If you feel blocked, stuck, repressed, scared (also of trusting and letting go, of feeling vulnerable but safe with others)... it may have something to do with the environment in which you grew up.
Your caregiver/s was/is probably someone with anger issues, that used to get even more easily angered when things didn't follow a specific plan that pleased them (any sudden change in the stability or habitual life felt too much to bear with for them), or if they felt even barely sick. Someone who may have had also light confidence issues and other fears.
And you, in order to not have them yell against you for no real reason or the slight annoyance, learned to stay silent, and just do your job. You almost became a shadow whenever you happened to understand it was a wrong day for them. You probably always tried to make things better and please them and others too. To save yourself from the pain of yelling and feeling wrong or being accused of all that was going on when you had no fault.
You may have also been controlled a lot by them or someone else. And you never felt free to express yourself cause they always had to comment on you, your decisions, your acts, your behaviour. To point out all you did. To give you their unsolicited and at times also rude opinion. You may have also realized they used to lie around (about you too), gaslight or guilt trip you, not just in those occasions but in others as well, especially when the fault was theirs.
All this ofc has been playing in the back of your head, no matter how many good days you could experience. Take time to understand you have no fault, you have no guilt, you can do whatever you want to do and even if others comment or judge you, it's only how they got used to act and think, and are probably only projecting onto you.
I hope you can find the strenght to forgive yourself cause you did all you could and you did amazing. And that you can remind yourself of your real worth and find your way out of this cage. You don't deserve to stay there.
To Love A Killer (Serial Killer! Markus x Simon.) (Chapter Eight.)
Authors Note- And here we are with Chapter Eight of To Love A Killer. Now this chapter will feature some really dark stuff, such as poor Simon kind of getting a hint of what really goes on and Markus finding out that something is wrong and...well I’m not going to spoil anymore of this story for you here. So just so you know this chapter will feature a lot of stuff, like someone having issues with control, or losing control. So if none of this is your cup of tea then this is where we part way but I’ll remember our time fondly. Now without further ado let’s get on with the story.
Chapter Eight: The Truth Comes Out
“Sir?” Connor asked, brow furrowing as the blonde man before him was silent, blue eyes staring at Connor and Hank as they stood there.
Blinking a few times the man nodded, before swallowing audibly. “I-I’m sorry I just woke up.” He added, his cheek flushing slightly.
Connor offered a smile. Wondering who this man could be to Markus? A friend? A lover? Or was Markus turning towards men as his next string of victims? Connor didn’t know but what he did know was if he didn’t find Markus there would be more victims. Shaking that thought from his head he looked to the man once more-
“Markus isn’t home.” The man said, jerking Connor from his thoughts, causing him to look at the blonde man. Heart sinking. Where could Markus be? Could he be out hunting for his next victim. Someone he could immortalize in a painting like he done before?
“May we come in?” Hank asked, as Connor fell silent, once again lost in thought.
Silence fall over the trio. The man looked worried as if he didn’t know what to do when finally. “S-sure, I-I’m sure Markus wouldn’t mind.”
Moving out of the way to allow the duo of police officers in Simon cast a glance outside, as if willing Markus to appear and deal with this. Heart thundering in his chest as he thought back to the bloodstained blades in the the basement.
“Would you gentlemen like some coffee?” he offered, moving to the kitchen, the two of them following after him.
“We would love some.” Hank said, taking a seat at the table, Connor following suit.
Offering a nervous smile Simon worried at his bottom lip. “So,” he started, as he went about the motions of making coffee. “What is this all about?” Why was he getting so worried about this? Maybe it was nothing, maybe they were here because Markus’ name came up in their investigation and they wanted to ask him something?
“You read or watch the news?” Hank asked, leaning back in his seat, as Connor looked around the room, looking for as sign of where Markus could be.
“I do. Is this...is this about those murders?” Simon asked. “What do you think Markus might have to do with this?”
“We just wanted to ask him some routine questions.” Connor spoke up, taking a sip of his coffee, relishing the warmth washing over him. “About where he was last night.”
