Just a warning, this is gonna get kinda dark and messed up, so,,
Uhm, TW gore, blood, broken bones, falling, trains, fear, trauma
I had a thought but i really dont know how to put it into words, but imma try
Basically its this: bad things happen in one of two ways. Either everything is completely normal and then something terrible comes out of the blue, like an accident, or its starts mounting little by little.
The second one also happens one of two ways. Either you CAN stop it, but you dont, like some health things or even some environmental things, (though, thats not the fault of the individual, except the 500 individuals it IS the fault of), OR you cant stop it, and you just have to watch as something terrible slowly starts to encroach on your life. Like being tied to train tracks and not being able to do anything about the train thats coming.
Theres,,, honestly not much point to this. Its just an interesting thought that came to me.
Like, a lot of terrible things,,, they just happen. You get in a car accident that changes your life forever, or theres a bombing no one saw coming. Stuff like that.
But theres also something to be said for having a mounting fear, and the complete helplessness that comes with it. And, honestly, this ones the worse one. In my experience at least.
Like, i had two of them in the same day. One directly related to the other.
Basically, i was having a normal day, and my friends and i decided to go to a local hangout spot. This spot was a bridge that went over active train tracks. One sec, i have pictures
Its in the middle of nowhere, so nobody really bothers about having the cops called for loitering or disturbances. I know you can get the cops called on you if youre hanging out at the park. You can also stay here past curfew.
So. My friends and i went there. And we were dicking around, being kids. I was the second oldest, at 17. The youngest was 14 or 15 i think. But. I leaned back, because there was supposed to be a railing, but there wasnt because some asshole named dominick ripped it off a few weeks before. So. I fell. 30 ft. Broke a bunch of stuff. Om like kinda traumatized now i guess. I still have a limp and i cant sit or stand for very long. And im terrified of literally any height. The single step to get out of my house freaks me out. If i look at it too long i can have a panic attack. Its kinda bad.
But honestly, after i was on the ground, it was over with. I didnt know i broke my back at that point, so i didnt know that if i moved wrong i could sever my spinal cord. As far as i knew, that was as bad as it was going to get. Except. I was laying on active train tracks. There was probably a train coming. And because of how i was laying, i probably wouldnt have died quickly. I might not have even died. I would have probably been an amputee though. Because my leg was over the track and i couldnt move it because it was broken so badly. And. We called 911 but we didnt know what the bridge was called. We didnt know where we where. I was trapped.
A couple that lived nearby came by because they were coming home. They talked to the police for us and told them where we were. The lady put her jacket over me. She was nice. Except. I later found out that neither of them were usually home, and that this was a very rare occurrence.
Also, before i left, there was a train. They got it stopped in time, but it was close enough that if the couple had been even a minute later, it might have hit me. Because there was a slight curve right before the bridge. And there were enough trees that they couldnt see me. I remember that terror. That fear. That i could do absolutely nothing. The only option would have been for my friends to carry me to the side. But both of my legs were broken, and i later learned my back was too.
I dont like thinking about what would have happened if that couple hadnt come when they did. But sometimes. Sometimes i cant help it. The thought just. Comes in my head and i cant make it go.
And sometimes, when im trying to sleep. I close my eyes, and all i can think of is the moment my feet touched the ground, and i felt and heard my leg snap in half. The moment of pure terror, when i used the momentum of the fall to roll onto my stomache. The feeling of not being able to breathe at all because of the impact. The pain in my chest that i now know was because my sternum cracked. The desperate need to let somebody know i was there. The fear when all i could do was scream. The fear when i couldnt even do that. My friends screams. The anger that i felt when they almost didnt call 911 because they had stuff they shouldnt have. The raw fascination and bland terror when i could see my bone and muscle from the cut in my arm. The jolt of fear when the officer got there and was checking me over and said "her leg is... obviously deformed".
I dont know how to cope sometimes. I barely talk to any of the people that were there. I dont know anybody else thats been through something like this and i cant even bring myself to tell my therapist.
Id never even broken a bone before and then suddenly i broke 12. Id never been in a hospital for myself and now i know nurses by name.
I remember being so disoriented because the morphine they had me on for a week made me have really vivid dreams of going about my normal day. I remember waking up a little from my surgeries and just being in so much pain.
I just. Sometimes i get so scared.
