#toxic gender

[mogai-germ]

Toxcloufrogic

a gender related to toxic/acidic clouds and frogs.

(tawks-klow-frawg-ik)

flag by @orxngecrxsh , term by me!

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[thetraumafairydidit]

So I can’t face everything that’s wrong with my identity right now. I did a lot of terrible things to myself and in order to do those things I had to disconnect from myself. I broke my brain trying to reshape my identity in unhealthy ways. I don’t really know what that means.

I guess practically it means I can’t remember certain events with a cohesive sense of self and trying to think about those things now breaks me apart or reveals that I have always been broken.

I don’t even know how to understand that experience. I can’t name it. So I think I should focus on my issues with gender. It’s a painful part of my identity as well but it’s not a traumatic memory. I’m hoping I can untangle it without having to think about what happened too much because it hurts too much.

My relationship with gender is complicated and painful. When I was a young child I had to be masculine to escape bullying. When I entered puberty (early) my mother tried to make me act more feminine and encouraged an obsession with making myself sexually appealing to men. I tried to be what she wanted but when I was bullied more I returned to toxic masculinity. I never had a chance to want to be anything; it was all pushed on me. I can’t escape one by running to the other.

I was only ever shown toxic sides of masculinity and femininity. My mother was obsessed with being a traditional woman who devoted her life to raising kids. That in and of itself isn’t bad but she hurt everyone to get what she wanted; including herself. She made herself into a marter and then hated us for not worshiping her.

My father was a violent man who never felt like he was man enough. He controlled us through violence or threats of it. To him that was strength and authority. Might made right. Always. He made those things a part of me.

I never had good role models for gender and I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable conforming to gender norms either way. So my plan is to take a look at gnc women and men for a start to look at people doing gender a little differently. Maybe I can learn something from them. And maybe once I get my footing I’ll expand my search into other genders as well but right now I feel pretty overwhelmed.