After an eternity, me and @ketlingr finally found the time for another round of our little prompt game! And well, since @ketlingr suggested using a song as inspiration this time, I immediately thought of Fading by William Bolton (which is 100% @hello-shellhead‘s fault by the way) and now here we are.
It was surprisingly hard to write and didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to but it is what it is I guess. Which Tony working through the events of CW. More or less.
Check out @tonystarkstoga for all the other prompts we’ve already written!
“felt so good when i closed that door”--Fading by William Bolton
Eventually, inevitably, the former Avengers are reunited.
“Tony.”
Tony would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it. This. Every time he had reread Steve’s letter. Every time he had woken up at night, sweaty and shaking, throat hoarse from screaming. Every time the oh so innocent looking phone had rung.
Every time he hadn’t answered it.
There had been hatred in the beginning. And rage. A lot of angry words he had screamed at the walls. More drinks than Tony cared to remember. Countless glasses smashed. Because the hurt was too much to be kept inside, needed to be spread. Needed to hurt someone, something else.
Eventually the fury had faded. Tony had tried to hold on to it, tried to keep the hot flames alive in his heart, because as destructive as the fire was, anything was better than the cold. But anger required energy. And energy was hard enough to come by as it was, these days.
It didn’t dissipate exactly. Because Tony--a better man, maybe, could have let it go, but Tony was never going to be that man. He couldn’t.
He just--focused on other things. Less hurtful, less tiring, more important things. Preparing Earth for a threat it wasn’t willing to acknowledge, for example.
The time and distance--helped. For the most part.
Sometimes a stray thought or a throw-away comment would bring Steve to Tony’s mind again. Made him recall the last time they didn’t talk--because they had never, in all their years of working together, found a way to truly talk with each other--the last fight where everything had gone wrong--
Except that wasn’t quite true, was it? Things had been wrong long before they ever entered that abandoned bunker. Long before the Accords had ever become a reality.
Sometimes Tony still thinks about seeing Steve again. About bashing his skull in with his own fucking shield. About throwing insults and unwelcome truths until he’s hurting just as much. Like maybe it will soothe the burn of Tony’s own wounds.
(It won’t. He knows that.)
Sometimes Tony thinks about shaking Steve’s hand. About hugging him. About walking side by side.
(Those times he hates the most.)
Of all the things that happened in those messed-up days--Rhodey’s fall, Spiderman’s quip, his mother’s last moments alive--it’s Steve’s face that really stands out.
His expression when he looked at Tony.
‘He’s my friend.’
Tony rubs at the phantom ache in his chest. As though he can erase it, if only he puts enough pressure on. But. Unlike the rage, the bitter taste of betrayal, of dashed dreams and disappointed expectations, never faded.
It’s not as all-consuming anymore, but it’s still there, lingering in the back of his mind. Present.
Tony thinks less and less often about it. But.
It doesn’t fade.
“Tony,” Steve says. Hesitation, discomfort, wariness, hope flashing across his face in dizzying succession.
And Tony. Tony remembers drunk evenings and tears he couldn’t bring himself to cry. Remembers jokes and claps on the shoulder, and hits that hurt even when they missed their intended target.
Tony has lost a lot of himself in the past year. For Steve. Because of Steve. For reasons utterly unrelated to Steve. But he hasn’t forgotten how good they were together. He hasn’t forgotten how easily they fell apart. And letting go of the pain, the bitterness, the ugly spite--Tony has never been that good a man.
“Captain Rogers.”
No fury. No accusation. No insults. No welcome.
No inflection at all.
(Some things fade. Some things remain.)
For those of you who don’t know the song, give it a shot! It’s really good and reminds me very much of Tony post CW. Despite it being the prompt though this ficlet is only vaguely inspired by it, I’m afraid.
