Unswag wants to kill you so badly it makes him look stupid
He's trying, okay???
So, if Swag is what you get when the Riddler decides he's had enough, and chooses to become the opposite of what he is, Unswag is what you get if that choice was never made.
He showed up I think three separate times, and the last time he got his shit wrecked so hard by his twins girlfriend that he decided to start dating her too.
He considers himself retired, rather than reformed, and while he's decided that trying to return to the lifestyle of the Riddler isn't in his best interests, he's not really trying to be a good guy either. Like Swag before him, and technically him before Swag, he's trying to figure out what he wants to do with himself.
Unswag has some divinatory capabilities, being able to see into different versions of his own reality, usually to to observe the possible outcomes of an action. He doesn't always choose wisely though. He is also able to see spirits and other invisible things, as well as the energy signals of living things. It's very obvious when he's doing this, as his eyes glow brightly.
He is not very friendly, even to Family. Think feral cat behavior. He is extremely finicky about touch, and who he allows to touch him. Even if he deigns to touch someone, that doesn't count as permission to touch him. He's aware of these issues and trying to work on them.
But oh, boy is it hard. Everyone is just so stupid. He has to hold back constantly. Aren't you proud of him?
The thing is, they are technically, literally, and figuratively the same man.
Geez, I just wanted to redo this piece, but it still needs so much cleaning up? I don’t know why this scan is so dirty! Anyway, I know he would be unlikely to keep it, but I love Unswags original mop hair.
And eight years later, I’m still yelling about how hard Swag’s hair is to draw. Damnit, It’s difficult!
So Unswag is the parts of Swag that he hated about himself, and he still expresses traits Swag tries to suppress. He’s introverted, aggressive, gets angry. He only gave up under extreme coercion, and is still dangerous, but he is not the Riddler reborn. Like Swag, he is looking at trying out new possibilities. He is not becoming like Swag, he expresses himself differently, relates to people differently, feels and processes emotions differently.
Unswag can still see. He’s one of only three Riddlers capable of touching magic (Himself, Detective, Narci) It’s very clear when he is doing it, as his eyes glow, and he usually uses it to measure the possible outcomes of an action, but he can also see unnatural beings like ghosts or fae.
He’s slowly getting over the germ fear, but still feels most comfortable with his gloves on, even in situations where nothing else is.
There is still plenty of tension and friction between them, but he and Swag actually work very well together. Neither feels any remorse about leveraging this to their mutual benefit. These occasions are some of the rare times Unswag feels a real sort of self acceptance.
The two of them refer to each other as twins, but never as brothers.
He has the potential to be a good dancer, but not the experience.
His relationship with Helix is a complex and slightly twisted thing. It’s based on old, possibly false memories, having the same tastes as Swag, the fact that she bested him, and bone deep terror. He is very afraid of Helix, but expresses it as attraction due to the aforementioned things. Like Swag, he has a very hard time denying her anything. (No seriously, go back and look, Swag literally never tells her no, and she never calls him by his nickname to his face. They’ve been like this since the beginning, and I have written it into their dynamic.)
He’s the only one in the entire Family who knows what she’s actually capable of. Arkham thinks he knows, and Narci thinks xie knows, but they do not. But Unswag saw in those thousand worlds, what happens when a less soft Helix decides you’re too much of a threat, and it was gruesome, creative, and very, very persuasive. He does not step out of line with her, and rarely initiates anything without Swag nearby. If only so that he’s sure there will be a witness.
Still really likes apple pie though.
Good cuddler, almost clingy, but he’s not as, uh, friendly as Swag, so very few people know it.
Secretly likes K-pop.
What Actually Happened
While there is no such thing as fate, there is such thing as probability. In the context of worlds, there are certain occurrences that have an impact, decisions made that lead the timeline in a certain direction. But for every decision, there was another that could have been made, and if the result is important enough, a new world can develop from that. For example, Bruce Wayne's parents NOT being murdered is an occurrence significant enough to cause a reality mitosis, a whole new universe coming into being like cellular mitosis.
This can also lead to mutant universes, where things that would be completely impossible in mainline universes can occur. Things like the Justice League being actual dinosaurs, or the Scarecrow being inexplicably gigantic and cannibalistic. Mutant worlds tend to have a lot of extra ambient magic upholding their aberrant realities.
Swags world is one of these mutants. His world is not a cell, it's a blastocyst, a myriad possible worlds that never fully separate, but cluster together in ever greater numbers, the metaphysical membranes remaining thin and permeable. Occasionally, they bleed into each other, showing glimpses of worlds where Swag is converted into a computer program that has to build its own android body, where he's a traveling rock star, a magical girl.
When Helix created her circle, she didn't mess up. The circle did exactly what it was supposed to do: trap Unswag by placing him slightly out of sync with the world. In a normal universe, this would have had no other effect. In this mutant universe of worlds within worlds, it exposed him to all of those possible worlds and all their underlying magic, all at once and for a prolonged time.
He couldn't interact with those worlds in anyway, but he could see what happened in them, and still can, if he tries. The power doesn't work and magic is inaccessible to him when he is not in his own universe. So, if he was visiting YJ, say, he wouldn't be able to do it. Even in his own world, he can only look into the other parts of his own universe.
The color never comes back. Some mechanism in the process of creating it was destroyed. He remains that pale forever. With magic, anything permanent comes at a price.
Narci
Our baby would be about twenty-eight now, all grown up, healthy and strong. Xir clone body ages more slowly than xir natural body would have.
Narci is kind, thoughtful, gentle, loving, and absolutely obliterates people on occasion. Like Helix, xie is no vigilante, but xie is compelled to help if xie sees people in trouble. Unlike Helix, xie sometimes opts for more permanent solutions.
Xie has a lovely singing voice, a useful thing in casting spells, or team building exercises with ones mentor.
Xie is engaged in some mild gender fuckery
Narci has settled into a specialty in conjuration and energy manipulation. Yes, that means xie can cast magic missile.
Narci doesn't metabolize the magic very efficiently, causing light to leak from xir eyes and mouth when casting, and permanent black staining on xir fingers. Visually, Narci's magic appears as a ghostly, pale green glow.
This is Narci's third body, the second lost in a reckless attempt to help someone else.
Narci can't fly, but xie can double jump. Also, xie can control xir own local gravity-slow falls, run up a wall-and glide from heights like skating on air. These skills, combined with xir gymnastic and parkour skills make it so that, in a city, it doesn't matter that xie can't fly.
Xie is very gay.
Narci occasionally goes berserk, and the magic gets a bit fucky. People familiar with xir know to get out of the way, but the targets rarely get the chance to learn.
Xie does eventually learn how to walk the worlds unassisted, like Helix can, and regularly patrols for outside threats, earning a reputation as a cryptid on some worlds.
Narci never returns to Xir homeworld. The Riddler remains dead there, as far as anyone is concerned.
Narci's relationship with Helix is much closer and more intimate than friendship, but not at all sexual in nature. Xie would consider it a form of soulmate.
Some updates:
Nash can access magic, but only when Lust is with him, and only that which falls under Lust’s domain (enchantment, illusion), because it’s actually Lust doing it.
Unswag still can’t use his predictive capabilities on other worlds, but he can see unnatural or invisible things.
The magical staining on Narci’s hands comes from overuse of magic, is now dark red, and fades over time.
Puzzles continues to have a rough time. The balance remains extremely upset.
Song: Black Magic Woman-Santana
@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions
?~?~?~?~?
“Look, I just need to speak with her.” Puzzles insisted. “I have need of her services, and I know you have a way to contact her. I don't.”
“Yeah sure. Course I do.” Swag said, regarding him a bit like a distant scientist regarded a lab rat. “Didn't think you got along so well, though.”
“She's fine!” Puzzles said hastily. Right. The twins were uncommonly fond of the weird little witch. Personally, he didn't dislike her exactly; certainly, she could be irritating at times, but he was not always the most pleasant person to be around either, and well aware of it. “A little slow sometimes, but fine!”
Swag's mouth stretched into an unimpressed line. Oh, why did he always say so much more than what he needed to?
“She has skills none of the rest of us do.” Puzzles pointed out. “I wish to employ them.”
“Sure, dude. Good luck.” He whipped out his phone and began texting.
“Wait, you have her number? She has a number? Well, just give me her number, and I can contact her myself!”
“Sodium Hypobromite formula.” Swag said, and Puzzles paused for a moment to break the formula down into its atomic symbols. Then he ground his teeth in frustration and jumped for the phone, which Swag held high in the air, well outside the shorter mans reach. He was just about the climb the damned beanpole, when the phone buzzed in Swags hand.
