TheCASDiary

[thecasdiary]

It's okay if no one believes in me, I'll believe in myself.

-thecasdiary-

[thecasdiary]

There are certain bridges that are better burned... just let it burn.

[thecasdiary]

Bitch kindly fuck off!

-thecasdiary-

[thecasdiary]

12AM Venting sesh

Why can't some demons just stay in the graves they dug for themselves? Why must they creep out of their hole and try to come back into the new, happy space you have created for yourself? When you worked so hard to pull yourself out of the dark place you were in, when you tried so hard to leave the past behind and smile and look forward to the future while appreciating the space you are in now. Why must these toxic, malicious, selfish people come back acting like the saint is of pure innocents? Can someone tell me why?

I have tried so hard to forget that past, to heal from it yet with a toxic ghost come the memories, the emotion, they all flash before my eyes and in my chest like a movie on repeat. I can feel the anxiety building, my throat hurts and it's becoming so hard to swallow or breathe without allowing that tear to roll down my cheek; because to me, that tear symbolizes weakness. That one tear shows me that I have given my power to her and she still rules superior with everyone on her side as she had it before. Does no one see the wrong she has done? This stupid, dumb, selfish witch of the person added to the pain I felt, she got everyone on her side so they cast me out. Not a single person stood by me until they saw her true colors and yet here they are welcoming her back with open arms as if she left for a vacation and had just returned.

Growing up, they teach you to be kind to others "Kill them with kindness", they say, "Forgive easy, life is short", but how do you forgive someone that betrayed you so bad that the pain is engraved in your mind and emotions 2 years later as if it happened yesterday? How do I stay in front of them and pretend like everything is okay when I just want to carry her by her clothes and kick her out the front door? Why can't she see that she isn't wanted and must stop desperately trying to involve herself in everyone's life and safe spaces? I honestly just wish everyone could open their eyes and she can go away.

[thecasdiary]

Seeds sown in the mind blossom into life.

[thecasdiary]

Today I learnt that when a man truly loves you, he will put your happiness first because seeing you happy makes him happy.

[thecasdiary]

They say that you should learn one new thing every day, let's start tomorrow. This is going to be fun.

[thecasdiary]

How can silence be this loud?

[thecasdiary]

1:30AM thoughts

Some people say that night time is the quietest because the world is sleeping. I find night time to be the loudest time of day. Where your thoughts all battle it out for a chance to take centre stage. Amongst the howling of the wind, the barking from the dogs in the area and the cars (who have no regard for the Covid curfew) passing, my thoughts still find a way to be louder than all these things... to be heard. Do you ever lay awake sometimes at this part of the morning and just give in? Where you look at where your life is currently and have a pitty party because you're not happy with it and feel like a failure? Do you ever feel like you haven't done enough or accomplished enough at the age you're currently at? Especially from a financial point of view? I do. These are all the things that run through my mind at this time of the morning. But let's make it tomorrow's problem. Let's close our eyes before thoughts turn into stress that kicks in and gets the best of us. For when we wake up it will be a new day, a new start, a new chance to figure out how to change our situations (that we aren't happy with) around. Until then, goodnight everyone.

Lots of love...

[thecasdiary]

I come alive in the night time.

[thecasdiary]

Hello Everyone

I started this blog because I needed a place to vent. It's easy to feel alone in this big world full of people and we may not always have people to turn to or talk to. Most people use what you confide in them and use it against you, they judge you and label you. I have huge trust issues with the world. I don't want to be seen as a nag, a burden, someone who's always "gloomy and doomy" just because I am dealing with issues that many people are facing but choose not to speak about. I needed a place where I can speak my mind and be myself and not be judged for it... Who knows? Maybe someone will relate to my thoughts, both the good and the bad and it would make them feel better knowing they aren't alone and someone gets it.