i dont know how to word this but it's been on my mind recently. context: i moved from a pretty generally bigoted school in a more working class area to a more progressive one in a very rich area for sixth form.
now, the main difference i have noticed other than the glaringly obvious ones are my own emotional expression. it's like ive gotten worse in an environment that's so unconditionally forgiving and welcoming. at first i sort of put it down to me being shy and needing time to open up as i got more friends but it's been over a year, i have really solid friends and i still have a worse time than other people emotionally expressing myself.
i think that at my old school it meant so much more to have someone you could be comfortable around and a lot of us had similar less than average backgrounds so we had that other layer to bond on. but like here everyone is so "you can always come to me to talk" and although the sentiment is there it isn't the same.
like today for example i was talking about how i got an email that i should apply for a scholarship bc im likely eligible for it and i was trying to complete my application during lunch. at the same time my friend who is so lovely but is a bit blind to our class divide is going through her photos to Just Me showing me her family and i have to keep saying give me a moment i need to sort out financial information for my education.
but like even though all these people ive met, bonded, CAMPED, been to pride, gotten blackout drunk with, i feel like there is a subconscious blockage in my brain that refuses to let me open up to them and be truly vulnerable. and i feel like it's class related even if there's not a real logical reasoning behind it.
this whole post is kind of a rant but also not really. just experience ig. feeling really disconnected from my peers post-ucas because of the class divide becoming so much more obvious. people talking about crazy work experience, volunteering abroad, talking to oxbridge advisors that are just friends with their parents, etc. showed me how different my experience of getting into unis will be and how difficult it's going to be in life.
tfw reality hits you
