#trigger warning funeral

[a--soliloquy]

life goal: live so exceptionally that when they play “she’s a genius” at my funeral, it won’t be a farce

[a-lil-bit-oooo-jessica]

If you choose to read this please be aware it will mention how my aunt looked in her coffin. It is not a nice description. I just need to tell someone. 

My aunt's funeral was today. I didn't cry; I was very devastated by her death but she had been sick for years so I guess I made peace with her passing sometime when she was admitted to the hospital last year.  

I was more upset that she had an open casket. The last time I saw my aunt alive she wasn't conscious, her body was bloated and her face was scratched up really bad. I love my aunt but her appearance scared me. I did not go see her face up close at the funeral because even from several feet away I saw everything was just terrible. It was all terrible. Nobody told me the casket would be open and her face was so swollen and not her. That wasn't my aunt. It was terrible. The only good thing is that she's finally resting, finally has no more pain, because I remember her saying her entire body stung. I don't believe in heaven or an afterlife but I know my aunt is finally comfortable. 

After I caught a glimpse of my aunt I basically jogged past the coffin without looking at her and sat with the rest of my family. I think I had a panic attack because my breathing was weird and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. But I didn't cry and I still feel really odd about it. 

Thank you for your sympathies (the folks who messaged me and junk) and thank you even if you didn't say anything just because I appreciate you too. I'm sorry if this triggers anyone.