I have always wanted to do this -- where I talk to my future self. But somehow I always felt lazy to do so. Especially in video form. So here I am, a 25 year-old Fafa (one month before turning 26, shhh ;p), writing to 30-year old Fafa a sincere letter.
Hey Fadwa, not sure where to begin or what to say. So I'll start by stating where I am now, and where I would like to be by then. Today, I am in a good place in my life mentally. All those self-loathing, depressing thoughts are close to non-existant. I don't overthink like before, but I still have those occasional anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, if there's one issue that I am still not able to surpass is my body image and body dysmorphia. Especially the past few months, where I found myelf gaining weight and surrounded by people who are really triggering in terms of body image and body expectations. But whenever I feel like I'm about to spiral down into a rabbit hole, I'm able to just take a deep breath and trust the process. I introduced EMS to my life which makes me feel stronger and healthier. And I try, as much as I can, to control my food. Hopefully, I do see an improvement in my body soon. I have to add that I am still struggling with the idea of "what if my tattoo doesn't go away" and I hope that whatever results we get in the next 5 years, we are satisfied with it. So tell me, am I content with my body now?
Today marks my 4th month in this new Epson job. It still feels like a gift but I keep looking to the other side of the fence. I feel like maybe this isn't for me? It feels very boring. It is definetly a good way to make money, and there's room to grow, but am I passionate about it? Am I really invested in whatever I'm selling? No, I'm not. I still don't know what's my calling or what I want for myself. And I'm in no rush. I acknowledge that I have something good in my hand, and I am willing to follow through with it until it unfolds. But it would be nice to know that I got an opportunity later on to try working in a different country for a little while. Or eventually do Master's abroad -- eventhough I don't have the slightest clue what program will I go to. So tell me, am I doing something that speaks of who I really am?
Love... ahhh to love! Please tell me you've found the one. Please tell me that you're in love and happy. And that he's everything you wished for and more. As you know, there's no action whatsoever in the love department in my life. But I am eagerly waiting. I am in a place where I am ready for the big step and even slowly (very slowly) changing my perceptions on children. When I imagine myself head over heels in love with someone, I can't help but imagine the beauty of having children to share with each other. Let's see, I am hopeful. Eventhough I do get evil thoughts sometimes whispering to me that I will never find someone and that I'm not worthy of love. But so far, I've still won over these whispers. So tell me, is he right there next to you?
And finally spirtuality, I have been consistent with my relation to Allah. I haven't missed a prayer since mid of March. I feel purer, cleaner, and in peace. I hope you're maintaining the very hard work I am doing right now and doing even more. Getting closer, removing bad habits, introducing better practices in your life.
I'm too afraid to ask about our family... I hope they're all doing well and happy and alive. Just know starting recently, I am trying to improve my relationship with Papa. Since he came back from Gaza, I have reached a realization of how much he means to me, and that I want to salvage whatever we have left and even build on it. I just really hope everyone's happy. I hope Mama's health is great. And please tell me we got her the house of her dreams. You know how much I love Mama, I love her ظالمة او مظلومة, she is my purpose. So I hope you have good news for me here Fadwa.
And that's it Fadwita! Tell me, I want to hear from you. But for now, I am taking it one step at a time. And trying to be patient, cause I have a feeling that good things are about to happen and they're just around the corner!
