#twojasperjohns

[twojasperjohns]

KICKSTOPPER REWARD #2: YUMMY BAG!

Hey everyone – the Kickstopper is coming to a close. We just want to thank you for the incredible amounts of no-effort you gave in giving us nothing. While we have yet to receive a call from Tina Fey or a person impersonating Tina Fey, we have literally endless amounts of foundless hope that success is just lost on the way to our windowless basement apartment in Sheepshead Bay!

Anyway, as one last incentive, we offer you the Yummy Bag, which we were able to buy on deep discount from The United Arab Emirates! Here's what it says on the packaging:

"We live in America. and America was built upon one dream – hey, what's that? What are you eating? Can I have some? What about just a bite? Half bite? Eighth. You won't even notice it. That one chocolate chip fell off, I'm just gonna get that off the floor and –

Yummy Bag! Everybody on this planet who is also in America has the same problem – we all want to look better and lose weight without changing one part of our lives, or sacrificing a single over-serving of our carb-injected-butter-slops. And now you don't have to. Introducing Yummy Bag, the only diet-aid that promises you will be taking in literally ZERO calories.

TO USE:

Unwrap Yummy Bag from package being careful not to bend the mouth-hinges.

Insert Yummy Bag into mouth with mouth-hinges hooking onto lips. Swallow deeply and think about pleasant things while your throat lightly convulses as it grows accustomed to the Yummy Bag.

EAT EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT!

IMPORTANT: Please chew a very, very, very long time before swallowing as this is key to avoiding slight death when removing Yummy Bag from gullet region.

When you are finished gorging, simply pull gently but firmly on the Yummy Bag, lifting it from your throatal area, away from your convulsing esophagus and out of your mouth. Toss it away! You have consumed zero calories! You did it!

Now you can go out to dinner with friends (preferably doctors or at least registered nurses) without fear of veering from your weight loss plan, and with only the most minimal concern regarding asphyxiation. Take back your life without sacrifice. It's the American way (after a few hundred years of intense sacrifice, starvation, a couple genocides, civil war and general infighting)!"

Guys, this is it! This is your last chance to don't-give all you haven't-got!

[twojasperjohns]

KICKSTOPPER REWARD #1: Baby Duffle!

The Two Jasperjohns Kickstopper (http://youtu.be/z3_fUhvOZis) is doing great everyone! Just wanted to announce our first reward for those contributing at the zero dollar level: A Two Jasperjohns embroidered Baby Duffle! Featuring a custom Two Jasperjohns logo, this... we'll just let the catalog copy speak for itself.

"Sick of wearing those tiresome front-carriers and staring directly into your baby's dead eyes as you try to walk up an escalator? Sick of your baby getting all the attention in the stroller while you struggle to get one single postpartum affair going with someone, anyone from your play group? Well keep your friends close, and your babies closer with the Baby Duffle!

Made of silk and poly-poly-carbocite (acrylic liner), the Baby Duffle provides you and your kin with an easy way to stay comfortable, have fun, and keep your chest free for sun-bathing, ogling, benching, or just posing. Unlike other baby carriers, the Baby Duffle is made for ALL races and creeds. Even homely babies will find comfort in the Duffle's ample room for their misshapen features. Best of all, you can still show off your beautiful child's best features while keeping all eyes on YOU. You deserve it. YOU DESERVE IT.

YOU DESERVE IT.

To Use: – Zip open top of duffle

– Toss baby in "Duff-hole"

– Make sure your baby's face is through the "face-port" and you're set! (privacy screens are available if you have an ugly baby)

– Zip up "Duff-Hole"

– Grab and go! 

There's also room for a soda, an iced coffee and a half-sandwich so you don't have to sacrifice convenience for your birth-child."

All you have to do to receive one of these incredible items is to give nothing as much as you can, and make sure Vince Gilligan returns my calls. Or a mid-to-low-level agent at UTA THANKSSSSSSS.

Sincerely, Your Pal, Vinny Lopez

[twojasperjohns]

Oh Tumblr, we finally did it. We did a KICKSTOPPER! Please, pass this around, and remember: the less you give, the more you can not-fund Two Jasperjohns.

[twojasperjohns]

Submission by Rich C. for our ongoing column "Jasperjohns through the ages."

[twojasperjohns]

SEASON THREE IS OUT, Y'ALL Look at all this shee-it. We got rafts, y'all. We got boys in that spandex, y'all. We got those cults, y'all. Look at all this shee-it. We put up that entire playlist, y'all. All six episodes, y'all. Look at all our shee-it.

(Apologies James Franco/Riff Raff)

[twojasperjohns]

QCing episodes! #twojasperjohns

[twojasperjohns]

Oh man, oh brother, Jesus, this thing is FINALLY coming out.

New Season of Two Jasperjohns! Monday, Aug 19th! ALL SIX EPISODES!