I know you have stuff for burned Lion to help unburn about what do I think could help the other primaries unburn? Like would a snake unburn just by going out a making friends? But like talking to people can be scary and it takes time to make friends... And I suppose Badgers could maybe join new communities I suppose. I have no idea what Bird would do other then make/fix their system but I have no clue how one would go about doing that.
Confused? Pretty sure this was sent to a different blog? @wisteria-lodge had a lot of asks to answer and asked for some help from the SHC community, so I’ll be answering a few they sent my way!
Not to get too serious here, but I think it's important to note this anyway: The first steps to unburning are the same for everyone, and it's getting yourself in a position where you can unburn, and working on what caused that damage. Something hurt you in a very important place. You need to get away from the thing that hurt you, and it's entirely possible there's going to be something you need to deal with about it before you can fully fix it. You might be able to get a little better, even if that's not immediately possible, but at its core, unburning is more about being able to deal with what caused you to burn than it is anything else.
But, if that's a road you can get on, there's likely to be things you can do along the way. I can’t tell you how to let people in, join new communities, or build a system, not the least because that’s gonna depend on your person who, what, and how too much for me to say generally. Also, I don’t see that as the process so much as both the consequence -- as you unburn, you’ll probably be able to figure out how to connect to these things in a way you had trouble doing when burnt -- and the eventual endgame. There are baby steps to go through first.
What I can offer is some generalities, and make some educated guesses at how they’ll apply to Snake and Bird Primaries, and some slightly more informed guesses from my position as a Burned Badger, but if anyone else -- any actual Snakes and Birds in particular -- have some insight on things that helped them or thoughts on what they think might do so, I'd love to hear it. Under the bump, because this post grew kinda long:
➢ Engage with fiction and media that feeds your primary.
Snakes can try attaching to characters; Birds can think about the rules underpinning a different life or universe; Badgers can borrow that found family feel from media to feed that need. Look up characters that share your primary, and think about how their stories make you feel. Make a playlist and stick songs that make your primary hum on it. Start keeping a document full of quotes or a bookmark folder full of images that hit your brain in that way.
You don’t need to be able to explain why you feel that way, especially not immediately. Get as tenuous and weird with those connections as you want! But spend some time listening for what your primary clicks with. From there you might want to dissect the why, or you might just want to wallow in it -- that’s probably a secondary thing, really -- but either way, the stockpile can be useful.
➢ Find low-impact things that feed your primary.
Which may not be the best phrasing, so let me give you an example: as a Badger who’s burned and a little hesitant about actively engaging in community, one of the things that really soothes that need for connection for me is livestreams. I don’t even read along the chats on most of them, but having that sense that other people are participating in the same thing I am gives me the warm fuzzies and makes me feel like a part of something. Timed challenges can do it too -- I like to participate in things like NaNoWriMo and NaPoWriMo, because there’s a sense that everyone’s in it together. These don’t require me to directly tackle the burn -- I’m not fully engaging, and nobody ever has to know I’m there, but it still feeds that part of me and keeps me attached to it.
I gotta admit for this one I don’t know necessarily what this might look like for Birds and Snakes -- I don’t even know if the things that work for me here would work for other Badgers! But if you can find something that stirs those feelings, while being non-important enough that you still can engage, hold on to it, make a note of it, and try to set aside time for it as best you can.
➢ Talk about important things with people who share your primary.
This might work better for some than others, but for me, being part of the SHC community has been a big help in helping me feel like my Badger could someday get healthier. Seeing other Badgers say things and going “oh! yeah! I get that!” feels really good. Now, maybe this is a Badger-community-seeking thing, so if any Birds/Snakes feel differently and want to chime in, go for it -- or it might look differently there! for Birds it might involve healthy debate, for Snakes listening to other Snakes gush about their loved ones -- but it may be worth giving a try.
And narrowing down the broad topic of healing specifically aimed at your primary, these are easier said than done, but the applicable ones probably need doing nonetheless:
➣ Accept that unburnt you may interact with your primary differently than memories you might have of pre-burnt you.
➣ Forgive yourself and don’t beat yourself up for being burned.
➣ When you do feel your primary stirring, learn not to doubt and shout it back down.
But as I said, these are just my thoughts as a Badger who’s still working on trying to unburn, so -- anyone else out there have suggestions or things that worked for them?
an exploded badger here who'd like to, you know.. find healthier ways to function. do you have any ideas?
Confused? Pretty sure this was sent to a different blog? @wisteria-lodge had a lot of asks to answer and asked for some help from the SHC community, so I’ll be answering a few they sent my way!
I’m gonna run by this real fast on this one, but standard reminder that like unburning, unexploding almost always starts with getting yourself into a position where you’re safe enough to do so and working on what caused it. And in exploded Badger Primary especially, the chances are high that what’s around you contributed to that mindset.
But this seems to be more about looking for coping strategies or ways to help, not a full reversal. I’ll be honest, fighting the exploded bits of my Primary is something I’ve struggled with a lot -- even more than the burned parts, I think. I can offer some experience, and some conjecture, but it’s something that I’m still working out as well, so if anyone else who’s dealt with or is dealing with it has thoughts, I’d love to hear them added on.
