There was a sign on the wall in three of the Universal languages used in the sector:
[Do not tell the Humans something is Impossible]
Ipsquib read it in two of the Universal languages he knew how to read and then said to Atrix Attomyar Denoue, “What the heck?”
Atto, in Passable Tsin, said: “You know the Humans. You tell them they can't do something, and it just encourages them.”
Ipsquib, pondered this. “Like... doing things that aren't physically possible, like that one EVA guy who forgot his suit who ran outside a space station nude to talk to their friend?”
Atto thought about it. “Pretty sure that's just made up,” she said, “But yeah I guess, or more worsely, they're rules lawyers.”
“Eh?”
“Remember that legal case on Epsilon Eridani - The one with the jewellery?”
“The Glitter Band?”
“Yeah. They caught someone stealing it, but it belonged to their family before the Intercine, and it was stolen, but because the other side won they upheld it as owned by the thieves, but then the regime fell and... anyway, everyone had a claim to it.”
“Right. I still don't follow it. How did it work out?”
“One of the human lawyers,” said Atto, “Managed to prove the entire species didn't exist and thus by the wording of the law, it could never have been owned by any party, and therefore it must be an artifact of a non-native species, and as the only representative of a non-native species in the courtroom, he awarded it to the family of the original owners. Nobody could figure out how to legally prove them wrong.”
Ipsquib paused and thought about that for a moment. “OK, that's… Ugh. Humans.”
“Yeah. The uh, Diogenese defence they call it. The Galactic Federated worlds would ban it, but they're terrified the Humans will come up with something worse.”
It does not behove and befit for the believing men and women that when they are alone with Allah is when they are sinning against Allah, When they are in public, and with the community and in the masjid. Then they show their best taqwa, their best ikhlaq, their best mannerism. And only when they are alone with Allah is when the worst, evil, wickedness comes out of them. So that mean thay are the real enemies of shytan in public and best friends of shytan in PRIVATE!!!!! They are best friends of Allah in public and enemies of Allah in private. So it behoves and befits the believing men and women TO BE AWARE of the fact the Allah is watching. . . . . . #Islam #Muslim #Quran #Hadith #TheSpreadingIslamNetwork #TSIN #TheSpreadingIslam #SpreadingIslam www.twitter.com/TSIN_Official www.telegram.me/TheSpreadingIslamNetwork www.youtube.com/TheSpreadingIslamNetwork www.facebook.com/TheSpreadingIslamNetwork www.instagram.com/TheSpreadingIslamNetwork https://www.instagram.com/p/B7Ws2n3jKHb/?igshid=powzy8pg7rw2
Space piracy isn't a thing. It's not economical, practical or something anyone can pursue for any length of time.
Anyway, the ship had been captured by space pirates, and they'd dropped the temperature in the passenger modules down to a few ticks under the freezing point of water: The Atrix passengers were all huddled up, torpid, protecting their little guys, and the Thotari Pirates were planning on pillaging the cargo and personal possessions while things were quiet.
They'd checked the manifest: 12 Atrix passengers, and four crew, also Atrix. Easy pickings.
So it was a little bit of a surprise when they cracked the door to the passenger module and one of the Atrix turned out to be somewhat genetically human.
It was holding a hot beverage in one hand and used the other to grip the first Thotari Contract Pirate around their scrawny neck, dragging them off their feet.
Then it used that individual to beat the others until they snapped their contract markers and sat their asses down.
Everyone knows the Thotari take contracts very seriously. Snapping the marker was as good as surrender: No Thotari with any self respect would work unpaid.
The Pirate Executive Officer, employed for her bulk and experience took personal umbrage regarding this whole mess and thundered onto the ship, with several large sharp weapons, and some very cool looking armour, determined to perpetrate terminal events to the Human's biology.
The Human took one look and threw it's drink in her face. Then gave her a vicious kicking while the bitter alkaloids in the toxic concoction caused the PEO to collapse with uncontrollable spasms.
According to the logs, the Human took time out and poured another cup of coffee, turned the heat up, glared at the rest of the Thotari until they snapped their contract markers rather than deal with any of that and walked onto the Pirate's ship.
At which point they called the Pirate's backer up, and spent a half hour explaining in horrifying detail what they would personally do to that individual, and how much worse it was going to be if they didn't stop this inane crap.
