stargazing - can i adopt?
One of the most common misconceptions out there (among others) is that the average person who chooses to adopt is someone who suffers from infertility or some such reason as to why they are unable to carry a birth child, that they then explored the route of IVF, and upon this being unsuccessful, eventually wound up considering adoption as a “last resort”, or their Plan C. While it is certainly my anecdotal experience that this does make up a sizeable portion of the adoption community, I learnt very quickly this is far from the full picture. On beginning our journey, I was quite surprised to learn just how varied people’s driving forces were for going through the process, and just how many people I met who had had neither infertility issues nor even necessarily tried for a biological child first. This was both revelatory and refreshing to me – at times, it meant me checking my own biases and natural inclinations to go down the “who deserves it more” route when I had so desperately longed for a child for years, but it also meant that by the time I finished my adoption preparation classes (more of those in another blog), I had a much more well-rounded view of the types of families that made up the adoption community. My own journey to adoption specifically probably merits its own entry (here), but for the purposes of this entry, a reminder that I arrived at adoption as our first choice for building a family after discovering I was infertile several years earlier and taking time to research our options. As I’ll doubtless repeat several times throughout this blog, adoption is very much centred on finding a family for a child, and not necessarily finding a child for your family. This is a difficult concept to get your head around as it sometimes is a little over-simplified in the one-track way adoption is discussed with you early in the adoption screening process to check your eligibility. Of course, ultimately, those of us who are choosing to adopt are not doing so purely for selfless, altruistic reasons (more of that in a later blog too! See, I told you I had a long list!), and so to see things from this point of view takes time and considered reframing of every expectation you might have had about how a child was going to enter your family.
Because of this, the initial recruitment, screening and assessment processes that adoption agencies undertake with interested parties produce what I like to think of as a beautiful tapestry of all sorts of different people from all sorts of walks of life and personal circumstances – and so if you make it through to one of the initial stages, the adoption preparation classes, you may find yourself sharing the journey with a much wider range of people than you expect. Just some of the motivations for adopting might include:
- Infertility or inability/difficulty to carry a birth child to term
- Being single, and making a positive life choice to parent solo
- Having had personal experience of adoption, either as an adoptee, or from having grown up in a family of adopters
- The desire to start a blended family with existing birth children
- Being in a same-sex couple who would like to start a family
- Particular personal beliefs or motivations borne from life experience or outlook
- Being a family relative or friend of a birth parent applying to formally adopt the child through kinship adoption
And so many more besides.
With this in mind, adoption agencies have to think carefully about both how they appeal to this diverse range of prospective adopters, but also how to best prepare people for whether or not they are likely to be accepted to apply. If a prospective adopter were to look at an adoption agency’s website, they would likely only find a very short list of absolute eligibility criteria or exclusions, which is encouraging. The truth is that a far more varied range of people can adopt than you might expect and that most people who express an interest will be accepted. However, that said, this is one point where hearing from experienced adopters on the nuances and real-life factors behind how application decisions are made can be useful. I certainly would have panicked less about some things, and prepared better for others, had I have known some of what I know now. So here we go…the official vs unofficial guide to that big question, “who can adopt?”. Please bear in mind as ever, this blog is based on my and friends/acquaintances anecdotal experience of adoption, and so my experiences will not necessarily be accurate for you, but I have built up through sharing stories with others, a pretty good picture of what tends to be the case which I hope will be useful.
Can I adopt at any age?
The short answer to this is - almost. Officially, adoption agencies state you must be 21 to apply to adopt in the UK and they rarely set a definitive upper limit.
Generally speaking, adopters, especially those who come from the infertility road, tend to be older than the average profile of birth parents. This might be because of the years taken up by say infertility treatment, trying for a birth child, or reaching a decision, or may be because some have come to explore adoption later in life after already having a family (in some instances who may already be grown up) etc. What I would say is that as a couple in our early 30s, we were noticeably younger than most (but not all) people we encountered on our prep course and the adopters we’ve met virtually or at in-person groups. Whilst our age wasn’t a huge talking point, there were some pointed questions about how sure we were in our decision, and we did encounter quite a few comments in the early days about why we didn’t want to pursue a biological family first and having “plenty of time ahead of us” (this links to a blog I’ll do about the relationship between adoption and infertility). Adoption agencies are particularly interested in life experience, and until they know you well enough to know better, some may inadvertently patronise you without meaning to, and so you do have to learn to bite your tongue a bit! Don’t worry – if it is your dream to adopt but you are on the particularly young side, persevere – agencies will deliberately challenge you on first applying to see whether you have the grit and resilience to persist. Don’t be surprised if you feel pushed away on first applying, or a little dismissed – be prepared to show them why you want this, and the life experiences you have which would support your application (think of this as a test though it’s very hard not to at times!)
