okay, it got really squished but I can upload it now, lol. I wanted to animate this characters hair tail thing swingin around. OC belongs to Cavaskier on AF
Season’s Greetings, in the form of Nonsense from My Cursed Transformers Series to Make Up for the Heavier Posts Because I’m Not Totally Dead Inside
If you’re new here and want some context, check the #tfp wheeljack in tfa tag.
If you don’t care about context and just jump right in, then… I am so sorry. 😂
…
TFP Wheeljack: Accidentally indulged in too much ‘me time’. Turns out I’ve been reported missing for over ten years and presumed dead by most local and intergalactic authorities.
…
Breakdown: *speaking with some Vehicons* And of course, there are the Wreckers.
Steve: The Wreckers?
Knockout: *here for the drama* They’re the Autobots’ flashiest unit. If the ‘Bots had their own magazine, then the Wreckers would always be on the cover. *gesture* First off, there’s Bulkhead. He is one of the clumsiest mechs you will ever meet. Breakdown used to work with him, before the war.
Breakdown: *deadpan* He can construct a bridge in a day and take it right back down in less than ten seconds on accident.
Knockout: And the little one? That’s Wheeljack, former Kimia scientist.
Breakdown: If we still had a planet, he’d be totally rich because he invented caffeinated Energon.
Knockout: *sip* And while he pretends he doesn’t care, Wheeljack knows everybody’s business—everything about everyone.
Breakdown: That’s why his helmet’s so big, it’s full of secrets!
Knockout: And law and order takes Cybertronian form in Ultra Magnus. Don’t be fooled, ‘cause he may seem like your typical selfless, noble, reasonable ‘goody two shoes’—but in reality, he is so much more than that.
Breakdown: He’s the commander, the former second-in-command of the Autobots. Those other two are just his soldiers.
Knockout: Ultra Magnus. How do I even begin to explain Ultra Magnus?
*movie-style scene cut*
Agent Fowler: *looking over the incident reports from the rest of the Autobots* Ultra Magnus is flawless.
TFP Optimus: *proud of his student* He pilots the Iron Will and wields the Forge of Solus Prime.
Smokescreen: He got rid of his Elite Guard emblem, so I got rid of mine.
Rafael Esquivel: I hear each of his shoulders are insured for ten-thousand dollars.
Jack Darby: I hear he actually tried to kill Megatron on-sight at Darkmount.
Miko Nakadai: And his favorite movie is Hot Fuzz.
TFP Arcee: *snort* I’ve never seen someone do such a sharp one-eighty spin before than when June first noticed the commander.
June Darby: *face in her hands*
TFP Wheeljack: *arms crossed* One time, he stuck around when we were gettin’ beaten to death by a dragon—and he kept all the grenades he confiscated from me eons ago nice and tidy in his ship until he could return ‘em.
TFP Bulkhead: One time, he punched Shockwave in the face. It was AWESOME.
…
*at the academy*
TFA Optimus: *on hour seven of an assigned reading* This is killing me.
TFA Elita-1: *working on the same reading* Good. Die.
TFA Sentinel, with the data-pad resting on his face: *snore*
…
TFP Wheeljack: *to the TFA ‘Bots* Fellas, we have a mission—a new enemy—and we are not allowed to fail. Sari’s Christmas is countin’ on us.
TFA Prowl: Is this necessary?
TFP Wheeljack: Behold, the true face of EVIL.
…
Sari Sumdac: What’s it like being tall? Is it nice? Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
TFA Bulkhead: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
TFA Bumblebee: It was one time!
…
*the return to TFP*
TFP Bulkhead: *stunned* Wheeljack? What are you doing here?
TFP Wheeljack, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses while holding a Space Martini: My best.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: *turns on the kitchen light*
TFA Prowl: *sitting at the table, feeding bread to forest creatures*
TFP Ultra Magnus: *sigh* It’s four in the morning.
TFA Prowl: Turn the light back off.
…
TFA Bulkhead: Wheeljack told me that brown is just navy orange, and I have never been more disappointed with something I agree with.
…
Sari Sumdac: I wanna be a Wrecker!
TFP Wheeljack, a Wrecker: What the fuck do you want this shit for? I kill people, alright? Their blood is on my hands! Every night, when I go to sleep, I see their FUCKING faces staring at me! Their families weep, and I FEEL NOTHING! I’M DEAD INSIDE!