“Oh, hey. That was quick. Just a sec.”
He brought the phone to his ear, keeping a hand solidly on Puzzles head, holding him at arms length as he casually chatted with Helix.
“-And you'll never guess, but Puzzlebox is here, and he's looking for you! So don't come over, he's extra nerdy today. Okay, take care babe!”
“What?” Puzzles exclaimed in dismay as Swag hung up. “What kind of petty, surly, uncivil-”
“Just wait for it.”
“Good afternoon, Puzzles.”
The young Riddler jumped and whirled to face the short woman. Her expression was neutrality spackled over amusement, and he couldn't help but feel as if they were sharing a joke at his expense.
“Um, yes. Good afternoon. I need to speak with you. Alone.” he glared at Swag. “I have need of your unique services.”
“Oh? Well, let's go into the library then.”
She led him there, to a room where the sound didn't carry. She was very familiar with the layout of Swags home, he noticed. Puzzles wasn't much of a gossip, but any information could be useful in the right circumstances.
“You want something magical.” she stated. “You'll have to tell me the specifics. There's plenty I can do, and plenty I can't.”
Puzzles actually had no idea what she was really capable of. Magic was an unpredictable, disordered thing that he hated thinking about. And he needed it more than anything else right now, so he would wade into those dark waters, and try to ignore the shapes that coiled about his ankles.
“Can you create a body?” he asked slowly, fully aware of how suspicious that sounded.
Helix leaned forward, gray eyes narrowed.
“How do you mean?”
“A living, human body. That a spirit could move into. Prince is possessed, and I need a place to put the other spirit.” Puzzles explained.
“A vessel for a ghost? You know, I've never actually met Prince?”
“Oh...he's my...” She had never met him? No, they couldn't have met, they were both still alive. He jabbed his finger at the door. “He's like them! But for me. And he's in danger right now. So can you do it?”
“No.” she said, and he flopped back heavily in his chair. Damn it, this had been his best idea.
“But I can do something else.”
He sat back up.
“Well? This is urgent, please do not prevaricate.”
“What I think you are looking for is an homunculous of a sort. That kind of alchemical prowess is out of my wheelhouse. But...and I don't like to do things like this, at all...I can create a Soul Jar. Do you remember?”
“Remember what?”
“Never mind. A Soul Jar is an object that can house a soul. Each one must be specially made per individual, but I know how to do it. I'll need to know a little more about your possessor before I do though.”
“He was one of us once, but he died some time ago. I don't know how he came back, but it wasn't...it wasn't the same as me. He did it on his own. I honestly didn't think he had the will. He was...hmm.”
It was imperative that he picked these next words carefully. He did not want to drive her away from helping him.
“He was athletic. A gymnast. Young, beautiful, energetic. As prideful and...driven as any of us. Will he be safe in this object? What if it breaks?”
“My enchantments can prevent that. He will be safe. I'll see if I can't pull some strings and send you on the right path to a better solution as well, but the Soul Jar will get him out of your Prince in the meantime.”
“It will do. Actually, it will be much better than the current situation. What's your price?”
“A favor, to be called in at a later date.”
“Oh, I hate that.” Puzzles said. “Are you sure the favor can't be a huge bag of cash?”
She shook her head.
“I know you don't have much experience with magic, so please understand. This kind of sorcery cannot, should not ever be purchasable with mere money. What's the price of a spirit, Puzzles? What combination of numbers can convey the value of a human soul? No one wants the answer to that.”
“I see...” Esoteric transactions could not be expected to follow a simple tradition of monetary exchange, could they? Some ingredients couldn't be bought. Hen's teeth, the sound of a cat's tread, a baby's first laugh, and so on.
But an unspecified favor at an unspecified time...It would have to be at least equal to what she was doing for him, wouldn't it?
It was uncomfortably humbling to think that he had nothing of equal value to offer.
“How long does he have?”
“I don't actually know for certain. Prince seems to think he will be gradually replaced.”
Helix stood.
“I'll meet you at home in four days time.”
?~?~?~?~?
It was a pair of slender jade bracelets, bound together by a dainty brass chain, with a matching question mark charm. They were also enchanted to be stronger than steel, and comfortably hold an entire human soul. They rested on a folded velvet cloth, on the coffee table in the main room of his home, and Puzzles and Prince stared down at them with a critical eye.
He could see no flaw in them, and Helix had demonstrated their durability by throwing them on the floor and stomping on them, but they still looked so...delicate. These little things were expected to contain Narci?
Narci had seemed larger than life, especially at the end. Could these elegant accessories really encompass him?
Helix certainly seemed to think so, though she looked a little rough today, hair a bit limp, eyes a bit sunken. She had said she didn't like making things like this. Perhaps they took a greater toll than he would have guessed.
“These are beautiful.” he said. “But I expected an actual jar. Why is it called a Soul Jar if not-no no-thank you for doing this. I know I am not efficient at expressing appreciation, but if this works, you may have saved a life.” he paused. “Or cost more than you could ever imagine. We'll have to see.”
“Why did you have to say that?”
“This Riddler could be...trouble.” And coming from him, that was saying something. “He died in a terrible state-”
“New Jersey.” Prince interjected, and Puzzles shot him a venomous look.
“-after doing some truly awful things.” he finished.
“And you thought I would refuse to help because of that.” Helix said.
“I would have.” Puzzles admitted. “All of us would have. Yes, him too. We...he was an embarrassment. And an uncomfortable reminder of what any of us could have become. But most of all, he hurt Family. He has not yet been forgiven, making this entire situation very unstable. I won't go into further details.”
“All right. I'll find out eventually anyway.” Helix retrieved the bracelets and approached Prince.
As far as Puzzles was concerned, Helix's survival instincts didn't exist. She was cheeky as a fly in the face of a lion. Like a gentle draft, she invaded their spaces, appreciated and annoying to various degrees. So quietly self-assured, so blasé about the danger she might be in, so overly familiar when caution might be the clearer path. In fact, she was about as daring as he was.
Yet Prince unsettled her.
He hadn't yet figured out why. Prince was...barely a person. He consisted only of the Riddler persona that Puzzles had built, representative of those protective walls, the mask he'd painted to distance himself from, compartmentalize the cruelty, coldness, and violence he'd felt he needed to perform in order to pursue his chosen path. He was the shameful thrill of power through fear, the source of guilt looming huge over him, the deeds that overshadowed his name, all sieved out from him like leaves from tea.
Prince did not claim the name of Edward Nygma. Prince was the Riddler, and nothing more.
Maybe that was Helix's actual problem. She got along with Unswag, because he and Swag were literally the same man, a whole man, a man she knew and cared for in every aspect. Prince was a costume who had gotten up to dance. A hollow creation, a scaffolding that had been meant to protect Puzzles, and had instead, nearly eclipsed him.
Perhaps she found it disturbing to gaze upon what looked like a friend, and see no human emotion in those frigid green eyes. A familiar face with all care carved away, leaner and meaner than he'd ever wanted to be. A body, a huge and powerful representation of all the things that had threatened to swallow him up, a voice full of the same sway and sarcasm, but capable of turning it on and off like a robot.
Inhuman.
She stood before Prince, clutching the bracelets, even more dwarfed by him than Puzzles was, and reached out.
“Give me your hand.” she stated. Prince raised an eyebrow.
“How forward.” he teased. “Sorry to break your heart little lady, but I don't feel that way about people. Leave the blushing and mewling to my weaker half.”
Puzzles scowled. Now was a bad time, but Prince had obviously picked up on Helix's discomfort, and that was as good as blood in the water to him.
If it had been Puzzles saying it, she and he would have fallen into mild bickering. They often did. But it wasn't him, and instead, Helix spun the bracelets around her finger a few times.
“I can always leave, you know. Technically, Puzzles hasn't paid me yet. I can leave, and take these with me, and let you be slowly devoured by the spirit that you invited in. It's not my responsibility if your little cry for attention didn't go as planned.”
Puzzles eyebrows shot up, and he saw the spark of outrage ignite in Prince. Was she trying to make an enemy?
“I'll remember you said that, little lady.” Prince said darkly.
“See that you do.” she said, grabbing his hand and slipping the bracelets on over his wrist.
Helix didn't answer. Instead, she spoke a quick series of words that sounded like gravel and glass in her throat. The bracelets chimed like bells, the sound growing, resonating deeper down than just his ears.
Prince trembled visibly, jaw falling open, eyes rolling back. He collapsed in a boneless heap.
