El 14 de abril del 2020 había comenzado a escribir en un diario por primera vez, siempre que me sentía mal y no daba mas. Pero en 2021 deje este habito, mas que nada porque se me habían acabado las hojas. De cualquier forma me propuse dejar esa dependencia atrás, y cerrar toda aquella historia que me había hecho sentir culpable por tantos años. Ya no quería vivir llorando para calmar mi angustia y sanar mis heridas con autocompasión. Bien lo había dicho Beomgyu "La depresión no es algo de lo que debas avergonzarte. Debes elogiarte por haber trabajado muy duro".
Beomgyu: estoy muy agradecido y soy afortunado de volverme alguien preciado para nuestras MOAs... La cosa con la depresión es que es que incluso digas que todo esta bien. Yo también conozco el dolor que otros no pueden siquiera imaginar. Aun así, estoy muy feliz de ser la fuerza de nuestra MOA, !!espero que puedas hablar con tus padres!!. No hay nada de lo que debas avergonzarte, así que ¿Por qué no hablar con ellos? Yo también voy a trabajar mas duro para seguir siendo la fuerza de MOA! Gracias MOA. Por favor no te hundas con pensamientos antes de dormir. Piensa en aquellos momentos de felicidad. Date a ti mismo, quien ha trabajado dura durante el día, una palmadita en la espalda. Buenas noches! (además pidió que animaran al MOA en vez de a él).
Estas son algunas de las frases de ellos que me ayudaron en ese entonces a luchar contra la depresión:
Beomgyu: la depresión no es algo por lo que estar avergonzado.
Yeonjun: quiero que te ames y cuides mas de ti misma. Nosotros seguiremos a tu lado, estemos juntos mañana también.
Hueningkai: ser diferente no es malo, solo acéptate y alcanza tu propio potencial.
-Soobin una vez dijo:
_> La felicidad importante son los sentimientos positivos que descubres en las cosas pequeñas.
_ > ¿Ah que te refieres con que estas sufriendo?
Nosotros cuidaremos de tu felicidad.
- Yeonjun una vez dijo:
_> Deseo que puedas convertirte en alguien que se ame y valore a si mismo, mucho mas que a nosotros.
_> Quiero defender lo que creo y derribar el muro con los estereotipos y prejuicios del mundo.
- Beomgyu una vez dijo:
_> No debes porque avergonzarte de la depresión mas bien deberías elogiarte por haber trabajado muy duro.
_> Puedes hacer lo que quieras porque estudiar no es la única respuesta a la vida.
Taehyun una vez dijo:
_> ¿Es necesario ir al mismo ritmo del mundo? Tu solo necesitas ir en la dirección correcta.
_> En lugar de compararte con los demás creo que deberías compararte con tu 'Yo' del pasado, vamos a convertirnos en un 'Yo' que es mejor que el 'Yo' de ayer.
- Hueningkai una vez dijo:
_> Esta bien ser diferente, da lo mejor de ti, no pares de soñar y muéstrale al mundo lo que tienes.
_> Estoy enamorado de ti, desde la primera vez que te vi.
-TOMORROW X TOGETHER una vez dijo:
Muchas veces podemos no sentirnos bien con nosotros mismos, nuestra vida e incluso pensamos en si realmente seguir, pero esta bien pide ayuda si sientes que realmente no puedes, tu vida es importante para nosotros <3 ¡Tu puedes!.
Al principio de enero mientras esperaba el comeback Japones "Still Dreaming", lidiaba con esto cada día y cuando la tristeza invadía mi corazon saliendo a flote toda culpa me mentalizaba que todo iba a estar bien. Para ese entonces tenia una gran convicción de que ellos estarían ahí para mi directamente (recordando cuando Hyuka respondió a mi post) e indirectamente con cada respuesta, frase o consejo que dieran a MOA.
Ya no eran solo mis bebes, ahora los tenia como mis reyes, todo lo que necesitaba para ser feliz y tener un buen día. Por supuesto que trataría de retomar mi relación con mis papas y hermanos porque si algo me enseñaban ellos era lo importante que es mantener una buena relación con tu familia aislarse no era algo que ellos fomentarán. Por otro lado, si en casos extremos o que difieren de este lo mas importante venia a ser "valórate a ti mismo" "hazte elogios" "yo te amo así que amate" "estoy enamorado de ti desde la primera vez que te vi" entre otros que ya cite anteriormente hacían que mi corazon se sintiera tan cálido.