Miko Nakadai: Man, I want some of that!
…
TFA Optimus: Where is Wheeljack?
TFA Sentinel: I'll do you one better, who is Wheeljack?
TFA Ratchet: *done* Here's a better question, why is Wheeljack?
…
Miko Nakadai: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died. I will not yield.
…
TFA Ratchet: When I met you I thought you were a real pain.
TFP Wheeljack: What changed your mind?
TFA Ratchet: Oh, I still think you’re a pain. I’ve just grown to like that about you.
…
*after the return to TFP*
TFP Arcee: So, what have you been up to?
TFP Wheeljack: Leading a revolution on the other Cybertron with my kids and Doc-‘Bot.
Smokescreen: Uh… Good, for you guys?
TFP Wheeljack: Yeah, it’s been great. And me, personally? I’ve helped the other Optimus totally revamp the educational system and STEM field. You should see my lab.
TFP Wheeljack: *excited* I know! Anyway, have you heard from Megatron since I left?
TFP Optimus: He seems to be happily living as a hermit in space. What of the members of your team who couldn’t be here today?
TFP Wheeljack: Well, Blurr is at a therapy appointment since he was crushed into a cube by a ‘Con spy—which reminds me, we need to check up on him later.
TFP Bumblebee: Did you meet any other alternates of us?
TFP Wheeljack: Yep. An Ultra Magnus.
TFP Bulkhead: What’s he like?
TFP Wheeljack: Dictator.
TFP Ultra Magnus: *done* Yeah, that sounds about right.
…
TFA Jazz: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?
TFP Wheeljack: Can't relate.
TFA Prowl: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins???
…
*the early days*
TFA Bumblebee, standing in TFP Wheeljack’s doorway: You’re not gonna eat us, are you? *squint* You’re not even gonna try! Disappointing.
…
TFA Ratchet: Damn it, the printer broke while printing out Optimus's birthday invitations.
TFP Wheeljack: Well, what are they supposed to say?
TFA Ratchet: "Optimus's Birthday".
TFP Wheeljack: So, what do they say instead?
TFA Ratchet: "Optimus’s Bi".
TFP Wheeljack:
TFA Wheeljack: Works out either way.
…
TFP Megatron: Sweet dog you got there.
Captain Fanzone: Yeah, this is our new drug sniffing dog.
TFP Megatron: Still training, huh?
Captain Fanzone: What do you mean?
TFP Megatron:
TFA Megatron: Never mind.
…
…
TFA Optimus: We either die free, or die trying!
TFA Bumblebee: Are those the only choices?
…
TFA Bulkhead: You can do it, Wheeljack!
TFA Bumblebee: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch.
…
TFA Optimus: *sigh* It’s not that I don’t trust Wheeljack, I just don’t ’t trust his impulse control.
TFA Sentinel: Wheeljack has impulse control?
TFA Optimus: You’re still alive, so-
…
TFA Bulkhead: Ratchet, you're testifying in the case against our reality’s Ultra Magnus tomorrow, and the other Ultra Magnus is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand.
TFA Ratchet: Why? I'm fine on the stand!
*flashback to Testimony #1*
TFA Ratchet: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dum-dums can understand.
TFA Ratchet, to the jury: ‘BOT DID CRIME.
*flashback to Testimony #2*
TFA Ratchet: I'm sorry, could you make him stop doing that weird thing with his face?
TFP Ultra Magnus, next to the defendant: … Crying???
*flashback to Testimony #3*
TFA Ratchet: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer?
…
TFA Ultra Magnus: What is wrong with you?
TFA Optimus: Many, many things... And most of them are your fucking fault.
…
Sari Sumdac, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.
…
TFP Wheeljack: Ultra Magnus likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.
…
TFP Wheeljack: *returning to TFP* Alright, fill me in. Tell me what I missed.
TFP Ultra Magnus: That won’t take long. Only three things happened. Number One, Optimus chipped a denta and had a lisp for a week.
*cut*
TFP Optimus, speaking into the intercom: *tired* May I have your attention, please? The Iacon Hall of Records will be closing to the public in ten minutes.
Patron: *snort*
TFP Optimus: *ready to start biting again* I’m sorry, did I say something amusing to you?