“Hmph. No resilience whatsoever.” Helix sniffed. “And he thought he was going to intimidate me?”
“What...was that supposed to happen?” Puzzles asked. “Is he going to be all right?”
The caress of magic gelled against his ribs in a way he found deeply uncomfortable. It wasn't the swift, sudden inversion of Gray magic; it was like dizziness in his blood, like existing in more than one place at the same time.
Was that how she lived her life?
“He'll be fine.” she assured. “His spirit is weak, and the separation was hard on him. Plus, he tried to resist, just as I activated the spell! A true contrarian, that one.”
“You're not wrong. He's going to be angry when he wakes up.”
“I won't be here. I do have one more thing for you.”
She handed him a slip of paper, upon which were a set of complicated instructions.
“Find her, and she should be able to help you out with a body. She's an accomplished alchemist, but she may need you to provide some of the materials. Look up how an homonculous is traditionally made.”
He did, and instantly regretted it.
“That's disgusting!” he complained. “There is no way that actually works!”
“I honestly don't know. But you see why there may be some ingredients that she could not provide.”
“I'm not giving her my-!”
“I'm not saying you need to, just that you might need to be ready to gather some unusual things!” Helix cut him off. “You want this body or not? That's up to you. I've come up to the end of my ability to help. You have to go this last stretch without me.”
Puzzles sulked, still balking at the thought of what might be asked of him.
“I'll do what I have to, just...I hope it won't come to that. But...Thank you. For all of this. Your insatiable drive for meddling has been a great help.”
Helix rolled her eyes with a grin.
You're very welcome.” she answered.
?~?~?~?~?
Turn left at Kings Drive, and pass between the signpost and the cemetery wall, left foot first.
Count exactly one hundred and nine steps.
Spin clockwise once and continue for seventeen more steps.
At the alley, enter walking backwards until reaching the bricked up door.
Knock once each on the eighteenth brick from the bottom right, the thirty-seventh, and the fifty-fifth brick, then the tenth brick from the top center, all within one minute at exactly five o'clock.
Ridiculous. But the door opened nonetheless. A very tall woman in a badly stained lab coat stood in the doorway, waiting.
“Doctor Alcyone?” he asked. “I...I need you to brew me a miracle.”
It was the greeting he'd been given, as hokey as it sounded.
“Oh? So you're the pretty riddle the little spiral sent? Come on in then.”
Puzzles didn't expect normalcy from the interior of an alchemists abode, and he didn't get it. What he got were shelves full of bones, and jars full of...things, delicate arrangements of feathers and wire. Huge, weathered books, organic looking stones, and diagrams everywhere. A whiff of ammonia, rot, animalic and floral, alternating steps. Liquids bubbled in backlit glass, corked up gourds hung from the ceiling.
Those he eyed with suspicious disgust. 'Let it putrefy in a sealed cucurbit', huh? Absolutely repulsive.
Puzzles had looked up alchemy the night before, and had remained awake into the late hours, studying in fascinated horror. He'd never needed to give it much thought before, regarding it as simply a form of proto-chemistry, or more uncharitably, ancient grifting.
And it was a little of both of those things, but he hadn't expected all the religion and philosophy that also came with it. Or the messiness.
He'd thought it was all refining metals and creating new alloys, fine tuning techniques for the making of acids, cleaning agents, medicines, with a little medieval hocus pocus thrown in to make it more of a spectacle. He hadn't known how...organic, it could be. He had even known that an alchemist had discovered phosphorus, but he didn't know it had been like that!
“So, Madam Helix tells me you require the penultimate expression of the Great Work.” Doctor Alcyone said. Her voice reminded Puzzles much of the Detective; rich and musical, and full of smug self-assurance that they know just so much more than you. “I wonder though; why should I? It is quite the undertaking after all, and I can't just go handing out homonculi to every slick fellow who comes to my door, no matter how pretty his eyes are.”
Did many slick fellows come to her door? Did many people at all come to her door? The question hovered over his tongue, but he managed to keep it in. The atmosphere felt more severe, the doctor's gaze sharper, more probing, and the conflicting scents were effecting his head.
“Well, Doctor, a man's life depends on it. Two, actually.”
“And men die every minute. You know this well.”
Well, he didn't like that.
“All right. It gives you a challenge though, doesn't it? A chance to exercise your art?”
She scoffed.
“If you know I can do this, then I know I can do it. What challenge is there in something I already know I can do?”
Oh, so it was gonna be like that, was it? This woman might know Helix, but was obviously not as gormless as the family witch.
Or was Helix's affable personality nothing more than the esca glow, to distract from waiting anglerfish jaws?
Just how much had she been letting him get away with?
And this woman, this alchemist very clearly wasn't like Helix. Maybe that meant...
“How about a huge bag of cash?” he ventured.
“Now we're talking!” she snapped her fingers. “Plus materials.”
Puzzles cleared his throat, turning a bit pink.
“Yes, ah, the materials. Will you really be needing the, um...”
“Yes.” she stated flatly. “For a human sized body, I'll need about eight fluid ounces.”
“Eight!?!” Puzzles spluttered. “I hope you don't expect it to be fresh!”
“Oh no. Frozen is fine.”
Oh. Oh. Of course!
“And...what else?”
She ticked off on her fingers.
“One large gourd, to begin with, any of this person's DNA that you can get hold of, the blood of an entire pig, and one wedding band worth of gold.”
“Oh, is that all.” Puzzles deadpanned. It seemed too simple.
She smirked.
“Some of that eight ounces does have to be yours.” she stated.
He scowled.
“Why?”
“Reasons.”
Puzzles groaned. Were all magicians like this?
?~?~?~?~?
Within the Soul Jar, he waited, biding his time. In here, he was functionally immortal, but it came with the added frustration of being completely immobile, and nearly unable to communicate.
Most annoyingly, Prince was pretending he could hear him, and having a once-sided conversation with his bracelets, putting words into his 'mouth'.
But he couldn't allow himself to be annoyed. He wouldn't be here without Prince. He owed him everything.
Yes, Prince, like Puzzles, was worthy of devotion. If he ever got out of here, he would dedicate his new life to them without question. Especially whichever one of them had gotten these magical bracelets. Prince had briefly mentioned someone new, but he hadn't been 'awake' during the 'transfer'.
Someone new? A new Riddler? Had someone come while he was gone? What was he like?
Motherly? Like-no.
Stern and intimidating? Like-no.
Innocent and struggling? Like-NO!
This was so hard. He knew when he clawed his way free of the flames, that a different kind of torment waited here. He would have to face what he had done, and who he'd done it to, but he wasn't ready. Not at all.
As a pair of bracelets though, there was little he could do. Prince carried him around everywhere, and spoke for him, even though he wasn't talking.
But he owed Prince everything, so if he wanted to wear him around as a decoration, then so be it. He would be happy just to be here.
Prince said they were making him a new body to live in. A new body. A new life. He would live again! He would be better this time, properly reverent to his superiors, like he should have been the first time.
Yes, he'd do it right this time. Just as soon as he could feel again. Just as soon as he lived again.
?~?~?~?~?
He was going to have to discard this false identity after this particular heist. It was simply too embarrassing.
He'd signed the fake name in fake handwriting, handed over the fake driver's license to the lady-why did it have to be a lady-at the desk. And now here he was, alone in this room, staring down the little cup and trying to muster up the courage to perform this part of his duty.
Puzzles felt that he shouldn't be this embarrassed about it. After all, his contribution would, in theory, be a priceless addition to this repository's collection. He was young, healthy. His brain was genius level in prowess. And damn it, he was beautiful, and he knew it!
Unfortunately for them, he wasn't actually here to contribute, and he was a bit embarrassed. He always had been shy about this sort of thing, though he viewed it not so much a flaw as a completely normal personality trait. Who wouldn't be put off by the clinical and nonchalant attitude toward something so very personal?
Well...Swag perhaps, but Swag did not have completely normal personality traits. He too, seemed larger than life, untouched by average concerns.
And kind of a super freak, but that was more Puzzles' opinion. He wouldn't be bothered by this. He'd be done by now. Where did he get that devil-may-care approach? Puzzles could really use a bit of that now.
He really didn't want to touch anything in this room, especially not the...facilitating materials provided. There was no way everything got cleaned as thoroughly as needed. But he wanted to help Narci and Prince...Why?
Prince was easy: Puzzles felt responsible for him. The man wouldn't even exist without Puzzles, he was culpable for his creation. As for Narci...
