#smilinbjones

[thisdayinfavrd]

September 12, 2009

"Why did you put foot powder on your balls?" "I put all kinds of stuff on my balls when you're not around." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 77

If they didn't want me running around the place wearing my smock like a cape, they shouldn't have named it SuperCuts. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 69

I wish all these idiots were as tolerant, self-aware, and intellectually nuanced as I am. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 66

Funny how quickly "We don't have to be there until 2pm" becomes "Shit, we have to be there at 2pm." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 63

Someday, I'll see "September 12" on my calendar and not picture Dick Cheney rubbing his hands and chortling gleefully. That'll be nice. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 59

I just spent all morning baby-proofing my house and the little fucker keeps getting in. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 58

I just ousted Amy G. as the mayor of my fucking couch. @gruber (John Gruber) – 57

Dear General Mills: "Espress-O's". Make it happen. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 56

These donuts may be "mini" in terms of size, but in terms of flavor, spirit, and bravery, they are giants. God speed, donut friends. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 55

I feel justified eating all this ice cream since I'm getting my period. At some point later this month. @poeks (Poeks) – 54

How old am I? It's 11:30 on a Friday night and I've already been asleep long enough to get up once. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

I'm ending this week on a super HIGH note, if you catch my drift. Yep, playing the piccolo. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

People who look down their noses at you while pronouncing "vase" as "vaaahz" make me want to punch them in the faaahz. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

If you’d told sixteen year-old me that future computers ship with 2GB of RAM but can barely open Word, I so would’ve burned your witch ass. @beep (Ethan Marcotte) – 43

I'm going to go dick around with some wiring. Tell my kids you were occasionally mildly amused by things I said on the internet. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 43

I'm guessing the main reason guys think the G Spot is a myth is because you can't hit it with your dick. @poeks (Poeks) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #3923324620 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 41

Telegraph Avenue smells like fancy herbal soaps and the people who aren't using them. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 41

The founder of The Weather Channel passed away. That funeral's gonna have some pretty awkward small talk. @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 40

wait. wait. wait. where are we going? and more importantly... WHY THE HELL AM I IN THIS HANDBASKET?!?! @theduty (duty) – 39

[thisdayinfavrd]

July 29, 2009

Calling it a night because I'm too tired to get out a thesaurus. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 126

Pimp My Ride Canada: Yo, Dawg! We added rust-proofing to your car! And here's a box of tissues for the back window! [Polite handshake.] @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 84

Watching cable news cover healthcare is excruciating. Will someone please kidnap a white girl or something? Just till the August recess? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 78

Talk about false advertising. As soon as the pet store opens, I'm returning this slightly used, yet disappointing blowfish. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 73

Stripper glitter is nature's way of saying you forgot to look in the mirror before lying about where your face has been. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 65

BF: You don't even know what 'Baroque' means, do you? Me: Sure I do. It's when you have no Monet @blankslate (Alex) – 64

The next time you are pressured to do illegal drugs, just remember they were smuggled into this country inside someone's ass. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 62

"Are you afraid you'll regret never having children?" CHASE Bank's online security questions are a little out of control. @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 59

I'm so jealous. I caught a glimpse of a colleague's mail. The IRS is giving him an Audi. Weird, though. That's not even an American car. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

A new report says tanning beds are as deadly as mustard gas. Which explains the shortage of tanned WWI veterans alive today. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

If showers sprayed milk instead of water I could eat cookies in there. But then I'd associate showers with breastfeeding. And that's weird. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

Profoundly funny tweet #2908650296 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 52

I'm not trying to ignore you, it's just that the imaginary people inside my phone have more interesting things to say. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

Based on volume and frequency, saying "alrightsy" is her signature move. When I finish sharpening this pen into a shiv, I'll show her mine. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

I have to find new babies for my baby wrestling league because none of the babies I've wrestled so far have lived through a whole round. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 49

"The Little Engine That Could Please Your Mother" #failedchildrensbooktitles @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

Me: What's this guy like? Daughter: He's mad chill. Me: Mad chill. Is that like totally rad? Daughter. Yea, but not as stuck in the 80s. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 48

"Knock knock" "Whose there?" "It's 'Who's'" "Huh?" "The contraction, not the possessive." "Wait, how did you—" "This is in a tweet." "Crap." @biorhythmist (matt) – 47

Oh, guy who just found this stall occupied and then chose to leave rather than take the adjacent stall, why can't there be more like you? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 45

One of my main goals as a father is to ensure that my wife never teaches my son to refer to his junk as a dingaling. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 45

[thisdayinfavrd]

June 13, 2009

How do crickets know if a joke bombs? Trick question! Crickets are humorless fucks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 75

Leave 8 bags of mulch in a hot car for 2 hours, and you too can have a car that smells like teenage bears have been hooking up in it. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 65

Wife: "They were on sale so I had to buy them." Me: "You'd buy Hitler if he was on sale." Wife: "That's not funny." Me: "Yes it was." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

Ever notice that British cats say "miaow" instead of meow? Also, I think a litterbox is a "loo" or a "lorry" or something. Google's no help. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46

Pro-Tip: Say your goodbyes to your Lego stormtroopers *before* the five-year-old comes to visit. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

"Hey Dad, look at my strap on!" "Looks great son!" I'd have told him we call the tie a "clip-on", but we were late for church. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 43

Me: "I grilled your steak rare." My wife: "I don't like it rare." Oh, crap. I wish I could somehow undo the damage by making it less rare. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 41

Watching my wife eat a chocolate covered frozen banana wishing I was comfortable enough with my sexuality to have one too. @lukeinvan (living in a van) – 38

A rat's average lifespan is 3 years. So, all the rats in Ratatouille: now dead. Long dead. Nemo? Loooooong dead. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 38

In Kansas City, the birthplace of jazz hands. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 37

Eating chargrilled oysters in a nice restaurant alone, I think I've finally realized: I'm dating my iPhone. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 36

Cops on Segways. Portland, your nerd is showing. @poeks (Poeks) – 36

Profoundly funny tweet #2159127331 (?) @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 35

The next 36 hours in Kansas City will be spent eating barbecue and waiting to eat barbecue. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 35

Two things Canada are famous for: 1. Hockey. 2. Being nice. Canada. The True North strong and oxymoronic. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 35

Profoundly funny tweet #2147771634 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 34

Profoundly funny tweet #2157672218 (?) @awryone (Unavailable) – 33

Hank: "What's inside this bamboo?" Me: "It's empty inside. Just like Pat Buchanan." Yep, that's me. Father of the Year. @Moltz (Moltz) – 32

Stephanie's almost done with her first ultra-marathon. I can't wait to tell her about the eight hour battery life on the new MacBook Pros. @jkubicek (Jim Kubicek) – 30

Cabbie's apparently never heard of "Cambridge," "Mass Ave," or "the stripe they put in the middle of the road to keep death at bay." @beep (Ethan Marcotte) – 30