*cut*
TFP Ultra Magnus: Number Two, Bumblebee stood behind Ratchet and mocked everything he did for an entire day without being caught.
*cut*
TFP Ratchet: *scolding TFP Bulkhead* For the last time, DO NOT TOUCH MY EQUIPMENT without clear permission from me!
TFP Bumblebee: *mouthing along, wagging his finger before resting his servos on his hips*
TFP Ratchet: I don’t care how frustrated you are! The next thing you break, you will fix—or there will be severe consequences!
TFP Bumblebee: *throws his servos in the air, shakes a fist*
TFP Bulkhead: *in tears trying not to laugh*
*cut*
TFP Ultra Magnus: And I banned headphones from Iacon due to the Smokescreen Incident.
*cut*
Smokescreen: *dancing along to music only he can hear and mime-singing into the Phase Shifter while the rest of the team battles a group of Decepticons behind him*
…
TFA Prowl: Hey, Optimus—Bumblebee just broke my seashell lamp.
TFA Optimus: Neat. I’m gonna die alone.
TFA Prowl: Okay, you win.
…
TFP Wheeljack: I’ve been described as a ‘reckless maniac’ and a 'little shit’, but I prefer… 'has alternative ways of having fun’.
…
TFA Optimus: *looking around at a gorgeous landscape on TFP Cybertron* Wow, I’ve got to admit—this is actually amazing.
TFP Wheeljack: What’s even more amazin’ is that I signed us up for a seven-hour tour of the canyon!
TFA Bumblebee: I dunno, man. Doesn’t that sound steep and dangerous?
TFP Wheeljack: Please, what could go wrong?
*five hours later*
TFP Wheeljack: *shouting over an acid storm* GET TO THE CAVE IF YOU WANNA LIVE!
TFA Jazz: What about Bulkhead?!
TFA Ratchet: BULKHEAD BELONGS TO THE CANYON, NOW!
…
TFA Optimus: You spent all our money on this???
TFA Prowl, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.
…
TFA Bumblebee: I am a responsible adult!
TFA Bulkhead: *raises optic-brow*
TFA Bumblebee: I am an adult.
…
TFP Wheeljack: *accidentally getting wrapped-up in the reform of TFA Cybertron*
TFA Sentinel: *frustrated* He doesn’t even go here!
…
TFA Prowl, talking to TFA Jazz: Well, Jazz, whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘would Bumblebee do that?’—and if he would, I do not do that thing.
TFA Jazz: …
TFA Bumblebee, from the distance: He’s not wrong though!
…
TFP Ultra Magnus, at Space Starbucks: Can I get a venti Energon with -um- seven espresso shots.
TFP Megatron, in line behind him: Fragging Primus, just do cocaine.
…
TFP Wheeljack, if anyone dared to challenge Sari Sumdac to a snowball fight:
…
Miko Nakadai: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can’t take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth.
…
*what it’s like living with TWO OF THEM*
TFP Ultra Magnus: *deep sigh* One of the Wheeljacks noticed only today that he can label his email inboxes, but he took apart his entire laptop two weeks ago.
TFA Jazz: That reminds me of the Wheeljack who couldn’t turn on the coffee maker, but remembers about 500 digits of pi.
TFP Ultra Magnus: *checking his data-pad again* … I’ll be delighted to inform you that this is the very same Wheeljack.
…
TFA Optimus: *slams down an absolute doorstopper of a tome* I checked this out weeks ago for a bit of light reading.
TFA Bumblebee: This is light?!
…
TFP Wheeljack: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: There's no way he likes me back.
TFA Jazz: Wheeljack would throw himself in front of a moving car for you.
TFP Ultra Magnus: Wheeljack would throw himself in front of a moving car for fun.
…
Sari Sumdac: Ow!
TFP Wheeljack: What’s wrong?
Sari Sumdac: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
TFP Wheeljack: It’s called a ‘stress headache’. I got my first one when I was four.
…
TFP Wheeljack: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
TFA Ratchet, narrating: But he did not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.
TFP Wheeljack: HEY-
…
TFA Prowl: Wheeljack, I know you snuck out to see Ultra Magnus last night.
TFP Wheeljack: If you tell Bumblebee or Ratchet, I swear-
TFA Prowl: Buy my silence.
TFP Wheeljack: Five pounds of bird-feed.
