August 13, 2009
Dear Gramma, thank you so much for the Tonka truck. It is very fun! Sorry it took me 30 years to write back. Is Heaven scary? Love, Jiggy @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 132
Famous Resignations: Richard Nixon, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin. Better known as the Ex's of Evil. @BakeMyFish (Unavailable) – 83
I don't care where you fall on the healthcare debate, yelling at Arlen Specter looks like fun. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 82
Christians would probably be more relaxed if their savior's name was Cheez-Its Christ. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76
Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Really, I'm asking because you refuse to take your Bluetooth out, so I'm never sure. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 73
Profoundly funny tweet #3281380262 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 72
I'd call my moobs "the twins" but I think I'd get sick of explaining that they are fraternal, not identical. Definitely not identical. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 72
"Stop making up things about me on the internet," said my housemate, as he rode his Russian, mail-order bride around like a fat, sassy pony. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 71
I want a cereal like Alpha-Bits called Integer-Bits. I'd eat it and when asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Oh, just crunching some numbers." @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 71
Dear Santa, FIRST! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68
Polls show senior citizens largely disapprove of Obamacare. Plan B: Start calling it Matlockcare. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66
I got a scratch on my iPhone and now it always skips before the good part of Stairway To Heaven. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 66
Wearing my meeting pants. My party pants gently weep. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65
Profoundly funny tweet #3287159106 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 65
WARNING TO ALL MEN: Beware of female sexual predators using a date rape drug called BLOW JOBS to entrap men into scams called RELATIONSHIPS @omg_wth (Finally, someone ) – 65
I dropped Jim off at the airport an hour ago, and I've already left him two voicemails of me sobbing and singing "Everything I Do." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 65
Flight home: started a game of "peek-a-boo" with 2yr old in front of me. After 30 minutes I grabbed him and said, IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE ME @blankslate (Alex) – 62
No two countries with a McDonald's have ever fought a war. And no two countries with a Hardees have ever admitted to eating at a Hardees. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60
I think freckles are God's way of saying, imagine how much fun she is when naked. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 59
How much can you bench press? No, BENCH PRESS. Not FRENCH PRESS. Man, they are literally going to kill you in prison. @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 58