There had been potential there. Narci was different from the rest of them. He was not a born genius; he'd worked for it. Some of the others hadn't seen the value in that, but Puzzles could. He'd been more physical that the rest of them, had different skills. If he hadn't been so emotionally broken, he could have had a lot to offer.
Puzzles hadn't liked him, but he had seen the potential. And he hated to see potential go to waste.
Now there was a second chance. Puzzles wasn't obligated to help, but he felt the drive to anyway. He'd seen beyond the veil of the grave, and that changed a person. So too, had Narci, so perhaps change was due for him as well. Besides, ever since Prince had been separated out of him, Puzzles had begun to tire of the whole criminal game. The prospect of helping someone instead...the idea of it felt nice.
In theory. The reality of it was likely going to be even more annoying than what he was doing right now. But that would come later. For right now, he had made a choice, and set things in motion. He would see them through until the end.
Fifteen minutes later, he burst from the back of the building, red in the face and clutching a temperature controlled container under his arm. Orderlies followed him, but they weren't armed or anything, and he outpaced them quickly. He flung himself into his car and peeled away, hoping, begging, pleading with the universe that no one had recognized him. Yes, he'd given a false name, but his face had been on the news before, and he was horrified at the thought of seeing it there again, over a headline like “Esteemed Supervillain The Riddler breaks into sperm bank, steals ungodly amount of human cum.”
The things he did for Family.
He'd already visited the hobby store for a decorative dried gourd, and the thriving Chinese market for altogether too much pig's blood. Though he'd been dead and buried for two years, finding potential vectors for Narci's DNA hadn't actually been that difficult: Not all of Narci's old hideouts had been completely cleaned out, and in one, Puzzles had found a gnarl of his curly black hair in the long dry shower drain. Gross, sure, but it felt rather in the spirit of everything else that was going into this plan.
Now all he needed was the gold.
He'd saved it for last, knowing he would need the validation of knocking over a jewelry store after everything else he'd done today.
The security here was armed, and his clumsy smash and grab attack got their attention nearly instantly. He darted between bullets with a handful of rings, shouting riddles and insults over his shoulder. If he made a scene here, maybe no one would place him at the repository. Hopefully.
Returning to the doctor's lab was something of a pain, carrying all this nonsense while counting steps and walking backwards. She didn't even help him carry any of it, just led him back inside.
“Now let's see. Blood, gourd, oh, is that hair? That will do, yes. And...” her eyes fell on the cold case. “All eight ounces?”
“Plus three point seven milliliters.” Puzzles grumbled. “I've brought everything you asked for. This better be worth it.”
“Everything except the promised huge bag of cash.” Doctor Alcyone pointed out.
“Once I've got the body.” Puzzles insisted. “I'm not entirely sure I trust in all this malarkey. You'll get paid when I see the actual goods.”
The Doctor snickered. In the eerie light, Puzzles noticed for the first time how sharp her teeth were.
“Do you really think you have anything to bargain with here? Ah, she has spoiled you, hasn't she? Maybe if she weren't so damn powerful, she'd have had to put you in your place, and you'd know better by now. Oh well.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Pay it no mind. You should know, Edward Nygma, that you are well out of your depth, and the sharks gather, even now. Do not put blood in the water, boy. Once it starts, nothing will be able to make it stop.”
There was a quality in her voice that made him shudder inside, and he suddenly wondered if she really was, had always been, had ever been human.
“I'll just...go fetch that money, shall I?”
?~?~?~?~?
Prince was at the bar.
Well. That was different.
It was near closing time, and the scant handful of late revelers was giving him a wide berth, but he paid them no attention at all.
Swag recognized the group; he regularly had to sweep them out into the streets at closing, but tonight, all he had to do was jerk his head towards the door, and they took the hint.
There would be rumors. Prince had shown up in full Riddler regalia, and though Swag had never gone for the spandex and harnesses look, the green, and the bigass question mark on the chest would draw enough parallels.
“Evenin' your Highness.” Swag sidled up to the bar. “Anything I can get for you?”
“I'm only two years old.” Prince said, letting the deepness of his voice carry the sarcasm. Swag could almost admire his commitment to the bit.
“A'ight. How bout I get you some choccie milk then? A juice box?”
Prince frowned. “How about I wring your scrawny neck?”
“Aw, is someone grumpy? Miss your nap? Don't worry, you're only two years old. You can't be expected to keep up with the adults.”
“All right. I get it.” Prince grumbled. “Thought you could take a joke.”
“And I can dish 'em too. So, why are you here, anyway?”
“I'm just wondering about some things. About how all of you function as a group. The consanguinial implications of this whole Family business.”
“Feelin' lonely?” Swag inquired.
“Not for a little while now.” Prince said darkly. On his left wrist, a pair of elegant jade bracelets jangled musically.
“Then what?”
“How do you navigate these relationships? There is a hierarchy, clearly. How is it determined? And you, you gave it all up! You are not a Riddler. Why are you allowed in and I-” he cut himself off.
“And you aren't? What makes you think you aren't?” Swag fetched a clean cloth and began scrubbing the bar.
“None of you want me around. I am difficult. On purpose. I am unfriendly and unsympathetic. I am rude, standoffish, unpleasant to be around, and I like it that way. I am what I was made to be.”
“Does that bother you?”
“Not at all. I don't care very much about other's opinions of me. I don't care much about anything. But I wonder what it would be like if someone actually cared about me, like your little Family does for each other.”
“Hmm.” Swag swiped wide circles with the cloth. “Do you think Puzzles would offer his home if he didn't care?”
Prince snorted.
“Puzzles feels guilt over my creation. For inflicting me on the world. That's the only reason. He'd erase me if he could.”
“Eh, I'm pretty sure your head is as susceptible to bullets as anyone else's. If he wanted you gone hard enough, he'd have probably done it already.”
“About that...what if I did something awful?”
“Man, we've all done something awful!” Swag exclaimed. “Look who you're talking about. We're all the fuckin' worst. I mean, YJ might have the market cornered on 'Least Worst', since he never killed nobody, but he was still involved in some heinous shit, back in his day. We all just gotta decide what we're gonna do about it. I decided to walk away entirely. Detective kept the genius persona, but took it in a different direction. Arkham will be riddling till the reaper comes for him, and then he'll probably try to fistfight the psychopomp. There isn't really as much of a hierarchy as you think, there's just each of us finding our niche, and settling in.”
“But if I hurt one of you,” Prince persisted, “and then, say, I died. If someone hurt you and then they died, would you be satisfied?”
“Weird question. Can't say I wouldn't hold a grudge, but death is one of those things you kinda have to accept. Can't really be punished further than that, can you?”
“And if I then came back? Like Puzzles did. Would that grudge still stand?”
“Man, these are some specific-ass questions. You got something going...on?”
He'd noticed his twin creeping up behind Prince, eyes blazing bright cyan fire.
Swag was about to speak up when Unswag lunged. Prince whirled, catching the smaller man by the throat, and lifting him off the floor.
Prince was the tallest of their group by a good bit, and rather powerfully built, a physical representation of the strong man Puzzles had always wanted to be. He held Unswag in the air effortlessly and began to squeeze.
Swag snatched a length of pipe from behind the bar, and slammed it down with a loud bang. Prince flinched, and glared back at him.
“Drop him right now, or I'mma put your bones in alphabetical order.” Swag commanded.
“He is the one who attacked me.” Prince sourly pointed out, throwing his flailing counterpart into an awkward heap on the floor.
“And I'll give him a talking to here in a minute. Important part is, he ain't doin' it no more, right?”
Swag shot his twin a heated look. Unswag coughed, and refused to meet his gaze. Prince stared coldly at Swag, as if trying to decide if it was worth it or not.
The bracelets chimed softly.
“Ah?” Prince muttered quietly. “You like this one? Fine. I'm leaving. Never mind any of this, I'll figure it out on my own.”
He stalked out the door, and Swag let him, setting the pipe back in its place.
“Okay.” he said. “The fuck was all that clownshit?”
“Dead mans hands.” Unswag murmured, dragging himself to the bar. “Red strings. They pull her away from us. I won't allow it.”
Swag snapped his fingers in front of his face, and the blue light faded from his eyes.
“Yo, get a grip! What were you lookin' at?”
Unswag shook his head.
“Danger. He brought danger with him. We're in danger. She's in danger.”
Swag leaned in.
“How so?”
He continued to shake his head, shaggy hair fluttering.
“I don't-” he cut himself off.
“Okay, okay. Don't hurt yourself. So, you want his juice box?”
“I'll kill you.”
Swag shrugged.
“You always promise so much.”
?~?~?~?~?
