When I got the call i thought it was just a spam call.
I answered it thinking I could piss off a telemarketer and block another fake number.
but it wasn’t a telemarketer.
i knew your voice immediately. and immediately the panic attack started.
despite knowing your voice I asked who it was and when you said your name i didn’t even know what to say. my body wanted to throw up from the amount of stress. everything in the room started ringing but i stumbled towards the door of the post office and said, “why are you calling.”
everything’s a blur after that. i know we determined we’d talk later and then later that night there was your voice again. unreal. i hadn’t heard that voice in well over 2 years. it didn’t feel real it still doesn’t.
but i was actually talking to you, like physically exchanging words in real time. and suddenly i was back in 8th grade. and we were sitting next to each other during lunch just talking and messing around and i had so much fucking love for you. you know you’re the first time i felt wanted. like really wanted. before jay had even looked at me, before you ever left and we fought and i yelled at you that night on the phone in cheesecake factory. before we ever stopped talking. before i let him touch me then blow it all to pieces. before i ever said you were right.
there was you. and i. eating lunch. and writing notes to each other. and i drew that picture of bob and larry that you kept in your pencil box. and i sat next to you in history. and you ate that whole jar of peanut butter in your back pack and you put the empty jar back in the back of your cupboard and your parents didn’t find it til you moved and we laughed about that so hard and your voice would crack and i would make fun of you and when we were at the mall you’d always wear a snapback and drag me into lids and that time i got really bad. and my skirt rode up over my knee just a little. and you cared. you cared so much. when i would get numb you always brought me back. when i was losing myself you always reminded me who i was. when i didn’t think i could take it anymore the nagging and sadness in my head i would come to school and see you. and i knew i couldn’t. because you’d be sad and i didn’t wanna make you sad. sometimes that’s the only thing that kept me from trying to leave again. and maybe that’s sad but it kept me alive. you kept me alive. and i have to give you credit for that. because i don’t know where i would be or even if i would be right now if not for you. you got me through a rough time in my life not by constricting or criticizing me but just by being there. by being a total dork with me and by hugging me and being so sweet to me when i really didn’t deserve it.
and whenever i think of our breakup and how it all ended i try to push the yelling on the phone and the crying and the heartbreak out of my mind. because that’s not who i fell in love with. i didn’t fall in love with you in 2016 when you confessed you loved me. i fell in love with you in 2014 every single day over and over again.
and that conversation was so nice and i just wanted it to be 2014 again and to not be so scared and worried and sad. i cried as soon as we hung up because i couldn’t think of anything but all we had and our friendship and how perfect it all was at one time and how much i missed it and how your crying made me want to do nothing but comfort you in my arms. but we hung up. and i cried. then woke up the next morning feeling get again as though nothing was real.
and i know you’re back with her now. even though you cried on the phone to me about her. but i’m not going to retaliate. i’m just going to be a little sad about it for a while. i know i was probably just being used to talk to because you were sad about how she’d treated you. but i’m sure the sadness with ebb away with time. i’ve just been so sad recently. and i haven’t talked about it with anyone recently but you. i hope she treats you well. if not i’ll always be here to call. you can always call me.
-3-19-20 this ones for me #4