Also I can offer a lot of sympathy and an open askbox, but that’s another story.
Some things that have done me good personally or that I believe would be helpful:
Note: Future-me popping back after the rest of the post to say that as a lot of this is from personal experience, some of it drifted into mental illness-adjacent topics and emotions that, for me, go strongly hand-in-hand with my exploded Badger. Nothing’s gone too deep into that area, but I thought it’d be good to shove in a head’s up for anyone who’s not up for that.
➢ Make friends that will nudge you to prioritize yourself. And if your exploding is largely focused on a community, having them be outside that community is helpful. My (Snake Primary) best friend is the greatest help in trying to head off an exploded Badger tailspin; she’s the one who will tell me that it’s okay if I don’t actually run myself ragged for everyone else, over and over again, when I need to be reminded. This is probably the #1 most helpful thing for me personally -- it’s so hard to hear past my own feelings that I should be doing more that it really takes the voice of someone else that I trust to give me that permission.
➢ Practice asking for help and setting boundaries in places where you can. If there’s any communities that manage not to hit that exploded Badger need in you as strongly -- maybe you’re more detached and not as invested in them, which is totally fine even if your primary sometimes argues about that -- or where what’s going on is unimportant enough that you can convince yourself it’s okay, try to practice there. My exploded Badger does not want me to say no or ask for assistance, even when it’s not a big deal; it’s easier to try to get used to it where it isn’t a big deal, before the important moments come around.
➢ This is not super helpful as a general statement, but without specifics it’s all I can say: try actively practicing and making time for self care. Since how that works is different for everyone, I can’t tell you how to deal with it, and god is it hard, but since so much of exploded Badger can be putting others over yourself, it’s also important to try and remember that you’re allowed to have things that will help you even if they’re not necessarily your active necessities. Time for you beyond obligations is important.
➢ A subset of the above, but work on giving yourself something that’s yours, specifically. I don’t know how universal this is but when my exploded Badger is at its loudest, I keep putting off thing I want to try -- hobbies, media, places to go, all of it -- because I’m waiting to not be doing it alone. Finally trying to get out of that mindset has felt weird and awkward and lonely at times, but has also done a lot of good already. Find solo projects and hobbies. Get into a show or a podcast no one else you know is into. Find a place that visually appeals to you and go on walks by yourself. It’s great to share things with people, it’s even fine if you share most things with people -- but try to get better at being okay with not sharing, too.
➢ This is another one that may or may not be a problem for you, but I also find when I get in that “do all things for others” place, it’s very easy for my opinions on anything, from the trivial to the important, to get easily steamrolled the second someone else speaks theirs, which I see as tied into that exploded Badger primary mindset. If that’s a problem for you: document how you think and feel about things. Publicly or privately. Babble into the abyss on tumblr as you watch a thing so that you don’t forget your opinion when someone else tells you theirs. Start a journal and write down your feelings on important issues before you find yourself ping-ponging around between others. Heck, start a journal and write down what foods you liked before you convince yourself you actually like something better the way someone else makes it. I’m not saying you’re writing these things in stone -- you are allowed to change your mind, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I find it hard to pull out of that urge to put other people first to the point where I feel like their opinions override mine. If you get that way too, writing it down, with reasons and details if you can, can at least help you see when you’re doing it and try to figure out whether your opinion is genuinely changing or you’d just shoved it aside.
➢ If the community you’re currently in isn’t entirely toxic, which is a different story altogether, remind yourself of things you love about your communities. That may sound counter-intuitive, but it’s a form of individualism -- trying to reshape the thought from “I’m here because I’m useful” to “I’m here because I like it”, and hopefully even “I’m here because I get this out of it”. It’s a way to remind yourself that it’s not supposed to be all one-sided. Also, I find that the exploded Badger mindset can sour me on places I do genuinely love when that isn’t ruling my brain, so it’s a way to try and pull out of that downslide.
➢ On the flip side, another possibility: take a break from your communities now and then to try and reset yourself. This obviously only works in some communities, and also only in ones that aren’t trying to push your exploded Badger, just ones where you find yourself exploding at them nonetheless. And mileage may vary depending on other things -- I actually try not to do this because my combo of executive dysfunction and anxiety means if I get out of the habit of keeping up with a community, it’s extremely difficult for me to jump back in. But if you don’t struggle with that, stepping back may help, both to disentangle yourself from that mindset and so that you can come back and see that they’ll be okay even if you’re not doing everything. Don’t isolate yourself completely, but if you find yourself getting deeply into exploded primary patterns in an area, it’s worth a try.
➢ Celebrate small victories. I’m sort of stealing this from this addition to my earlier unburning post, but it’s good advice in this situation, too. This stuff is hard. Even if you’re just trying to compensate or lessen the shouting and not fully reverse it right now, it’s hard. When you manage it, celebrate it. And if you can celebrate it with others who will encourage it, even better, for Badger in particular.