Now we’ve really set things in motion! This chapter starring:
Helix!
Helix-1982* “The Witch”
Height: 5'0” Weight: 179lbs AL:CG
Body Count: Two (Accidental)
Danger Quotient: Negligible (Catastrophic)
Orientation: Cisgender Polyamorous Polysexual
Preferred Weapon: Magic
Favored Crimes: Trespassing-Petty Theft-Aiding and Abetting
*Helix's original world was contemporary, but took a very different historical direction. It was technologically very behind the others, and Helix is not very familiar with most modern tech.
*Helix was never a Riddler. She is included for her impact on the Family, and because they can't get rid of her.
Favored Crimes: (Then) Kidnapping-Homicide-Assault and Battery-General Heists (Now) Aiding and Abetting-Possession of Controlled Substances/(Then) Kidnapping-Homicide-Assault and Battery-General Heists (Now) Petty Theft-Identity Fraud-Cyber Attacks
Strong Points: Social Legitimacy-Social Contacts-Finance-Security-Advanced Electronics-Advanced Computing-Force of Personality (Charm)-Advanced Building Renovation-Speed-Agility-Mixology-Basic First Aid/Finance-Security-Advanced Electronics-Advanced Computing-Advanced Building Renovation-Speed-Agility-Divination-Basic First Aid
Status: Reformed/Retired
Narci?
And Puzzles!
uzzles-1990* “The Center”
Height: 5'8” Weight: 159lbs AL:TN
Body Count: Seven
Danger Quotient: Med
Orientation: Cisgender Homosexual
Preferred Weapon: Revolver-Taser-Fast Acting Fear Toxin-Improvised Blunt Weaponry-Bare Fists
Favored Crimes: General Heists-Assault and Battery-Fraud-Cyber Attacks-Aiding and Abetting
Song: The Gentle Preservation of Children’s Minds-Irving
@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions
Two years ago, on that very night-
How cliché. But it was so.
-a man, barely more than a child, had been buried, in the cheapest, most unfeeling DSS funeral imaginable.
And no one had come.
The grave had been desecrated several times since then; the grass ripped up, garbage dropped everywhere, the soulless headstone spray painted with curses, smashed with sledges.
This was one Riddler who would never be allowed to rest.
And still nobody came.
Well.
Almost nobody.
He might as well be nobody, for all anyone cared to remember him, but Prince came out every now and then, to clean away the garbage, push the broken bits of stone back together.
'Edward Nigma 1993-2011.' It was barely legible anymore.
Prince hadn't really cared about Narci, hadn't known him. They'd barely existed during the same time. And Prince doubted he would have cared even if they had known each other for years; that just wasn't really what Prince was about.
But this...disrespect. That irked him. Whatever else Narci had been, he was still a goddamn Riddler, and this disrespect was unacceptable. After all, as he was, so one day they all would be. Now, Prince did not plan on dying anytime soon of course, but what if? What if he-so often forgotten and maligned-were to die in a multiverse where this was allowed, even by other Riddlers, to happen to a Riddler's grave?
As he was, so they all would be, and if this was allowed to happen to Narci's grave, it could happen to any of them.
Once the pieces were back in place, Prince left his offering; a single green rose. It was the principle of the thing. Prince didn't care about Narci, not really, but he cared about his own future, and would not allow it to come to naught like this.
The flowers were never truly for the deceased. They were a multilayered, millennia old custom of renewal. They were the continuing lives of those who remained above the dirt. The rose was an offering towards Prince's own future. But it was the best Narci was ever going to get.
Prince heard the quiet shuffling through frosted grass, heard it stop. He glanced up to see a young man approaching the grave. See the hammer in his hand.
“What are you doing out here?” the man asked, clearly not expecting anyone to be at this particular grave.
“Paying my respects.” Prince said, dismissively sarcastic as always.
“Me too!” the man laughed, raising his hammer.
“Been out here before?”
“Couple times, yeah. Someone keeps puttin it back together. Groundskeeper most likely, but when it's gravel, he won't have to anymore.”
“Hmm. Might I do the honors?” Prince asked, eyeing the hammer, calculating the weight, the force necessary.
“Yeah man!” the young man handed it right over. “Give that motherfucker what's coming to him!”
Prince unfolded himself to his full height, an imposing presence plucked straight from the mind of his progenitor, to loom over the scornful man.
“Oh, I certainly shall.” he said, then swung the hammer hard.
The blood went just everywhere.
Well, now he was going to have to wipe the headstone clean again. Oh well.
Dropping the hammer alongside the corpse, he went fishing in his pockets for a handkerchief. A gentleman should always have one.
There was no chance to use it. The blood was...moving. The rose was moving. Drying, withering to dust, the motes rising into the air where his quickening breath condensed. They swirled together as he crouched back, taking form, ephemeral as mist, but recognizable. A face he'd never seen, a voice he'd never heard, crying inside his head, pleading, screaming. Sublimated hands reaching, desperate, numbing the skin where they touched.
“Oh...” Prince whispered, one of the very rare experiences in his short life that almost reached awe. “Oh, they are all going to hate this...”
Then he grinned, wide and wicked.
“Okay. You need something from me? Let's make a deal.”
?~?~?~?~?
Puzzles ran through the labyrinth at breakneck speed. Narci was on his heels, he could hear the boy crashing against the thick hedges at every hairpin turn. Slavering, howling like an animal, he chased Puzzles, determined to devour him, to rip what he desired from his body, like he had to those others. Blood-so much, so much-gushed from the hideous wound at the boy's throat, drenching the green leotard Puzzles had always teased him about, but the stained spandex only served now to display how physically powerful Narci had been.
Like this, in this feral, hungry state, Narci could tear Puzzles apart.
The thought seemed to trigger something in Narci, who had blundered into sight. The boy grew, larger and larger, his limbs stretching out into animal claws, mouth opening wider and wider into a black maw filled with rows of needle teeth.
Oh no, no.
He'd been here before. He knew this thing. Never ever again.
Puzzles pushed his legs further, but his knees turned to water at the sound of starving, guttural laughter yanked straight from memory. He crashed to the grass, rolling, scrambling. He had to kill this thing. He had to kill it!
But how could he kill his brother?
The Narci-monster, leapt on him, tearing its claws into his shoulders. His scream was a useless instinct that did nothing to prevent those shark jaws from snapping closed on his face.
Puzzles cracked one sticky eye open, residual terror trembling through his veins. That was it. He was going to check all the vents-again-to make sure Crane wasn't pumping fear gas through them. He could think of no other reason for this week long bout of debilitating nightmares.
There would be no further sleep tonight.
He dragged himself out of bed, towards the kitchen, in search of coffee. Shuffling down the hall, past Prince's room with its ironic little 'Do Not Disturb-I Can Do It Myself' sign, to set the brewer on high.
Laughter, from Prince's room, higher pitched than any sound Prince usually made, muffled speech Puzzles couldn't make out.
Prince wasn't supposed to have people over. Was there even anyone Prince would want over? The man had no friends that Puzzles knew of. He didn't seem capable.
The lilting sound was familiar, echoing back through his unrelenting nightmares, further than that, into the lost past...
The fresh coffee did little to thaw the ice in his gut. Was he still dreaming?
Dreading what he might see, he opened Prince's door.
The other man, the usurper of his face and motives, slowly looked up from the files he was reading, and glared.
“Do you mind?” he sniffed. “Can't you read the sign?”
Puzzles closed the door. Prince was alone in the room. There wasn't much space for hiding things in there, much less a whole person. The computer wasn't on. His phone wasn't on.
Was Puzzles hearing things now? Minor hallucinations were said to be a symptom of sleep deprivation, after all.
He'd better check those vents again. And the carbon monoxide detector. And for mold. And the water.
?~?~?~?~?
Detective settled down for the evening, crisp blankets in a straight line just under the chin, temperature perfect and comfortable. Jervis cuddled close at their side, exhausted, but content. Just another lovely night as one of the most successful people in Gotham. Their olivine eyes slid slowly closed in the quiet darkness.
An inky pool bubbled up at their feet, lapping at their ankles like a deadly asphalt seep. They stepped back quickly, trying to avoid the blackening stain. Puzzles crouched on the shore of the pool, letting the disgusting waves wash over his hands, seeking something beneath the surface. Detective wanted to pull him back, to wipe his hands clean, to banish this filth forever.
But the woman-Helix-was there now, standing between Puzzles and themselves, kneeling at the young man's side to plunge her hands into the poison goo with him.
