#transgender passing

[heyimmichael]

Passing. It’s a difficult thing for some people, and most don’t have to deal with it. Sometimes you pass, then somebody “corrects” the person who assumed you were your gender… Damn it.

[takoluka39]

Yesterday is dead and over

I just got a message from my bestie that management at work has given me the ok to use the women's restroom. I'm so happy. It's a huge hurdle to people seeing me as a woman. I'll probably have to deal with some more explainations, especially with maintainence staff. But I am glad that I can now use my correct restroom. Since I only use the women's restroom when I'm not at work, it makes sense that I shouldn't have to use the opposite restroom at work. I am glad to say that I will hopefully never have to use the men's room again. Nothing wrong with guys, it was always just weird for me to do my business in the same room with them. Now I don't have to do my hair & fix makeup in the backroom either, which was a little awkward. I feel safer to do more full makeup now too, since I won't have to worry about looking like a girl in the guy's room (which I already did).

[takoluka39]

I'm exhausted

I'm an introvert. Making my personal business the main focus of the day is emotionally draining for me.

Today was the first full day with my new name tag. Some people had questions of course. My bestie really was great- she took some of the weight off my shoulders by explaining things simply "she's Erin" to people when we were both present. It was nice to have her say it for me. I am just so emotionally exhausted from having to talk about it so much. It's really great- I mean I have had zero negativity at this point, for which I am truly grateful. Even people who I might have thought were less open minded have been totally on board.

I spent 35 minutes in the office discussing things with the assistant manager. My bestie was there for my protection (according to HR, so I don't feel pressured), and emotional support. She was the first one I ever told I was bisexual, and she she was the first one who I told that I always wished I was a girl. It's funny I remember the exact moment I told her- we were zoning the shoes together. Funny the things that stick in your head.

Anyway, so my long discussion with the manager was good but also emotionally tiring. He is a nice guy and he was trying to be supportive, but his main concern was people freaking out when I start using the women's restrooms. At this point I look neutral enough that I'm passable when I'm out and about in public, but it's different at work cause everyone knew me as a guy before. He had some I feel odd ideas about having to have a diversity meeting or something to get people on board. I am so tired of it being a big deal. But it's a necessary step. Eventually it will be in the past. It's just my sensitive introvert brain is having trouble dealing with being he center of attention so much.

The manager came back to me later in the day, and said he had discussed the matter with the new store manager. Basically the store manager told him that we need to have a manager meeting and get things moving quickly because it's important to be supportive. I really liked hearing that.

On lunch break my bestie took me makeup shopping. I ended up spending $35 on eye makeup, blush, lip liner, and lipstick. At that point I was already feeling burned out, but she was being so sweet and supportive, and I know it's part of the process so I went for it. I have wanted to learn how to do more full makeup to look more feminine. I feel like I look pretty neutral right now with just the foundation, but once she put lipstick on me I definitely got more female pronouns the second half of my shift. And more associates asked questions because of the combination of the new name and the lipstick. Most people got it and were supportive, a couple didn't really understand, but nobody was really rude so that was nice. Even the one coworker who previously laughed at my nails and bracelets said nothing about the lipstick so that was nice.

The manager said that one of the things for me to be able to use the women's restroom would be more full makeup. I kind of bristled at that cause I know the law is about identity, not about how feminine I look. But I get where he's coming from. He is just trying to avoid conflict.

I just want a day where I can take a break from being trans. I don't want to stop being me- I don't want to use my dead name- I don't want to go back in the closet ever again. I just wish I can have a day where I can take a break from being this thing that needs to be explained.

I am so eternally grateful to my amazing work family. Without their love and support I would never have come out or transitioned. I'd still be living the lie if not for them. They are truly the greatest. Their acceptance has given me a chance to finally be me. It's still such a shock to have so many friends. Even my mom keeps commenting on the fact that I have so many friends now. When I was growing up I barely had any friends. I am grateful for every single one of them. But there is a part of me that is still that introvert. Social interaction is still very draining to me. But it comes easier to me now than it ever did before.

For now I'll stay holed up in my room with my headphones on, listening to Ryan Adams's 1989 cover album on my new record player.

[takoluka39]

So my friend sent me a trans bathroom horror story yesterday.  It took place at a Walmart somewhere.  Basically the woman was just trying to pee and people started harassing her.  They called manager, and started following her around the store.  This is why passing is such a huge deal.  It shouldn’t have to be, but there are so many small minded people in the world.  Just a reminder that I’m going to have to be extremely tough to deal with everything that’s bound to happen when I flip the switch with management at work.

[activist-s-attic-blog]

"You can't fail at passing because transitioning isn't a test." ~ Unknown Author