#transition record

[nb-microdosing-testosterone]

Hello. First dose! Yay!

As per title, I am micro-dosing testosterone.

.5ml, intramuscular, one dose per two weeks. ~23 years old at first dose.

(Also partially in the closet, so I will also keep tabs on how long I can get away with this before people start realizing something’s up.)

The shot:

Originally, I imagined I’d use the patch or gel. Then, the doctor told me those options were $600.

Needle it is.

First dose was much harder than I thought it’d be. I kept aggressively tapping the syringe because I was scared of air bubbles. Although the doctors prepared me and gave me a pamphlet, I found a video tutorial helpful. I sat there for at least 20 minutes holding the ready syringe trying to encourage myself to do it. The needle was much longer than I expected. It was very intimidating. I really considered backing out. In that moment, I wished I had an ally to do this for me. I felt like I couldn’t do it. It was so scary. In the end, I told myself that this medicine was too hard to get, and I couldn’t let it go to waste. Good thing my family isn’t observant, because someone could probably hear me panicking through the door if they listened.

Working up the courage was the hardest part. The shot itself turned out to be not so bad. In my opinion, it did not feel as bad as getting a vaccine. It was so simple it made all the apprehension feel silly. I took off my gloves and realized how nervous I really was when I saw the insides covered in sweat. I’m not even someone who gets sweaty hands. I should really be proud of myself for powering through that. I think the next shot will be easier.

Effects:

The next day I noticed a breakout of hormonal acne around my jaw, and….earlobes??? I expected testosterone to give me acne, but not so quick. I am very acne-prone. My skin care routine is immaculate. I found whiteheads around my jaw and saw more as the day progressed. You could argue that this breakout was caused by other factors, like stress, but I feel it was at least aided by testosterone as whiteheads are not a type of acne I usually get (Also, I didn’t get acne on my earlobes what the fu-.)

I battled- that’s an understatement- was at war with acne during my teens. I saw various skin professionals and used various medications. I expect this “transition journey” to be accompanied with revisiting this old nemesis.

Edit: 20 hours after posting this. Noticed new acne on my upper lip.

[sahiya1half]

CW: Mention of breasts, sexual feelings, physical sensation 

It has now been a year and a month taking estrogen and spiro to transition! The first two pictures where taken on 6/26/17 and the last two from 7/01/18! (Laughing at how unintentionally serious I look in the more recent pics!)

What has happened in this year? Well. . .

I went from rough, oily, acne prone skin to having incredibly soft, sensitive skin that almost never has acne. I’m somewhat more prone to having dry skin in the winter it seemed.

I have overall gained smoother features which I understand to be because estrogen causes the body to have more fat deposits beneath the skin, which makes everything smoother and softer typically.

I went from no breasts to having tiny ones. I can actually cup them with my hands and get a handful! I’m about halfway filling an A-cup bra. Not a lot, but it makes me very happy! It probably seems absurd, but having breasts is such and amazing feeling! Well, at least until I’ve been wearing a bra all day lol. Also breast development, at least for me, meant my nipples being completely re engineered in terms of sensitivity. Previously they were pretty meaningless tbh.

I went from living in a body that felt separate from me like some kind of mech suit in which I was a mere pilot, to having a body that increasingly feels like an extension of my being. I feel with and in my body a lot if that makes sense. My emotions aren’t just echoing around in parts of me but resonating in my entirety. This is a bit abstract and might not make sense. 

Emotionally I am more sensitive, which makes me a little more anxious socially unfortunately, but contrastingly my stronger sense of self has made me more sure of myself and my opinions. Some of that is of course just from being myself. Honesty is such an emotionally strengthening behavior and is severely underrated.

Estrogen doesn’t change how you feel or think, but it changes the connection to those feelings. I think it has significantly deepened my connection to my mind and body. There is an increasing feeling of rightness internally. It’s like I used to have two contrasting images of myself and increasingly they are merging as one.

Transition is less a transformation of the self as it is a deepening of self. It’s easy from the outside to think I am becoming someone else, but that is because I have stopped maintaining the facade that was mistaken for me.

And now we get to a part that is a bit tmi, so be forewarned! 

Sexually I feel a very different emphasis on certain feelings. Desire and attraction feel different to me than before. It’s less wanting someone and more being in awe of them I suppose? Less wanting to touch and more wanting to be touched. I have less frequent sexual desires it seems, but when I fantasize I have a more vivid emotional sensory experience, and when I have solo sexual experiences, they are way, way, way more physically intense. Part of the change is because I am being truly myself for the first time.

[sahiya1half]

Photographed on 07/17/17 but posted now because of technical problems (I kid you not, this the 3rd time I’ve written this and I’m kinda pissed that tumblr keeps eating my posts)

It has now been 2 months since I started estradiol (estrogen) and 3 months since I started spironolactone (testosterone blocker).

As with the previous photos and future ones, I am wearing minimal make up, just light foundation and/or concealer in order to clearly show the physical changes. I plan to add some photos that show my body, so that I may record that as well. Not much has changed, perhaps a little more fullness in the face and continued softening of skin, but that’s all. There are two things that stand out, in a literal sense. Breasts! They are really only budding right now and are minuscule but they have more defined shape to them. They have become increasingly tender and ache randomly, though not as bad as what I’ve heard others report (yet). Bras at this point are are both shape wear and armor against the world. . . and my shirt. Ouch! Emotionally I feel a subtle difference. I feel somewhat more sensitive, my heart feels more open, and I have gained a clarity of perception in regards to my feelings. I’m sure that feeling more at home in my body has contributed to this as well. Less dysphoria and repression clouding my mind. Next months I see my endocrinologist and I’ll probably be able to give an update on what level my hormones are at and whether my dosage is increased.

[sahiya1half]

These are super overdue, but here we are! These are from approximately 8/16/17 This time I wanted to record shots of the rest of my body to show it’ll change too. I wish I had shots of my body pre-transition, but I so rarely took pictures of myself back then. 

So, what has changed? My bust is unsurprisingly still only budding (it takes years for them to develop after all), but they seem to have grown maybe a 1/4 inch? I ought to be measuring to be sure, but regardless they have a little more prominence. My butt seems fuller and more pronounced as well.

Emotionally, I feel more depth, more sincerity and more connection. Do I feel more like a woman? That is a vague question at best, I’m not even sure what that means. Of course my answer is yes, but a more meaningful answer is I feel more like a human being. Emotionally and mentally, I feel like I exist as a 3 dimensional entity rather than the flat caricature I used to be.