July 25, 2009
Some people fight racism. Some people fight sexism. I fight Vampire Hitler. HE'S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I'M TAKING CARE OF IT. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102
Troubleshooting. Next step, shooting. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62
The argument "Jesus must have existed because so many things were written about him" makes me want to go to New York to meet Spiderman. @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 60
When I meet women, I try to impress them with my good looks, dance moves and big dick. I have none of those so I just fix their computer. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 59
Frankly, I don't think anyone who measures trust in physical distance should be allowed to throw people, anyway. @Remiel (Gabriel) – 57
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him lifeguard. Horses don't know CPR. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57
"Cut it out" "RT Cut it out" "Stop it!" "RT Stop it!" "Daaad, tell him to stop!" "RT Daaad, tell him to stop!" My kids on Twitter. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 57
Police officer just came to our door looking for an address that doesn't exist. I will report this to Obama. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56
Does this neck brace make me look straight ahead? @biorhythmist (matt) – 56
When my wife goes away, she leaves a Honey Do list. I say, "Fuck you, it's Saturday!" But, it comes out, "Yes, Dear." I'll be back later. @BakeMyFish (Cunny Snort) – 53
I WON'T BE IGNORED, AUTOMATIC PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52
"Coffee is good at work, but I'd never be so strung out that I'd need it on weekends." - Me, 15 years ago, remembered while I top off. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51
The Doubters: "You can't convince millions of poor people they don't want help paying their doctor bills." FOX News: "Oh no? Watch me." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49
Crumbs in your keyboard are just a snack you haven't met! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48
the best way to tell a friend they have a booger in their mustache is to say the words you are tweeting out loud as you type. you got it. @theduty (duty) – 45
On the one hand, I *should* go for a run. On the other hand, I have five fingers. Covered with peanut butter. @antichrista (Christa Mrgan) – 45
Just had a nice catch with my son. HOW FREAKING HARD WAS THAT, HARRY CHAPIN? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45
Profoundly funny tweet #2828703960 (?) @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 44
I'd say I'm an elitist but I'm better than that. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 43
Profoundly funny tweet #2831086140 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 43