Así depender de ellos se volvía mas que una opción, yo no solo quería estar con Tomorrow x Together sino que sentía la importancia de tenerlos en mi vida.
Porque si de algo estaba segura es que sus caritas aparecían en mi mente cada vez que una lagrima rodaba por mis mejillas haciendo que toda tristeza se disipara. "Para mi Choi Soobin, Yeonjun, Beomgyu, Kang Taehyun y Kai Kamal Huening siempre serán parte de mi vida", esto pensaba desde que pasaron de ser solo los bebes TXT mis amores, mayor prioridad y TO DO.
(a/n: I’m starting a TXT Theory series on each mv they made/will make bc WE STAN BIGHIT MENTALITY... I won’t do a BTS one cause TXT has like five mvs and my BRAIN IS LIQUID ALREADY what more if I DID A BTS ONE? I ONLY HAVE LIKE HALF A BRAIN CELL THAT BARELY WORKS... anyways, I made this theory for two hours straight sO PLS APPRECIATE MY WORK LMAO)
(another a/n: I wrote time stamps so that you can watch the mv while reading this theory, too! Enjoy because I said so and I have to reform MY BRAIN/ i am also terribly sorry if I ramble some stuff there lmao ENGLISH IS NOT MY NATIVE LANGUAGE DFBHJD)
From 0:08 - 0:22
- We see flashbacks from the previous mv "Runaway". Yeonjun starts a fire in his notebook and Beomgyu already knew that there is a fire. The weird thing is that only Beomgyu knows that there is a "small" fire. Beomgyu could've thrown the notebook outside or do something "smaller" to prevent the fire from growing BUT NO, he really used this BIG EXTUINGUISHER to turn off the fire. Really weird because it looks like as if he knows something bigger would happen in a matter of SECONDS IN THE FUTURE???
After the flashbacks, the notebook also bursted into flames. Could this be because Beomgyu didn't success into stopping the fire, causing a bigger problem?
From 0:38 - 0:44
- Now, we see the four members (Yeonjun, Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Hueningkai) in front of Soobin's house. The five of them obviously will hang out eventually during the day.
0:44 - 0:51
- Then, we see Yeonjun bake some pastries for them to eat. No one in the group noticed that the fire in the oven started growing. Weird because Beomgyu noticed the fire quickly in the previous mv which is just a small one and they're also in a school (meaning there's a lot of people occupying space or something, y'know what I mean?) but he couldn't notice a bigger fire in Soobin's house where there were only five people in there? Sketchy.
0:51 - 0:56
- Hueningkai started taking pictures (juSt bFf tIngZ) and if we look closely, Taehyun is literally lost. He's not even looking at Hueningkai's camera. He seemed so lost and bothered. He probably doesn't know that Kai is taking pictures. He's literally just looking around as if he notices something strange.
0:56 - 1:01
- Yeonjun pokes Soobin's bubble made from hi bubblegum and Soobin looked pissed. It looks normal "jUST BFF TINGZ" from the start but as the scene goes by, Soobin and Taehyun's eyes WERE FIXED at the TV while he eats strawberries. Hueningkai, Yeonjun, and Beomgyu were literally messing around but the two of them were just STARING at the TV.
1:01 - 1:02
- (this just cute uWU)
1:03 - 1:06
- Then, we see Beomgyu staring at the camera (lmao visual king) and it's just creepy that the whole lighting in the house just TURNED SO RED AND BEOMGYU STAYED UNBOTHERED???
What's even more creepier is that the TV was just red. There was nothing there on the TV, so why would the four of them (Beomgyu excluded) still mess around like they were watching a show when they were in fact NOT?
1:31 - 1:35
- Beomgyu puts a bunch of strawberries in the blender and a lot of it spilled everywhere on Soobin's kitchen counter. When you see the actual scene, it actually looks like Beomgyu murdered someone but at the same time still seen as pure and innocent.
