i'll never finish a story

metaphors and excerpts

[wizardslipperz]

i’m listening to your voice right now and i want to cry. you’re just talking about your dog while i’m watering my plants in the sink. i have you on speaker phone and the soft light of my living room lamp is reflecting off the water as you talk.

i don’t know how this happened. we’ve spoken a couple times so that it’s come to the point that hearing your voice over the phone is a relief. like talking to an old friend. and suddenly that’s what you are. an old friend. the violence and tears and screaming and fear of our past gone. i hear your voice and the past shrinks.

i’m suddenly 15 again sitting next to you in class, your knee touching mine so my leg doesn’t bounce. and just so i know you’re there. how does this happen? i’m talking to you like we did before, as if not a single day has passed since we used to walk to the tide pools on the beach and we used to share lunches at school.

i don’t feel anger or fear or anything. i just feel at home. and i want to resist it. i want to shake it off and force myself to think about you grabbing my leg when i told you not to touch me and the calls that left me shutting off my phone after anxiety attacks. i want to. but all i want to do is sit across from you at a coffee shop and remember the good times. but maybe that’d ruin it. maybe i’d see you across from me and that would break the illusion. you wouldn’t just be a voice over the phone carrying me back in time.

i don’t know. but in this moment i want to see your face

maybe i’ll post this later but for now it’ll stay in my drafts

-this one’s for me #5 (1-20-22)

[wizardslipperz]

When I got the call i thought it was just a spam call.

I answered it thinking I could piss off a telemarketer and block another fake number.

but it wasn’t a telemarketer.

i knew your voice immediately. and immediately the panic attack started.

despite knowing your voice I asked who it was and when you said your name i didn’t even know what to say. my body wanted to throw up from the amount of stress. everything in the room started ringing but i stumbled towards the door of the post office and said, “why are you calling.”

everything’s a blur after that. i know we determined we’d talk later and then later that night there was your voice again. unreal. i hadn’t heard that voice in well over 2 years. it didn’t feel real it still doesn’t.

but i was actually talking to you, like physically exchanging words in real time. and suddenly i was back in 8th grade. and we were sitting next to each other during lunch just talking and messing around and i had so much fucking love for you. you know you’re the first time i felt wanted. like really wanted. before jay had even looked at me, before you ever left and we fought and i yelled at you that night on the phone in cheesecake factory. before we ever stopped talking. before i let him touch me then blow it all to pieces. before i ever said you were right.

there was you. and i. eating lunch. and writing notes to each other. and i drew that picture of bob and larry that you kept in your pencil box. and i sat next to you in history. and you ate that whole jar of peanut butter in your back pack and you put the empty jar back in the back of your cupboard and your parents didn’t find it til you moved and we laughed about that so hard and your voice would crack and i would make fun of you and when we were at the mall you’d always wear a snapback and drag me into lids and that time i got really bad. and my skirt rode up over my knee just a little. and you cared. you cared so much. when i would get numb you always brought me back. when i was losing myself you always reminded me who i was. when i didn’t think i could take it anymore the nagging and sadness in my head i would come to school and see you. and i knew i couldn’t. because you’d be sad and i didn’t wanna make you sad. sometimes that’s the only thing that kept me from trying to leave again. and maybe that’s sad but it kept me alive. you kept me alive. and i have to give you credit for that. because i don’t know where i would be or even if i would be right now if not for you. you got me through a rough time in my life not by constricting or criticizing me but just by being there. by being a total dork with me and by hugging me and being so sweet to me when i really didn’t deserve it.

and whenever i think of our breakup and how it all ended i try to push the yelling on the phone and the crying and the heartbreak out of my mind. because that’s not who i fell in love with. i didn’t fall in love with you in 2016 when you confessed you loved me. i fell in love with you in 2014 every single day over and over again.

and that conversation was so nice and i just wanted it to be 2014 again and to not be so scared and worried and sad. i cried as soon as we hung up because i couldn’t think of anything but all we had and our friendship and how perfect it all was at one time and how much i missed it and how your crying made me want to do nothing but comfort you in my arms. but we hung up. and i cried. then woke up the next morning feeling get again as though nothing was real.

and i know you’re back with her now. even though you cried on the phone to me about her. but i’m not going to retaliate. i’m just going to be a little sad about it for a while. i know i was probably just being used to talk to because you were sad about how she’d treated you. but i’m sure the sadness with ebb away with time. i’ve just been so sad recently. and i haven’t talked about it with anyone recently but you. i hope she treats you well. if not i’ll always be here to call. you can always call me.

