#unsentletter

[unsent-letters-to-u]

today, 13th of april, I went to the mall with my sister. Its exactly a week to your birthday, and I won’t be there to celebrate your 18th with you

we passed by a perfume shop and i asked my sister if we could stop by for a little because i’ve been wanting to try a specific perfume. the one you told me you always wore, the one you told me you used too much even for simple tasks like taking out the trash, and your dad would yell at you to stop wasting expensive things.

the guy at the shop sprayed a bit on a piece of paper as a sample and when i first smelt it, the smell of the alcohol was still too strong and stung my nose. the guy asked me if it was a gift, because it’s a men’s perfume. i thought of you as i said yes.

we thanked him and we left with the papers, i smelt it again when we were walking away and it was the most heavenly perfume i’d ever smelt. It wasn’t too strong or too soft or too oudy or too powdery. You told me that “if you ever smelt it i’m sure your pants will fall down from how good it is”. i thought you were exaggerating and i didn’t think you had good taste but damn. you really do.

I listened to music while thinking of you in my bed when i was supposed to be asleep, and i kept the papers close to my nose, trying to imagine you in my mind for the 35th night since we broke up.

the smell of the perfume has already started to fade, i can only smell a trace of it unless i let the paper touch my nose. once the smell goes away, I’ll go back to the shop and ask for another paper again. and i will keep going back until he remembers my face and refuses to let me have more. then, i’ll go to the same shop in a different mall and I’ll have enough papers to make a collection.

but no matter how many times I go back to ask for more, the scent will fade. and no matter how much i try to hold onto your memories, you will never come back.

[rekatakusuma]

Tanpamu Ternyata Aku Baik-Baik Saja

Ramadhan tahun ini tak ada lagi kamu. Tak ada lagi kekesalan karena kamu susah dibangunkan sahur, dan tak ada lagi kamu yang selalu mengucapkan selamat berbuka puasa.

8 bulan kepergianmu. Dulu kepergianmu membuatku takut, takut jika saja aku tak mampu tanpamu. Selalu kuhadapi pertanyaan yang sama; jika bukan kamu, siapa? Tapi Tuan, ternyata aku salah. Dulu aku memang terlalu naif dan terbutakan akan dirimu.

Tuan, ternyata kepergianmu membuatku belajar akan banyak hal. Rasa sakit yang kau tinggalkan mampu mendewasakanku, membuatku lebih tegar dan belajar mengikhlaskan. Kepercayaan yang kau hancurkan membuatku lebih berhati-hati lagi. Tak ingin lagi aku terluka akan hal yang sama.

Kini, hatiku lebih lega. Aku tak perlu mengkhawatirkanmu karena ada seseorang di sisimu. Mari kita saling melupakan masa lalu. Lanjutkan langkahmu tanpa menggenggam tanganku, aku tahu kamu pasti mampu hidup lebih baik lagi. Begitu juga diriku, tanpamu akupun akan baik-baik saja.

[unsent-letters-to-u]

the more time passes without you the more I realize how immature I was when I had you. I was so flawed and so stupid that I wonder how you even liked me. I always said the wrong things and embarrassed myself when I was with you.

I’m a better person now. I know how to hold a conversation, how to dress, and how to feel confident. I’m more honest now and I stopped hiding things.

I hate how it took you leaving my life for me to realize that I have to be better. Seeing how hurt you were forced me to change and I’m sorry for it

I miss you

[unsent-letters-to-u]

i miss your terrible english. i found it so cute but you always thought i was making fun of you.

[unsent-letters-to-u]

i’m starting to forget how to speak your dialect

[unsent-letters-to-u]

you stopped telling me goodnight and i stopped sleeping well.

[unsent-letters-to-u]

even though you never didn’t want to talk to me again, i still never wanted you to be a stranger. i’m still here if you or your family need anything.