As I say, not many agencies will set an upper age limit, and I’ve seen people well into their 50s adopt young children under 2. However, they will want to be reassured about factors such as your lifestyle, level of fitness, and ability to cope with the demands of a very young, energetic child. For this reason, older adopters may not always be matched to a child under 5, but this is very much at the discretion of the agency and on individual merit, and it’s likely that from mid 40s onwards, you may experience more persuasion to consider adopting an older child. There is a “myth” out there that you need to be a maximum of 45 years older than your child, but this is just that, a myth. Agencies will certainly consider longevity and security in considering the likelihood of somebody being fit and well to parent their child at least until the age of 18, but this will not dominate their thinking if you can reassure about your health and lifestyle.
Can I adopt if I identify as LGBT?
The answer to this one is yes, yes, and yes. Prospective LGBT adopters can understandably feel concerned that they will face discrimination in the process and not be accepted given societal attitudes that can still be quite prevalent today. Historically, adoption agencies have indeed been justifiably criticised for outdated and ignorant practice that at times left LGBT applicants to feel unwelcome or discriminated against in the past. Over the past ten years or so, agencies have made huge efforts and leaps in diversifying their recruitment campaigns, educating themselves, and shifting with the times, and are genuinely welcoming of the LGBT community in a way I don’t think people felt secure of historically. I can honestly say that my experience (with the caveat that I do not have lived experience of adopting as an LGBT person) is that LGBT adopters were very much welcomed and sought, and many many, LGBT people adopt in the UK. I have met many LGBT adopters throughout my journey, none of whom have ever shared feelings of being discriminated against in the process. Adoption agencies these days actively recruit for a diverse range of adopters and LGBT adopters are actively sought for many children for a wide range of reasons.
I would mention however, that as with any issues associated with identity, sexuality is discussed with all adopters and you will be asked to be reflective about any impact or relevant life experiences associated with identifying as an LGBT person may have on your own parenting style. For example, some LGBT adopters may be asked to reflect on significant life experiences such as “coming out” to their own parents, and how, if at all, they felt this has impacted on their own views about parenting, and how to support children through issues around their sexuality or gender identity.
Can I adopt if I smoke, drink or use drugs?
Okay so..
Smoking – Officially, yes. Unofficially, expect it to be very difficult to get through initial screening if you, or a member of your household, currently smokes, or has smoked within the past 12 months. Agencies take children’s health and wellbeing very seriously and many will have a policy of not matching children under 5 to smokers, and some may not accept any applications from smokers. My own partner had given up smoking for 3 months, and many agencies wanted him to achieve at least 6 months abstinence. The agency we went with were more flexible given that he had already given up and would be given up for a full year by the time we were matched, but I know this is a real deal breaker for many agencies, and can also hugely affect the matching stage where it can often be an unofficial criteria that makes the difference between being shortlisted for a young child. My advice for you would be to certainly aim to have shown some abstinent time by the point of application (6-12 months ideally). And please don’t be tempted to be dishonest. Any medical records referencing you as a smoker will be found (believe me!) and some agencies will ask you to have a recorded lung capacity test by a GP.
Drugs and alcohol – Bearing in mind that many adopted children will come from a background of parental substance misuse, sometimes throughout the pregnancy, use of substances is taken seriously by agencies and your attitudes to, and experiences with both will be analysed in detail as part of your assessment. You will be asked to be honest, and transparent in reflecting on your current and past use, and again, it is likely that medical records will be accessed, so please don’t be tempted to minimise or downplay anything. Agencies aren’t expecting perfect people. They will expect things like teenage experimentation and won’t be horrified if you tell them about some recreational use in your past. Historic addiction issues aren’t an absolute barrier to applying but if this applies to you, agencies will want strong, compelling evidence of committed, sustained abstinence, and will need your consent to speak to any relevant therapists or support workers from your past. If there is any hint of a risk to your sobriety, or that you haven’t resolved these issues fully, it is likely to be a deal breaker. Agencies will want to see that you are resilient in the face of stress, have strong support networks in place, and be satisfied that relapse is not a significant risk in your life.
