#today is easter

[idontliketomatoesleavemealone]

like, not to be rude, but my mom kind of sucks at planning

[markswoman]

DUDE YOUR FEET PICS MESSAGES I C A N T B R E A T H E HOEHHAHAHHAH

I SCREAMED WHEN I SAW THE MESSAGES I’M GOING TO BREAK MY KNEECAPS

[loverz-r-us]

I’m laughing 

I’m crying

It feels like I’m dying 

[blog-inactive]

One of the women from the message I sent directed me to a book called Fervent. It’s written by the main actress in War Room. (I had no idea she was an author.) I’m only a chapter in, but my posture changed as I read it.  It is a reminder of the constant spiritual war going on, of satan’s limited power and God’s great power, of our identity in Christ.  The picture I posted is from the 10 most common ways satan sets us back.  I had to laugh when I saw the anxiety/worry example taken from the book of Joshua. And I had to cry when she wrote about fighting for those we love in prayer.  I have been praying for Josh, but I’ve been praying in exasperation and confusion, hoping the Holy Spirit would discern what I mean, but maybe I don’t know what I mean. I don’t.  Praying for Josh is so very hard, because it requires me to lift him up alone -- not as an extension of myself, but as his own person....as another child of God in danger. But most of the time, I find myself adding, “And if it is Your will, please let us find our way back to each other to marry.” I am selfish. So selfish. And that makes it hard to pray for him. But selfishness aside, I want to learn to love him more than myself and my desires, even if that means he will flourish without me by his side. I think I’ve been scared to pray to that extent, because it is just plain scary to think of my life without him. Panic/anxiety attacks a month after cutting off contact? Obviously problematic. This book reminded me, though, that I do love him and will continue to fight for his life, on both sides of eternity. Just maybe with a bit more strategy this go around. The last conversation I had with his mother, we were both a little teary-eyed, and she told me that I shouldn’t stop praying for him. She looked so serious. I’m sure she was/is serious.  Satan needs to watch it. I’m rising. From the anxiety and fear. From the depression. From everything I am wallowing in that God has not meant for my life.  I will fight. For my life, for his life. For the kids’ lives. For their parents’ lives. All the people I love (read: anyone I know). My heart feels alive again. In pain, but alive. Not hardened or bitter. Just hurting for those I love.

[basorexianiall]

Two months ago, you told me my hair smelled like flowers. But today, you stepped on a rose.

[carpememento]

I'm not religious...

I went to church today, it felt good. I had feelings I have not felt in a long time. However I felt something was missing... during the service I had the urge to run outside. The walls of this place of worship limit and constrict me. The Church is welcoming do not get me wrong. But I feel - no- I know that nature needs to be interwoven with religion.

I think it may finally be time to read the bible from front to back. I do not know if it will make me believe, or will leave me unchanged. But it will educate me of the thing that some people hold so strong, and believe so hard in. Should be fun, debating on whether I should do it only stoned or not... hmm