hello! i am in my new House. Fox is in a House. wack. and they said it couldnt be done!!
the crises seem to be thinning out and i am setting up my computer this week. yay!!
dark realities below for the curious/informed. sorry.
not going to sugarcoat this shit: the healthcare situation is Not Improving. if anything, it's deteriorating.
The waiting lists for all three pain clinics have long bybassed the "one year" mark; nobody is coming to help, nobody is going to teach me how to improve my poorly-understood condition. The specialty aspect of these clinics is CRUCIAL, and yet they remain about as accessible to me as the moon. yay. We also still havent finished the fucking... diagnostic testing for my abnormal breast stuff, so i feel very much like waste being cleaned up to make room for Real Patients.
The neglect is stupefying, and i am now living my life as though doctors are not real. This sux, but it is easier. I've since stopped crying and started eating again.
maybe this situation will change. i am not confident it will. but i do welcome it.
the fact is: i remain very sick and need even higher doses of lyrica now for mgmt. i dont think i will ever Come Back to the way things were. this is a harsh reality that promises even more loneliness and im struggling to cope.
but... i am focusing on my garden, my atelier, and establishing the new daily routine. i am sketching a little bit every day and my markers have been unpacked. I got my stationery out to finally write some long overdue letters, and my workstation is almost ready for making stuff.
but yeah um. My condition is getting worse. and so is my mind. I am definitely cracking and my mind is broken. There's a lot i havent included because it doesnt ultimately matter but yeah.
this is how crazy people are made. It's scary to recognize that I'm only two support failures away from a lethal fent addiction. that frightens me. if youre smart it should frighten you too.
Pain sux. Hopefully this doesnt happen to you.
anyway. my birthday is this week (its own crisis lol) and im trying to prepare my mind for commissions by mid month. so mebbeeeeee if you know somebody who wants some portraits done, mebbe show em my portfolio? tell em i'm opening soon? as a treat?
lol. anyway.
i love you. i miss you. i wish things were different.
drink water, tell your people you love them, make something new, sniff a plant, smile at your non toothache.
i love you.
