#uh oh.

[assistant-of-sin]

I HAVEN'T EATEN IN YEARS.

I'M UNSURE IF I EVEN HAVE ORGANS ANYMORE.

DID I EVER HAVE ORGANS?

...

VIVID.

VIVID MEMORIES FLASH BY EVERY SO OFTEN OF A LIFE SO FAR FROM MINE.

VIVID DREAMS OF A SINNER, WHO HAD IT ALL, DREAMS OF A SINNER WHO STARED AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN, AND TURNED HIS GAZE AWAY.

SO, SO VIVID DREAMS OF A SINNER, WHO PURPOSEFULLY ATE THE FRUIT TO SUMMON SIN.

VIVID DREAMS OF SIN REACHING OUT, TOWARDS THAT SINNER.

...

NIGHTMARES.

SO, SO CLEAR NIGHTMARES OF A FATEFUL DAY THAT I CAN NEVER FORGET.

THE DAY THAT EVEN GENESIS FORGOT WHO I WAS.

A SINNER, REDUCED TO NOTHING BUT A SIN IN ITSELF.

STRIPPED OF EVERYTHING THAT MADE MYSELF ALIVE.

SKIN MELTED TO CHARCOAL SLUDGE, BONES SNAPPED AND TWISTED INTO UNUSABLE SCRAP, ORGANS SNATCHED AND FED TO THE PITS, AND SOUL DESTROYED.

OH, SO CLEAR, OH SO SO SO CLEAR.

I CAN STILL HEAR THAT VOICE, THE SCREAMS OF THAT LOST SOUL WHEN THERE'S NO SOUND.

...

IT HURTS TO MOVE NOW.

IT HURTS TO THINK, OR DO ANYTHING BESIDES WHAT SIN DEMANDS.

AN ETERNITY OF DARKNESS AND SOLITUDE HAD CHANGED ME.

I WAS ALREADY FAR GONE, BUT WITH NOTHING BUT MYSELF IN DARKNESS, I LOST MY MIND AND REPLACED IT WITH 👁S.

OH SO MANY 👁S TO REPLACE MY LOST MIND.

EVENTUALLY, I WAS FREED, NOW THE WAY I AM, I CAN NO LONGER BE, SIN FIXED ME BY USING THINGS FROM FAILED EXPERIMENTS AND FLESH FROM HELL.

I'VE BECOME SIN'S ETERNAL SERVANT, A SLAVE TO POWER.

THESE LULLS OF NOTHINGNESS, THESE MOMENTS WHERE I HAVE NOTHING IS WHERE I AM MOST SANE.

"HOLY HOLY HOLY IS THE LORD", IF THAT'S THE CASE, THEN WHY DIDN'T GENESIS SAVE ME WHEN IT MATTERED?

WHY.

WHY.

WHY.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE LAST THOUGHTS I HAD TO MYSELF, AS SIN PUT STRINGS AROUND ME TO MAKE ME IT'S OWN LITTLE PUPPET.

I FEEL SO COLD, SO DULL.

KINDNESS.

IS ABSTRACT TO ME NOW, THE ONLY PAIN I CAN FEEL IS THE PAIN SIN INFLICTS ON ME.

AM I REAL, OR HAVE I BECOME NOTHING ONCE MORE?

...

HOLY HOLY HOLY IS THE LORD.

[circlesuponcircles]

Loop, can you talk about Sage now?

✨️: ...Why can I just... say it, now...?

[aphidslop]

Waiting for everyone to go to bed so I can watch Like Minds again (12:42 in the morning) (Playing solitaire) (Second time in a week)

[lorefulgood]

"mumbo could ruin scott" okay but I raise you this : etho WOULD ruin scott. can’t mistreat a guy who actively enjoys being mistreated. he will always have a preference for cleo too AND he’s more scared of them than of scott. weird canadian man could bring us scleo divorce.

anon your beautiful mind...... scott/etho is one of those dynamics that would be so wildly terrible for everyone involved that it becomes irresistible catnip to me. I didn’t mean to turn this into a ship manifesto but somehow it turned into that? kind of?

one of the fun things about being an insufferable chatterbox (comme moi) is that I have a written record of exactly when I started thinking in A Certain Way about A Certain Thing, in this case scott/etho:

the ides of march. anyway

I don’t know as much about etho as a character, which is the main reason I haven’t written anything about this (much). val (lorefulevil) is a recovering ethogirl but I (lorefulgood) have only watched a couple of episodes from his pov.

scott likes when men are pathetic (relatable content imo). he also likes when men are dependent on him (unrelatable content imo. but whatever works I guess). yeah I’m still so unwell about that one clip from wild life where etho is begging for a trident and scott’s like oh? you wanna act like a dog? I can work with that. deeply insane behaviour given what he has previously said about men he compares to and treats like dogs BUT I DIGRESS.