TFA Prowl: Deal.
…
How much the TFA Crew would bundle TFP Wheeljack up against the cold if he’d let them-
…
TFA Bumblebee: Wow. I think I really would’ve gotten along with young Ultra Magnus.
TFP Ultra Magnus: Yes, that’s why I decided to change everything about my life.
…
TFP Wheeljack: How’s trainin’ goin’?
TFA Bumblebee: Terrible. I want to stab everybody there.
TFP Wheeljack: Okay, just don’t get any Energon on your platin’.
TFA Bumblebee: … You shouldn’t be condoning this.
TFP Wheeljack: Don’t tell me how to live my life.
…
TFA Jazz: That’s the longest worm I’ve ever seen.
TFA Prowl: That’s a snake.
…
TFP Wheeljack: *heading out to see TFP Ultra Magnus*
TFA Ratchet: *rolling his optics* Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
TFP Wheeljack: *a little shit* I think I crossed that line when I got a date.
TFA Ratchet: …
TFP Wheeljack: *noticing everything metal around him glowing pink* Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, SORRY-
…
TFA Jazz: When was the last time you cried?
TFA Optimus: Uh, fifteen minutes ago. Why?
TFA Jazz: Really? That recent?
TFA Optimus: Yeah. *voice crack* Is that a issue?
…
TFP Wheeljack, going through a list of council members and reaching TFA Ultra Magnus:
…
TFA Prowl: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.
TFA Ratchet: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
TFA Prowl: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
TFA Bumblebee: Edible.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: *drunk* I’m gonna die alone.
TFP Wheeljack, designated driver: *nervous smile* Magnus, you’re not gonna die alone.
TFP Ultra Magnus: I’m getting older, and I know I’m a lot to put up with—okay? I know, and now: I’m gonna have to go back to using the claw.
TFP Wheeljack: *confused* Uh-huh. Why is that?
TFP Ultra Magnus: *hiccup* Smokescreen was right about it being a signature. If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing—you know? A hook. Like that- That space hermit who takes all of the drugs…
TFP Wheeljack: … Megatron?
TFP Ultra Magnus: That’s the one.
TFP Wheeljack: *snort* Mags-
TFP Ultra Magnus: So I figured I’ll be “Crazy ‘Bot With a Claw”, you know? Crazy Claw ‘Bot.
TFP Ultra Magnus: *shrug* Then I’ll get some pets, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my residence, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY CLAW ‘BOT!
*a few years later*
TFP Ultra Magnus: Please, don’t tell that story at our wedding.
TFP Wheeljack: *chuckle* Well, there goes my whole speech.
…
TFA Bumblebee: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but the computer changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and I feel like that’s more accurate.
…
TFP Wheeljack: Bumblebee, gather the others. We need to have another Optimus-is-doing-somethin’-stupid-and-we-have-to-stop-him-before-he-hurts-himself meetin’.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: *texting in a group chat* Time sensitive question, how do I flirt?
TFP Bulkhead: Throw rocks at he.
Sari Sumdac: Hot Dogs.
Miko Nakadai: Kill him.
TFP Ultra Magnus: … Thank you for your contribution to this effort.
…
TFA Ratchet: How the frag are you still alive?
TFP Wheeljack: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.
…
TFP Wheeljack: *standing in front of a dart-board with an apple on his head, clearly drunk* Do it! I believe in you!
TFA Prowl, also drunk: *throws a shuriken*
TFP Wheeljack: *now with a shuriken stuck in his chest, unfazed* Throw it! I believe in you! :)
…
TFP Wheeljack: *dramatically taking off a pair of prescription goggles* … Wow.
TFP Ultra Magnus: *flustered* Wheeljack?
TFP Wheeljack: You’re really fraggin’ blurry.
…
TFA Prowl: I will send my army to attack!
TFA Prowl: *releases a dumpster of raccoons*
…
TFA Ratchet: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*
Sari Sumdac: You can't just skip to the happy ending!
TFA Ratchet: I don't have time for their problems.
…
TFA Bulkhead: Something tells me Wheeljack's going to be a bit more unhinged today...
TFP Wheeljack, holding a lit match and a bag of Cheetos: Leave me be. Ratchet isn't home to stop me, I'm goin’ feral.
