Turning 19
When i think about the fact im turning 19 in a few weeks, several thoughts come to mind. First i think of what people associate with turning 19.
People say turning 19 changes your outlook on life, that you experience things you could've never expected. Fall in love to such a degree that it factory resets your views on relationships. I just cant bring myself around to believe such things will happen to me.
Alot of the time when i think of my age, while this might be weird, i feel a close bond to 16. Maybe thats because it was one of the most uncomfortable, challenging, life changing years of my life. So the thought that 19 could be so much crazier and world shifting is a thought that just goes over my head.
I know that not everyones lives are the same, and not a single thing can be expected for anyone, but while it could be the echo chamber i've gotten sucked into, it seems like such a common phenomenon.
But then why can't i believe it? I suppose there is fear in the uncertainty. The fact that it could be crazy and overwhelming and a time to look back on with regret and remorse for what you should have or should not have done. However id argue me real fear lies in the fact it could be nothing.
I think when we look back at a previous post of mine a clear and common fear of mine has been the lack of a future. The idea that, thats it. theres nothing else after this, youve had your fun, now its over. You have experienced everything your life has to offer you and it will be this forever unchanging loop of your everyday routine. I could just summarize it as a fear of the mundane. Of a regular nothing that eats at my joy and soul until there are no hopes and dreams left.
I truthfully have no idea where this fear stemmed from, but its one thats been controlling my narrative for a very long time. Leading me to act slightly irrationally at some points, maybe in specific with my love life or whatever you want to call the dying corpse that is my love life.
I wish i knew why i felt these fears. or why exactly sometimes i feel perfectly secure in the fact the everything will be fine, while others i feel this enormous wave of panic that my life may not continue forward.
At some points its even comical, i'll do it to myself. I remember my 16th birthday very well. I remember when i didnt get hoards of messages bombarding me telling me happy birthday on the dot. i remember the longing i felt after looking backwards at who ive been, wanting to tell her it was all going to be okay. That i didn't need those people in my life. Ever since it has become a sort of tradition for me to NOT look at my phone that night. to sit alone and reflect on what happened in the past year and to write about the parts i enjoyed or hated in my diary. However, i can also remember how i felt that night, after slowly but surely, my friends came out of the wood works to wish me a happy birthday.
I hate to admit how much a simple happy birthday i remembered! can affect me.
To go back to the original point, im scared of turning 19. Not for what it might bring, but for what it might not bring.
