#theduty

[djstumppinz]

#its #theduty https://www.instagram.com/p/BxmjedDFfFz/?igshid=19lbq93hc6drp

[thisdayinfavrd]

October 12, 2009

Oh, look. Another $30 million fighter jet, buzzing my house at 7:30am. I hope it's a Transformer that turns into libraries and health care. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 186

A longtime fugitive, wanted for a 1968 hijacking, was arrested today. For his sake, I hope he's directed some good films. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 152

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 142

"Ask your financial adviser if you're wealthy enough to ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity." @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 112

...there was no sadder reminder of my dyslexia than showing up to the "Walk for MS" in nothing but a leather codpiece & metal nipple clamps. @theduty (duty) – 84

Celebrating Columbus Day by driving my Nana in a Pinto to Santa Maria, California. Not ideal, but drug mules don't get the day off. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 84

My OCD brings all the boys to the yard. And arranges them by age, and then height. @blankslate (Alex) – 81

COUNTER LADY: Your daughter's shy. ME: Yeah. CL: It's okay. ME: Thank you. CL: I mean, she doesn't talk. ME: Inspiring, huh? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 80

They socialized Canadian Thanksgiving, so now we have to be thankful for *everything*. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80

It's 2009. If your hotel doesn't have free WiFi, it better be because the signal pisses off the free unicorns you give to every guest. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 75

How I know my wife loves me: She never interrupts me when I tell her a superhero's origin story. Even though she wants to.  So very much. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

Real web designers write code. Always have, always will. #aea @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 55

I hear your mom's going to be a gobblin' for Halloween. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 53

The thought that my wife was possibly cheating on me never crossed my mind until I saw what she just did to that Push Pop. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 51

For a while, I was pretty into SmartWater. Then, I discovered VitaminWater. Today, I mostly drink tap water with quarters in it. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

Rest-stop soap is what happens when your product goal is "smelling better than urine." @aedison (Avery Edison) – 48

Edgar Allen Poe walks into a bar. The bartender says nothing. He's been dead the whole time. And it's not a bar. It's a grave. Your grave. @katefeetie (Katie Though) – 48

Clients who want freebies in exchange for "future work" are as beneficial as the cellmate who "highly recommends" your rim jobs. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 45

"The Secret?" Find somebody with $24 who believes there's "a secret." Also, red wax seal. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43

This bottle of scotch brings back childhood memories. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42

[thisdayinfavrd]

September 5, 2009

10 minutes & 5 puppets later, I realize the flight attendants don't really want to know what they can do to make my flight more enjoyable. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 75

My girl hates it when I yell "vagina on a stick!", when she is on top. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 60

so let me get this straight. ...a sexual fruedian slip would be when you say one thing, but mean your mother. I mean ano- wait. SHIT. @theduty (duty) – 59

American ants seem so surprised when I apologize before squishing them. IT'S CALLED COMMON COURTESY. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Cuntsequences: The blowback after being a spectacular bitch. @ChiNurse (ChiNurse) – 54

Although it would mean we wouldn't go see the in-laws, I really hope my kids don't have strep. I think this shows real emotional maturity. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

A day off of work to honor _workers_? What is this, the 20th century? I know Socialism when I see it. Get back to work there, Trotsky. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 50

Some guy in a Ford Fiesta just cruised down the street blaring "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman, leaving a cloud of irony behind him. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 49

In defense of the people complaining about Obama's pro-education message, threatening ignorance is threatening their way of life. @Moltz (Moltz) – 44

Man behind me at the bookstore is reading aloud to himself. I think it's a Western, because he keeps saying "RIDE 'EM!" His breath is hot. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44

Gold has risen to almost $1,000 an ounce. Think of the strain this must be putting on the average rap star household. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43

About to give the Friday night keynote address at Lame-Con. If you need me, I'll be talking to myself in the mirror. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42

The Heathrow airport bathrooms are AMAZING. Evidently, they call them "Delta Airlines Courtesy Lounges" here. Anyway I've been arrested. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 41

iPhone OS remains completely secure against Flash vulnerabilities. @gruber (John Gruber) – 41

Does this 'lying fully-clothed on a freezing, windswept, pebbly beach, drinking tea out of a thermos' make me look English? @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 41

Does it count as desecrating the body if you spew water over the casket when your niece asks "Why is that girl sleeping?" @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 38

Are sounds tennis players make informed by lesbian porn or is lesbian porn informed by sounds tennis players make? Only Martina knows. @poeks (Poeks) – 37

Me: "Haha! You say 'sizzle' like it's a transitive verb!" Her: "Hahaha, I say 'nerd' like you are one." @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 37

GPS tracking lets me leave a dotted line everywhere I go, just like Jeffy in "Family Circus." BRB gotta go climb this fence and chase a dog. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 36

I don't mind the britneyfuckvid bots following me, but would it kill them to give me a star or retweet once in awhile? @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 33

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 24, 2009

You know why hobbits don't need to wear shoes? Because hobbits are imaginary. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 104

If I ever get divorced, it will be hard to look convincing when I tell my children they weren't the cause. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 79

Who died and made you the only thing on TV, CSI? Oh, you're figuring it out. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 77

if there's one thing I absolutely can't stand, it's people who are condescending. ...by the way, condescending means talking down to you. @theduty (duty) – 70

Irony is an impotent sperm whale. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67

A neon sign flickers outside the window of my sweaty, sleazy motel room. I hoist the tuba from its case. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 67

Ahhh... the sound of children screaming on a playground. It was *just* enough wasps. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60

Him: "Which side of the bed do you sleep on?" Me: "The top." You'd think those mattress salesmen would be a little smarter. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 57

Problem with the web is all the empty, pandering two-sentence bites of fake insight that help us pretend we're cultural critics. Amirite? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

Until they figure out why senior citizens are practically immune to the H1N1 virus, I'm upping my dosage of hard candy. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

I suspect some of every cop's confident charm comes from knowing he can beat you with a stick until you agree he's confident and charming. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

With vacation over, I now return to a life of "meaning," "purpose," "the drive to create," and other very earnest things in quotation marks. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52

It's an escalator you're stepping onto, not a vat of piranhas. Make your move already, lady. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51

Ex-wife asked if he was upset that Daddy was on his blackberry all the time. I asked if he was upset Mommy gave him her huge nostrils. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50

MARRIAGE TIP: If your kids are going away for a week starting Monday, you make DAMN SURE your sexiest sweatpants get laundered on Sunday. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 49

After sitting within earshot of some high school kids at Subway I have learned that, ironically, "hellannoying" is my new favorite word. @biorhythmist (matt) – 49

No childcare today. So it's Take Your Daughter All the Way Back To the Cafeteria To Search For Her Lost Stuffed Animal Day. I hate that day. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 47

Day 2 of unemployment: I made a pillow fort and-- OH CRAP! THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA! @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 47

On my beanbag chair, eating ice cream in a Tupperware bowl, watching Airwolf and Star Search, waiting for the Internet to be invented. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

Lucy's sedation drugs are slowly being decreased right now. Finally, after a week, she is moving her little legs and arms by herself. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 45

[d-v-s-t]

wish my hair looked half as cool as this guy's