…
TFA Bumblebee: *zooms past TFP Ultra Magnus in his vehicle mode*
TFP Ultra Magnus: *arms crossed, expression unchanged* Ouch. You ran over my foot. I am in… incredible pain.
…
TFP Wheeljack: Look, Optimus—if you can fit your head down the gun’s barrel, you can assume it doesn’t have a non-lethal settin’.
…
TFA Bumblebee, drunk: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
TFA Optimus, also drunk: This axe is actually a magic wand.
TFA Prowl, drunk: Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.
TFP Wheeljack, sober: *cocks gun* Magic missile.
TFA Bulkhead, drunk: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
…
TFA Ratchet, whenever TFP Wheeljack says he’s “fine” after a traumatic event:
…
TFA Jazz: What’s up with Ultra Magnus? He’s been laying on the floor for like an hour now?
TFA Prowl: He’s just a little overwhelmed.
TFA Jazz: Why?
TFA Prowl: Wheeljack smiled at him.
…
TFP Wheeljack: Ugh, there’s always that one weak slagger in the group who isn’t down with murder.
TFP Wheeljack: *glares at TFA Optimus*
TFA Optimus: Well, sorry I have morals!
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: What do I get?
TFA Prowl: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death.
TFP Ultra Magnus: Hm. Check, slightly more cautious check and check. Really not sure about that last one.
TFA Prowl: It won't be you.
TFP Ultra Magnus: I'll get the Forge.
…
TFA Bulkhead: You drink too much, swear too much, and your morals are highly questionable.
TFA Bumblebee: …
TFA Bulkhead: You are everything I’ve ever wanted in a best friend.
…
TFP Wheeljack: *throwing stones at TFP Ultra Magnus's window*
TFP Ultra Magnus: You have a comm for a reason, Wheeljack!
*THUD*
TFP Ultra Magnus: DID YOU JUST THROW YOUR COMM AT MY WINDOW?!
…
TFA Prowl: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.
TFA Prowl: Oh no, where did it go?
TFA Optimus: PROWL, WHAT THE FUCK?!
…
TFA Bumblebee: Chest-bump me!
TFA Bulkhead: (cringe) Uh, you don’t wanna do that, Bumblebee.
TFA Bumblebee: No, I really do.
TFA Bulkhead: It hurts you every time.
TFA Bumblebee: No, I know—but I’m fired-up. The adrenaline is gonna carry me through. Here we go!
*they chest-bump*
TFA Bulkhead: *doesn’t budge*
TFA Bumblebee: *bounces off of TFA Bulkhead’s chest and lands flat on his back on the floor* … Ow.
…
TFA Ratchet: Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: Come on, Bumblebee. Nobody actually believes that Wheeljack is in love with me.
TFA Bumblebee: Raise your hand if you think that Wheeljack is hopelessly in love with Ultra Magnus.
*everyone raises their hand*
TFP Ultra Magnus: … Wheeljack, put your hand down.
…
TFA Prowl: OW! I BURNED MY LIP!
TFA Ratchet: … Why the frag would you even drink freshly refined Energon with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE???
TFA Prowl: TO SAVE THE TURTLES, DAMN IT!
…
TFP Wheeljack: Bumblebee, you’ve tried 37 times and you’ve failed every time. Give it a break.
TFA Bumblebee: DO I HEAR “FIRST TRY: PART 38”?
TFP Wheeljack: Kid, no-
…
TFP Wheeljack: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than to drive people insane buyin’ heart shaped chocolates for their significant others, and-
TFP Ultra Magnus: I wrote you a poem.
TFP Wheeljack, already crying: You did?
…
TFA Bumblebee: My only talent is being stress.
TFA Optimus: Don't you mean stressed?
TFA Bumblebee: No.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: *to his TFA alternate* If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.
…
TFA Optimus: Be kind. Everyone is fighting their own battles.
TFP Wheeljack: Why would I be kind? I will be brutal and relentless and ride into battle by their side!
…
TFA Jazz: So, what's it like living with Wheeljack?
TFP Ultra Magnus: He once referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter."
TFA Jazz: ...
TFP Ultra Magnus: I love him so much-
…
TFP Wheeljack: That's some weirdly sincere humility.
TFA Optimus: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.
…
TFA Prowl: What are you thinking about right now?