Up to their elbows the two wallowed, seeking, seeking, the galaxy crowning Helix's head as a halo, a blood coronet on Puzzles brow, and they cried out in success, straining back, pulling.
A hand broke the surface, corpse pale and trembling. Puzzles and Helix tugged, bringing the creature forth. It opened its eyes, cornflower blue and full of madness, and the Detective screamed-
Staring into the silent darkness. There was no comfort anymore, only the understanding that something terribly dangerous had re-entered their lives, and all their safety now rested on the shoulders of their volatile son, and the outsider.
?~?~?~?~?
Unswag watched his girl and his twin spin around the dance floor while the janitor worked around them. Regular hours were unknown to Edward Nigma, and as for Helix...
She probably told the time by the folding of a plants leaves, who knew. As long as she wasn't reading it in his entrails, why should he care?
He added another turn to the maze he was drawing, a convoluted mind exercise that would never see construction. It felt like a waste sometimes, but it kept his brain occupied. Perhaps he could compile them into a book, and watch people complain in the reviews about how hard they were.
Laughter burst over the lively music; Helix had tripped, and instead of catching herself with her magic, had let herself fall onto a patch of glitter-covered floor the janitor hadn't yet reached. Swag had gone down with her, the two of them rolling around, shimmering with discarded glitter and...something else.
Something tugged at the edge of his vision, trying to intrude. Something, something, something.
The walls were weak.
He closed his eyes with a soft sigh, opened them again, and Looked.
A dozen pairs of snow white hands grasped at Helix, pulling, squeezing, choking, pleading. Red strings trailed from them, winding, binding, latticing her body with crimson possibility.
That she was in danger seemed clear, but from what quarter? Certainly not from him: though her removal might afford him greater freedoms from fear and danger, it would also deprive him of her, and despite everything, he didn't actually want that.
Helix glanced his direction and he immediately blinked, dropping the vision. It was extremely obvious when he was doing it after all, as his altered eyes glowed their brilliant cyan.
Helix and his glittery counterpart approached the bar he perched at, sharing a bottle of water.
“Well,” Swag said with a smirking glance in his direction. “Looks like we're gonna need a shower after all.”
So that was the direction the evening was going. Unswag would find the glitter a dire annoyance. But washing it off of them, to reveal fresh skin underneath...
It had promise.
He set the vision aside in his mind. He would have to think more on it later.
His maze lay half-finished on the bar for the rest of the night.
?~?~?~?~?
Arkham waved in the distance, beckoning him forth. Puzzles rushed to his lover's side, trying to play it cool the whole way.
Arkham chuckled.
“Always so eager. I missed you, Puzzles. So much.”
“Really?” Puzzles asked, a thrill zipping through him. Arkham didn't say things like that, normally. Feeling like the most special being in existence, he happily allowed Arkham to wind his arms around him.
“Oh, yeah! I thought about you a lot while I was away. Thought about everybody. I had a lot of time to think.” Something was off about his voice but Puzzles couldn't place it over the rush of his pounding heart. “I love you Puzzles. Do you love me?”
Puzzles whole body went hot, locking up with shock and elation. Love? Was it love? He was definitely attached, possessive, smitten even, but love? Love was so hard, and Puzzles sometimes wondered if it hadn't been beaten out of him as a child, alongside his innocence. But...he was so willing to try.
“Yes!” he exclaimed. “I do!”
Arkham squeezed him tighter.
“I'm happy to hear you say that. Too bad you're lying.”
“What?”
Puzzles looked up into the older mans face and couldn't see his eyes. Blood was running from his mouth, from a horrendous gash at his throat, and Puzzles couldn't see his eyes!
“You never loved me, Puzzles. Nobody did. Nobody ever even came to visit me, except Prince. I loved you so much, all of you so much, but you couldn't wait to forget me!”
The squeezing was too tight now, forcing him into silent gasping.
“Don't you remember what it was like, Puzzles? To be cold and alone, and dead? You were there too, once. Do I need to remind you?”
Arkham flung him backward, into a deep hole, back into that accursed black box, and the lid slammed down, encasing him in heavy darkness. Puzzles tried to scream and couldn't; his jaw was wired shut, his lungs flooded with formaldehyde. He was bound by his ill-fitting funerary suit, pulled tight over his torso, to hide the stitches where he'd been eviscerated, and he could feel it, feel the cold and the still, but he couldn't move.
He was a spirit, trapped within his own corpse, wailing silent in the dark.
And he was not in here alone.
Something was trying to invade his frigid body, to join him in his eternity of agony, and its intrusion was almost as sickening as the sound of worms scraping at the wood.
:Don't you remember me, Puzzles? I was your brother. I would do anything for you. I just need to be remembered.:
He knew that voice, that soft and airy voice, such an unlikely vector for the horror it had wrought.
With incredible effort, Puzzles forced his eyes open.
Though it was still dark, it was no coffin, and his breath was stifled not by an unresponsive cadaver, but by a hand on his throat. Prince mantled over him like a vulture, staring with wide-eyed intensity.
“Hiya, Puzzles!” he said, feather light voice not his own.
With a choked cry, Puzzles flailed his arms and legs, landing several heavy blows that knocked Prince to the floor.
“Ohh...pain.” 'Prince' said, savoring the sensation with shuddering delight. “Wonderful...pain...”
“Narci!?!” Puzzles gasped. Was he really awake? Could this really be happening?
“You remember me!” Narci-in-Prince cried, tears in his voice. “I found a way out. Of Hell. As long as I stay inside something, they can't take me back. You can't let them take me back!”
“Tall order.” Puzzles sat on the edge of his bed, trying to process what he was hearing. “The nightmares...that was you wasn't it? You've been torturing me for weeks!”
“I was trying to communicate. But every time I did, your mind went to such dark places...”
“Gee, can't imagine why!” Puzzles snapped. Narci wanted to be remembered? For what? The intensely personal string of betrayals he had perpetrated against his Family? For his grating and overly arrogant personality? For his unrelenting failures?
“I know! I know...Let me earn it! I'll dedicate everything to you. Every part of me can be yours to command.” He fawned at Puzzles feet, a groveling display that felt so wrong coming from Prince's body. Puzzles kicked him away, repulsed.
“How did you even get in there?”
“He invited me.” Narci said, gazing up at him with doe-eyed adoration. “He's the only one to ever come to my grave. He invited me to stay.”
“Oh sure, because we all know how selfless and sharing Prince is. An absolute saint, and not at all a truculent bastard who routinely does things for the express purpose of pissing me off.”
“Then ask him yourself!”
Prince's eyes rolled back in his head, and he collapsed for a brief moment, before shuddering back to wakefulness.
“Woo! That's a trip. The hell am I doing in here?”
“Making my life just so much harder.”
“Oh really? Excellent.”
“Cut it.” Puzzles said. “Do you know you're possessed right now?”
Prince smiled.
“Took you long enough to figure it out, genius. Is it nice, having your friend back?”
“Do you have any idea what you've done? He's supposed to be dead! Why would you offer to let him do this? I know you have some kind of motive, because the goodness of your heart is nonexistent.”
Prince shrugged, but he was still grinning wide at Puzzles obvious distress.
“He just wants to be remembered. And you know what? You all want to forget me too, sweep us both under the rug, but now you can't. He's back, and I'm the one who brought him, and now none of you can ignore us anymore.”
“Bastard.” Puzzles groaned, rubbing his face in tired frustration. “You complete bastard. Just what exactly am I supposed to do about this?”
“Beats me.” Prince said. “You're the one with all the friends. All the weird, magical, supernatural friends. Surely one of them can figure something out. Better hurry though. The longer he's in here, the more likely it is that I'll be permanently put to sleep. You don't want to lose another one to him, do you?”
“Absolute bastard.”
?~?~?~?~?
Now introducing: Prince!
He’s an asshole!
Here’s a quick profile:
Prince-2015 “The Usurper”
Height: 6'4” Weight: 209lbs AL:NE
Body Count: Unknown-Increasing
Danger Quotient: Very High
Orientation: Cisgender Asexual
Preferred Weapon: Electrified Cane-Knife
Favored Crimes: Kidnapping-Homicide-Torture-Assault and Battery-Cyber Crimes-General Heists
Strong Points: Security-Advanced Electronics-Advanced Computing-Deathtraps-Basic Building Renovation-High Pain Tolerance-Retro Electronics-Retro Computing-Basic First Aid-Hybrid Electronics
Status: Active
Also sorta reintroducing: Unswag!
He is also an asshole! But he’s getting better??? Maybe??? A little???
