#trauma chronicles

[prestigiouspea]

Man no one tells you that unlocking sexual trauma doesn't necessarily happen just by stretching or delving into thinking about the time period. More under the cut. ik this is sensitive for some ppl so TW for the slow unveiling of sexual trauma.. and also I'm gonna talk about jerking it so there's that too

I've been trying to focus on the physical sensations aspect of jerking it instead of just something I find attractive and yesterday I went absolutely ham and it was good(with the help of Dionysus) but then the image of my mom's ex who we lived with kept popping into my head and when I thought about it I felt .. not good. Idk why I didn't think that a god who rules over fertility and insanity among other things wouldn't involve unlocking sexual trauma but here we are.. also I'm doing yoga and my hips are super fucking tight so we know what that means(it means I have stored trauma there and I am in for a lot)

[restingbitchlifestyle]

As I get older I appreciate my scars more. They're nothing to hide. They continue healing long after the wound is healed.

[restingbitchlifestyle]

In my desperation for finding help or treatment or information or anything for my health issues I realize that I don’t know how to determine if I am well. How will I know that I am better? What does better look like? What does wellness look like? I watched this youtube video https://youtu.be/63xG06EIlQQ The subtitles are lacking, but she makes a very good point about what a positive person’s life looks like. So many people into the “bright sided” positivity thing promote the idea that happiness and comfort is 24/7 and if you aren’t a middle class person laughing while eating salad you’re not being positive enough. Real positivity isn’t about your situation so much as it is about your state of mind. When shit happens it’s about responding from an internal space of positivity rather than laughing and eating salad while the world burns down. She doesn’t say exactly that in the youtube video, but that’s what I got from the video. 

So what does my wellness look like? I want to be able to have a party at my house. Maybe a dinner party, maybe a big party, I don’t know but I want to be able to invite people that I love over to spend time hanging out and serve them delicious food on the beautiful cobalt blue glassware that David left me. I want to stop taking pain pills. I want to be able to leave the house and go for a jog and hike and watch the sunrise and sunset. I want to be part of a community of artists and be a part of the greater art scene. I want to have friends and communities all over the world that I can go visit and invite here. I want to feel ok about existing as a human being in this plane of existence and not feel like I have to constantly apologize for having a physical form in time and space. I want to have such a strong and supportive community that I can forget the pain of my family estrangement. I want to be able to just leave the house and go where I want and not worry about anything.  

[restingbitchlifestyle]

Wow disturbing nightmare about my father. 5am wake up in a panic! WTF brain now we’re having trauma mashup dreams? Please can we not? I was in India at an ashram but it looked like where I grew up. An old boyfriend from high school threatened to kill me because I declined something probably sex but I don’t remember.(same guy that left a "love" talisman in my bed) It took some explaining to security staff at this ashram that looked like the house I grew up in but they finally agreed that I was in danger and needed to go into hiding. They wanted to send me to Madurai for safety and I had to pack quickly before the dude came back. He came back before I could finish so the security guy went to talk to him and I hid in my parents bedroom.