-3-19-20 this ones for me #4

[wizardslipperz]

okay well it’s 11 pm exactly right now and I decided I should talk about what happens. because I’m terrible at talking about things that hurt me. and damn, this hurt. before all of this, there was you, her, him and I. and I had a decision. was I going to choose you or him? everyone wanted me to go with him, and you would go with her. she loved you, you know. but I had to be a defiant ass. you know me. and I determined in my head and heart that I would not let him in. I chose you. I regret that decision, and yet, I don’t at the same time. I regret it because I ended up breaking 4 peoples’ hearts with my decision. hers, because she couldn’t be with you, his, because he missed his chance, and you, now, because I got close to you. I shared almost every part of me with you, and I couldn’t stay. I don’t regret my decision, because if not for you, I wouldn’t have learned, I wouldn’t have the tried and true friendships I have now, I wouldn’t have made mistakes, I wouldn’t have learned to stand up for myself, and I wouldn’t have those fucked up teenage mistakes and memories that everyone has. but now for my broken heart. I don’t mean to be conceited, because honestly I’m not that kind of person, but I just need you to know this. when I kissed you that night it wasn’t what I imagined my first kiss would be like in my head. you didn’t kiss me back and my stomach sank. I know later you told me you were just hesitant but that memory is stuck in my head. there were many magical kisses and moments after that though. you gave me so much. I loved you. I loved you as well as I had the ability to at the time at least. but things got in the way. as is life. I trusted you, I trusted you for a really long time. then the day I saw your Instagram dms that trust wavered. it wavered big time. maybe you didn’t understand, but that was first thing that set off a domino effect to the end of us. I have anxiety. and depression. And I hate to compare, but you never understood me like he did. No one has. I remember when I first really started talking about my anxiety attacks and my depression, you told me to “not focus on the negative and surrounding myself with negative things.” In that moment my whole chest ached. You didn’t get it. you never got me like he did. and that’s why i have to leave

-this ones for me

[wizardslipperz]

i’ve figures out i’m depressed and i don’t really know who to tell bc it hasn’t been confirmed by a doctor but i’ve felt like straight shit for a while. i hate that i’m so fucking sad all the time. i hate that i’ve stopped caring about the people that used to matter to me the most. i hate that i’ve let them treat me like shit and i dont even do anything about it. i hate that i can’t even confront them because i just don’t care enough. i don’t. i really don’t care enough. i only want to go home. i want to go home even though it’s not home anymore. i just want to be there away from everyone with him. i never wanted to be the friend that ditched all her friends for her man but these days he has become my best friend. i feel like i can share anything with him. and i feel like i can’t do that with anyone else. i just want to move away with him and i want to start my own life outside of this place. i just want to leave.

6-12-19 this ones for me #3

[wizardslipperz]

i just need it right now. i miss that night. it was so dangerous but i wanted it so bad. it was just us, rolling around under the pure white covers in the lowlight. the light of the fish tanks the only thing illuminating the muscles under your skin and the shine in your eyes. it was so nice. i just wanted to show you how much i needed you that night. i know it was sex but it felt pure almost. and afterwards, laying on your chest feeling your heartbeat and dozing was such a beautiful moment i wanted to die right there. your skin was so soft and your arms so warm.

sometimes i hate that night. because i got a feeling of what our life is going to be like someday.

and now, i know exactly what i’m going to be missing for several years until we can be like that again. i just need another taste of that right now.

this one’s for me #2

[wizardslipperz]

i think i dated you and you dated me because we were afraid to lose each other. you were my best friend back when we first met. then i went with him, and you moved away and we fought and it ripped us apart at the seams. it ripped me apart at the seams. so when i finally took the leap i vowed i would never lose you again and the only way to do that was to pour every ounce of my love into you. but before we were dating i was already doing that, i was already pouring all of me into you. because i loved you. you were my best friend and i loved you. i loved you deeply. you knew every single part of me, you’d seen every low point and you still loved me. you were the first person ever that had done that. i miss being your best friend. i don’t really miss dating but i miss being your best friend. i miss going to school and laughing about you eating that whole jar of peanut butter and knowing i was eating lunch with you, and knowing that the teachers hated us being so close, and knowing that when i got anxious in class, your knee was right there against mine to calm me. i miss it. fuck i miss it.

this one’s for me #1

[wizardslipperz]

well here i am again. its been a while and i made a mistake and now I'm just hurting myself and those i love most what am i doing

[wizardslipperz]

damn i love this

[wizardslipperz]

She stared at him,and her breath caught in her throat. She thought over her words very carefully. “Why?!” she wanted to scream in his face. “Why did you text me? Why am I here, talking to you? Why do you talk to me and tell me about how well your life is going right now ? Why do you have a way of just being there that makes me spill every thought out to you even after months of not talking? Why am I still suffering so much? Why am I having doubts about my choice? Why did I ever hurt you? Why did you have to leave? Why couldn’t you just stay here and we could have just gone through high school and made it together? Why’d you have to leave me alone? Why can’t things just go back to the way they were? Why do I still feel like I may love you?” But all she said was,“Hey.”

this one is for you #3

[wizardslipperz]

It was like you were in a small boat headed for a waterfall, and they were screaming your name, begging you to pay attention and talk to them and say your last words to them, because you might never see them again…but you couldn’t do anything. You felt it was better if you just ignored the roaring of the falls and the spray of the water, so it would be less painful when you went over. And you got closer and closer and closer. And they screamed louder and louder, and cried and pulled on your jacket and begged you to just love them. And you ignored it all until between the roaring of the falls and their screaming, your ears started to bleed. But you didn’t let them see it. You wiped the blood and stared them in the eyes as they started to go over the side. You silently hoped they would see the pain in your eyes. That you were just acting. That you were being selfish and didn’t want them to see you suffer. God, you suffered. You still do when things get quiet, huh? I never hugged him goodbye. Why did I never do that? I regret that so much. More than anything else I’ve ever failed to do. I at least owed him that. I’m so sorry.

this one is for you #2