“I can answer that.” Simon spoke up, as he sat at the table with them, his own cup of coffee sitting untouched in front of him. “He was with me.”
“All night?” Connor asked.
Simon nodded, watching how the younger Detective’s eyes seemed to narrow at that. “Did Markus go anywhere else last night?”
Simon shook his head. “He and I went to some art exhibit and then straight home.”
“And what is your relationship with Mr. Manfred?” Hank asked.
Simon hesitated. Thoughts going back to last night, images of Markus looming over him, his lips peppering kisses to every inch of Simon’s skin. Shaking that thought from his head he looked to the Detective’s as they looked at him expectantly. “We’re dating.” That seemed to be the safest answer, at least to him.
The two Detective’s nodded, as the older one jotted something down in his notebook.
“Is...there anything else you wish you ask me.” Simon asked.
“One more thing.” Connor spoke up, reaching into his pocket for something. “Do you recognize any of the women in these photo’s?”
Upon looking down at the photos laid out before him Simon felt his blood run cold. As women, the very same women he recognized from Markus’ paintings stared up at him with lifeless eyes. Oh God...
Tearing his eyes away from the pictures he looked to the Detective’s, gathering his nerves before shaking his head. “Can’t say I have. Well... I recognize this one from the news,” Simon said, pointing to the picture of their latest victim. “But the other ones no I can’t say I do... Detective’s do you...are you suspecting Markus of these...murders?”
The older man shook his head, as he got up from his seat, empty coffee cup discarded in front of him. “We’re just investigating every lead we can. I just thought that Mr. Manfred might be able to shed some light on the case.” Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulled out a card and slid it across the table to Simon.
Who took it with some reluctance.
“If you remember anything don’t hesitate to call. And if Mr. Manfred returns could you please get him to call us, just so we can get his side of the story?”
Nodding Simon watched as the two Detective’s headed towards the front door, the younger one casting glances at him from over his shoulder every once in a while.
Watching as they left Simon locked the door, and leaned against it. Markus was the killer...or he knew someone who could be a killer. But Simon concluded as he pocketed the card, his heart thundering as he struggled to process this information. Of course he was a killer, Markus was too perfect, too...too wonderful. And when it came to relationships wonderful things never lasted for Simon. Though the thought that the man whom he found himself falling for was a killer was new. He couldn’t help but feel sick, sick that he had spent time with a killer, had let someone who had no problem torturing and killing women fuck him. He felt sick...
But...But maybe he was jumping to conclusions, maybe they were wrong? Maybe they had the wrong guy. NO. Simon shook his head furiously. There was no way, those paintings that was NOT a coincidence. Markus was involved. He...needed to get out of here. Need to get away from this house, away from the man in question, and when he was good and far away from Markus he would let him know...let him know that it wasn’t going to work out and that they should see other people.
Simon hoped, truly hoped that his rejecting him wouldn’t send Markus down a war path. Wouldn’t cause him to go on some even bigger killing spree because of his rejection. Hell, call him selfish but he hoped Markus only went for women, he didn’t want to be his next victim or something like that. Running his hands through his hair he worried at his bottom lip. What should he do? However before Simon to think of what to do next he heard the front door open...
***
That took longer than Markus hoped it would. But when it came to North needing his help he could never say no, well, he could but he’d just end up feeling like a complete dick about it. But now it was done and he had returned home, heart thundering in his chest he hoped Simon had stayed a little while. Markus was in the mood to see how many times he could make him scream his name. Inserting the key into the lock he opened the door, and was greeted by the sight of Simon. A smile blossoming across Markus’ face as he moved towards Simon.
“Well, hello.” Markus purred, as he drew closer, his hands resting on Simon’s hips, as he moved to kiss Simon. Frowning when Simon pressed his hands firmly to his chest, stopping him.
“Ah, good morning.” Simon greeted, flushing slightly but Markus could tell something was off as he wouldn’t meet his gaze. He seemed...uncomfortable. “I-I’m sorry but work just called and one of my co-workers called in sick so I...need to hurry to work.”