mainly my take on etho is that I think he could be categorised as a brat, but in a different way from scott’s previous partners. like jimmy is snappy and mouthy and talks back until he’s literally dead, martyn is annoying as all get-out until you put him under and then he mostly behaves, and so on. etho is what I would (fondly dgmw) describe as a lil shit. he’s a troll. he messes around and does weird shit because it’s fun and he has a good time confusing people. I also don’t think etho’s as pathetic as a lot of people describe him, even during the scenes where he was trying to get a trident from scott he wasn’t actually like, y’know, whimpering at his feet the way people say he was. he was pestering scott and nagging him. which is great! there are some moments where etho is genuinely kind of pathetic, but most of the time he’s just persistent and weird. he’ll try to annoy someone into doing/giving him something. it works great with bdubs because bdubs is easy when it comes to etho. it works less great with scott because scott loves making men beg for something and then denying them. because he’s the worst. this is yet another reason why I think they should hook up

mainly my interest in this concept is predicated on a couple of moments across the series, namely the following:

that time scott basically got bdubs killed towards the end of last life (everything scott does during LL becomes a million times funnier to me when you consider that he’s still wearing his grief crystals)

scott seeing in chat that jimmy killed etho and immediately saying ‘etho is washed up! etho is washed up!’ (martyn’s LiL ep 6 at 9:40)

whatever the fuck was going on with the two of them in wild life with the trident business. and scott calling etho a puppy begging for a treat and then immediately saying ‘okay, this is fun, okay’ (scott’s WL ep 5 circa 33:00)

and, y’know, I’ve been rewatching double life lately, so here are two relevant moments from that. firstly, whatever this is:

and secondly, cleo being kinda weird also:

—

bonus shoutout to this moment from etho’s secret life that I feel really normal about (episode 5, aka be nice to bdubs day, at 43:03):

oh also! shout-out to that one conversation in the SL finale where etho and cleo were talking about loyalty (cleo’s ep 9 at 22:14) and etho said ‘you gotta have your scotts in your series, you gotta have your bdubs in your series, that one person you can feel comfortable around no matter what situation.’ okay!

[hound-0451]

/RECORD: HOLS/H.LEONES/FaceTheMusic

====Playing===>>......

[AH! just the one I wanted to see!... ]

[Hols? I uh expected to see you laying in one of these beds. you. you sound different..]

[Don't fret dear Ms Leones... Its temporary. sadly]

[Sit. my clocks ticking..... tick tock!]

[The parting gift has less than an hour left...I want to get the full mileage before I have to say adieu. so please sit.]

[Fine....]

[Goodgirl~]

[The fuck? What's this about a parting gift!? ]

[lil send off for letting them use my neck and psyche as a pin cushion.. didn't expect it to work that well.. ah well! *claps* Here I am now!]

[No.... But. why? That's used for certain types...]

[hmm yes. But it had fun results with me.. Quietest my heads been in oh I dunno THIRTEEN YEARS!]

[BEHOLD LEONES! The Beast/Vixen you made, It's Shell, and the tired battered soldier who walked into Broadsword all these years ago.. the three shake hands! Now! a tightrope test drive... I digress... just please. listen. it's very fucking important. and times short here!... we have a good chunk to discuss.]

[Ok..Ok. Please continue Hou- i mean Hols..]

[Gladly. First I'm gonna admit it! we both royally fucked up... you with the vixen program debacle. Me not bothering to talk to you about how I'm feeling... the nightmares.. the old creeping combat trauma from my old merc days that dodged your programming.. but there's a big one. its fucking tied to the Black Moth incident that kinda helped speed up the fuse it seems..]

[fuck... do go on.. lay it on me.]

[Glad you said that! *Inhale* IM ONLY FUCKING STANDING HERE RIGHT FUCKING NOW BECUASE YOU KEPT A PART OF ME LOCKED AWAY FOR THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS LEONES! THIRTEEN LONG FUCKING YEARS IT SAT AND WAITED! GROWING MORE AND MORE RESTLESS. LOCKED THEM AWAY FOR MY "SAFETY" I GET THE FUCKING SENTIMENTALS I DO. WE ALL FUCKING HURT WHEN SONGBIRD DIED!! IT TOOK A BUFFET OF SYRINGES FOR ME TO FUCKING FINALLY MOVE ON AND LET GO! AS MUCH AS IT FUCKING HURT... I REALLLY HATE YOU SOMETIMES BECAUSE OF THAT!! YOU STRIPPED A CHUNK OF ME YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME PERFECTING BECAUSE *HIC* YOU TOO COUDLNT FUCKING HANDLE THE GUILT OF YOUR HOUND DYING!! THE HOUND THAT YOUR LAST ONE LOVED DEEPLY..I MISS HER TOO! BUT GROUNDING ME TO A FUCKING DESK WAS OBVIOUSLY A WRONG CALL! ]

[Hols....im sorry... I am.......]

