The Binding of Unswag
Alright, so...I can explain. You see, once upon a time, there was an askblog... Anyway, I found an old harddrive from like 2013, and wouldn’t you know, a bunch of old, half-finished art and writing were on it! Well, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how hard the nostalgia train can hit, Soooo, I finished one. This is expanding on an event that happened on the blog. Some of you may remember. Most of you will have no idea what the hell is even going on, I wrote this for like, seven people. I don’t even know if they’re all still here. This is a tale of our dear Helix, the Swaggiest of all Riddlers, and the one Riddler who was completely dripless. Content warning: LANGUAGE. Our boy has a mouth on him. For @cardwrecks especially, but the rest of you know who you are.
All of his fucks having been used up for the day, and the fucks bank still closed, Swag simply threw on a horrendously tacky bathrobe and settled down to eat some breakfast. As wild nights went, this had not been the style he preferred. Quality time with Puzzles was always appreciated, of course, but the sheer headache left over from consistent inebriation was getting to be a problem again. He'd have to try to do something about that...one more time. Getting sober was a challenge that never actually ended. He had put away two bottles that had been left out-chocolate liqueur and pomegranate vodka, which tugged at something in the back of his mind, blocked off by the hangover fog-and tucked into his pancakes. What to do, what to do? Swag had his greatest enemy tied up and stuffed into the kitchen wastebasket, awaiting trial by Riddler, but really...what was he actually going to do with the guy? His smoldering hatred notwithstanding, Swag didn't think he could just flat out kill the man, if only for the deeply uncomfortable symbolism that would create. If only Unswag felt the same, but not avoiding certain doom wasn't his greatest talent. No one could hate like him, except perhaps for...him. The fog cleared slowly, beaten back by bites of pancake. Puzzles had gotten a photo of Unswag, fuming and defeated on the kitchen floor, bound with fairy lights, in a festive hat. Swag grinned at the memory of the other's humiliation. Happy holidays to him. He was going to have that photo framed. Possibly blown up to poster size. He turned his head-too fast!-at the sound of shuffling and a kitten yawn. A woman, chocolate brown hair, pomegranate colored skirt. Helix. Swag remembered. They'd built a bridge of sorts last night. Opened up. Of course, a little too much alcohol had been involved, but Helix seemed to be handling it well. She barely looked bleary at all. Unfair. Helix yawned again, regarding him with sleepy eyes. “Nice bathrobe. Looks comfy. Hmm. Those pancakes? Thought I was gonna cook. Distinctly remember saying that.” Welp. This was a little awkward. To be so preoccupied with a manifestation of his own self hatred that for a moment he'd forgotten his guest. She'd been here the entire time. Innocently sleeping while he and Puzzles wrestled with his inner demon. God, Unswag had been trying to get upstairs! What if he'd gotten past them? What if he'd made it up there, where she had been resting? He'd been part of Swag right up until the moment he wasn't, he'd probably known she was there! “Did I miss something?” she asked. Swag pushed the plate of pancakes in her direction, and she took a seat next to him. “Here. You're welcome to 'em. Eat up, I've got some explaining to do. Unless you'd like a shower first?” She shook her head, curls messy, like she'd just raked her fingers through them instead of brushing. “Nah, I'll catch a shower at home. I have a specific routine, and I don't think you've got the supplies I need. So, Puzzles was here? Was that what all the racket was?” She'd heard all that? Damn. “Yeahhhhh,well some stuff happened. Unswag showed up, again, so Puzzles and I teamed up to take him down. On a related note, don't go into the bar kitchen. I've got some extra trash in there right now if you know what I mean.” Her gray eyes had narrowed down. “Whooo is 'Unswag'?” she asked.
