y’know ppl say ‘anxiety + depression is hell’ but y’know what’s worse than that is ‘anxiety + depression + OCD’. Cuz y’know depression makes it so u can’t are abt things the same way as non-depressed ppl (and in this case it’s like no emotions, no caring, nothing) but then OCD makes u care a lot abt certain things, just not the supposedly ‘right’ things (like counting steps or having to move certain parts of ur body in certain ways bc of reasons and that’s just how it has to be, when u couldn’t give less of a shit abt more ‘important’ things like self-care and responsibilities and stuff) and then AND THEN anxiety makes a stunning appearance being like ‘what if this isn’t actually real what if it’s just ur mind playing tricks on u’ and then depression comes back in saying ‘yeah no duh u stoopid head ur just faking u dumb bitch u’ so u don’t wanna do the things OCD tells u to do bc according to depression u don’t care abt anything but actually u have to do what OCD tells u to do or else (cuz y’know the way that works? I can’t explain it it’s just like that) and then bc of the 2 conflicting things anxiety happens and so it’s all just so much too much to handle u want out u want it to just stop but u know u can’t kill ur self or die or anything cuz ur on lockdown in ur parents house (they put u there and ur phycologist (who they made u go see) sided with them on it and u felt powerless and actually u still feel powerless and u hate it but u don’t have a choice u have to stay there) and ur parents are watching over u like hawks and always ‘checking in’ like the overprotective assholes they are and u hate it but actually u know they’re doing it cuz they love u and want the best for you but actually no that’s not true bc u don’t deserve love and no one could ever love you (remember self-loathing is an ever-present companion). so u do stupid mundane ‘life’ things but ur OCD makes it nearly impossible bc it’s going untreated cuz u kind of maybe lied to everyone and ur parents haven’t heard that ur OCD and they just think ur faking everytime and bc of all that ur even more depressed than just when u were depressed but u can’t let anyone know bc ur parents don’t know the difference between being depressed and being suicidal so they’ll panic and freak out and do all the wrong things instead of giving u what u need (even tho u don’t need anything from them bc ‘they’re prob just pretending to care they don’t love u they don’t care abt u u piece of shit’) and letting u be like for instance they’ll be way too over-emotional (remember u can’t feel anything u have no emotions so watching them have all these emotions at u is rly confusing and horrible and u have no idea what to do and it makes everything worse) and it just puts way too much pressure on u even tho u already have too much pressure to be ‘okay’ and ur basically just trapped in this endless stream of suffering and pain and confusing shit and nothing makes sense and ur mind has all these paradoxes and it’s making u go insane bc u just don’t know what anything is anymore and this exact thing is always running thru ur mind bc u have to continuously remind ur self why u can’t run away or leave ur parents’ house or stop pretending to care abt the so-called ‘important’ things that actually I couldn’t care less abt bc they’re all meaningless to u and everything is essentially meaningless to u except for the things u massively fixate on (which is never anything real, bc u can’t never feel anything when it’s real and u don’t know how to sympathize with real ppl buf when it becomes fiction ur a mess) or the things ur OCD makes u fixate on (which u have to pretend ur not fixating on while still fixating in them bc no one can know ur fixated on them but u have to be fixated on them bc of reasons bc it’s OCD). y’know?
