#tomophobia

[zephyr-the-artist]

Tomophobia!Derp my beloved-

AWAWAWAWA!!! MY SHAYLA!!!!

[zephyr-the-artist]

Tomo the phobia.

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Uhhhh… yeah I have tomophobia :,3👍

Surgery scares me to shit.

Just thought I’d share that with you guys.

I’m gonna continue watching Friday Night Incident now.

I didn’t know what to put so have the visualiser for Tomophobia.

TW: Slight body horror because of how Grafter’s face looks. Also slight blood and missing person poster. Another trigger warning that my dumbass forgot to put: MENTIONS OF SURGERY AND THE FEAR OF SURGERY.

Putting that there because I mention surgery and the phobia name for the fear of surgery by talking about how much it scares me.

[sapphiclittlecryptid]

I hate having tomophobia, would have had top surgery years ago.

if there was a time skip option and zoop tits be gone that would be perfect.

I barely made it through gettimg my wisdom teeth out.

[deryn-the-goblin]

It's not really about galeophobia

I think most people are scared of something. Maybe it's storms. Maybe it's heights. Maybe it's really big dogs. Totally not judging here. Maybe there's no reason for it. Maybe you had something happen as a kid. None of my business.

Let's imagine a person who's terrified of something really, really, specific. Like, it isn't guaranteed to never happen, but it's also highly unlikely. Let's say... maybe sharks. They're scared to death of sharks.

If they avoid the ocean for the rest of their life, then there is a good chance this fear just won't come up unless they go to an aquarium or something. If they live anywhere away from the coast, it's rarely going to be a problem. And, okay, shark week on television is very very bad, and they would rather watch basically anything other than Jaws, and they accidentally saw Finding Nemo without being warned about the sharks and still try to avoid thinking about it because it makes them want to crawl under a weighted blanket and not come out, but still. Not a major thing, most of the time. They live a basically normal life.

Except.

There's one...small...problem.

This person has a curse. They are cursed to be miserable, sometimes to the degree of suicidal ideation, because they absolutely will not, will not, will never, recognize themselves in the mirror without the scars from a shark bite. It's a weird curse. They hate it. They go for years trying to ignore it. They try various options to try and work around the curse but, no, only a real shark bite will do.

This person has literally had panic attacks about sharks. The mere thought of a shark tooth anywhere near them makes them want to throw up. They have had to hold themselves together every time a classmate in school did a project on sharks growing up, because they knew their fear was irrational, they knew they were the problem here.

But at the same time, they must get bitten by a shark or they will live with a different pain, the pain of always being subtly wrong, for the rest of their lives. They could live that way. It might be a healthier way to live, even. Getting bitten by a shark, even under the most controlled of circumstances, is still a risk. Most sane people cannot comprehend why they would want to do that to themselves, why they would put themselves through something like that, why they even have that psychological torment.

This is exactly what it's like to be trans, have dysphoria, and have a phobia of surgery and medical procedures.

It is insane that I have a phobia and am going to voluntarily have a medical procedure that I could theoretically live a normal and healthy life without. It is insane that I'm doing this because I've had gender dysphoria since puberty. I know I am making the right decision, that I'll endure a month's extreme discomfort in exchange for the rest of my life free from this particular source of psychic damage.

It's insane that, because phobias are somewhat irrational by nature, I cannot even express why I am doing any of this except by drawing on the equivalence-to-me of gender affirming surgery and shark bites. I hate, with every fiber of my being, that this is the best route forward. That I am going to give myself more ptsd - I'm still getting flashbacks about the hysterectomy - over something that about 50% of the population have no particular problems Just Dealing With.

I hate that I can't think my way out of this one, I've TRIED. I've tried, for so long, and it hasn't worked. I mean, I don't have an instant panic attack over needles anymore. I can (very uncomfortably) survive (most) routine medical procedures.

I hate that this is something over two months in the future and it's still eating up so much of my brain power.