Ugh, the name sounded utterly ridiculous in her mouth. This was not a woman whose tongue had been built to say a word like 'Unswag'. What loving god could have allowed this travesty to occur? “Just some fuckin' nerd.” Swag griped. Helix's eyebrows went up at his acid tone. “That doesn't exactly narrow it down.” “Oh man, so you really don't know about it?” His hand found its way into his hair. “Heh, probably for the best, but...he's, uh...well. It's just a dumb nickname for the part of me that's a huge douchebaggy asshole who's not nearly as fabulous as me. And the part of me that was the Riddler. So...that's who. He's...kind of awful.” Swag mumbled that last part, quietly slurring the words together, trying not to let the self loathing slip in front of her. “He's was a part of you? Did he split out of you like an evil twin or something? Like Prince did from Puzzles?” Swag didn't even bother to hide his surprised stare. She was taking this rather easily! And how had she even known about Prince and Puzzles? “How did you...?” “Do you remember anything we talked about last night?” she asked. His sheepish smile held a hint of a wince. “I remember that we talked...” Helix sighed. “I'm a witch. Do you remember? Things like this...Well, I'm not going to say that things like this aren't weird, just that I don't find them completely unbelievable.” “Oh.” Magic. Oh joy. Didn't the universe just love throwing that shit in his lap. Not that Helix was in his lap or anything. Not that he was suddenly thinking about it or anything. But Helix didn't seem dangerous, and she had been harassed by the same anonymous, malice-making, gray-faced pranksters as he had. “I guess it is like Puzzles and Prince. This time, at least. First time he showed up, he was in my body. Or. Our body? Replacing me. Or...being me. Or me being him? Us being who we used to be. If I'd never got past it. We were me, if I'd never stopped. That's who he is. But after that, he had his own body. Which is exactly like mine, except not as good, obviously.” “Obviously.” “Anyway, it's really confusing. But yeah. It's not a perfect one to one, but like Puzzles and Prince, essentially. I wanna call him the 'evil' twin, but that would necessitate me being the 'good' twin and...I'm not.” Helix placed her hand over his. “Don't gotta be.” she said, finishing off the pancakes. “Just gotta be better, right?” Swag glanced down at her hand, small in comparison, and a little rough, nails painted a lovely teal-and melted a bit under the warmth of the gesture. “I was...just warning you. That he's down there, in case you hear screaming or something. He's fine, just tied up in the garbage can.” “What are you gonna do with him? Can't keep him in the garbage forever. That's super gross.” “Shhh, I totally can. I own the place after all, I can do what I want. And what I want is to keep an evil nerd in the garbage. Where he belongs. Forever.” He paused, and blew out a long, quiet breath. “I don't actually know what I'm gonna do with him. And I'm too hungover to think right now.” Helix hopped down from her chair, and patted his back. “What's your favorite cure?” “Scrambled eggs.” he muttered. “But you didn't hear it from me.” “I'll keep your secret safe. And I'll make you some eggs. But, uh, If I can't go in the kitchen, how will I do that?” “Oh, there's another kitchen up here, I just didn't want you goin' in there and maybe getting hurt.” Swag stood, offering an arm, which she took. “Lead the way. So is he really dangerous?” “He's a hateful little ball of anger, and he wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone out of spite. He's dumb. But tricksy at the same time, so yeah. Hella dangerous. I need to talk to Puzzles about how we want to resolve this situation, since he's kinda the unofficial Riddler Rehabilitation Program right now-do not tell him I said that-so until then, we have to be careful not to leave Unswag to his own devices. Which...I have done...by leaving him alone...Unsupervised...” His palm met his forehead with the force of a thousand fucks. “Stay here! I'm gonna go check the cameras.” He dashed off, natural speed and knowing exactly how far he could slide in his slippers on this floor taking him to the control room in seconds. The bar kitchen camera showed Unswag, still wrapped in lights like a festive caterpillar, laying on the floor, staring blankly into nothing. He'd managed to knock over the trashcan and wriggle out, but hadn't gotten far. Swag assumed that dragging his face across a kitchen floor had simply proven too much for the mysophobic dickhead. The upstairs bar camera showed Helix, hiding behind the bar, holding the neck of a Chianti bottle like a baseball bat. Swag smiled at that. Decent instincts, that girl.
