#toad ramsey

[never-a-president]

Toad Ramsey was never president of the United States.

[oldtimefamilybaseball]

Six Bobbleheads I Wish Were Real

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We're already living in a world ruled by bobbleheads. After all, we've already received a bobblehead based off of a ballplayer's commercial that went viral: 

(image via KatsFM) 

A rain globe as suggested by Grant Brisbee: 

(image via Rain Globes) 

and next year will not only see a Joe Kelly-in-a-standoff-with-Scott-Van-Slyke bobblehead, but a Hunter Pence on a scooter bobblehead, too. 

(via Hunter Pence's Instagram) 

Anything is possible. Everything is art. We are a post-post-modern society. 

So what bobbleheads should we be begging for in the very near future: 

Dock Ellis LSD No-Hitter: 

With one-eye cartoonish large and fearful, the other narrow and focused, and with a tab of acid on Ellis' extended tongue, this bobblehead will forever memorialize Dock Ellis' insane June 12, 1970. On that day, Ellis somehow pitched a no-hitter despite walking eight, striking out six, and diving out of the way of weakly hit ground balls, . 

If you've never seen James Blagden's cartoon of the event, enjoy: 

Even better, the bobblehead will feature a psychedelic pinwheel behind the bobblehead, forever spinning its array of colors to give the effect that yes, you are also tripping. 

Toad Ramsey Bobblehead and Beer Mug

Toad Ramsey is one of the greatest forgotten players in baseball history. Besides not being the most attractive man (hence the name 'Toad'), Ramsey is credited with throwing the very first knuckleball after he severed his finger with a trowel. (Though today we would consider it more of a knuckle curve.) 

Even more impressive, Ramsey also invented pouring a shot of whiskey into a mug of beer, making him the greatest American inventor of all-time, move over Thomas Edison, you fraud. 

This bobblehead will not only be a bobblehead, but will double as a beer mug, too, Ramsey's detachable belly giving way to a container where you can make your own "Toad Ramsey cocktail." 

Red Sox Team Beard Bobblehead

(image via Sports Illustrated) 

I guess I would struggle to call this one a "bobblehead," because really, it's closer to a giant omni-beard that would hang on your wall, a conversation piece for all guests.

Inside of this giant tendril of beards (the hair taken from Red Sox fans who fell asleep in their seats), hanging above your mantle like some 4th grade spelling trophy, would be the small, ever-so-slightly bobbing and nodding heads of the 2013 Red Sox.

Special bonus: Every time a breeze blows through the beard, the scent of Jonny Gomes' peculiar musk will fill the air. 

Robert Andino Mood Bobblehead

Unsure if you're happy, sad, or gassy? Have no fear. Just give a few shakes to the Robert Andino Mood Bobblehead and his face will float up from the ether, kind of like a Magic 8 Ball, letting you know your correct mood. 

The Bob Gibson Angry Stare Bobblehead

This bobblehead, a lifesize 6'1" replica of the pitcher, will stare menacingly at you all day long. No matter where you turn, the bobblehead and its intimidating glare will follow you, letting you know that it disapproves of your clothing, your hair, your very way of life. 

And for bosses who wish to telecommute, it's a great motivating tool! 

The AJ Burnett Batman Bobblehead

(image via Bleeding Yankee Blue) 

Should AJ Burnett decide to retire this year, he can fortunately fall back on a second career goal: evening vigilante, providing his own brand of necessary street justice. 

The pitcher, who already has a Batman tattoo on his arm, is also known to dress up as the Dark Knight on Halloween and go to his children's school. I have to assume that when he does, he also throws the young children against the lockers and demands to know, "WHERE ARE THE DRUGS GOING?!"

So how about it, bobblehead manufacturers. Just make one of these and we'll call it square. 

[oldtimefamilybaseball]

Over at the Hall of Very Good, I have a piece up on the world's first knuckleballer, Toad Ramsey. A little taste: 

"Ramsey, whose given name was Thomas, earned his nickname by being a tub of goo that quite literally looked “like a toad.” Which is quite an accomplishment considering that Hot Pockets and cookie butter were still decades from being invented.  He was also the world’s first baseball magician; the first player to throw those floating, flitting, cross-dimensional pitches known as The Knuckleball.

Just as Bruce Wayne needed to lose his parents to become a crime fighter and John Henry Kellogg needed to give enemas to sanitarium patients so he could invent corn flakes, Ramsey had to undergo personal tragedy to ascend to his pitching throne. While working as a bricklayer, Ramsey sliced the tendon of his index finger with a trowel, forcing him to hold the baseball with the tip of his finger."

For the rest of the article, which I know for a fact you'll want to read (because why wouldn't you?) you'll have to click through. So go ahead. Do it. I'll still be here when you get back.