#trigger trich

[mouseyfox]

I’m having so much anxiety over this godforsaken German course, and I’m having to spend a LOT of energy on NOT pulling out my thrice-damned hair. I’m having those ‘would it just be easier if I shaved it all off?’ moments. It won’t, of course, cause then I’ll just pluck out my body hair, but it’s a deceptively tempting short-term fix.

[mouseyfox]

So it's been almost a full two months of me taking n-acetylcysteine for my trich, and it's been really working. More about it and my experience with trichotillomania under the cut.

I've been pulling out my hair since the second grade. It used to be really really bad. I'd pull out whole chunks and sections, sometimes just work at one spot hair by hair until I'd develop bald patches or very thin patches of what used to be very thick hair. My mom and dad didn't know what to do, I didn't know why I was doing it just that I was, and it caused a lot of tears and frustration in my family for a long time.

I'd go through periods of not pulling at all, and then suddenly it would return just as bad or worse than before. I'd wear bandannas, scarves pinned like bandannas, and my hair artfully braided in the attempts that would keep me from pulling out my hair. It'd work... a little, but it was never a permanent solution. 

What made things worse was that my hair has always been the selling point of things I'd get complimented on as a child and still later on in life. my hair is one thing that is constantly talked about in terms of my appearance. Getting complimented on my hair, while nice, has been a very large trigger for me for quite some time. It brings to mind arguments and screaming matches from when I was younger when my parents were trying to figure out why I was pulling out my hair. Don't get me wrong, I have always agreed that my hair is beautiful. I really do love my hair, and that has nothing to do with why I pull it out. I honestly can't pinpoint the reason and for a long time that was a major depressing point for me.

For years now I've been working on behavior therapy, keeping logs about when I pull out my hair, and what triggers my pulling and my skin picking. I've worked on controlling these behaviors, on making sure that I don't put myself in situations where I will pull my hair, and on keeping things I can fidget with or distract myself with so that I don't pull out my hair or pick at my skin. I've even made sure that my friends are aware of the issue so that if they see me picking or pulling they can call me out on the behavior because sometimes I just don't even notice that I'm doing it.

Things have gotten MUCH better since second grade, and my pulling has all but stopped since I've started taking NAC (n-acetylcysteine), and I don't regret it for an instant. Now if I can just keep this good thing going, keep a careful watch on my behaviors and get myself to a psychiatrist so I can be properly tested maybe we can figure out the other things that are going on with me because this mental illness was much more easily spotted than some of the other things that don't have such visible physical affects. 

((Though I should get myself some more fidget toys that I can wear, like rings that move and have cogs and such. Those are on my long term wish list.))