Markus was silent for a moment eyes glued to the smaller man. He was lying. There was something wrong. Worrying at his bottom lip Markus wondered if he should ask him what was wrong? Or let it go. “Are you okay?” he asked, after a while.
Forcing to meet Markus’ gaze Simon forced a smile to his face as he nodded. “I’m fine, just a little sore from last night is all. And pissed...I was hoping we could spend time doing that again but alas duty calls.”
Markus pouted at those words. “Indeed, because I was thinking the same thing.” Leaning down he pressed a kiss on Simon’s forehead, before moving to take Simon’s hand. “But there is always next time. C’mon I’ll give you a ride to work.”
Taking his hand Simon allowed Markus to lead him out of the house and towards his car. His cheeks flushing as he remembered when he...he...
“Simon?” Markus called, jerking him out of his thoughts, a concerned look on his face as he looked back at Simon.
“I’m sorry, did you say something?” he asked.
“I was wondering if you would like to go dinner sometime during the week?” Markus asked, brow furrowing slightly.
Great, Simon said. Markus knew something was up. That wasn’t going to make things easier in the long run. “Um, I’ll have to see what days I have off but sure.”
Seeing Markus smile at that Simon felt himself relax as he eased himself into the passenger seat. Allowing Markus to drive him to work. Staring out the window as he thought of the perfect way to break it off with Markus.
***
“He knows something.” Connor mused, as he drove back to the precinct.
“You think?” Hank asking, turning away from the window to glower at his partner. “What gave it away, the fact that the kid looked like he was about to piss himself the moment we walked into the house? Or the way he looked at the photos of our victims?”
“Both.” Connor said, as he pulled into the parking lot, and got out of his car. Reaching into his pocket for a cigarette, lighting it he took a drag of it as he looked up at the dreary sky. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Indicating the coming storm.
“You saying he might be a suspect?” Hank asked, moving to stand beside Connor as he leaned against the wall of the DPD.
Connor shook his head. “No, but he might know something.”
“Like the guy he’s fucking might have a penchant for butchering beautiful young women in his free time?”
“Stranger things have happened, Hank. You think he’d be the first guy to know a serial killer? Or be with someone who was a serial killer without knowing it?”
“But you think he knows something, hence the way he reacted during our visit?” Hank asked, plucking the cigarette from Connor’s fingers, and taking a drag.
Connor nodded. “Maybe I’ll be able to dig something up next time I go visit Markus. Assuming he’s home next time I go.”
Hank looked to his partner, opening his mouth he was about to say something, when Chris Miller walked out. An excited look on his face as he headed in their direction.
“Detective’s we found something.”
Feeling their hearts skip a beat the two Detective’s looked to Chris.
“What kind of something?” Hank asked. Hoping it wasn’t another dead end.
“We found camera footage, of your suspect following your latest victim.” Chris said.
“Are you shitting me?” Connor asked, dropping his cigarette to the ground, dark eyes wide.
“Do I look like someone who would pull shit like this?” Chris asked. Watching as the two Detective’s looked to each other before following Chris into the precinct.
Heading towards Chris’ desk as the officer gestured to his computer. Taking a seat at Chris’ desk Connor pushed the play button on the video. Heart thundering in his chest as his eyes focused on the screen, seeing their latest victim was seen walking down the busy street. Unaware of the man slowly following behind her. Notepad in one hand, his mis-matched eyes glued on the woman. A predatory look in them as he watched her.
Biting down on his bottom lip Connor paused on their suspect and zoomed in, a grim grin splitting his face as their suspects face was revealed to them. One Markus Manfred. Connor leaned back in his seat. Eyes glued to the screen. They got him, all they needed to do was find away to get Markus and all of this would be over...
***
“Funny.” Josh muttered, as he sat across from Simon and Daniel a few days later, a smirk on his lips as he took a sip of his coffee. “I could have swore that you two were going to work out. What made you change your mind?”
“Nothing, it just...we were just too different.” Simon said, looking down at his untouched food, ever since he had found out about Markus he hadn’t been able to eat, or sleep for that matter.