As far as everyday use goes for most of us, they will want to discuss your alcohol intake, how alcohol fits into your lifestyle, and your attitudes and beliefs about it. This is as part of regular health and lifestyle questions. As substance misuse is so prevalent in adoptive children’s backgrounds (I would say it is one of the most common backgrounds you’ll come across), they will want to be reassured that you would commit to any lifestyle changes as appropriate in the interest of your child’s wellbeing. It may be considered inappropriate for some children to be exposed to alcohol at home.
Do I have to be well-off or debt-free to adopt?
No. Low income, unemployment, or being in benefits will never automatically bar you from adopting. Many people have the old-fashioned idea in their heads that it is only very middle-class people who adopt and while there may be some argument for it being somewhat easier to adopt the more financially secure you are, this doesn’t amount to needing to have a high income. There is lots of financial support available to adopters on low income to help you adopt and I’ve met many people who have low income or are on benefits who have successfully adopted.
The main thing agencies will look for is financial stability, no prohibitively major debt, and an ability to absorb the additional costs associated with raising a child. You will also be asked to seriously consider the possibility that your income may drop after adopting, either through returning to work full time, or because of other circumstances that may arise. You don’t have to have huge savings, but they are keen on the idea that you can cope with the financially unexpected, and that may be harder to evidence if you are paying off major inflexible debt agreements or are entirely dependent on one income stream.
As part of the process, you will undergo financial checks against things like CCJs, or bankruptcy – and you will also usually be asked to provide bank statements. You will also work with your social worker to work out pre-and post-adoption budgets based on current/projected income/outgoings. If there is a serious imbalance this may be a hard hurdle to overcome, but don’t be disheartened if money is a little tight – agencies can sometimes offer grants or bursaries to help low income adopters adapt to a child and buy essential items. There is no room for financial prudeness though! Be prepared to talk about income, outgoings, debts, any money issues from your past, household division of financial responsibilities, and to discuss your spending habits.
Do I have to own my own house, and live in a large house to adopt?
Again, no. You can rent, own, or live in council housing, no problem, as long as you can evidence security (i.e. you are making your payments fine, and there is no reason why your accommodation will become insecure any time soon). The only main things to consider are that social workers will expect you to have a spare room per adopted child. So, if for example, you wish to adopt siblings, they would be unable to share a room with certain exceptions. Personal space is considered very important for many adopted children’s sense of security so I’m afraid this is one that is rarely budged on. Your home will also be subject to a health and safety assessment, and you may be expected to make some (usually minnow) adjustments if deemed necessary. Usually these amount to nothing more than adding stairgates, fire blankets etc, or making adaptions to a bit of a risky garden, but you will hear some tales of adopters being asked to complete more significant work. Also bear in mind that moving house during the adoption process, or any time soon after your child moves home is generally frowned upon as understandably disruptive for a child who may already have endured several moves in their short lives, so my advice (where possible) is to get any moves out of the way before embarking on the process (if nothing else it’s another stressor you really won’t need!)
Can I adopt if I have physical or mental health issues, or disabilities?
Again, as with many other factors, this is discretionary but will certainly never be a barrier to you applying in most instances. Your assessing social workers will again, expect you to be transparent about any past or current health issues, or disabilities, and to be willing to be entirely open about how this impacts/ed your life to date. This is a supportive measure for the most part, to help you consider which type of children you would be most suited to, the kind of home you can provide, and any likely issues which may conflict with your ability to consistently care for your child(ren). Generally, I have found that adoption agencies are very unlikely to turn anybody down at the first instance, and instead will just genuinely want to understand any complications better, and how they can support you through this. They will require you to have a thorough health check as part of your initial assessments, and this will unearth any medical records, so again, honesty is key, as is being able to be proactive in explaining how you utilise your support network, and any treatment/therapies/medications to self-manage any health issues. There are of course exceptions, and unfortunately because agencies will want to be reassured you are fit and well to parent a child at least until the age of 18 or so, sadly because so many adoptions are borne from loss, you may need to prepare yourself for some agencies being unable to accept your application, only where there is very good reason. That said, agencies use their discretion in this regard, and the profile of children looking for families is so varied, that it is absolutely worth persevering in talking to a number of agencies. Many will see past or current health issues or disabilities as a testament to your resilience and life experience, and it will be framed very much as a strength in many applications, as well as providing the ability to empathise with circumstances that may be present in adoptive children’s circumstances, so I would encourage you not to rule yourself out without having a conversation. It’s also worth making sure you can pre-empt any questions which may arise and consider what your responses may be.