(Author’s note: Swag and Unswag are not brothers. They are the same man. Two possible life paths existing in the same timeline. For further reading look here and here and this blog.))
Favored Crimes: (Then) Kidnapping-Homicide-Assault and Battery-General Heists (Now) Aiding and Abetting-Possession of Controlled Substances/(Then) Kidnapping-Homicide-Assault and Battery-General Heists (Now) Petty Theft-Identity Fraud-Cyber Attacks
Strong Points: Social Legitimacy-Social Contacts-Finance-Security-Advanced Electronics-Advanced Computing-Force of Personality (Charm)-Advanced Building Renovation-Speed-Agility-Mixology-Basic First Aid/Finance-Security-Advanced Electronics-Advanced Computing-Advanced Building Renovation-Speed-Agility-Divination-Basic First Aid
Status: Reformed/Retired
Also starring: Puzzles!
Puzzles-1990* “The Center”
Height: 5'8” Weight: 159lbs AL:TN
Body Count: Seven
Danger Quotient: Med
Orientation: Cisgender Homosexual
Preferred Weapon: Revolver-Taser-Fast Acting Fear Toxin-Improvised Blunt Weaponry-Bare Fists
Favored Crimes: General Heists-Assault and Battery-Fraud-Cyber Attacks-Aiding and Abetting
Alright, so...I can explain.
You see, once upon a time, there was an askblog...
Anyway, I found an old harddrive from like 2013, and wouldn’t you know, a bunch of old, half-finished art and writing were on it! Well, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how hard the nostalgia train can hit, Soooo, I finished one.
This is expanding on an event that happened on the blog. Some of you may remember. Most of you will have no idea what the hell is even going on, I wrote this for like, seven people. I don’t even know if they’re all still here.
This is a tale of our dear Helix, the Swaggiest of all Riddlers, and the one Riddler who was completely dripless.
Content warning: LANGUAGE. Our boy has a mouth on him.
For @cardwrecks especially, but the rest of you know who you are.
All of his fucks having been used up for the day, and the fucks bank still closed, Swag simply threw on a horrendously tacky bathrobe and settled down to eat some breakfast. As wild nights went, this had not been the style he preferred. Quality time with Puzzles was always appreciated, of course, but the sheer headache left over from consistent inebriation was getting to be a problem again. He'd have to try to do something about that...one more time. Getting sober was a challenge that never actually ended.
He had put away two bottles that had been left out-chocolate liqueur and pomegranate vodka, which tugged at something in the back of his mind, blocked off by the hangover fog-and tucked into his pancakes.
What to do, what to do? Swag had his greatest enemy tied up and stuffed into the kitchen wastebasket, awaiting trial by Riddler, but really...what was he actually going to do with the guy? His smoldering hatred notwithstanding, Swag didn't think he could just flat out kill the man, if only for the deeply uncomfortable symbolism that would create. If only Unswag felt the same, but not avoiding certain doom wasn't his greatest talent. No one could hate like him, except perhaps for...him.
The fog cleared slowly, beaten back by bites of pancake. Puzzles had gotten a photo of Unswag, fuming and defeated on the kitchen floor, bound with fairy lights, in a festive hat. Swag grinned at the memory of the other's humiliation. Happy holidays to him. He was going to have that photo framed. Possibly blown up to poster size.
He turned his head-too fast!-at the sound of shuffling and a kitten yawn. A woman, chocolate brown hair, pomegranate colored skirt. Helix.
Swag remembered.
They'd built a bridge of sorts last night. Opened up. Of course, a little too much alcohol had been involved, but Helix seemed to be handling it well. She barely looked bleary at all. Unfair.
Helix yawned again, regarding him with sleepy eyes.
“Nice bathrobe. Looks comfy. Hmm. Those pancakes? Thought I was gonna cook. Distinctly remember saying that.”
Welp. This was a little awkward. To be so preoccupied with a manifestation of his own self hatred that for a moment he'd forgotten his guest.
She'd been here the entire time. Innocently sleeping while he and Puzzles wrestled with his inner demon. God, Unswag had been trying to get upstairs! What if he'd gotten past them? What if he'd made it up there, where she had been resting? He'd been part of Swag right up until the moment he wasn't, he'd probably known she was there!
“Did I miss something?” she asked.
Swag pushed the plate of pancakes in her direction, and she took a seat next to him.
“Here. You're welcome to 'em. Eat up, I've got some explaining to do. Unless you'd like a shower first?”
She shook her head, curls messy, like she'd just raked her fingers through them instead of brushing.
“Nah, I'll catch a shower at home. I have a specific routine, and I don't think you've got the supplies I need. So, Puzzles was here? Was that what all the racket was?”
She'd heard all that? Damn.
“Yeahhhhh,well some stuff happened. Unswag showed up, again, so Puzzles and I teamed up to take him down. On a related note, don't go into the bar kitchen. I've got some extra trash in there right now if you know what I mean.”
Her gray eyes had narrowed down.
“Whooo is 'Unswag'?” she asked.
Ugh, the name sounded utterly ridiculous in her mouth. This was not a woman whose tongue had been built to say a word like 'Unswag'. What loving god could have allowed this travesty to occur?
“Just some fuckin' nerd.” Swag griped. Helix's eyebrows went up at his acid tone.
“That doesn't exactly narrow it down.”
“Oh man, so you really don't know about it?” His hand found its way into his hair. “Heh, probably for the best, but...he's, uh...well. It's just a dumb nickname for the part of me that's a huge douchebaggy asshole who's not nearly as fabulous as me. And the part of me that was the Riddler. So...that's who. He's...kind of awful.”
Swag mumbled that last part, quietly slurring the words together, trying not to let the self loathing slip in front of her.
“He's was a part of you? Did he split out of you like an evil twin or something? Like Prince did from Puzzles?”
Swag didn't even bother to hide his surprised stare. She was taking this rather easily! And how had she even known about Prince and Puzzles?
“How did you...?”
“Do you remember anything we talked about last night?” she asked.
His sheepish smile held a hint of a wince.
“I remember that we talked...”
Helix sighed.
“I'm a witch. Do you remember? Things like this...Well, I'm not going to say that things like this aren't weird, just that I don't find them completely unbelievable.”
“Oh.” Magic. Oh joy. Didn't the universe just love throwing that shit in his lap. Not that Helix was in his lap or anything. Not that he was suddenly thinking about it or anything. But Helix didn't seem dangerous, and she had been harassed by the same anonymous, malice-making, gray-faced pranksters as he had.
“I guess it is like Puzzles and Prince. This time, at least. First time he showed up, he was in my body. Or. Our body? Replacing me. Or...being me. Or me being him? Us being who we used to be. If I'd never got past it. We were me, if I'd never stopped. That's who he is. But after that, he had his own body. Which is exactly like mine, except not as good, obviously.”
“Obviously.”
“Anyway, it's really confusing. But yeah. It's not a perfect one to one, but like Puzzles and Prince, essentially. I wanna call him the 'evil' twin, but that would necessitate me being the 'good' twin and...I'm not.”
Helix placed her hand over his.
“Don't gotta be.” she said, finishing off the pancakes. “Just gotta be better, right?”
Swag glanced down at her hand, small in comparison, and a little rough, nails painted a lovely teal-and melted a bit under the warmth of the gesture.
“I was...just warning you. That he's down there, in case you hear screaming or something. He's fine, just tied up in the garbage can.”
“What are you gonna do with him? Can't keep him in the garbage forever. That's super gross.”
“Shhh, I totally can. I own the place after all, I can do what I want. And what I want is to keep an evil nerd in the garbage. Where he belongs. Forever.”
He paused, and blew out a long, quiet breath.
“I don't actually know what I'm gonna do with him. And I'm too hungover to think right now.”
Helix hopped down from her chair, and patted his back.
“What's your favorite cure?”
“Scrambled eggs.” he muttered. “But you didn't hear it from me.”
“I'll keep your secret safe. And I'll make you some eggs. But, uh, If I can't go in the kitchen, how will I do that?”
“Oh, there's another kitchen up here, I just didn't want you goin' in there and maybe getting hurt.”
Swag stood, offering an arm, which she took.
“Lead the way. So is he really dangerous?”
“He's a hateful little ball of anger, and he wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone out of spite. He's dumb. But tricksy at the same time, so yeah. Hella dangerous. I need to talk to Puzzles about how we want to resolve this situation, since he's kinda the unofficial Riddler Rehabilitation Program right now-do not tell him I said that-so until then, we have to be careful not to leave Unswag to his own devices. Which...I have done...by leaving him alone...Unsupervised...”