[let me finish... please... lots to *huff* unpack in such a short window]

[Between the fucking stunt I pulled in the Handler uniform, You having me guide, nurture, and show the ropes while loading those fucking syringes for Veronica.. YOU ARE FUCKING GIVING ME HANDLER WORK! -]

[i Im]

[LET ME FINISH!]

[sorry... ]

[ I HAVE NIGHTMARES SO BAD I WAKE UP THROWING UP BECAUSE I KEEP FUCKING SEEING MYSELF AS "HANDLER HOLLISTER".. THE UNIFORM..... VERONICA IN A FUCKING MUZZLE ALONG WITH OTHER FACELESS HOUNDS AT MY SIDE.. I FUCKING CAN'T I FUCKING CAN'T!!! ...*sighs* are you so fucking dense!? you fucking tripped your own hounds paradoxes almost making me become the very fucking thing I should fear, listen too, and never dare over do. YET! here I am doing fucking Handler work! I Know I know you meant well but you fucking slipped up here.. slipped so fucking bad your programming is bleeding and merging.. snarling and baring fang at personnel? you thought I was activated on accident!? well sort of. The fucking fox you drilled into my head has become so fucking restless it slips out to "play". and you tease it by unleashing it what twice? to be fair... I didn't help... I told you I don't need you too activate me for the siege.. It took that fucking personally it seems.. we both fucked up there... but locks fucking *hic**Sobs* rust... they rust so fucking deep I volunteered to get drugged to oblivion for answers for fuck sake!,... there's no going back. the bleeding has gotten too deep... before I go....fuck I don't want to....fuck.. *sobs* I. will. not. be. a. H A N D L E R... but! I will be Veronicas mentor!!... fucking ask Handler Val or Rose to help load cocktails next time... I just fucking can't. and use me and this chat as fucking warning! don't. make. the. same. mistakes. don't imbed your old skills look where that got us.... just make her a regular Hound this time?... I will help with showing her basic humanities to keep her shell grounded.. and feeling safe like 399 did for me as my final farewell to her... taking up HER mantle. Not your leathers!.. promise me that? *sobs* please? *hic* don't let her end up like me!.. please? *sobs* RIGHT OUR FUCKING WRONGS! PLEASE!....please... please.. *hic* please...]

[Hols... I promise....*sobs* I fucking promise... I didn't mean to dump this on you.....I didn't fucking mean to set off this shit..fuck.. I really am a sorry!*sobs* I'm so fucking sorry it ended like this..... ]

[t-thank you... thank you.....fuck hehe guess my times closing in.. fuck. ... Was fun. .. haven't thought that clear in years..... were both fuck ups.. *sniff* but were at least each others fuck up? eh?]

[Yeah.... we really are two relics that caused *sniff* one helluva domino effect... lets try to fix some shit..]

[Y...Yeah that's the fucking idea ma'am.. gonna fix some shit.. along with other things we'll touch on later... bu....but veronica *yawn* she's top shelf shit ight now.. I'm gonn....im gonna be one fucking helluva mentor.. heheheh.. ...I'm gon.. im gonna teach so much shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit]

[*THUD*]

[Hols? HOLS!? Holly!!!! FUCK..FUCK! MEDIC! VERONICA!? ANYONE! HELP ME GET HER INTO A BED! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.... ]

[Here! ....gods..... Holly? ......no time... Grab her arms! c'mon girl...ok good.. she's breathing.. just out cold... must've had a long night..

[*grunt* easy... there we go... *sniff* gonna have some more skilled or experienced people look at you... just. stay in bed till we get some answers ok?..... please... *sobbing* fuck... IF SHE FUCKING TRIES TO LEAVE TRANQ HER! *hic* fuck.... I'm so sorry Hols......please rest well.. you'll need it.]

[fuck.....fuck..... Balancer!?...... just fuck..... breathe Leones fucking breathe.. veronica? ]

[Yes Leones?]

[please keep an eye on her... she'll need a more. positive face to wake up too tomorrow....if she asks for a stiff drink deny her.. mixing alcohol and the after effects sounds like another recipe for disaster..]

[i need a minute.... that fox deserves the rest... goodnight veronica..]

[will do! and yes.. you do need rest too...........Handler]

============End of Playback===>

[ask-the-king-in-yellow]

You're a good parent, pretty king

Just stop threatening your kid's friends, she cares for them a lot

You wouldn't want to make her sad, would you?

-🪐

i am tired of her.

[asexual-levia-tan]

cale describing choi han's eyes as being the same as after harris village and asking whats wrong with him as if cale didn't just announce in front of his group that he's not afraid to die while holding his own life hostage to get the enemy to do what he wanted