Title: Unrest
Summary: Zelos had known for years that he tended to have fewer nightmares after a night spent with a hunny in his bed. It was only after meeting the well-meaning but clumsy Sylvaranti bumpkins and falling into a pattern of sharing inn rooms that he started realizing it had less to do with the sex and more to do with the…well, having someone nearby. Who he was reasonably sure wouldn't kill him. Or something. Zelos was very good at dealing with uncomfortable truths. Everything was fine.
Warnings: mention of minor self-harm, canon-typical Zelos self-loathing
Notes: Big thanks to the I Still Trust You discord server for always supporting and encouraging me. This started from a "there was only one bed" idea, but it uh...got away from me. It's only 1.4k words, but it veered wildly off topic. Read on AO3 here.
For the first time in his life, Zelos caught himself wishing it was a nightmare keeping him up. Bad dreams would be so much easier than this.
But no, until he'd had that thought, his mind had been totally clear of the phantoms of ice stained red and his mother's blood staining his hair, of the cold halls of his manor, of the frigid indifference of the other people who lived there.
(Aside from Sebastian, Zelos tried to remind himself, but the help wasn't the same as family. Couldn't be.)
He shifted onto his back and stared up at the wooden ceiling. His eyes traced the slant of the shadows until he would swear he could make out the woodgrain, but then his head twinged and he realized he was just…seeing things. The moonlight spilling in from the window didn't reach up, after all.
Seeing things. Patterns in the wavering of his tired eyes, angels and their judgement lurking in every shadow. Hope, in those idiots from Sylvarant and their naive, dogged determination to fix a world that had been gladly eating itself alive for millennia. Obviously, Zelos was just losing it.
A loud heartbeat of silence caught Zelos's attention, followed by a soft snuffle, and then a return to the cadence of breathing that Zelos now realized had become so normal that he'd been startled to hear it stop. Tucking an arm under his head, he looked to the side. Beyond the edge of the bed, he could still see Lloyd, lying on his bedroll on the floor. Zelos could make out the curve of his arm, brown skin bare as he slept in his underclothes rather than actual pajamas.
Zelos raised his free hand slowly, rubbing his chest through his nightshirt as if it could soothe the squirming sensation rising back up there. Stupid, he told himself. It was stupid. So what if Lloyd had offered him the bed because Zelos was his friend and not because Zelos was the revered Chosen. So what if Lloyd slept with a weapon close by but made sure it was his wooden sword ever since Zelos let something slip about the attempts on his life. So what if—
So what?
Maybe if Zelos even knew why he was so bothered, he could actually rest. Nightmares would be so much easier. A few tugs on his hair or pinches on his wrist to remind himself what was real, and he would eventually fall asleep again. But this…
Nothing was wrong.
Everything was fine.
Zelos was tired and reasonably sure he was safe, but he couldn't stop thinking about how that was kind of nice and about how Lloyd's sometimes-snores and steady breathing were soothing, and how he'd only ever avoided sleeping alone by having sex and that was so much effort that he woke up tired the next morning anyway, but he'd been rising with the sun all on his own and feeling rested ever since they made this inn a temporary base to get some training in and started these particular sleeping arrangements and—
Well. Zelos sure wasn't getting a restful eight hours tonight. So here he was, yet again, ruining a good thing just by being Zelos fucking Wilder. Typical.
He sighed, feeling his chest fall under his hand, and made sure his next breath came from his stomach instead. It wasn't going to matter, discovering that he slept better with someone else in the room, when he wasn't going to have anyone to fall asleep with in a few months anyway, he decided.
It didn't matter.
Everything was fine.
And so staying up late tangling his thoughts like yarn caught by a kitten wouldn't change anything. Zelos closed his eyes and breathed in, then out. He relaxed his hand where it had curled into a fist behind his head. In, then out. He was done wasting time when he could be sleeping soundly, for once. In, then out. He was starting to feel pleasantly heavy and was not thinking about the fact that his breaths were falling perfectly in sync with Lloyd's, easy to follow; easy to trust—
Damn it.
Zelos grit his teeth and did not open his eyes. What a joke. He was safe and comfortable, and so he couldn't sleep? What a pathetic excuse for a human being.
You should never have been born.
Zelos turned over again, away from the window and the moonlight spilling in. He relaxed his face one muscle at a time, brow, cheeks, jaw…
"Ze…" grumbled a voice from somewhere in front of him. Zelos held perfectly still. "Y'wake?"
