I quit fandom. (Warning: Long, Vulnerable Post Inbound)
In case you missed why, well, here you go. (Did I mention I started collecting doujinshi here? If not, well, whoops.) To reiterate, I don't know if this is a permanent thing or not -- it could be months, could be a year, could be forever. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired of setting boundaries, I'm tired of stepping on toes when I don't mean to, and I'm tired of routinely being dealt a bad hand time and again when I've done absolutely nothing but try to share my love over properties I love with their respective communities. "Well, gosh, it's not like you could've known doujinshi artists prohibit secondhand sales of their works with how pervasive the used market is -- we're talking about a foreign community here. Don't take this so personally." Look, I'll agree on that first point -- in retrospect, I'm not surprised this taboo isn't heeded with how often doujins are uploaded and translated without the artists' consent, let alone acknowledged -- but at the same time, I cannot tell you how much it fucking sucks doing my best to follow doujin etiquette -- I took special care not to publicly share any content and bought new copies straight from the artists whenever possible -- only to slip up and get blocked by my favorite pairing's most prominent Japanese artist after tagging them with my latest haul. (What, did I give off the impression of "hey, here's copies of your work I bought that'll you never see a dime for!"?)
I mean, geez, so much for a new hobby, right? What do you even do after that? Forget facing their works on pixiv without immeasurable guilt weighing on my conscience -- I'd already set up boxes in my closet for preservation. I'd put aside time daily for private translations. I'd invested a pretty penny in what's, by Western standards, an expensive hobby. And now I'm suddenly expected to stop? That my love for artists' work is detrimental, for reasons completely unknown to an English-speaking audience? Do I do what's right and respect their wishes, or do I double-down and continue privately collecting used doujinshi anyway?
How can I not take it personally, when I already take strict measures to hide my fandom persona, and yet I am denied even the opportunity to share this much? It was only for a half a year, but I loved sharing my collection with the community. I recognize how selfish this may sound when considering the artists here -- and I'm not about to begrudge any one individual for what boundaries they set with others online -- but it just feels unfair. I never meant any harm.
If there's one thing fandom has exhausted me more than anything else, it's how I'm repeatedly expected to heed unspoken rules -- personal feelings and consequences be damned. How many times do I have to relitigate that infamous fic exchange -- a shockingly negligent display of cruelty, with inevitable consequences met with zero self-reflection or humility from a moderator who decided my disappointment wasn't their responsibility. Ancient history, you may say, yet when faced with said mod's eventual meltdown -- and let me be upfront and say I was not surprised with their eventual fall from grace -- I cannot help but lean back into the gradual, sobering realization that the Felannie community has, alas, proven unwelcoming.
Apples and oranges, you may say -- again, I know it's not fair to compare the boundaries and expectations of shared fandoms across cultures -- and yet, again and again does this keeps happening. It's one thing, as another moderator told me, to maintain realistic expectations towards your fics' reception -- and yet, when Discord servers repeatedly write off my fics with emojis, when I'm expected to simply deal with absent recipients after wasting two months writing them a gift fic, when moderators shrug and routinely refuse to lift a finger over users' problems (or, worse, start problems with me), when not-so-secret gossip and corrosive habits bubble underneath the surface, when I feel unappreciated and constantly question my worth as a writer -- what other conclusion am I supposed to draw?
Really, it's all just exhausting. And, quite simply, I've had enough.
Thing is, I haven't touched any Three Houses fics in months, so I was likely fading from that fandom anyway -- it's telling I couldn't muster to read neither of the fic exchanges from earlier this year. (and boy, don't get me started on why there were likely two -- what, we're dividing into factions over a pairing? Screw that.) That's what happens in any fandom, you know? People just naturally move on to different things: some join new fandoms, others pursue separate outlets for their writing (or different creative avenues altogether), or just move on with their lives.
Three Houses may well have been just a pit stop for me, and I don't begrudge myself for that.
No, I only regret things ended the way they did. To say I regret joining fandom would be folly -- I've made precious friends and unforgettable memories, with works I'm proud of -- but ultimately, I have to ask myself: am I really going to keep minimizing myself in fandom, a space meant for open expression, every time something goes wrong? Am I going to mentally replay fallout after fallout, argument after argument, in hapless attempts to rewrite history to what could've been? Whatever what wrong, the fact is Three Houses/Felannie fandom has proven an unhealthy venture, and it's high time I stop feeling sorry for myself, cut my losses and move on to bigger and greater things.
...which, on the bright side, is already underway! As it happens, I've already signed on to write for a games media outlet again, and it's shaping up to be my busiest journo position yet. As always, I won't get into the deets here, but I can say I've got that fire burning in my belly again, and I can't wait to start clacking on my keyboard. Perfect timing with Switch 2 just around the corner too, huh?
It's interesting: back when I joined fandom, I thought I'd put that life behind me, having grown disillusioned with the lack of borne fruit, and yet now I feel like I've come home. Funny how that works, eh? The human condition is truly an enigma.
...well, then again, I can't exactly laugh it off considering how the games media space is facing existential crises of its own, but the point is: it's not an impossibility I'll grace fandom with my absurdism/tooth-rotting fluff again. Just, well, keep an open mind if I don't. I guess you could say my real regret is that I never got that Pookie the Library Cat fic off the ground, heh. I'm just as sad as you are about that. Really. Some funny stuff there.
At any rate, I'll see you around. Hit me up on Discord if you're able.
Adios, Three Houses.