There are 2 main issues that tend to come up a lot in adoption forums: mental health issues and weight. This is purely anecdotal, but I have heard many adopters say that their weight was picked up on at assessment, usually tied to BMI. There’s a lot of debate about this stance, and I have my own feelings about it, but suffice to say that should you have a high BMI, it is likely that this will at least be discussed with you during assessment and you may be set some (hopefully sensitive, realistic and measured) goals to work towards. The view taken by agencies ties in to the above about longevity of health to be there for your child, but I can completely appreciate this is a problematic and nuanced issue, and I certainly know it’s not always been handled that well. However, for the most part, this should feel supportive and non-judgemental (as it’s possible to be) and certainly shouldn’t be framed as a deal breaker. If so, my advice would be to seek another agency who will work positively with you to collaborate on healthy goals.
Mental health issues are tricky. Again, this is about honesty and trust. It can however feel incredibly exposing. My partner and I have both suffered with depression and sought therapy to deal with this, and my partner at the time of application was taking anti-depressants. I won’t lie and say this wasn’t an issue for our application, but mostly it was just about being open to discuss our triggers, how we felt our mental health is now, how we utilise support etc, and certainly wasn’t a barrier. Many agencies will however, want to see reassurance that you have reached a place of stability (this might mean as in our case, being on medication, or having gone through therapy to address our issues), and that you would not be afraid to seek help again in the future if needed. They are also likely to want to speak to any previous therapists you have worked with, to get a better insight into your past issues. This felt really vulnerable for me. I’d spent two years in counselling about some very personal issues and I was very anxious about my counsellor revealing a lot of detail. Please be reassure that social services will not pry unnecessarily – they will usually just want a brief overview of the issues which led to you seeking help, and some reassurance of the therapist’s view of your suitability to adopt. It may mean that you need to waiver some rights to confidentiality, but any good therapist, as did mine, will never disclose more than is strictly necessary. If you are concerned about your privacy, I would advise having a conversation with your therapist about what you are comfortable to disclose, and your agency about how they plan to approach this conversation so you can be reassured. You will have lots of opportunity to reflect on the potential impact of any mental health issues on parenthood throughout your assessment, and this is something a supportive social worker will be able to help you with.
What about work and study?
This is another aspect of your lifestyle that will be discussed during your assessment but this is very much just to gain an understanding of your time commitment for a child, any adjustments you may need to make in the future, and how this may impact on your ability to fully commitment to the application process. People from all sorts of working backgrounds adopt – from full timers through to the self-employed or unemployed, and it’s really just about being realistic about the demands on your time. Something to bear in mind is that agencies are keen for you to take as much adoption leave as you feasibly can, which will impact on your finances. Many push for a year, though some are flexible. They’ll usually want to know you’ve thought about different scenarios, such as if you had to take more time off than planned, or if something happened which meant you (or your partner if applicable) had to give up work, how you would cope. They’re not looking for you to say that anything is possible – they live in the real world, and understand that finances play a big part in family decisions, but the assessment will help you to calculate some scenarios, and understand what some of your lines in the sand may be.
As for study, this is usually not a major concern, but do bear in mind agencies understandably want to know that you have the time to commit to the process. We had quite an upsetting conversation at the initial stages as one of our social workers was concerned about my partner doing his Master’s alongside our app. Luckily we were able to demonstrate how he managed this, and show some flexibility should things not go according to plan, but again it’s just worth having prepared some thoughts about how you will balance/prioritise your commitments.
I already have biological children – will this be a barrier?
Many adopters already have birth children, and this should not be a barrier to an application in the slightest. Agencies will usually, however, require that the adopted child is the youngest of the family by a few years. This seemed random to me on first hearing it, but when explained makes sense. Adopted children are likely to need a lot of support to settle into an established family, and tensions can understandably occur when things like birth order are disrupted or other very young children may be competing for attention or similar care. So, for example if you have a young toddler, it may be sensible to proceed with an application a couple years down the line. Also, see the point about adoptive children having their own room and space within the family home. Finally, your assessing social worker will want to talk to any existing children about their feeling about an adoptive child coming into the household, and this will be factored into your assessment.