Whenever he tried to get some sleep Simon was haunted by nightmares of being strapped to a gurney. Markus looming over him, scalpel gleaming in the light before he brings it down to slice into his flesh. Before that could happen though Simon always managed to wake up screaming, and had more than once woke Daniel up. Who had to deal with poor Simon screaming like a banshee whenever he burst into his brothers room. Simon was half surprised the cops hadn’t come banging on their door cause someone reported the racket.
“Didn’t seem too different given the way you two to talk non-stop.” Daniel spoke up, casting his brother a sideways glance before looking to Josh. “It was like living with a teenage girl with her first crush or some shit. Talk, talk, talk non-stop. So quit bull-shitting what happened. You spent the night with him was the sex that bad?”
Simon flushed and shook his head. “No i-it was fine.” More than fine if he had any say.
“Then was is it?” Daniel pried. “You don’t just dump some guy just like that.” He said, snapping his fingers.
Simon shrugged. “I just felt like it’s not working is all. A-and besides I need to focus on my studies anyways s-so I should do that before anything else. That’s what you always told me.” Simon said, looking to Daniel, eyes narrowed slightly.
Daniel looked to Josh, seeing that they weren’t going to get anything out of Simon the two of them shrugged and decided to let the subject go. Choosing instead to change the subject to something else. Watching as Simon got up from his seat, saying that he needed to make a phone call. The two of them watching as Simon moved towards the bathroom as Simon gathered his courage to do what he needed to do...
***
Markus was pathetic. He thought as his phone rang, Simon’s name showing on the caller ID. He shouldn’t be getting this excited over a phone call. But it had been a few days since they had talked and Markus had ached to hear Simon’s voice in his ear.
“Well, hello.” Markus cooed, as he picked up after the third ring.
“Hi, Markus.” Simon greeted.
The smile melting from Markus’ face as Simon’s tone. Something was wrong.
“Are you okay?” Markus asked, as he sat back in his seat.
Simon hesitated, worrying at his bottom lip between his teeth. How was he going to do this? Should he let him down gently, or soften the blow? “Markus...” He started.
“Simon?” Markus asked, brow furrowed in concern.
“I-I don’t think this is going to work.”
It was those few words that stopped Markus in his tracks. What did he mean, he couldn’t mean... he couldn’t mean that could he?
“I mean, don’t get me wrong but I don’t think I want to be in a relationship with you. Or...I guess with anyone really.” Simon said, trying to ignore the silence on the other end. Guilt gripping him as these words spilled past his lips.
Markus had been wonderful, up until...until...No, Simon wasn’t going to think on that.
“Was is something I did?” Markus asked after a while. Anger swelled in his chest at Simon. At the audacity he had to leave him. When Markus had thought that things were going so well too.
“No, Markus, You were wonderful. I just don’t think it’s going to work. I really am sorry.” And before Simon could let Markus say anything else he hung up... Leaving Markus in absolute silence.
He was gone. He was alone. The man he had thought about, had dreamed about, had fucked in this very bed had left him. Markus gritted his teeth, tears of anger spilled down his cheeks as he looked down at his phone. Simon’s image smiling back at him, letting out a cry of outrage Markus flung his phone across the room. Watching as it hit the wall with a satisfying crack, the screen of it was now cracked. Marring that beautiful face on it.
No, Markus thought as he sat on the edge of his bed. He wasn’t going to give up so easily, Simon would see the error of his ways, whether he wanted to or not. But Markus knew he couldn’t go after Simon while he was still angry, still hurt. He needed something to help blow some steam. And he did just clean off his blades earlier today after seeming to forget to do it earlier.
Suddenly, as if by some sort of twisted fate Markus heard footsteps on the floor below. A wicked smile forming on his face, it looked like Leo was up to his old ways. No matter, Markus thought as he got up from his bed, drying his tears. Markus would take care of him, and then he would work on winning Simon back...things would work out in the end. He knew they would he just knew it.
Gathering his nerves he slowly made his way down the stairs. Catching sight of his brother making his way towards their fathers art room. No doubt looking to steal something to fuel his drug habit.