The Thotari picked up their PEO and hooked her up to their ship's medical bay, said 'no hard feelings it's just business' and left.
---
"How was your trip?" asked Dave The Human.
"Pretty quiet," said Phalanges Mitten, AKA Dave. "Glad to be back, though. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to take a decent nap on those haulers - And don't get me started on the Coffee!"
Visit strange new worlds... And ask, "What would a human do?"
Really, it was hard not to wail like a child who'd lost his tnkpt, thought Viska. It was how he felt right now and he suspected the big toothy thing outside wouldn't care much.
The only thing that was stopping him was that he was fairly sure it didn't know exactly where he was, and he didn't want to help out.
It'd been all fun at the start. He, Dr. Kraant, Ipsnig and the Human assigned to the survey to lift stuff and do Human things had gone out. The Human had helped him paint his scales a few days before and he was feeling very pretty and competent, and the Human had brought some of their human music that secretly Viska thought was pretty good, even if it needed to be a little higher pitched.
But then the big thing had attacked. Viska mentally named it Ergrig. It looked like an Ergrig. Something about the way it was drooling.
The human had grabbed Dr. Kraant, who had this theory that all predators had motion based vision, and flung him into the Sintral expedition car. Ipsnig had just leapt out the way and then there was dust and rocks spraying everywhere and the Ergrig was between him and the Sintral.
He'd dropped on all fours, and run, skidding around the vegetation, mud and rocks and finally he'd wedged himself in a small muddy gap, his gorgeous scale paints splattered and scratched, and of course the snazzing gwapruff thing had followed him.
And now he was stuck, and probably going to be eaten, and die. In that order.
He wished he was a Human. They always seemed to know how to deal with things.
He's asked their Human how they dealt with all the horrible creatures which all seemed to somehow have classified the human as not-food.
"I ask myself: What Saint Irwin would do?" They'd said, like it was funny.
Viska wondered if this Saint Irwin would help out a poor muddy Tsin, or if you had to be Human to ask.
What he needed was a Saint Human to help Tsin out.
Or... maybe he should just ask: What would Human
And so, a few minutes later, the Ergrig, who'd been sure there was some little scaled food thing around here was very startled when a small male Tsin leapt up in front of it, scales on end like an angry pine cone, four arms splayed out, and gibbering in a manner that the Ergrig had never heard before.
It backed up, scrabbling, and the spiny thing lurched forward.
Like many predators, the Ergrig couldn't chance an injury. One of the big herbivores might have just kicked or gored Viska, but the Ergrig bolted.
"I can't believe that worked!" Said Viska.
"Neither can I." Said the human stepping out of liminal space between two boulders with a whump-gun. "I was trying to find you - Good thinking with the mud by the way - and I was prepared to give that big fella an arse full, with Betty here, but looks like you had it in hand!"
Vriska couldn't figure out how to respond for a moment - a little starstruck at getting praise from a Human.
"Oh well. I just thought... what would a Human do." He said as they headed back to the Sintral expedition vehicle.
"Well it worked this time!" Said the Human, "But to be honest, I think most people - or animals - would back off if you leap out and screamed the lyrics to Phantom of the Opera at them..."
Captain Zolvair of the Transport Ship Ootsgkgkgk was at an informal meeting of Captains.
Which meant she and five others who were currently on station were propping up a bar on Deck 9, where the view was good and the Grottled Greebs wouldn't upset anyone.
"Well. It's been nice knowing you – Except you, Grubbthrak – But I have a cargo pod full of Tellus Mercenaries... and no Human."
Grubbthrak (who nobody liked) shuddered and even said, "My condolences. I always hoped to hear of your untimely demise but... Tellus?" and shuddered again to make a point, his quills rattling.
The other captains took a moment of silence for their probably doomed comrade.
Throughout the systems, everyone had heard rumours of Tellus Mercenaries.
If you had the money, and you could get a signal through, they'd come for you.
It was aid they'd punched through the embargo fleet on Jamok (the planet) because they'd been hired to push back Sisiphon troops around Jamok (the city). They ahdn't been hired to, it was just in the way. One ship, they said, pushed through a fleet meant to keep a carrier group out.
And everyone knew that just 500 Tellus mercenaries took back the Oostin continent from the Rshk, who outnumbered them by 1000:1.