He returned shortly, clearing his throat to let her know he was there. “Okay, we're good. He's, uh, just sitting there. Doing nothing. Got out of the can though.” Helix replaced the bottle. “Can he get free?” She asked. “I assume Riddlers are good with knots, but I also assume that goes both ways.” “Maybe? Not immediately, I don't think, but maybe eventually. I just gotta make sure it holds until Puzzles can make time. Like, this feels like an emergency, but Puzzlebox has a lot on his plate right now, and he's ultimately my responsibility anyway.” Helix contemplated the bottles on the wall. “Would you accept my help?” she asked. “Uh, sure? Don't see what you're gonna be able to do about it though.” “Got a few tricks up my sleeve.” She was holding a piece of chalk. Where it had come from, he hadn't seen, but it was light blue, and had spirals and flower patterns pressed into it like a cylinder seal. “I can lock him in a circle. Temporarily at least. It'll buy you some time without having to worry, since these bindings can't be untied.” “Not following you...” he said slowly. “Circles and spirals are important in many kinds of magic. They guide. They create boundaries.” Helix explained. “I specialize in spacial and dimensional control. So, if I draw a circle around him, he won't be able to leave that area, and you won't have to worry about him untying himself and running off. He won't be able to cross the barrier. Then, you and Puzzles and whoever have plenty of time to figure out what to do with him.” “Huh, really? That's neat. Okay, yeah! Thanks! Let me go get dressed, and we'll take care of this.” Maybe it was like the salt circles in Hocus Pocus. Keep a witch out. That would be rude though, he didn't mind this witch being here. As long as she behaved. Or at least, didn't go around causing trouble like the gray ones did. He fastened his belt, idly wondering if Helix could wear silver jewelry or not, or if that was just a werewolf thing. When he was dressed down to the gloves and had his hair in order, he returned to her. She had also taken the time to freshen up, arranging those chocolate curls and applying her lipstick. “All good?” he asked. She nodded. “Take me to him. And then I'll see to those eggs.” “Sounds like a plan!” Again he offered her his arm, and again she took it. Acting the gentleman covered up the fear of having to face his worst enemy again. Unswag writhed in anger when the lights went on, only managing to flop like a landed fish. Swag noticed that his feet were getting loose of the fairy lights they'd used to bind him. He paused when he noticed Helix. “What's this? Brought one of your whores to gawk at me?” “Haha, hey, shut the fuck up loser.” “Would it be better or worse if I was?” Helix asked. Unswag paused for just a moment. “So it knows how to speak. You've got this one trained well.” “Listen you weasely motherfucker-” “Why's he got washrags down his shirt?” Swag shrugged. “Cause he hates them. Cause hes an asshole and he deserves it.” Helix patted his arm in a comforting gesture he couldn't put a reason to. Then she let go of him and approached Unswag, kneeling down beside him as he tried to worm away. “The hell are you doing?” he demanded. “Get away from me you filthy hussy! Don't..Don't you fucking touch me!” Helix calmly removed the washcloths and tossed them in the sink, while Unswag spat insults and threats like a rabid ferret. “Welp.” she said, stepping away. “I'm gonna need a strand of hair.” “If you come near me again, I swear I'll tear your hands off!” Unswag screeched. “Gosh, it's almost like you can't make good on any of these threats.” Swag snarked. “She just did you a favor, you ungrateful little twit. I wouldn't have.” “I am not thanking some thick-witted cow-” “Luckily,” Helix interrupted. “I have a secondary source.” She glanced up at Swag. Of course. Right down to the DNA. Swag tugged at the longer portion of his hair until one came loose. He handed it off to Helix with a cruel smirk in Unswag's direction. She wound it around her fancy blue chalk, which she presented to Unswag as if he would have any clue what it was for. “If you're planning on putting that somewhere, you little freak, you've got the wrong guy.” he snapped “Only because you're such a tightass, you couldn't even handle that.” Swag snapped back. “I'm