TFA Bumblebee: *having just been zoned-out* I was thinking how I would make the perfect American president based upon my skill set, dance ability, and blood lust.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: *trying to settle an argument* I don’t care how long it takes, I will keep you here all night.
TFP Wheeljack: *checking the time* We can’t keep them past four.
TFP Ultra Magnus: *without missing a beat* I will keep you here until four.
…
TFP Wheeljack: What kinds of sounds annoy you?
TFA Prowl: Are we talking real sounds or imaginary ones?
TFP Wheeljack, now interested: Let’s say imaginary.
TFA Prowl: Spiders wearing flip flops.
TFA Optimus, walking past: *drops a canister* 0_0
…
How Detroit felt when everyone was just trying to enjoy the holidays and TFA Soundwave showed up to brainwash the entire city:
…
*the TFA Crew is playing a team sport*
TFA Optimus: Are you upset you don’t get to be on the same team as Bulkhead?
TFA Bumblebee: Have you ever played a game with Bulkhead?
TFA Optimus: No…
TFA Bumblebee: Have you ever been trapped in a cage with a wolverine?
*meanwhile, on the other side of the field*
TFA Bulkhead, chasing TFA Prowl: I SAID FASTER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD “FASTER” MEANS? IT MEANS MORE FAST!!!!
…
TFP Wheeljack: … Mags, you've been cuddlin’ with me for over an hour now.
TFP Ultra Magnus: *muffled* Mmhm.
TFP Wheeljack: Fuck, you're adorable.
…
TFA Jazz: I cannot believe I let you talk me into this.
TFA Prowl: I literally said “I have an idea,” and you just went along with it without question.
…
TFA Ratchet: Last week, Sari tried to flush a live lobster down the toilet "because it worked for Nemo".
…
Miko Nakadai: School sucks.
TFP Bulkhead: I know, but you have to do it so you can get a job.
Miko Nakadai: What are jobs like?
TFP Bulkhead: Well-
TFP Ultra Magnus: They suck.
…
TFA Prowl: What's this?
TFP Wheeljack, hugging TFA Prowl: Affection.
TFA Prowl: Disgusting.
TFA Prowl: … Do it again.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.
TFP Wheeljack: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.
TFP Ultra Magnus: ...
TFP Ultra Magnus: You mean ring bearER, right?
TFP Wheeljack: ...
TFP Ultra Magnus: Look me in the optics and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.
…
TFP Wheeljack: And then Megatron ran into my sword. He ran into it ten times.
TFA Bumblebee: You mean you stabbed him?
TFP Wheeljack: He ran into my sword.
…
TFA Bumblebee: I reserve the right to judge a movie based on when it was made, thank you very much.
TFP Wheeljack: You consider anything made before 2000 old and bad.
TFA Bumblebee: And I reserve that right! After all, I bet you wouldn’t like the average movie made in 1879!
Sari Sumdac: There were no movies made in 1879.
TFP Ultra Magnus: That’s actually incorrect. There was one movie made in 1879, the first movie. It was a zoopraxiscope of a horse galloping.
TFA Bumblebee: Ooh! Let’s go ask Ratchet if he saw it in theaters!
…
*TFP Seaspray is comforting TFA Ratchet after the UltraJack Wedding*
TFP Seaspray: Stop cryin’ because it’s over. Smile because Wheeljack’s someone else’s problem now.
…
TFA Prowl: What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child?
TFP Ultra Magnus: That nap time was a punishment.
…
TFA Optimus: You've been given a new job to do, but I'm worried it might make you panic.
TFP Wheeljack: Just say it quick, like ripping off a band-aid.
TFA Optimus: You have to teach Sari how to drive.
TFP Wheeljack: … Put the band-aid back on.
…
TFA Bumblebee, teasing TFP Ultra Magnus while cleaning: COMPANY IS COMING! I WANT THIS PLACE LOOKING LIKE DISNEY ON ICE IN ONE MINUTE!
Sari Sumdac, joining in: OPTIMUS, IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR BED, THROW IT AWAY! IT'S TOO LATE TO MAKE IT, NOW!
Miko Nakadai: GET RID OF THE COUCHES, WE CAN'T LET PEOPLE KNOW WE SIT!
TFP Ultra Magnus: …
TFP Wheeljack: *wheeze*
…
Sari Sumdac: Okay, next question. Give an example of a particular ecosystem and explain how it could be protected.
