Oct 9, 2018
Torn
Inner emotions
Demand my violent anger.
I remain quiet.
-Alice
seen from India
seen from Poland
seen from Singapore
seen from Poland
seen from Germany
seen from Canada
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from Argentina
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from Jordan
seen from Georgia
seen from United States
seen from Philippines
seen from Japan
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
Torn
Inner emotions
Demand my violent anger.
I remain quiet.
-Alice
12AM Venting sesh
Why can't some demons just stay in the graves they dug for themselves? Why must they creep out of their hole and try to come back into the new, happy space you have created for yourself? When you worked so hard to pull yourself out of the dark place you were in, when you tried so hard to leave the past behind and smile and look forward to the future while appreciating the space you are in now. Why must these toxic, malicious, selfish people come back acting like the saint is of pure innocents? Can someone tell me why?
I have tried so hard to forget that past, to heal from it yet with a toxic ghost come the memories, the emotion, they all flash before my eyes and in my chest like a movie on repeat. I can feel the anxiety building, my throat hurts and it's becoming so hard to swallow or breathe without allowing that tear to roll down my cheek; because to me, that tear symbolizes weakness. That one tear shows me that I have given my power to her and she still rules superior with everyone on her side as she had it before. Does no one see the wrong she has done? This stupid, dumb, selfish witch of the person added to the pain I felt, she got everyone on her side so they cast me out. Not a single person stood by me until they saw her true colors and yet here they are welcoming her back with open arms as if she left for a vacation and had just returned.
Growing up, they teach you to be kind to others "Kill them with kindness", they say, "Forgive easy, life is short", but how do you forgive someone that betrayed you so bad that the pain is engraved in your mind and emotions 2 years later as if it happened yesterday? How do I stay in front of them and pretend like everything is okay when I just want to carry her by her clothes and kick her out the front door? Why can't she see that she isn't wanted and must stop desperately trying to involve herself in everyone's life and safe spaces? I honestly just wish everyone could open their eyes and she can go away.
I'm constantly torn between "You need to get skinny so you can be pretty!! God you're so gross,why can't you just change your skin." And "Fuck beauty standards. My weight doesn't change how good of a person I am. I am here in this body for a reason. I am healthy and I am kickass."
Wow...
I just realized I will never be anyone's Maid of Honor and my heart actually broke a little. I may not need girls in my life, but sometimes I feel like I miss out on things by being the way I am..
puSHING DAISES IS SOME SERIOUS HEARTBREAKIN SHIT I MEAN IT THE MAIN COUPLE, THEY LIKE LOVE EACHOTHER BUT CANT TOUCH EACHOTHER FOR SHITTY REASONS BUT THEY'RE SO CUTE TOGETHER AND UGH IT'LL HURT IN THE DEEPEST PART OF YOU
hot damn i deeply suspected this .....
It bothers me that my mum's boyfriend is a drug dealer. :/ but I won't do anything about it cause I've known him since I was super little and I know he cares about my mum and helps her out with money and stuff.. /torn
I cannot fight who I am anymore.
As some of you know, I've been trying to force myself to be straight. People at church keep telling me that it's a sin to be gay, and its destroyed the morals of marriage, ect. and I started believing them. So Ive been trying to make myself straight so I could be a good Christian or something.
But it gets harder and harder every single day to tell myself that I'm straight.
Sure, I like boys, emotionally, (sometimes.) but physically, ugh I just can't. I have to force myself to say when a guy is hot, but on the inside I'm shuddering in grossness.
But it's even more of a lie to say that I don't like girls. I LOVE girls, I love everything about them. Their bodys, personalities, everything. Especially Becky.
And like, I can't just make out with Becky and then be like "oh but im straight." It's total bullshit. But how am I supposed to come out after I went back in already? I feel like it'd be twice as horrifying the second time. Especially since my mom was SO PLEASED that I had decided to make myself straight. Anyways, I don't know what to do.
If any of you has any insight for me, I'd really appreciate it.
P.s. Sorry this post was really long.
