Now what?...
I'm left eating my words, doing exactly the thing I know I'm not supposed to be doing--which is wallowing in these crappy feelings and stewing over what I said versus what I coulda/shoulda said.
"I tried so hard. I tried to do it all so right."
...until I was right in the thick of my negative emotions and charged ahead blindly anyway!
I was trying to force the action, force the result, force his perspective.
I hate the way I talked to him. I hate that I placed blame. I hate that I judged.
It's so easy to feel enlightened and evolved when there's no challenges.
Now, I'm "eating crow" and feeling like a self-righteous jerk. Now, I'm seeking guidance.
(...Girl! Why couldn't you have just practiced what you learned? I thought that was the whole point of this blog??)
Why? Because maybe that was how it was supposed to happen.
I spent the evening watching Abraham videos, letting her wisdom sink into me; and this morning I woke up with her in my ear:
If we all just went around being uber-polite, walking on eggshells, trying not to upset or offend anyone, there would never be any catalyst for change, for expansion.
It took me two days, but I realize now that even though I cannot stand by my words, I stand by my convictions and my beliefs. I want to be able to speak my mind. I want to be able to stand up for the things I feel passionate about.
(...not if it's to the detriment of someone else, if it hurts their feelings, says the little do-gooder inside my head.)
And to that, Abraham would say that I can only hurt someone's feelings if they allow me to, only if they believe on some level that what I've said is true, but that they are trying to deny.
And for him to immediately write me off for speaking my mind proves, at least in my eyes, that I hit too close to home.
What if that was what he needed to hear, even if he didn't want to hear it?
What if I planted a seed of clarity? A tiny shred of doubt that what he's holding on to is not serving him anymore.
What if that shred of doubt could sprout into better understanding, a more open-minded approach, and less of a let's-milk-this-for-all-it's-worth attitude.
And not just him, but me as well.
What if that was the contrast that I needed to become the kind of person I desire to be?
Yes, I could have handled it differently. I could have appeased him. I could have bowed out gracefully (again). But maybe, just maybe, I wasn't supposed to.
Abraham says this is a great place to be--when you're feeling the difference between who you really are and who you are being and wanting to do something about it.
And the fact that the feeling is so very strong, hopefully means that I am so very close to getting it right. Although Abraham says I never will. That would defeat the reason for living. To live is to learn. To learn is to grow. We are forever evolving.
And now, in honor of my "positive pivoting" entry I will follow my own advice, by talking myself back from that emotional cliff (with a few quotes from Abraham sprinkled in for good measure):
Amy,
You have been passionate (some might say stubborn, some might say hypocritical) in holding to your ideals. You have always done what you thought was best in the moment of doing it.
Lament only for a little bit that you lost sense of your guidance.
You don't have to be perfect. Your mistakes do not define you, they are helping you grow.
Don't try to water down your beliefs just to see someone else's point of view that you can never see.
Know that your actions came from a place of sincerity and love.
You are a good person. You're on the right track.
Your desires are valid. The Universe is bringing you what you want.
Everything's right so just hold tight.
XO
~me