TFA Prowl: Forests. Stop cutting down trees, and don't hold gender reveal parties anywhere near them.
…
TFA Bumblebee—for weeks, relentlessly—after watching this Christmas special:
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: You made enough pasta that you could take it to lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container.
TFP Wheeljack: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the pasta is now.
…
TFA Bumblebee: *gets a text* Oh! It’s Wheeljack.
TFA Bulkhead, excitedly planning a new art exhibit: Did he get me the stuff?
TFA Bumblebee: Yeah, he says he got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood.
TFA Bulkhead: Wow! Where’d he find 12 gallons of fake blood?
TFA Bumblebee: You wanted fake blood?
TFA Bulkhead:
TFA Bumblebee: I’ll go call Wheeljack.
…
TFA Ratchet: GET BACK HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!
TFP Wheeljack: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: (eerily calm) Kids. Bed. Now. I need to talk to your father.
TFP Wheeljack: (huge optics) No, kids. Stay. Please, stay.
TFP Ultra Magnus: Go.
TFP Wheeljack: (panicked) Stay.
TFP Ultra Magnus: (pointing) Go.
TFP Wheeljack: STAY!
TFP Ultra Magnus: Please, go.
TFA Kids: (start inching towards the door)
TFP Wheeljack: Optimus, stay!
TFP Ultra Magnus: Now.
TFP Wheeljack: Bee, don’t move!
TFP Ultra Magnus: Get plenty of rest.
TFP Wheeljack: BULKHEAD, STAY!
TFP Ultra Magnus: (turning to TFP Wheeljack and crossing his arms) So.
TFP Wheeljack: (watching the TFA Kids swiftly and smartly make their exit) DON’T LEAVE ME!
…
TFA Optimus: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a worse plan.
TFA Prowl: We could attack them with hummus.
TFA Optimus: I stand corrected.
TFA Prowl: Just keeping things in perspective.
…
TFA Bumblebee: We can't lose. Because we have this. *points to his chest*
Sari Sumdac: We have heart?
TFA Bumblebee: Heart? No, me. I'm pointing at myself. I'm going to win this for us.
…
TFA Prowl: Reverse tooth fairy where you leave money under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and leaves you a bunch of teeth.
TFP Wheeljack: Why?
TFA Prowl, shaking a bag of teeth: Just because.
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: You are an absolute fucking dork.
TFP Wheeljack: Yeah, but I'm your dork!
TFP Ultra Magnus: *sigh* Yeah, you're my dork.
…
*after a plan goes horribly wrong*
TFA Optimus: Now, it seems we're back at square one—finding Megatron.
TFP Wheeljack: For the record, I already found him.
TFA Bulkhead: And you let him get away.
TFP Wheeljack: He stabbed me!
TFA Ratchet: I'm surprised he waited this long. We've all had the urge.
…
TFA Prowl: Bumblebee is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure.
…
TFP Wheeljack, unwittingly leading TFA Cybertron towards revolution-
…
TFA Ultra Magnus: Pardon me, but it sounds like you’re questioning my authority!
TFP Ultra Magnus: Not at all, “commander”. Merely the intellect and/or sanity of whoever gave it to you.
…
TFP Wheeljack: We’ll find another route, it’s not safe for amateur adventurers.
TFA Optimus: That sounds like a challenge.
TFP Wheeljack: I have to stress, that is not a challenge.
TFA Optimus: … Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted!
TFP Wheeljack: There is no challenge!
…
TFA Prowl: I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.
TFP Wheeljack: Whose ship are we gonna take?
…
Teacher: Your child was in a fight.
TFP Ultra Magnus: *immediately entering lawyer-mode* Did she start it?
TFP Wheeljack: *grin* Did she win?
…
TFA Prowl: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses.
TFA Bulkhead: The big five licenses?
TFA Prowl: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.
…
TFP Wheeljack: This is a judgment free zone. *pulls out a knife the size of his forearm* And I mean it.
…
TFA Optimus: But what about Wheeljack?
TFA Ratchet: Don't worry about him.
TFA Ratchet: I once watched him fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep working on fine-tuning a grenade like nothing happened.
…
TFP Wheeljack: So... what’s goin’ on?
TFA Bumblebee: You want the long version or the short version?
TFP Wheeljack, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?