***
This was going to be easy. Leo thought as he crept through the house, his house. Well, his father’s house that his asshole brother had inherited when the old bastard had kicked the bucket. But this house was just as much his as anyone’s, and yet here he was creeping around like a damn thief. But that was his father and brothers fault. If they just gave him some money when he needed it then he wouldn’t have to do this. But he needed his fix. And beside it wasn’t like he was going to take anything Markus would miss, just a few of their father’s paintings.
And if Markus did get in his way...well, Leo thought darkly, the blade heavy and hot in his hands. Well, he didn’t want to hurt his own brother, but-
“Oh, Leo...” Markus sounded from behind him. Sounding tired. “You never do know when to quit do you?”
Leo was silent. Teeth clenched. “Look,” he hissed, gripping his blade tightly in his hand, flash light in the other. “I’m just going to take a few of dad’s paintings that’s all I don’t want to fight you, so just let me take what I want and I’ll be gone. I don’t want to hurt you. But I will if you force me too.” He warned.
Markus chuckled somewhere in the darkness, before Leo felt Markus wrap his arm around his neck. making Leo cry out. “I feel the same way, but... you’ve tested my patience for the last time.” He said, and squeezed.
Cutting Leo’s airway off, and before Leo could so much as fight back aside from the slash across his brothers knuckles, causing blood to trickle on to the floor. A plea escaping his lips as the darkness rose up to swallow him whole.
Markus watched as Leo went limp. His grin turning sadistic as he looked down at his brother. It was time he switched things up, after all killing beautiful women was fun, but it did get old after a while. It was time for something new....
one a problem may give you frustration or anger cause you can't solve it or have no control over it (and that's okay, we cannot control everything: that's not our duty, even if we were probably "taught" so in our childhood; and it's also okay to feel angry or frustrated too). but what many do to "free themselves" from the excess of energy accumulated (basically to cope with it cause they are emotionally immature and weren't given the keys to control/welcome their emotions -especially negative ones as they were taught these aren't right- and work on their triggers) is to throw frustration and anger over any other small annoyance or "wrongness" they come around (people included).
what I want to say is, especially when there are anger issues or unresolved problems: it's often very likely that people are not reacting to the real trigger, but to a similar one which they feel "okay/safer" to throw themselves at. basically: the addition of this unpredictable/sudden annoyance's energy (that seems even bigger than what it is) to the already triggered and stressed mind/body's energy imbalance, feels unbearable and uncontrollable: they basically cannot block the energy's excess anymore and since they haven't processed the original problem correctly, they react to the "wrong"/smaller negative thing by making it bigger and also bringing it different consequences especially if there are other people involved (e.g. child growing up with parents having anger issues: parents may feel more "at ease" overreacting to anything their kid does also cause they are in an "higher position" compared to their child. I mean, they cannot overreact with their boss, for example. -beware: not saying it's right, AT ALL. cause it's not. plus, children do not have the emotional knowledge to understand their parents' problem/overreaction is unrelated with them... not even most adults have it, how may they. how may had you. forgive yourself, please: try to stop carrying around all this anger and pain, it's not gonna help you in any way).
