tw - themes of murder , thoughts of su!cide
this is just a little deviation from amber-canon , her involvement in the secret history doesn't even lead her into the main plot but i thought it'd be fun to think of how she'd behave if in that situation . to all you canon sticklers don't be mad , she's just a girl and this is just ideas . to help with following along i wrote a little list of the traits i believe amber would have pre-hampden just for some consistency !
- jealous
- complacent
- optimistic
- nieve
- logical
i think she'd be very quiet in classes at first , something about each of their classmates makes her uncomfortable . she does the work at rather an average , doesn't contribute in class for fear of being wrong . she does eventually though , i like to think she'd have to spark a friendship with one of the others first - perhaps bunny or camila . amber would be much more comfortable after that ; perhaps feeling like this is her opportunity to prove herself , that she is worthy of being there .
being involved in exclusivity would subdue the jealousy she'd felt for most of her life , she'd be much less angry at the world and much more subdued . it'd be the first time in her life amber had felt a sense of inclusivity , like she had people to just , exist with . instead of being jealous of each member of the class , she'd admire them , wordless respect .
i believe she'd struggle after the bacchanal ( yes i'm convinced she'd be a part , see point complacent (( if someone she associates with / sees as a friend tells her an idea she's almost bound to agree )) but yes she'd struggle . she resists the urge to leave , go home . amber wouldn't , fear of the word home among a refusal to demonstrate cowardice . she's on edge constantly , doesn't go outside unless she has good reason , it makes her physically sick more often than not . she found her usual optimism drained , everything that she loved about life was enough to make her hate it . she's not proud of herself but she makes it through . that she tells herself it'll pass .
when the death of bunny is approached as a topic , she doesn't actively contest it . she justifies it as logical - a him or us situation . she thinks about su!cide , the idea that she could just get out of it but that too , feels cowardly . tells herself that bunny is the obstacle stopping her from a good year . but of course she feels guilty even to consider it: it felt like there was a distinct line between the manslaughter of an unknown farmer and the murder of someone she considered a friend . she lets it happen , lets the event pass and the guilt come later .
it's like everyone's fine after - from amber's skewed perception anyways . she cries about it a lot , not just sadness for a death , but guilt too . it makes her feel unclean . she sleeps for a day at a time , late assignments and poor eating habits and she's constantly ill . she knows she's cracking , that complacence and "it'll pass" has lead her to something she cannot pass . days pass without her leaving her dorm , and it's like she's 19 again - stuck in her bedroom . but there's no mother to stop her from leaving . but there's guilt in the weight of the door-handle in her palm .
julian leaves and why would she stay in classes after that ? she's ready to leave even moreso now , to cut her losses pack her bags and go to sleep in the silence of her childhood bedroom . and then henry shoots himself and richard's been shot and god why even try ? she doesn't say her goodbyes , not to any of the mismatches friends that she'd bonded with over something so terrible .
she returns to reclucivity , the books in her room and the knowledge of the world she experienced . she sleeps in her childhood bed for days at a time , she drinks when she feels like it and eat when she remembers . it's not a life really , but she lead herself there .