TFA Bumblebee: Shit’s fucked.
TFP Wheeljack: Oh. Well, yeah—that’s definitely not an optimal situation.
…
In an AU where they attended the same school-
*while waiting outside the principal’s office*
TFP Wheeljack: What are you in for?
TFP Ultra Magnus: Oh, I just want to know if it’s alright if I miss gym class tomorrow to run sound and lights for a presentation in the auditorium. :)
TFP Wheeljack: Oh, okay.
TFP Ultra Magnus: What about you?
TFP Wheeljack: I stabbed a classist fragger with a screwdriver in shop class. :)
TFP Ultra Magnus:
TFP Wheeljack:
TFP Ultra Magnus: We live very different lives.
TFP Wheeljack: Yes, we do.
…
TFA Prowl: Sometimes, I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes...
TFA Prowl: … And violently jerk their head until it snaps.
TFP Ultra Magnus: … That took an unexpected turn.
TFA Bumblebee: So did their neck.
…
TFA Bulkhead: Hey, Wheeljack—do you have any hobbies?
TFP Wheeljack: Swimmin’.
TFA Bulkhead: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
TFP Wheeljack: In a pool of self hatred and regret.
TFA Bulkhead: …
TFA Ratchet: He can’t swim.
TFA Bulkhead: Wheeljack-
…
TFA Bumblebee: Wheeljack has nineteen grenades. And he throws five at Mega-
Sari Sumdac: Wait, what does Wheeljack have so many grenades?
TFP Wheeljack: *working on Grenade #20* Mind your business, Sari.
…
TFP Ratchet: He is the Prime, chosen by Primus!
TFA Bumblebee: Well, I didn’t vote for him!
TFP Ratchet: You don’t vote for Primes. And even if we did, you’re not-
TFA Bulkhead: *scratching his head* Well, how’d he become a Prime then?
TFP Ratchet, keeper of the lore: Orion Pax approached Primus himself, hoping to cure his Dark Energon poisoning. Primus saw the innate nobility in the data-clerk and, with the last of his strength, bestowed upon him the Matrix of Leadership—signifying by divine providence that he, Optimus Prime, was to carry the collective wisdom of all the Primes who came before him. That is why he is our leader.
TFA Ratchet: *servos on his hips* Listen, doctor—strange sparks lying in holes, distributing ‘sacred databases’, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical ceremony at the bottom of a pit!
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: I just found out from Wheeljack today that when the other Ultra Magnus died and his lingering supporters did the 21-gun salute at his funeral, Sentinel said “They should aim at the coffin to be sure.”
…
TFA Optimus: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a coaster on Bumblebee without him noticing?
TFA Prowl: Hey, Bumblebee—I bet you this oil barrel that you can't swallow a coaster.
TFA Bumblebee: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
TFA Optimus: ...
…
TFA Bumblebee, pointing to TFP Wheeljack and TFP Ultra Magnus: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves*
TFA Bulkhead: Okay!
*five minutes later*
TFA Bumblebee: *returns and sees TFP Wheeljack and TFP Ultra Magnus unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out!
TFA Bulkhead: There's just no pleasing you, sometimes.
…
TFP Wheeljack: I'm very scary.
TFA Ratchet: You're about as scary as a wet kitten.
TFP Wheeljack: Wet kittens are cute. At least I've got that goin’ for me.
TFA Ratchet: And small.
TFP Wheeljack:
TFP Wheeljack: … Yeah. Yeah, I guess.
…
TFA Bumblebee: *texting* I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... Which should I do?
TFA Optimus: Please, don’t get arrested.
TFA Bumblebee: No promises! <3
TFA Bulkhead: Why not both? Get creative!
TFA Bumblebee: Great suggestion, thank you!
TFA Optimus: Please, don’t encourage him.
…
TFA Cybertronians, for some reason-
…
TFP Ultra Magnus: What did you get Prowl for his birthday?
TFP Wheeljack: I got him a kitten.
TFP Ultra Magnus: Really? Me, too!
TFA Optimus: I also got him a cat.
TFA Bulkhead: Looks like we had the same idea.
TFP Wheeljack: Bumblebee, please tell me you didn't get Prowl a cat!
TFA Bumblebee: … I got him a kitten. O_O
*later*
TFA Prowl, in his room surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever! :D