And as for what happened to the Sha Jarmak when he reneged on payment... well that got made into sixteen movies, three of which were horror genre.
Do not fuck with the Tellus
One Tellus who wanted to wander the ship was unstoppable. A whole habitat module of them? It was said that ships that didn't have a handler usually came back as salvage.
A tall feathery being in Trade Consortium of Duth colours whistled, "I heard they found a dead Tellus and peeled its armour off, on Jamok.
Grubbthark scoffed! "Ha! Everyone knows a dead Tellus will melt to slime - And eat through your deck plates if you open their armour."
The Duth captain waved a frond. "Even so, it is what was told. The being who said so, said the Tellus are cybernetic abominations, with scales and the meat of the slain still caught between their teeth."
Everyone took a drink. No Tellus Merc had ever been seen out of its combat suit. Rumour had it they were all synthetics, and thus they were themselves not wearing the dark and shifting combat suits — They were the suits.
Other rumours said that they captured anyone who'd fit and used them as unwilling pilots. Worse rumours suggested they would remove anything that didn't fit and still make you pilot the mech suits.
Others pointed out that the Tellus always logged captives, and treated them in accordance with galactic standards on prisoner confinement, but nobody likes a killjoy busting your deliciously lurid story telling.
What was known was that they were almost impossible to confine or deal with unless you had a Human.
For some reason, they were fine with humans and never pinned them down and ate them or whatever it was that they did when they got told 'no'.
Any ship carrying them always had a human or two to go down to their habitat pods and... well nobody knows. The Humans say they're not allowed to tell. And the Tellus don't really chat at all.
"Humans!" grumped the Captain. "'Oh we're so friend shaped ha ha tee hee fart bare teeth play with hair' - Ugh. There's nicer species..."
The Human captain coughed softly.
"No direct ooffenceintended." Zolvair stated, laying her back plates flat in contrition. "You know how it is."
The Human Captain, who's name was something unpronounceable ( Ooo-Yill-amn, woo-ee-lam... 'Just call me Bil'), shrugged and said, "I mean you're not wrong, but I have to stick up for the species. It's all part of the jjob,donchaknow." and fiddled with his hair.
Zolvair sighed and used the table's console to order him another drink for being a good sport... then thought 'can't spend your credits when you're gone' and bought everyone else a round.
Bil nodded at the kind gesture, and since propriations had been tendered, displayed some largess of his own: "Y'know a lot of my crew happens to be human. I could see if anyone wants to transfer for the haul..."
Zolvair, predictably was enthused. "Oh! Yes, absolutely, squeap yes! Full pay and a bonus when the delivery is complete." she said, turning into somewhat of a pinecone in her enthusiasm.
***
Und zo...
A mere 9 hours later, Zolvair's ship undocked and gently fell away from the station, with Sisi Amadalé on the bridge.
She was a dark human with tight curls that Zolvair considered extremely pleasing to look upon. She had a few scars she said she'd picked up as a stevedore and on Planetary Bioassay jobs – "It's not all carrying things and doing Human stuff!" she'd said – and a comfy looking set of overalls with the most fascinating array of pocket and loops. The decorative patches alone made Zolvair feel under-decorated.
She was carrying a clipboard, wearing a warm looking poncho and keeping a hand on a large bag that she claimed contained snacks that would keep the Tellus quiet.
She watched the undocking, and sighed. "Well. All yours, Captain." she said.
Zolvair, in her chair also sighed. "OK, well the Tellus are all yours. Go down, introduce yourself and uh, feed them snacks if that's your plan. Stay close to the emergency button and don't take chances."
Sisi snapped off a sloppy salute. "Aye aye, Captain!" she said cheerfully and headed aft.
Zolvair found the human extremely affable and could tell that the bridge crew had a favourable impression. She hoped the Tellus wouldn't eat her.
Meanwhile, in the cargo section...
The habitat pod, big enough to transport 16 mercs, their combat vehicles, provisions, and all the other paraphernalia loomed.
To say it was black would be like saying Absolute Zero was 'cold'.
Technically correct but missing on a whole lot of detail and context.
The pod, like the inhabitants, loomed. It was hard to look at - it's skin shifting, changing, hiding any surface detail. Now glossy, now matte like looking into a void. Now rippling in a way that made most sentients change their underwear. And one thing everyone agreed on about the terrifying pods: They really did watch you. They knew you were there. You could feel them staring somehow.
