (Daniel Day-Lewis), and he’s on the hunt for venison. He’s accompanied by a Mohican man named Chingachgook (Russell Means), and his son Uncas (Eric Schweig).
At the end of a busy day in the Adirondack Mountains, they meet with a family of settlers, the Camerons. These are John (Terry Kinney), Alexandra (Tracey Ellis) and son James Cameron (Justin M. Rice), all of whom somehow have different accents, and one of whom will one day make a mediocre Pocahontas rip-off YEAH I SAID IT.
The Camerons tell the three men about the war between the English colonies and the French, but they don’t seem to care much. The next day, they plan on heading west, hopefully away from any conflict. The next day, a British soldier comes to the village nearby, known as Albany, in an attempt to get soldiers, colonist and Native American alike, to join the fight against the French. And as said, Nathaniel doesn’t really care.
This is probably a good time to mention that our friend Nathaniel is white, and is essentially the adopted son of Chingachgook. As such, he travels and identifies specifically with the Native Americans in the area, specifically of the Mohawk and Mohican variety. Although, of course, there are much fewer of the latter.
On the same day, the representatives of the local city council go to the local British general to negotiate their terms of service in serving for the crown as a militia. This is distasteful to the newly arrived officer, Major Duncan Heyward (Steven Waddington), who seems like, well...kind of a dick. He’s on his way to Fort William Henry, and to pick up the daughters of the general he’s to serve under. He’ll also be accompanied by Mohawk guide, Magua (Wes Studi).
Said daughters include Cora Munro (Madeleine Stowe), whom Heyward wishes to marry. But, immediately, it’s obvious that Cora’s not exactly into the whole proposition. Indeed, during a luncheon on a fancy table in the middle of a field...OK...she shoves him immediately into the friendzone, and he hangs on to the edge kicking and screaming. He eventually gets her to agree to think about it, through good old-fashioned chauvinism.
Cora’s sister Alice (Jodhi May) shows up, excited for their adventure into the wilderness, and to see the...color-based slur for Native Americans that I don’t feel comfortable saying for OBVIOUS REASONS. The next day, the uncertain Cora heads out with Alice, Duncan, and a platoon, led by Magua through the forest.
Magua suddenly and unexpectedly turns on the British army, killing several soldiers as part as an ambush by a group of Native Americans. Can’t be Mohawk, then, since they allied with the British at this point in the war. The troop of soldiers is slaughtered, only saved by the intervention of Chingachcook and his sons.
The Munro sisters and Duncan survive, as do all three of our Mohicans. The guys agree to lead the tourists to Fort William Henry, and reveal that Magua and his compatriots are actually Huron. Makes sense, since they did ally with the French in the war. Speaking of, Duncan’s incensed by the fact that Hawkeye seems to not be a part of the war effort, but Hawkeye genuinely doesn’t give a shit.
The group happens upon the Camerons, and find that they were indeed slaughtered, likely by Magua and his people. They choose not to bury them, despite their connection, in order not to reveal their presence there, and thus aid in tracking the party. Now it’s Cora’s turn to be incensed, until she learns the reason why later that night from Hawkeye, while on a watch. In the process of their conversation, we learn that Hawkeye’s parents died when he was a toddler, and he was raised by Chingachgook as his own son. And as he tells her a Mohican myth about the origins of the night sky, Cora beings her transformation into the inevitable love interest.
Their journey continues through the next day, and they happen upon a battlefield that night. This is Fort William Henry, where Colonel Edmund Munro (Maurice Roeves) is waging a battle against General Louis-Joseph de Montcalm (Patrice Chereau). The date is August 3, 1757, which I know because this actually happened. This siege, as well as its commanding generals, is real. However, it’s not gonna go well for the British.
When the family reunites, Duncan reveals that Magua’s a dick, and didn’t deliver a letter that was meant to prevent the girls from coming, and to get reinforcements from Albany. At this point, Munro has accepted that, well...they’re completely fucked. With more men and a greater artillery, the French are absolutely going to win. However, there’s some hope when it’s revealed that Webb is in a fort only 12 miles way, and might be able to send reinforcements.
But JUST as he gets that information, Magua tells Montcalm that he’s headed to Fort Edwards. He also reveals that he ABSOLUTELY DESPISES Munro for some reason. And when I say he hates him...
When the Grey Hair is dead, Magua will eat his heart. Before he dies, Magua will put his children under the knife, so the Grey Hair will know his seed is wiped out forever.
Yeah, OK, he fucking hates this dude. Can’t wait to find out the probably horrible reason why. In the meantime, Hawkeye and his guys are taking the fuck off, but not before he goes to Cora one last time to make goo-goo eyes with her. She makes them back at him, because Inevitable Love Interest, and they part ways.
Speaking of parting ways, the militia find out about the Camerons, and realize that it’s time to head back home. Based on their deal with Webb, they have the right to leave if their livelihoods and properties are threatened. However, Munro decides to...well, he decides to be a dick, and he refuses to release them for this purpose on only Hawkeye’s word about the Camerons.
When asked to testify to the slaughter, Duncan also goes for the asshole route, and says that he saw nothing of concern. Hawkeye calls him a liar (which he fucking is), he gets all pissy about it, and Cora (who saw the entire thing) officially says “fuck this dude” and storms off. The militia and Hawkeye start to indicate their plans to leave, Duncan shouts that “THAT IS SEDITION”, and Hawkeye straight-up threatens the dude. Good, kick his ASS.
After Munro tells them to fuck off, and the militia suddenly starts feeling the urge to throw all the British tea in a harbor somewhere for some reason, Cora tells Duncan to promptly fuck off. She also goes to make out with Hawkeye, because Inevitable Love Interest. However, that comes back to bite them in the ass when Hawkeye sneaks the militia out that night, and is arrested by Munro for sedition.
Good place to pause, I think! See you in Part Two!