Lloyd shifted in his bedroll, and the floorboards under him creaked slightly. Zelos didn't open his eyes to look, but he guessed Lloyd was turning to look towards him. "Zelos? Swear I heard…"
He didn't know what possessed him to speak up when he could so easily just pretend to be asleep, but without opening his eyes, Zelos found himself saying, "Everything's fine, bud. Go back to sleep."
"Mmkay," Lloyd said. Zelos heard him shift in his bedroll again. "Bad dream?"
Instead of answering, Zelos just focused on evening his breathing out again.
"Whatever i'is, we'll…work somethin' out," Lloyd continued. His voice was heavy with sleep, almost like he was drunk. Zelos fought down a smile. "Not sacrificing…an'one else."
The humor in Zelos's chest died, replaced again with that strange, squirming sensation in his chest. Lloyd really believed that. And Zelos was…just about ready to shrivel up with envy and die about it, honestly. How dare somebody so fervently good and fair and hopeful come into Zelos's life which was none of those things, and start flaunting them?
Which led to the treacherous thought of: Why couldn't someone like Lloyd have come along sooner? Soon enough, maybe, that Zelos's father never would have been forced into a marriage to breed like a stud horse; soon enough that Zelos's mother would have gotten her wish and Zelos would never have been born.
Or—an even more treacherous thought—soon enough that Zelos would have had enough hope left to believe in him?
"Go to sleep, Lloyd," Zelos said, bitterly.
"You go t'sleep," Lloyd shot back. Zelos had the distinct feeling that he thought he was winning an argument. He scoffed—or tried to, but it came out like a chuckle, and something in Zelos's chest cracked. That squirming feeling gave way to a warmth, one that reminded Zelos of the way his eyes and nose would burn preceding tears, back when he still cried over how unfair it all was.
Yeah, yeah, Zelos mouthed, but didn't say anything. He didn't move at all until he heard Lloyd's breathing even out and pick up that slight rasp that wasn't quite a snore. Only then did Zelos open his eyes.
Over the edge of the bed, he could just make out half of Lloyd's face, now turned towards him. His features were mostly lost in the shadow cast by Zelos's chest, but…Zelos could see enough to know that Lloyd wasn't totally relaxed, either. Like his promises and his fool's errand of a resolve had enough substance to weigh him down.
Zelos watched Lloyd's nose scrunch, and he wondered if this was what all that drama in Sebastian's romance novels was, about watching your partner sleep. If Lloyd were—
Before that thought could rip Zelos open so fast a hot knife would be jealous, he closed his eyes. Midnight's siren call to bad decisions was vicious. He knew that because he exploited it so often, and so he wouldn't fall victim to it.
Slowly to keep the bed from creaking, Zelos turned away. In the morning, everything would be real and clear again. Easy.
Everything would be fine.
Zelos wasn't going to be borne into slumber on the current of someone else's breathing; he wasn't going to manage a deep sleep the whole night reassured by someone else's presence; and he definitely wasn't going to wake up having turned back over, drawn like a moth to a flame.
He woke the next morning with his back to the window, a covered bowl of watermelon on the bedside table, and that warmth still feverish in his chest.
If it burned out the infection—the exhaustion rotting his soul—Zelos wondered what would be left. He wondered if he wanted to find out.
Tales of Symphonia Stray Thoughts #7: Pre-Tower of Salvation
Right, so, after leaving the Tower of Mana...
-ever notice how the party just ends up at Lake Umacy somehow
-actually how did all those trees/logs fall into the lake anyway
-"Wow! So there are still unicorns left on this side!"
...are they a frequent sight in Tethe'alla or something?
-The "Lloyd's Bad Habit" skit highlights one of those weird mean-spirited quirks I've discussed before; in this case, Lloyd getting bored with everything. I could buy an argument that it's meant to emphasize Lloyd's unpreparedness for the rigors of a world-saving journey (the post-Water Seal skit between Lloyd/Kratos -- wherein the latter reminds Lloyd of the task he willingly signed up for -- makes a great advocate here), but the "comedy" never lands and it just comes across as overly cynical. (Especially in silent dialogue, where stiff language abounds)
Thankfully, it only really plagues the first act, but Symphonia (or Tales, really) has a weird knack for character traits that're there just to check boxes and this one's easily my least favorite.
-you think sheena snuggles with corrine every night. imagine
-What's up with how the Undine cutscenes bookend with non-voiced dialogue? This game's priorities, man.
-"Mithos is a common boy's name. It's not necessarily Mithos the Hero."