No suspect can be seen as pure and innocent... unless if that suspect is manipulative... (mom, help im scared)
1:39 - 1:48
- Basically, Beomgyu and the boys are playing around with the mess he made. Hueningkai wasn't playing around but he was just eating strawberries... just like how Taehyun did at 0:51 - 0:56. Soobin seemed pissed because his friends came over specifically to "play and hang out" with him and not leave him alone in the air IN HIS OWN HOUSE. In his boredom, he plays with this glass half full with some kind of pink juice.
It could've been made with those same strawberries the boys were so drawn onto.
1:48 - 1:53
- Soobin then 'purposely' dropped the glass of pink juice on the ground as it transitioned to Beomgyu and Yeonjun playing together in (probably) Soobin's bedroom. If you pay attention, the lighting is red again.
(THIS ONE IS HARD TO PAUSE LMAO HELP)
1:54 - Four of them looked down on Hueningkai (literally!) and Kai looked upset and down, too. What could've Kai done for the other boys to look down on him like he had done something bad?
Or is he being taunted by his own friends and he couldn't do anything about it because he's the youngest?
Or is he being in the middle of everything that's happening?
1:54 - 1:56
- The transitioning was like glitches at this part (my eYES HURT) as Hueningkai stays in his place while looking down on the floor. This scene shows that his "hyungs" either leave him or tower over him no matter what he feels.
Tower over him? I meant:
hyungs = higher authority
Maknae = no control whatsoever
1:56 - 1:57
- In this ONE SECOND SCENE, we can notice a lot of things. Beomgyu plays with Taehyun as he covered Taehyun with a blanket. Taehyun was smiling and laughing as his mood changes when the lighting turned red.
There IS something wrong with Beomgyu.
1:58 - 2:02
- Beomgyu continued dominating over Taehyun as the lighting switched from red to the normal "bright" one. Beomgyu looks at the camera, showing no emotion like he did on 1:03 - 1:06... like he wasn't doing something wrong to Taehyun.
For me, it seemed like when you put the "bright" lighting on the scene... it looked like Beomgyu and Taehyun were just play fighting.
But when it's red? It honestly looked like Beomgyu was trying to suffocate Taehyun in the sheets. (Read time stamp 1:31 - 1:35)
2:03 - 2:05
- Taehyun looks bothered again as he stares into the camera. If you pay attention to the other members, you'll notice something.
They are just chatting and eating together... not even asking about Taehyun.
Taehyun was bothered because of what happened between him and Beomgyu.
2:06 - 2:10
- Beomgyu throws in a tomato as it changes to both him and Soobin laughing during dinner. Yeonjun throws a tomato after Beomgyu as it transitions to Taehyun being bothered at the dinner table.
Yeonjun then draws a "smiley face" using ketchup. Does it mean that Yeonjun wants to be happy after... an incident?
2:10 - 2:13
- To distract Taehyun's boredom, Beomgyu flicks a strawberry(???) on him. Taehyun wasn't playful (my statement on 1:58 - 2:02 HAS A POSSIBILITY) and he's looking at Beomgyu like he was pissed despite them being messy earlier before dinner.
2:14 - 2:16
- We see Beomgyu laughing it away and the two other members were just unbothered. In the fast paced scene, we see Soobin just confused and bothered.
We also see Beomgyu looking sad as if he was sorry about what happened between him and Taehyun. We also see Beomgyu looking confused as if he was like "What could I have done wrong to you?" towards Taehyun.
2:16 - 2:21
- The five of them started playing and throwing food around again. Taehyun was weirdly "okay" in this scene. Maybe Beomgyu could've done something for Taehyun to forgive him.
Or he wanted to hide his anger from Beomgyu because Beomgyu was pictured as pure and innocent by the boys?
2:21 - 2:29
- Yeonjun picks up a tomato but it already bursted in his hand. It's impossible for a tomato to already burst when he wasn't even throwing them. Then, he stares at his hands and then back to the boys. He realizes that Soobin's house is on fire and all four of them blame it on Yeonjun.
If you pay attention to the surroundings, it really looked like a bunch of psychos murdered people because the tomato on the walls looked like splatters of blood somehow.
If you pay attention to the lighting, it changes again from bright to red.
If you pay attention to all three factors (the acting, the lighting, and the surroundings) metaphorically, it seemed like Yeonjun was the one blamed for murder.
But wasn't it Beomgyu who suffocated Taehyun in the first place?
