The Girl on the First Floor
Crossing the street on his way to Barnes&Noble, UnlikelyPUA first saw her. She came in speeding from the western intersection where either the traffic light was green or she has a heavy foot when it comes to hitting the gas pedal. That intersection's traffic light is never caught green, not even when it's green. She must have burnt a good quarter of a gallon in that short stretch. He was waring his favorite leather flip-flops, which as a strange coincidence are the only ones he has, and walking from his apartment across the street when he saw her. Hard not to notice a red bug, speeding through the narrow road, almost hitting him had this happened a good minute before it actually happened. She went into Barnes&Noble for a Chai Tea and a good dose of gossip magazines with their perfectly photoshoped bodies and irresistibly fake smiles, portraying even faker high power relationships. A whole bunch of bullshit, yet irresistible as good bullshit always is. He went into Barnes&Noble after a PUA session: videos were watched; post were read and re-read; advise columns were scanned and nodded upon; forums were accessed and browsed; cute girls with large breasts were Googled and enjoyed. And a decision was then made: UnlikelyPUA was going to stop bullshitting himself and start getting this part of his life straight. He was going to stop being a PUA geek -one who reads and watches videos but who does not act upon, and was going to take it to the real world. She sat with her Chai Tea and across from her the opportunity: an empty table she was facing. UnlikelyPUA already had his coffee and his magazine about writing -he had not taken a pee but he was not feeling the urge yet and would not feel it for the next two hours and twenty seven minutes. But he decided to take his anxiety up the escalator to the second floor and to a table facing a fat guy picking his nose and a lady whose sexual prime has long passed. But then it happened. And it came roaring like a thunder on a TV with the mute on. But it happened. He said to himself "I am going to go downstairs, sit across from her, said something, open her, and proof to the cosmic consciousness that I came equipped with a pair of male balls. I am going to stop being a pussy and to take my PUA game to the real world". He then lazily stood up, picked up his unopened magazine, grabbed his lukewarm latte, rolled the napkins he had taken and put them in his pocket, and on he went to the balcony to ponder his approach. "Oh, fuck!" -he whispered to himself with a hint of relief. The table across from her is now taken. A young lad, sporting a colorful shirt and large biceps had taken the table. He was even facing the girl. "Double fuck" -said UnlikelyPUA, knowing quite well that it was the end of it all. He then went back to that table in the corner facing the fat guy who was still fishing for a bugger in his right nostril and the lady whose sexual prime was long gone. And for the next twenty minutes he decided to write a post. When UnlikelyPUA wrote that last paragraph he stood up, gathered his belongings and made his way to the first floor. He sent positive energy for the dude with the big biceps to get the fuck out of that table and for the cutie to still be there. She was there and the guy was across from her too. After a stop in the men's room to take a P from Mississippi, the guy was still there and the cutie as well. A table behind her and obstructed by an obtrusive structure was free. Well, the table was not free anymore because UnlikelyPUA sat there and started typing and thinking how to proceed from that point on. And "how to proceed" had all to do with how to engage the girl and nothing to do with the dude with the big biceps. What to do, how to do it, when to do it, body language, intonation, voice projection, smile, seriousness, approach, open, build comfort, break rapport, qualify, sexually escalate the interaction. Number close, e-mail close, Facebook close, MySpace close -ok, maybe not that one, home address close, kiss close -or kill close if he was a serious murder, and finally the fuck close without forgetting the boob touch close, boob kiss close, blow job close and all that stuff until she swallows it. And when he was ready to make some type of move, the girl made her move. She picked up her empty cup of coffee and left the bookstore. And someone, somewhere, got laid tonight and lived happily ever after but not UnlikelyPUA who was last seen typing some non-sense shit into his blog, never to be seen again.