Okay uh, little bit of confession time? Cause despite the vents and shit I am actually not that good of a person… I’m trying to not be down right horrible and y’all should be aware of both my faults and the fact that I know about them and am trying
This isn't for pity or anything, and I don't even really want to be making this post but, I just want y'all to know
Sooooo….this sucks but I love you guys/p/fam so I’m gonna be honest
I get angry, easily, it’s not great and I’m aware of it but I’m a naturally a very angry person and pretty much anything and anyone can annoy me if you just give it a little bit of effort
I’m not going to act like I’ve never hit or thrown anything at someone before or yelled in their face and screamed at them but I am going to acknowledge that I no longer do that, I'd never lay a hand on someone with the intention of hurting them unless they have done so to me first
I hit when I’m hit and that’s it, I have far better control over that than I used to, the yelling I’m still working on but it’s better than it used to be
My apathy isn’t great but it’s mostly just there, I run on a “desensitization doesn’t mean disrespect” policy so that generally makes it a non-issue
I live either in anger or in apathy but that isn’t 100% all the time
I’m not great at sympathetic reactions though, there’s a word for that I think kinda describes it for me in German and it’s “schadenfreude”
That basically translates to malicious happiness, I’m not like a full sadist or anything but if something bad happens my instinct is to laugh at it, not at anything severe in real life but if idk someone tripped and fell down the stairs and wasn’t severely hurt or injured then I’d probably end up laughing at them, it comes off as mean really easily but it’s not meant to be that way, it’s just how I am idk why
I am undeniably selfish, I grew up spoiled, I am both an only child and until recently had parents that made more money than a good portion of my friends, that's not me trying to brag, I'm being honest, back before my father started being a complete idiot he was making ten thousand a month, we had good health insurance, could afford nice houses and my parents have almost always had two vehicles, I literally spent a good portion of my life as a toddler in a princess dress when I wasn't sick or at the doctors
I am spoiled, and consciously try to not be entitled or braggy but fuck is it hard sometimes and it shouldn't be
I growing up had good parents, they weren't perfect by any means and one of them is an actual piece of shit now, but I had a good childhood. Most of my mental shit isn't from trauma but likely genetics and my brains probable inability to properly regulate it's chemicals
My mother and I fight a lot, she doesn't hit as much as I make it seem, and she never let my father lay a hand on me, if he did she'd kill him
We both instigate arguments and we both aren't great at walking away from them without either trying to reinitiate it or just... continuing to yell after the person, we are both stubborn and bad at yielding
My mother has gone through a lot of shit that she doesn't deserve, and I am religious (Christian) and believe in miracles, and the one thing she wanted was a daughter and here I am
I am worse than the sister she prayed I wouldn't be like, I am rude and insensitive and am both occasionally straight up ungrateful and when I am grateful I'm horrible at showing it
I am bad at telling people that I love them, and don't actually know what familial love feels like, I know that I care and what romantic love feels like but idk it's weird that I'm like this/neu
I know it doesn't seem that way online but I assure you that if/when we meet irl the most likely response to "I love you" that you'll get will just be "okay" with no real facial expression, pressing to make me actually say it just makes me nervous and visibly uncomfortable, online it's easy though idk why
My mom loves me, I know this, despite her faults and mine, and no I'm not excusing shit she's done, she has stuff to work on and change, but I also have a tendency to believe that I'm 100% in the right and have done nothing wrong, that's not true and holy shit am I good at starting shit and causing problems
I'm good at taking offense or acting like I do even if I don't, I'm sarcastic and rude and generally really bitchy, my mom is 99% of the time very very positive and an overall optimist, I am very much not that
When I can read people I'm very good at verbally hitting people where it hurts, arguing with me is either just over all horrible or exceedingly hurtful, I have a not great memory but when it comes to fighting I will easily bring up anything negative that someone has done and can very very easily drive a metaphorical knife into them with it
I am bad at forgiveness and bad at apologizing, I hold grudges forever
My instinct is self pity and wallowing, but I am far better at apologizing to people than I used to be
I have a, now less bad, fear of the consequences of my actions, I can be unintentionally manipulative when I don't want to get in trouble or someone to be mad at me, like when I was younger I have started crying before to try to not get into trouble
Never with the mindset of "oh let me manipulate my way out of this" but instead "oh shit oh shit oh shit I don't want to get in trouble" and yeah idk why my brain goes to "get out of this" instead of "just fucking apologize damn it" but I understand that that's manipulative be it intentionally or not and it doesn't happen as much anymore and I'm working on it
...cool, so, uh that's me, real me, I'm actually kinda a horrible person, and while I'm aware that no one is 100% a good person, I also understand that I'm not someone that anyone would call a good person, but again I do love you all, at least as much as I think I can, and I'm trying
Totally understand if we aren't moots after this, that's y'all's decision, not mine, and I respect that
Merry Christmas, and whenever evening hits, Happy Hanukkah