(Note about time stamp: 2:10/ Who has a smiley face on their clothes? Beomgyu)
2:43 - 2:46
- Taehyun and Yeonjun threw tomatoes at the camera as it transitions to Beomgyu enjoying the tomatoes on the floor.
"Throwing tomatoes" at someone is like hating on them. If you watch children's series or even comedic adult series, you may have noticed that if they started "booing" on someone they hate... they throw tomatoes.
So, Taehyun and Yeonjun are throwing hate on who? Beomgyu.
Who suffocated Taehyun and blamed Yeonjun for the "fire" (still unknown if it's actual murder or a representation of something serious kdfglvnjkf)? Beomgyu.
What does Beomgyu do with the hate? Laugh and enjoy the hate he's receiving.
Honestly, it seemed like he was manipulative in this damn mv. He's not psychopath, he's a sociopath.
(A sociopath is a term used to describe someone who has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). People with ASPD can't understand others' feelings. They'll often break rules or make impulsive decisions without feeling guilty for the harm they cause.) - literally a google definition that describes Beomgyu's character in the mv perfectly.
2:48 - 2:49
- You'll think that it's a Soobin glamour shot but NOPE. If you looked behind Soobin, you see Taehyun, Beomgyu, and Yeonjun.
If you pay attention at how Beomgyu LITERALLY SAT and ATE, he seemed so child-like.
Again, he is PICTURED as soft and innocent in the other mvs but in this one? He seemed so manipulative (using his "innocent" image to control what his members felt about his actions.)
Taehyun wasn't even facing him, meaning that he's still mad about what he has done. Yeonjun runs upstairs... where the "Taehyun Suffocation Incident" happened (Soobin's bedroom).
Soobin, on the other hand, is in the middle of everything that was happening between the three. Soobin felt lonely despite Hueningkai's presence.
It was because Hueningkai was so lost in what's happening in this reality where his three hyungs hate each other and his one hyung struggling to fit in within the friend group. Basically, Hueningkai's character only knows what's going on with his self and not the others (kinda sounds harsh but fAcT about me is that I'm the youngest and it's kinda innate for the youngest in the family to be a bit bratty and self-concerned.)
2:49 - 2:51
- Taehyun throws a tomato around an unbothered Hueningkai who is still eating food despite of what's happening around him. If you take it literally, Taehyun's like "Join us!!!".
But if you take it that way (yknOW WHAT I MEAN), it's like Taehyun was trying to wake Hueningkai up in the reality where his hyung (Beomgyu) is a sociopath.
But Hueningkai was in that fantasy (representation: eating strawberries).
2:52 - 2:53
- Here we see Beomgyu and Hueningkai being happy while tomatoes are thrown everywhere in Soobin's house.
In this scene, it seemed like Beomgyu was convincing Hueningkai to believe his "pretentious acts of kindness".
Did Hueningkai believe him?
2:54 - 2:55
- We see Beomgyu looking like he regrets everything he has done. In another scene of Beomgyu, he was staring at his hands the same way Yeonjun did at 2:21 - 2:29
2:56 - 2:59
- We see Yeonjun throwing a tomato at Soobin as we also see glimpses of Beomgyu laughing, Taehyun shifting from laughing to being angry, and Soobin finally snapping out.
Clearly, Soobin was silent because no one asked (or cared) for him throughout the time in this mv. He was always in the middle of everything.
3:02 - 3:05
- After snapping out during "playtime", Yeonjun and Taehyun walked away. It looked like Soobin was blamed for ruining the fun.
The two members who walked away were Taehyun and Yeonjun, right? If you connect their characters to the actual TXT members, Taehyun is basically known as the matured member in TXT while Yeonjun is the eldest. Basically if you connect this in the storyline, the three matured members (hyung-like members if valid) were the ones having a fight.
The two members who were left staring at Soobin were Hueningkai and Beomgyu. Connect this?
Real!Hueningkai = maknae
CYSM!Hueningkai = also maknae, pictured as the youngest
Real!Beomgyu = middle of the hyung line and maknae line
CYSM!Beomgyu = rarely regrets not taking responsibility of what he has done to others; either manipulative or just being childish
Soobin looked down and looked like he felt like it was his fault for snapping out in front of them. It also resulted Hueningkai to see what was happening in the reality while Beomgyu just stares blankly.