I’m single – can I adopt alone?
Yes! Loads (and I mean loads!) of people adopt singly these days, it’s actually become so normal nobody bats an eyelid and I met plenty of single adopters on my journey. Single adopters can be really valued as there are some children for whom a one to one parental relationship would be incredibly beneficial due to their needs. The only possible thing I can think of is that agencies may wish to discuss the impact of future relationships and dating on your family life, but this is just under the general umbrella of “things to discuss during assessment” and certainly nothing to worry about. Again, it’s just about providing reassurance about support networks, and prioritising your child’s needs.
I’ve had infertility treatment in the past – how soon can I adopt?
Ah this is a big one. Many adopters have been on a journey through infertility, and some will have been through emotional traumas associated with it such as pregnancy/infant loss, miscarriage, unsuccessful IVF treatment and unexplained infertility which may remain unresolved. A huge part of the adoption journey will involve really being able to reflect on all of these issues in a deeply personal way, which may at times be very painful. It will be an issue that your social workers will want to explore very thoroughly, and so it is a good idea to brace yourself for questions that may arise, some of which may be very personal and feel quite raw for you. This is a very big area to discuss, so I’m planning to do a whole separate blog entry about this. However, as a general rule, most agencies will want you to have made what they would term a “positive” decision to adopt after having come to acceptance about not bearing a biological child (at least for the foreseeable future). As someone with infertility, I understand fully that there is no “end point” to the grief this provokes, and no social worker worth their salt will seriously expect you to say that you have made conclusive peace with this. They will understand that the adoption process itself will bring up new challenges for you in relation to this (believe me, it can and it will) and they will support you to reflect on this, but they will want to see somewhat of a “line in the sand” drawn between past attempts at a biological family and your adoption application. Agencies will generally want a substantial amount of time to have passed between any last rounds of IVF treatment, and are likely to want you to have accessed therapy to address the feelings that infertility has brought up for you. It is also particularly hard for people in this position that it is not uncommon for them to ask that you use contraception whilst going through the process. This feels especially difficult if you have been diagnosed with infertility anyhow, and they will understand. Unfortunately, but perhaps understandably, agencies need to be adequately reassured of your full commitment to the process, that you have taken all measures possible to resolve feelings of grief and loss, and that an adopted child will have sufficient time to settle into a family without this being disrupted by an unexpected pregnancy (however remote the chance). This is a really tough thing to get your head around, and you’ll need to be honest with yourself about your feelings on this and where you are at before applying.
I have a criminal record, am I going to be rejected?
It may surprise you to know that again this is not an automatic barrier. The only offences that are strictly cause for exclusion are those concerning offences against children or certain sexual or violent offences against adults. This also applies to any other members of your household who will be DBS checked alongside you for your application. Again, honesty honesty honesty! Agencies will look much kindlier on applicants who are honest about their past and are able to reflect on what they have learned from their experiences, and how their life has moved on. Agencies will consider how relevant convictions are to parenthood, and the length of time that has passed since the crime.
I had a difficult childhood myself; will they find me unsuitable?
At the risk of repeating myself, reflection and honesty are the key. Many adopters come from difficult childhoods themselves, and in most cases, this will be seen as a strength and a sign of resilience if anything. Adopters who have the life experiences to be able to empathise with, and be non-judgemental of, the type of life stories adopted children come with, will be greatly welcomed. As I said before, agencies are definitely not looking for “perfect” unbroken people untouched by life’s tragedies. I think I was sceptical of this when I first entered the process, but very quickly learned adoption social workers really value the qualities these bring with them. Adopted children need parents who will not shy away from tough conversations about taboo social issues such as mental health, domestic abuse, substance misuse, poverty, sex working, to name but a few, and sometimes at what would be a much younger age than other children would even become aware of the existence of these things. Not only that, adopters who can offer their insight into these traumas themselves and help their children resolve difficult feelings about how these factors interplay with their birth heritage without invoking feelings of shame, are so needed. Please don’t let any worries about this put you off applying. Social workers would be very glad to hear from you.
Well this has turned into quite the essay, and I’m sorry if it’s left you feeling frazzled. I hope that it has shown you that adoption is a much more diverse path than you may expect, that there are far less barriers than you might anticipate, but also some very real conversations you do need to have with yourself and others before embarking. It’s impossible to convey everything I wanted to about these things on one blog, so I am always very willing for answer any more specific questions through DM.
Until next time!