Sisi walked up and banged on the hatch and yelled, "Open up!".
The hatch opened in a disturbing way and Sis tutted and walked right in, swallowed.
Inside, as the inner hatch opened, the walls were a pleasant creamy colour with hand painted meadows and amber accent lighting.
The Tellus mercenaries, still wearing their pyjamas, raised a cheer as Corporal Sisi of the Tellus Mercenary group upended her satchel and tumbled out bundles of chocolate and bags of coffee beans.
"I had to cut short my civiliant roation for this!" she bitched cheerfully – After getting hit hard enough to break her leg in three places she'd been taking some R&R and doing some under-cover security for Catpain Bil's freighter for the pocket money and, honestly, because she was going bugfuck crazy at the resort she'd spent two weeks at after being discharged from the hospital.
"Remember guys, no scaring the crew on this trip. They're nice, and htey're already half sure you're gonna murder them in their beds." she said, cracking one of the packages open for the almond crisp chocolate bar stuffed into it. Someone groaned as she called dibs, so she threw half to them.
"Pff." said one huge, scarred man in Hello Kitty PJs. "The Tsin are never any trouble. Tell you what... if you want in on the action, I'll play Good ol' Sam, Freelance Chef on the way back."
"Chef?"
"Damn' straight. Bet you five credits they'll ask me to stay on just for the Chatophah rolls I make..." he said and got some eyerolls from the rest of the team.
"Always with the damn Chatophah rolls..." groaned a woman as she fed coffee beans into the autobarrista. "... which isn't to say I don't want any on Tsin Tuesday." she added hurriedly.
Sisi groaned. "Oh gawwwwd, coffeeee" around a mouthful of chocolate.
In half an hour she'd smear a little makeup on to make her look ragged, and take a knife to the cheap bag, and report back on the borderline feral space monsters in the hold, then go back to playing her favourite character: Good ol' Sisi, who never did anything more scary than get into a purple breadroll eating competition.
Garf was watching something intently on her tablet with Un-Name Male in the Cafeteria, half-eaten Purple Breadroll in one hand.
Dave the Human ambled up in his Atrix overalls ("They're really comfy") and queried today's topic.
Garf flipped around the tablet. "I'm watching this. How long does it take Humans to learn to do this?" she asked.
Dave pressed play:
Discover topics like unmuted, and the magic of the internet at Imgur, a community powered entertainment destination. Lift your spirits with
"Oh, they're not trained." he said. "Humans just do that."
"Grak?!" said Un-named male.
"OK. But... really though?" Garf Asked.
Dave said "Sure! You need a conductor and to let people know you asking them to sing though."
Well Dave The Human got called on account of everyone knew this was Dave The Human's sort of shenanigans, and besides she was on the same shift rota.
"Grak." commented Un-named Male, and Garf couldn't disagree Whatever was happening it was interesting.
They bribed Dave The Human with purple rolls and salted butter, showed her the video, and she said, "Ok this sounds fun. I'm not sure if this is a joke - because I'm pretty sure you can't really play a group of humans as an instrument. So... who's about? OK let's see... Hey EVA 43, Sam, Emmy... got a moment?"
They did. They clustered up. The Daves showed them the video. "You game?" the human Dave asked. They looked at each other and Emmy said "Sure!"
And so on that shift for the next half hour the faint sound of the only Human Deep Space Ad-Hoc choir could be heard faintly through the station, running through classic Tsin melodies, and also at least one movie theme that Dave was fond of.
"Well." said Garf, "I guess Humans do Just Do That."
"... What about all your other fantasy tropes?" asked Garf Bloom, back in her normal position, with Un-Named Male napping in her pouch.
Rax was also at the table, about the size of a dog and doggedly gnawing on carrots, apparently now big enough o hang out without getting The Fear away from Gondy, his more or less Ex.
"What?" said Dave the Human.
Dave The Human looked delighted. "Like Space goblins, Space, Dwarves, Space Elves...?"
"Space Goblins! What would that look like?" said Garf, having ploughed through quite a lot of human literature for fun and academia.
"Yeah no yeah that's also Humans." said Dave The human, Large Female Tsin and official Human Male for Reasons.
"Space Goblins?"
Dave The human pointed to Dave the human as he tried to catch a peanut in his mouth and tipped over backward.
