Hi so i just got diagnosed with ADHD-I and i was having a conversation with my mother about it and i know for a fact that adhd effects all aspects of life but she thinks this only effects school? she told me we only did the assessment fr school and i genuinely dont know what to think like I'VE TOLD HER everything i know and i've told her all the ways it effects a persons life yet she doesnt seem to understand, like i still get comments about me being lazy and distracted daily and i dont know what to do
So I just want to clarify, you're saying that you've already discussed with her the way your ADHD is affecting your life, and she's not exactly being mindful of that when she talks to you?
My advice is that, from here, your relationship with her is going to take some work on your part - specifically, figuring out what works best for you, and potentially finding ways she can assist you in implementing your strategies. But have hope! It is possible.
If you and your mom have some time, you may try to ask her if you can bounce an idea for a plan off of her. Crucially, have a plan for what you hope to implement going into that discussion. Focus on the things you struggle with. Let her know that you struggle with it, but that there are some things you'd like to try, and what does she think? If there's a component that she can help with, outline what that is.
Hopefully, you will be able to implement some accommodations that help you, but even if not, it may help her understand that you care if you show that you've been thinking about this, and it's something you take seriously.
I don't know what exactly the think you struggle with is, so I will give some examples of my own solutions.
I don't have a very consistent appetite, and when I don't eat I don't focus as well. When my mom did a majority of the food shopping, I asked her to make sure we always had a few key foods (for me, that was sunflower seeds, trail mix, and canned soup) that I knew were easy for me to munch on and wouldn't quickly go bad, for the times when detailed food preparation was difficult.
Motivating myself to begin a task is often the hardest part of that task, so when my mom wanted me to do something like the dishes, I asked her to give me a time frame she would like it done by; rather than saying "do this now", it really helped if it was simply phrased "can you make that the next thing you do when you finish what you're working on now?" or "can you get this done before dinnertime?" Especially, for me, i tend to think of tasks as a sequence, so it helps me to place it before or after another task, rather than at a time.
I am very accustomed to the layout of my house, so if I need to do a task, I tend to set things where I will notice it - a post-it note on my pillow, for example, or the jacket I want to bring hooked on my doorknob. If you plan to implement something like that, let her know you'll be trying it, and ask her to let you know if she moves anything of yours.
When my mom wanted me to do tasks, I would ask her to text me right away; that way I would have it written down (and I would be able to see how much time had passed since she asked me) so I would have a reminder.
As an ongoing suggestion; If she does do something that helps you, tell her thanks. Even if it's a little annoying. If she says "Hey, were you gonna get up and do those dishes," say, "Thanks for reminding me! Give me just a moment to put away X." It sounds like part of the problem is that she's frustrated, and while that isn't necessarily your responsibility, you may still be able to do something about it just by trying to tell her that you appreciate it if it does seem like she's genuinely trying to help.
Conversely, if she's doing something UNhelpful, try to give an alternative instead of simply asking her to stop. In my experience, people who are getting involved with a problem don't want to be told to go away. Try to find a task that could help you. If she's given you a lists of chores, maybe ask "Do you mind writing that down as a list with check boxes?" Even if you think you'll remember the list, she might just need to FEEL like she's helping you.
I don't have more specific advice without knowing the specific details of your conflict. I'm genuinely sorry it's been frustrating interacting with her (and apologies for my delayed response) but hopefully it's alright that I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that she's getting involved because she cares, even if she's not being as kind about it as she could be.
Start by showing her that you're putting thought into how to help yourself
And if you feel comfortable doing so, tell her that it's hurtful when she calls you lazy, or implies it. When you're really trying, and really struggling, only to have it come across as lack of effort, that can be really discouraging! Tell her so. hopefully she understands.
