And Now, a True Story From Junior High
Yes this happened. To me.
While the topic of awkward questions is up, I thought this might be funny. It's OK -- laugh!
In Jr High (a long while ago, I am a {ahem} grownup over 29) I heard the word "rubber" tossed around school, and had read the word "condom" in a novel by a favorite author, not in a sex scene, totally out of context. (an old lady received hate mail of "a used condom.")
I had some idea "rubber" was connected to sex but no clue the two words were the same thing. OR what one looked like.
My mother was never forthcoming about anything to do with Boy Parts. As I had no idea what "condom" meant OR that it was a sexually connected term, I just asked her "Mom what is a condom."
"Why do you want to know." Eyebrows run together. Oh crap. what.
**JUDGMENTAL STARE** "WHAT KIND OF BOOKS ARE YOU READING?!!!"
Me: O______O "uh..... um..... nothing??"
.... I was so mortified and ashamed and still non-educated that I returned the book to the library :-( unfinished and horrified feeling IT MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY BAD.
OK that part of this story isn't funny. Not really.
Having enough 13-yr old wisdom to pick up that "rubber" had something to do with sex and clearly, we do not ask the Mom in MY house anything at all about sex, FINALLY one day I whispered to someone I thought maybe I could trust: "what's a rubber?"
"It's for birth control" **WITH DISDAIN, LIKE DUH YOU MORON
"The guy puts in on his d*ck."
You know, that knowing, head-nodding "OOooohhHHHhh" like "Gotcha" but really you are just as confused as you were before? yeah. THAT "Oh."
OK tumblr-friends, at that time in my naive life, the only thing I'd seen made out of rubber was a dodge ball. You know, that red, heavy nasty thing I got hit in the %@#& face with 850000000 times by 4th grade.
As I felt humiliated enough for my ignorance ... I wasn't about to ask any more questions!!!
But my poor puzzled brain. MY POOR BRAIN.
My brain painted me such a mental picture I am not sure I could even doodle out for you if I tried. I imagined something like.... men's briefs in the front only shaped you know to somehow fit over his thing, ONLY MADE OF RED RUBBER LIKE THE FOUR-SQUARE BALLS AT RECESS and it's got to stay on somehow so it MUST have some sort of buckle-like strap contraptions wrapping belt-like all the way around the back.
I swear to you not even a Pro Wrestler could come up with the bizarre horrible contraption far more uncomfortable than a medieval chastity belt which formed its image in my head. AND STAYED THERE AND STAYED THERE BECAUSE I WAS NOT GOING TO FIND OUT BY ASKING ANY OTHER HUMAN SOUL TO DEBUNK THIS MYSTERY AND RISK EVEN MORE MORTIFYING HUMILIATION AND EMBARRASSMENT.
Well.... no wonder it sounded like nobody wanted to wear them!!!!
This is why NOW, AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE, if I have a derpy question and I'm totally not getting something ****which HAPPENS A LOT*** ---
Because holy cow that mental nightmare stuck with me all the way to college.....
and this is one of my favorite embarrassing stories to tell about myself.
