amber and jealousy , because apparently one rambling wasn't enough today
it starts young , with her sisters . olive and violet , close in age looks and personality . they'd talk to and from school , over the dinner table , freely with shanon (mother) . they have everything she doesn't and it eats away at her , she feels it burn beneath her skin as she cuts into her dinner . silent as always .
olive and violet grow up before she does , they graduate and begin families , they don't live at home anymore . amber is jealous of that too . she spends her days with math she doesn't understand , writing on books she's already read . her sisters have grown past that , they're unaware of the silence they've left behind in exchange for their own lives .
olive dies . hardly lived and leaving behind a son . amber doesn't consider it significant , it is . the jealousy subsides for a while - it'd be disrespectful really . she plays role of dutiful grieving sister but is really only grieving for monotony . because nothing is really quite the same after .
she's jealous of her classmates too , as they walk for graduation . they have family out there cheering for them , colleges to go to and people to celebrate with . amber has bags full of books stolen from her school's library , in exchange for walking . and her sister , violet (alive) waiting to drive her home . so she has every right to be jealous really , it's another cliché she's robbed of .
it spreads as she begins college , being cooped up for a year , next to silent can do that to a person surprisingly . she's jealous of the greek class: of bunny , henry , camila , charles and francis . what they must have that she's lacking in . she knows languages - latin and spanish , so it's not even like she'd be incompetent . amber's aware when she sees them about , their better than - almost uneasy demeanour . so yes - she is jealous . not that she'd ever admit it .
parties aren't a rarity , warm beer clutched in hand as amber clings to the wall - or cigarette ( she only picked it up for something to do ) clutched in hand as she sat in the cool night air . she envied the people who had the courage to get up and dance , talk to a stranger or take someone's hand . she seethed with jealousy , bottled it up for each year of existence . anyone who seemed to be able to socialise was an inconvenience .
richard papen , who managed to study greek . who joined the class late after she'd been turned down . it was an endless loop of discontent really , and soon enough he seemed to absorb the sense they carried around . it was like the world was laughing at her . each thing she longed for was just out of her grasp , just enough for someone else and god - wasn't it her turn ?
to be jealous of a tragedy was sickening really , amber knows this . but wasn't it all like the crime novels she'd read ? it just made amber feel odd , she knows what she knows , is aware its an accident . but it's all so unnerving that she feels the desperation to be there , watch him fall with her own eyes . and it's disgusting and she feels it because amber doesn't control her emotions these days , she just follows them blindly .