Undine and Kratos: 😬
-Man, Fighting of the Spirit is such a badass boss theme, huh? It originally hails from Tales of Phantasia, right? I'd like to know the context behind that...
man I am sure am glad there's no one in the room right now
-"Right now, at this very moment, there are people who are suffering. I vow to save those people."
Undine: lol bitch I saw what you did with the Giant Kharlan Tree. Pact annulsted
-Raine: Kratos, you have an impressive display of knowledge.
Kratos: I had an acquaintance who knew a bit about Summon Spirits, that's all.
Raine: 🤔
-Sheena: ...although...I hated being a summoner.
Lloyd: Really?
*skit ends*
AWKWAAAAAAARRRRD
-Only "pure maidens" can approach the unicorn -- combined with Raine's "because I'm an adult" reasoning, some have taken this to mean she's not a virgin. Personally, I always thought that was just an excuse not to get near the water, but it's an interesting theory.
-...so the Unicorn Horn can just up and restore Colette back to normal? Geez, girl, think of yourself for once!
-Kratos called the Mana Cannon "Thor's Hammer" -- had history distorted the name? Actually, now I wonder how often it used back then. Must've been brutal.
-They're very few and far between, but I LOVE these moments where the party takes a moment to decompress and takes the opportunity to bounce off Lloyd as they face whatever comes next. The apprehension involved reveals them at their most intimate and the party really comes together in these scenes.
-"Tethe'alla's chosen. I can't stand that guy."
13-year old me wondered if we'd ever meet him. Little did I know...
-"I want to kick her for doing this."
Sacrilege!
-"Clinging to the Chosen?"
You know he's right, Lloyd. Even Kratos can see the Colloyd. Embrace it.
-"But hey, if I make a mistake, I can just do it over again, right?"
Oof.
-The Colloyd scene!!! 🥹🥹🥹
The debut of "No matter what happens to you, you're still you"! Her little smile at Lloyd's gentle "*I won't ever think you're weird. Ever"! The implied tragedy of "I'll wait forever"! The gradual despair of "Oh, that's right, you can't feel it..."!
Pure, undiluted Colloyd!! The trust and concern they share remains unparalleled!! It's just the sweetest thing AAAAHHH!!!!
Lloyd's ultimately still in the dark over the true nature of the World Regeneration, but as the gears have begun to churn since Colette's confession, the seeds of his ideology have well begun to sprout by this point. "Damn, isn't there anything we can do?!", he asks -- knowing that Sylvarant's well-being shouldn't depend on one girl sacrificing her humanity.
An age-old question -- should prosperity come at the cost of sacrificing the few? Lloyd, in all his infectious idealism, shatters that false ideal and makes the impossible possible. But you knew that.
There's a whole essay in how Colette romanticizes her ultimate fate --like how she's lying to herself as much as she's lying to others. Maybe there's some family history at play -- could Phaidra have done the same with her sister? Dark stuff, that ol' religious trauma.
(...actually, speaking of "even if you become like Marble, can you imagine the visual of Colette turning into an Exbeula and Lloyd just treating her like normal? Imagine -- her rage tempers at the sight of recognizing Lloyd and she just lives life as is. Be it a tragic beauty or absurdist/wholesome hiijinks, there's a whole fic there!)
-Dose sleeping poses in the inn. Oh my god -- I never stopped to notice. Look at how Lloyd's just sprawed out on that mat! Raine and Genis are sleeping on the floor! What kinda hotel service is this?!? They should've complained.
-One of the rare scenes where Noishe is voiced!
-"I imagine it's that assassin."
...okay, Kratos, we gleaned that, but who? Translation flub, or...?
-Yuan's ring is relevant! ...for like one line of dialogue. Mmkay. Much to say about that sidequest later.
The first act ends soon!!! Finally, it's here where Symphonia really comes into its own.
Now that I got Fluri, Im still missing Mikleo for Sorey. Tear for Luke, Colette for Lloyd and Alisha for Rose, though I hope there will be an SSR Rose soon.
I just got an SSR, Valentines Leia. I needed a water char, I just wish it was a healer.
I'm pretty sure someone has posted this concept before, but are there any fics out there for Tales of Symphonia where Lloyd experiences getting the same symptoms at the same time as Collete when she turns into an angel?
I've read fics before where it happens post game/post his crystal evolving. And very few where it happens after Colette, like I think second or third shrine. I remember reading some fics like this that I think ffn got rid of during one of their many purge cycles as I have yet to really *find* any like these. Maybe AO3 has some, but I think the one I did accidentally find was abandoned...