not the sex-crazed manslut in this room now am I? You've made yourself worthless for anything else, you used up rag of a-” Helix tapped her chalk sharply to the tiles and began to draw. The sound of it radiated wrongness, the scratch and squeak melding in an echoing ebb and flow like a Tibetan singing bowl that was more felt than heard. It grabbed both mens attention, held it tight. Color and soft light flowed into an interlocking pair of spirographic patterns Swag was somehow able to identify as the apparent retrograde movements of Saturn and Uranus from the perspective of Earth, and couldn't for the life of him pick out how he knew that. Outside of this, Helix began a new circle, interspersed with runes and sigils, finished with a triskelion, centered by a triangle knot. “Do you know what this is?” she asked. “Yes, bimbette, I too, know basic geometry.” Unswag drawled. “You don't know.” Helix said. “It's okay. You will.” She raised her hands, sung a few pure tones into the air, and the circles erupted into light. Swag was blinded for a few moments, though he could hear Unswag yelling in surprise. Once he blinked the stars from his eyes, he saw Unswag, standing in the center of the now softly glowing circles, the fairy lights in a messy coil at his feet. A manic, evil expression crawled over his face. “You dumb bitch.” he sneered. “You just made a big-oof!” As he leapt forward, he slammed into nothing, and bounced back, like hitting a glass door. “What...what the fuck?” Unswag pressed his palms against the invisible barrier, slamming them against the impermeable nothingness. “What is-what did you do? How did you do this?” Helix said nothing, eyes locked on his as it broke into him exactly what position he was now in. “You... how-you-you're one of them! Aren't you? The gray things!” He snarled at Swag, who was simply pointing and laughing. “You stupid, gullible waste of air!” he screamed. “You hate these things too, but you're so led by your own dick that the instant one comes to you wearing a pretty face, you crumble! You're even more worthless than I ever took you for, and I didn't think that was even possible!” “Aww, you think I'm pretty?” Helix asked, and Unswag recoiled from her. “You're not bad yourself, you know. Nice cheekbones, cute nose. Such intense eyes. Sensuous mouth, if a little foul.” Swag found himself stuck between laughing more at Unswags obvious horror, and also maybe being a bit flattered. After all, they were also his nice cheekbones and cute nose. “Cunt!” Unswag shrieked, throwing himself at the barrier again. “I'm going to kill you! I'm going to tear open your ribs, rip out whatever organ allows you to do this, and crush it in front of you! And I'll make him watch! I'll cut your face off and shove it down his throat! I will obliterate you for this!” “Okay, that's enough.” Swag said. “She's right, that mouth is downright filthy.” “When I get out of this-and I will. Get. Out. Of this. She's first on the list. On live TV. Even dental won't be able to identify what's left!” “Yeah sure, whatever dude. Just keep wasting oxygen. We've got places to be. Right babe?” Swag glanced down at Helix, whose face was carefully calm, but whose hand tight on his arm betrayed her discomfort. He understood. This little douche rat was kinda hard to take. Even small doses made him sick, and he was him...sorta. “Now you stay in your corner and think about what you've done. Let's go.” He led Helix away as Unswag broke into incoherent rage screaming behind them. Swag found the eggs especially delicious. Whether that was from Helix's cooking, or just the smug taste of victory, Swag did not care. He was going to enjoy every bit of sweet safety this brought him. Helix had left after the victory eggs were had, with the promise to come back and reinforce the magic circle in a few days. He thanked her dearly for her help, and invited her to come back literally any old time, so they could have a proper, uninterrupted by maniacs, breakfast. And if she wanted to spend the night beforehand, he wasn't opposed. Swag got his presents wrapped, a whole load of anxiety gone from his slim shoulders. Once finished, he gave Puzzles a quick call. “Heyyy, Puzzlebox! I've got some good news! And also some interesting info, if you were thinking about continuing to talk to Helix...”