[deryn-the-goblin]

According to my chart, I have two months and seventeen days until top surgery.

I know I want it. I know I need it. I know that if I put it off until next year, I might not be able to get it. But oh god oh god oh god oh god oh

[deryn-the-goblin]

Heads up: if you, like me, have tomophobia (extreme fear of medical procedures, to the point where it affects your life and pursuit of healthcare) it might be helpful to bring a comfort object. The doctor let me keep Yasmine here with me the entire time through surgery yesterday, even in the operating room. I also brought her to all my iron infusions. I am literally never going without a doll to an appointment again, it’s made so much difference to feel like I have an ally with me even if she’s vinyl and not alive.

[deryn-the-goblin]

It sounds so cliche to say that part of why I'm scared out of my mind about my upcoming hysterectomy is mommy issues.

But, well, it's kinda true?

Lemme explain.

So, when I was a kid, I had dental surgery. I had an impacted tooth, and my orthodontist wanted to pull it.

I did not consent to this. In fact, I vehemently and vocally did not consent to it. It was not necessary surgery. It's fairly common to put a bracket on a tooth like mine and pull it down and into position normally, no extraction involved. They wanted to pull it and later implant a fake tooth.

To do that, they wanted to put me under anesthesia. I was scared out of my mind of anesthesia, and had a meltdown in the oral surgeon's chair. My mother told me to stop or they would hold me down. When they did knock me out, I don't think I was fully unconscious. I had nightmares of the procedure while I was anesthetized.

Until that point, I'd considered my mother an ally, a defender. This was a huge betrayal, and one I have never fully gotten over.

I refused to have her take me to get my wisdom teeth removed. I also refused to get them removed under anesthesia or even a sedative, just a local shot.

My mom's going to be the one to take me to get a hysterectomy. There isn't anyone else, or I'd have told her to stay away again. Part of me is still a child, absolutely panicked that somebody will hold me down, will disregard my consent (or lack thereof), will force me to have something I do not want. Part of me does not trust my mother to help me protect myself.

I do want this surgery; If I could wave a magic wand and disappear my uterus, I think I would've done it when I first learned I had one. I've had dysphoria about that since I was about seven. But, I am scared to death that my consent will be violated. I am scared to death that people I trust will turn on me because they don't trust me to know my own body. That fear is clearly not unfounded.

Legally, I am an adult; my mother has no more say over my body, and hasn't for some time. She's also made a conscious effort to be supportive of this decision. My therapist, who works with probably about half of the local trans population, vouches for the surgeon. Having met the surgeon, I'm inclined to trust that judgement. The woman is an absolute saint, she was incredibly kind, and as a side effect of prepping for the surgery somebody actually noticed I'm anemic and actually fucking did something about that.

So. I'm scared out of my mind, I don't trust my mother to have my back, I'm scared of the nightmares, I'm scared of the pain, I'm scared of going somewhere I don't know and having people I don't know literally remove parts of my body. Parts of my body that have only ever brought me pain, yes, but still.

I've spent most of the day panicking.

I'll still go through with this, I think. Because I do both want and need a hysterectomy, for gender reasons, for chronic pain reasons. But also because... I don't want to feel this way. I want to give my mom a chance to rebuild that trust. I want to make sure that what happened to me as a kid won't happen in the future. It's better to have this about something that (as far as anyone can tell) isn't about a life-threatening issue than to make everything worse by having it about something that might actually be life or death. It's better to address this such that I have some degree of control over the situation.

But, oh gods, I'm scared.

[poopiediapersarehot]

nosferatu (2024)

spitting blood •

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heartbeat ~

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graphic ship scene (can skip without missing context) •

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needle usage ‘

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she kinda goes sicko mode idk •

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foaming at the mouth •

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freaky gyall, unpleasant visual •

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blood dripping from mouth •

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spitting blood on coffin •

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spitting blood after stabbing •

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he’s gross •

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he’s grosser •

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