In my HONEST OBSERVATION, Beomgyu doesn't know how to sympathize to what Soobin feels because he's a sociopath.
3:10 - 3:14
- We see Yeonjun wrapping himself in the blanket that Beomgyu used to suffocate Taehyun as it transitions to the members losing their minds.
But why does Yeonjun look fine in it (not fine FINE but yes he does look hella fine in it LMAO)? Is he trying to sympathize to what Taehyun felt during the "Suffocation Incident"?
The members losing their minds? Each of them needed help from each other, even Yeonjun who fully understands the situation.
3:33 - Yeonjun looks into the camera as the fire in the oven started growing.
To me, it looked like Yeonjun accepted the blame. The blame that he was the cause of the fire when in fact...
It was actually Beomgyu (Read time stamp: 0:44 - 0:51).
3:35 - 3:37
- We see a shot of Beomgyu and Hueningkai being bothered by the fight. We also see a shot of Yeonjun and Taehyun being bothered as they were victims of Beomgyu's manipulation.
Summary:
Beomgyu manipulated everyone by making them see the innocent, pure, and childish side of him while he takes over his victims slowly. Although, he has a side of conscience but it rarely ever showed up because his situation is too severe
Yeonjun was the only who fully understands Beomgyu's actual persona, a sociopath. Yeonjun also took the blame because he knows that deep down inside Beomgyu, there's a kind person who's lost in the real world while trying to find himself.
Hueningkai is just as lost as Beomgyu but the difference is that he depends on his hyungs more than himself, being self-centered.
Taehyun, on the other hand, thinks differently from Yeonjun. Taehyun's character is matured but if you consider the age gap between him and Yeonjun, there are still possibilities that he's still more immature than him. Taehyun most likey doesn't understand why Beomgyu is like this and is close-minded when he sees happy friend turn into something that dark.
Soobin is tired of being alone and having no one. It's even shown in the concept trailer that he wants to wake up from that nightmare he has... being alone, left out, and eaten up by the darkness around him. The darkness? Taehyun-Beomgyu-Yeonjun situation and guilt.
Lastly, do the strawberries represent something? Yes.
In this mv, eating strawberries represents them being blinded by Beomgyu's pure image. The red lighting also represents Beomgyu's thoughts and intentions (manipulating members and attacking them slowly).
IN CONCLUSION: The "Can't You See Me?" question applies to everyone of them. They all need serious help and the right attention. They all need to help each other, not turn their backs from one another.
The question: were the flashbacks from the Runaway MV set in the future or in the past?
//the end//
Y’all can message me if you noticed things I didn’t notice or take note of :))
TXT (터머러우바이투게도) have released a concept video for their comeback on August 17 at 6PM (KST) with 'The Chaos Chapter: FIGHT OR ESCAPE' #txt #터머러우바이투게도 #thechaoschapterfightorescape #txtcomeback #txtthechaoschapterfightorfreeze #txt_bighit #kpop #korea #TINYgMUSIC #hybe #hybelabels #bighitmusic #TOMORROW_X_TOGETHER #케이팝 #TomorrowxTomorrow #케이팝아티스트 #케이팝아이돌 #하이브 #kpopartists #kpopartists #MOA #txtsoobin #txtbeomgyu #txttaehyun #txthueningkai #txthyeonjun (at Seoul, Korea) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSNWwzJi6pE/?utm_medium=tumblr
TXT (터머러우바이투게도) have revealed new concept photos for their comeback on August 17 at 6PM (KST) with 'The Chaos Chapter: FIGHT OR ESCAPE' So, what do you think of these concept photos? #txt #터머러우바이투게도 #thechaoschapterfightorescape #txtcomeback #txtthechaoschapterfightorfreeze #txt_bighit #kpop #korea #TINYgMUSIC #hybe #hybelabels #bighitmusic #TOMORROW_X_TOGETHER #케이팝 #TomorrowxTomorrow #케이팝아티스트 #케이팝아이돌 #하이브 #kpopartists #kpopartists #MOA #txtsoobin #txtbeomgyu #txttaehyun #txthueningkai #txthyeonjun (at Seoul, Korea) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSLA3YFCTNF/?utm_medium=tumblr