His palm met his forehead with the force of a thousand fucks.
“Stay here! I'm gonna go check the cameras.”
He dashed off, natural speed and knowing exactly how far he could slide in his slippers on this floor taking him to the control room in seconds.
The bar kitchen camera showed Unswag, still wrapped in lights like a festive caterpillar, laying on the floor, staring blankly into nothing. He'd managed to knock over the trashcan and wriggle out, but hadn't gotten far. Swag assumed that dragging his face across a kitchen floor had simply proven too much for the mysophobic dickhead.
The upstairs bar camera showed Helix, hiding behind the bar, holding the neck of a Chianti bottle like a baseball bat. Swag smiled at that. Decent instincts, that girl.
He returned shortly, clearing his throat to let her know he was there.
“Okay, we're good. He's, uh, just sitting there. Doing nothing. Got out of the can though.”
Helix replaced the bottle.
“Can he get free?” She asked. “I assume Riddlers are good with knots, but I also assume that goes both ways.”
“Maybe? Not immediately, I don't think, but maybe eventually. I just gotta make sure it holds until Puzzles can make time. Like, this feels like an emergency, but Puzzlebox has a lot on his plate right now, and he's ultimately my responsibility anyway.”
Helix contemplated the bottles on the wall.
“Would you accept my help?” she asked.
“Uh, sure? Don't see what you're gonna be able to do about it though.”
“Got a few tricks up my sleeve.”
She was holding a piece of chalk. Where it had come from, he hadn't seen, but it was light blue, and had spirals and flower patterns pressed into it like a cylinder seal.
“I can lock him in a circle. Temporarily at least. It'll buy you some time without having to worry, since these bindings can't be untied.”
“Not following you...” he said slowly.
“Circles and spirals are important in many kinds of magic. They guide. They create boundaries.” Helix explained. “I specialize in spacial and dimensional control. So, if I draw a circle around him, he won't be able to leave that area, and you won't have to worry about him untying himself and running off. He won't be able to cross the barrier. Then, you and Puzzles and whoever have plenty of time to figure out what to do with him.”
“Huh, really? That's neat. Okay, yeah! Thanks! Let me go get dressed, and we'll take care of this.”
Maybe it was like the salt circles in Hocus Pocus. Keep a witch out. That would be rude though, he didn't mind this witch being here. As long as she behaved. Or at least, didn't go around causing trouble like the gray ones did.
He fastened his belt, idly wondering if Helix could wear silver jewelry or not, or if that was just a werewolf thing.
When he was dressed down to the gloves and had his hair in order, he returned to her. She had also taken the time to freshen up, arranging those chocolate curls and applying her lipstick.
“All good?” he asked. She nodded.
“Take me to him. And then I'll see to those eggs.”
“Sounds like a plan!”
Again he offered her his arm, and again she took it. Acting the gentleman covered up the fear of having to face his worst enemy again.
Unswag writhed in anger when the lights went on, only managing to flop like a landed fish. Swag noticed that his feet were getting loose of the fairy lights they'd used to bind him.
He paused when he noticed Helix.
“What's this? Brought one of your whores to gawk at me?”
“Haha, hey, shut the fuck up loser.”
“Would it be better or worse if I was?” Helix asked. Unswag paused for just a moment.
“So it knows how to speak. You've got this one trained well.”
“Listen you weasely motherfucker-”
“Why's he got washrags down his shirt?”
Swag shrugged.
“Cause he hates them. Cause hes an asshole and he deserves it.”
Helix patted his arm in a comforting gesture he couldn't put a reason to. Then she let go of him and approached Unswag, kneeling down beside him as he tried to worm away.
“The hell are you doing?” he demanded. “Get away from me you filthy hussy! Don't..Don't you fucking touch me!”
Helix calmly removed the washcloths and tossed them in the sink, while Unswag spat insults and threats like a rabid ferret.
“Welp.” she said, stepping away. “I'm gonna need a strand of hair.”
“If you come near me again, I swear I'll tear your hands off!” Unswag screeched.
“Gosh, it's almost like you can't make good on any of these threats.” Swag snarked. “She just did you a favor, you ungrateful little twit. I wouldn't have.”
“I am not thanking some thick-witted cow-”
“Luckily,” Helix interrupted. “I have a secondary source.”
She glanced up at Swag.
Of course. Right down to the DNA. Swag tugged at the longer portion of his hair until one came loose. He handed it off to Helix with a cruel smirk in Unswag's direction.
She wound it around her fancy blue chalk, which she presented to Unswag as if he would have any clue what it was for.
“If you're planning on putting that somewhere, you little freak, you've got the wrong guy.” he snapped
“Only because you're such a tightass, you couldn't even handle that.” Swag snapped back.
“I'm not the sex-crazed manslut in this room now am I? You've made yourself worthless for anything else, you used up rag of a-”
Helix tapped her chalk sharply to the tiles and began to draw. The sound of it radiated wrongness, the scratch and squeak melding in an echoing ebb and flow like a Tibetan singing bowl that was more felt than heard. It grabbed both mens attention, held it tight.
Color and soft light flowed into an interlocking pair of spirographic patterns Swag was somehow able to identify as the apparent retrograde movements of Saturn and Uranus from the perspective of Earth, and couldn't for the life of him pick out how he knew that. Outside of this, Helix began a new circle, interspersed with runes and sigils, finished with a triskelion, centered by a triangle knot.
“Do you know what this is?” she asked.
“Yes, bimbette, I too, know basic geometry.” Unswag drawled.
“You don't know.” Helix said. “It's okay. You will.”
She raised her hands, sung a few pure tones into the air, and the circles erupted into light. Swag was blinded for a few moments, though he could hear Unswag yelling in surprise.
Once he blinked the stars from his eyes, he saw Unswag, standing in the center of the now softly glowing circles, the fairy lights in a messy coil at his feet. A manic, evil expression crawled over his face.
“You dumb bitch.” he sneered. “You just made a big-oof!”
As he leapt forward, he slammed into nothing, and bounced back, like hitting a glass door.
“What...what the fuck?” Unswag pressed his palms against the invisible barrier, slamming them against the impermeable nothingness. “What is-what did you do? How did you do this?”
Helix said nothing, eyes locked on his as it broke into him exactly what position he was now in.
“You... how-you-you're one of them! Aren't you? The gray things!”
He snarled at Swag, who was simply pointing and laughing.
“You stupid, gullible waste of air!” he screamed. “You hate these things too, but you're so led by your own dick that the instant one comes to you wearing a pretty face, you crumble! You're even more worthless than I ever took you for, and I didn't think that was even possible!”
“Aww, you think I'm pretty?” Helix asked, and Unswag recoiled from her. “You're not bad yourself, you know. Nice cheekbones, cute nose. Such intense eyes. Sensuous mouth, if a little foul.”
Swag found himself stuck between laughing more at Unswags obvious horror, and also maybe being a bit flattered. After all, they were also his nice cheekbones and cute nose.
“Cunt!” Unswag shrieked, throwing himself at the barrier again. “I'm going to kill you! I'm going to tear open your ribs, rip out whatever organ allows you to do this, and crush it in front of you! And I'll make him watch! I'll cut your face off and shove it down his throat! I will obliterate you for this!”
“Okay, that's enough.” Swag said. “She's right, that mouth is downright filthy.”
“When I get out of this-and I will. Get. Out. Of this. She's first on the list. On live TV. Even dental won't be able to identify what's left!”
“Yeah sure, whatever dude. Just keep wasting oxygen. We've got places to be. Right babe?”
Swag glanced down at Helix, whose face was carefully calm, but whose hand tight on his arm betrayed her discomfort. He understood. This little douche rat was kinda hard to take. Even small doses made him sick, and he was him...sorta.
“Now you stay in your corner and think about what you've done. Let's go.”
He led Helix away as Unswag broke into incoherent rage screaming behind them.
Swag found the eggs especially delicious. Whether that was from Helix's cooking, or just the smug taste of victory, Swag did not care. He was going to enjoy every bit of sweet safety this brought him.
Helix had left after the victory eggs were had, with the promise to come back and reinforce the magic circle in a few days. He thanked her dearly for her help, and invited her to come back literally any old time, so they could have a proper, uninterrupted by maniacs, breakfast. And if she wanted to spend the night beforehand, he wasn't opposed.
Swag got his presents wrapped, a whole load of anxiety gone from his slim shoulders. Once finished, he gave Puzzles a quick call.
“Heyyy, Puzzlebox! I've got some good news! And also some interesting info, if you were thinking about continuing to talk to Helix...”
