how do poly people deal with anxiety? like more partners more problems right? idk that would literally kill me.
This is a REALLY great question that I enjoyed answering!! Short answer: Just like how monogamous people deal with anxiety, sometimes really well and sometimes very poorly. But I know that's not the answer you're looking for :p (The answer that I have to give is a whole lot longer than anticipated BTW so sorry for the wall of text!!! I wanted to be detailed because I have a lot of thoughts on this topic.)
Long answer: As @/polyamorousmood put it, being polyamorous expands your circus tent and multiplies your monkeys. With each added partner, you take on the responsibility of caring for them. However, it's really REALLY important to remember that, polyamorous or not, your partner(s)'s problems shouldn't be 100% your responsibility.
Let's say Angie and Greta are in a monogamous relationship. Greta has a problem! Maybe it's something small, like having a minor disagreement with a coworker. Angie can support Greta by being there for her to vent to, and giving her advice. This doesn't seem like too much of a strain, right? That's a problem that just one person can probably support, and no one becomes overloaded.
What if Greta has a bigger problem? Maybe she gets in an accident, which causes her to lose her mode of transportation and her job by extension. Now Greta needs a LOT of support. She needs rides around town; she needs financial support; she may need medical support; and she needs a shoulder to cry on. How difficult would it be for Angie to take on all of those roles at once? Like, REALLY hard. As Greta's partner, Angie is going to take on quite a bit of the load naturally, but ideally, she shouldn't be alone. Ideally, Greta should be engaging with other resources: friends, family, a therapist, a social worker, etc etc etc. Ideally, Angie should be mobilizing those same resources as well. "It takes a village" doesn't just apply to raising a child; in my opinion, it takes a village to provide support to anyone who needs it.
(Obviously not everyone has access to all the resources I mentioned above, but that conversation lies outside the scope of this ask.)
The same illustration can be expanded to include non-monogamous relationships too, and I don't mean that in the sense that "Well, if there are 5 people in the polycule, then problems can be spread across 5 whole people!" Because that doesn't really work either. 5 people means 5 people's worth of problems, and spreading that across just 5 people is basically equivalent to the monogamous situation of 2 people's problems spread across 2 people.
Also, it's a lot more common that in a polycule made up of 5 people, all 5 of them don't have equally close relationships with each other. A, B, C, D, and E make up the polycule, but person A is dating B, C, and D, while person B is dating person E. Or something like that. If each person spreads their problems equally across each of their partners, then person A ends up with a much higher ratio of problems than the others. If something like that happens, and person A doesn't respond by communicating their high stress level & setting thoughtful boundaries with their partners, then the relationship structure will fall apart.
Everyone has to be doing the work to ensure they aren't giving too much to one person, and everyone needs to communicate their boundaries.
There's no perfect formula like "Each of your partners should get a 20% share in your problems and the rest should be outsourced to a friend or therapist". Life is way more complex than that, even before considering the interwoven relationships in polyamory. Which leads me to my last and probably most significant point.
Every healthy relationship involves communication and boundaries!
How can you know that your partner is getting overloaded with your problems if they don't tell you? How can you make sure you don't overstep your partner's boundaries if you don't know where the boundaries are? And likewise: How will your partner know that you're stressed if you don't tell them? How will they avoid crossing your boundaries if you haven't set them?
If you do any reading on polyamory you'll hear this over and over and over again: "Communicate, communicate, communicate." And for good reason! Polyamory can be beautiful and fulfilling when it's healthy, but it can be messy and painful when it's toxic. And yes, this is the same as any monogamous relationship. BUT... there's a reason why folks say that polyamory is like relationships on "hard mode". More people, more moving parts, more potential for heartbreak.
That doesn't mean it can't be done. It just means that poly people have to be even more mindful of setting and maintaining boundaries than a typical monogamous couple.
I hope this answers your question and wasn't too intense of a response. Like I said... I have a lot of thoughts on this. Especially as someone who, when I was monogamous, made the mistake of leaning too hard on one person and ended up losing them. So many things that I've learned from polyamory apply just as well to monogamy and even non-amorous relationships too. I have a passion for talking about this stuff, even if I'm not perfect at implementing it 100% of the time. We try and sometimes we fail and that's okay! It's all about getting back up and trying again. Anyways. Ramble over lol.
