Thank you to everyone who has read any of my work this year. May 2019 be bright and full of happiness for you all!
Blood splattered onto Alex's face as she attempted to get air into her lungs, something heavy pressing down on her chest so that her ribs creaked from the strain. The cold pavement at her back was just as unyielding as the metal hand that was crushing her windpipe. James's blue eyes were dead, emotionless, as her hand came up and swung at his face, trying to snap him out of it, trying to make him bleed more, trying to stay alive. It was useless, he was far too strong, but it was human nature to struggle against death. Black dots started to cloud her vision and her limbs grew heavy.
Then the weight was gone from her chest and Alex took in a deep breath, which quickly turned into a series of coughs. As the dots cleared from her vision, Alex rolled onto her side to see Steve and James going head to head in some grimy back alley. The same alley where Markus had attacked her the year before. The two super soldiers were matching each other blow for powerful blow, neither showing any sign of hesitation as blood flew from their lips and fists. .
Alex attempted to get her breath back, but the panic and crushed windpipe made it impossible. There was not enough air for her to to even scream at them to stop. Her muscles wouldn't listen to her brain's commands, making it impossible to get her legs underneath her. She needed to get one of the men to see reason, to stop this, but Steve and James kept splattering each other's blood on the brick walls and asphalt with a fierceness that scared her.
Steve. Steve would see reason if she snapped him out of this. He would figure out what to do. If only her damn lungs would work to call out to him. It seemed like years before she shailky got to her feet, the wall cold and slimy underneath her hand. She just needed to get to them before it was too late.
The sound of metal on metal brought Alex's attention back to the men as James wrenched the shield out of Steve's grasp. It was deftly tossed to his other hand as the metal hand lashed out again, punching right through Steve's chest. The blood stained the shining silver as James literally ripped out Steve's heart in front of Alex's eyes.
"No!" Alex screamed as she sat straight up in her bed, panting, sweating, and shaking.
Alex's heart was pounding so hard that her sternum hurt and panic was clawing at her chest. She closed her eyes for a second, but then she saw Steve dying again. His blue eyes wide as his blood leaked out of a giant hole in his chest. Her eyes flew open and she scrambled for her phone, needing to call Steve and hear his voice. Something to tell her brain that he was actually okay.
The white numbers saying that it was four-thirty in the morning stopped Alex from making the call. Instead, she attempted to work through the grounding techniques that Sam had taught her. It took longer than it should have to get her heart rate under control. It felt as if she had run a marathon.
Five and a half hours of sleep were more than she had gotten recently, so Alex got out of bed. She threw the window open and sat on the window sill, the cool wind drying the sweat from her skin, and looked at the screen on her phone. The walls were very thick in this old building so she hoped that no one else was woken up by her dream. Honestly, the fact that she hadn't been slapped with a noise complaint was a bit of a miracle. Maybe everyone else in the building was taking sleeping pills. Perhaps she should join them in drugged out oblivion.
If Alex called Sam, he'd be there within half an hour, if he was in the country. Yet, she didn't want to keep waking him up to babysit her. He had his own life. Instead, she closed the window, got dressed, and went running.
Alex let her mind go blank and just focused on the feeling of her feet on the pavement. It was almost an hour later when she realized that she had been sprinting, chest heaving painfully and sweating like a pig. By the time she stumbled back into the building, everything ached, and she didn't feel any better. A shower and breakfast helped a little, but as soon as it was normal human time, she texted Steve. He answered back almost immediately, but it didn't help the feeling in her chest.
The rest of the week was a bit of a blur. Peter was friendly, but not overly forward or flirty, she started to learn her way around the computers at Stark Tower, and Russian continued to give her a pounding headache and anxiety. Monica kept Alex busy during the weekend, mostly because she could tell that there was something bothering Alex. That lead to them going to an ice cream social, three study sessions, and a sorority recruitment event. The vivid nightmares continued and Alex barely kept it together.
By the time her Friday Biochemistry class rolled around, her eyelids were permanently droopy. The last bits of summer had reared its head and it had become unbearably hot and it was so humid that even the flies weren't flying through the heavy air. Luckily, the science building was air conditioned so Alex could stay somewhat awake.
Professor Warren had become a little less hostile to her in the past week, even praising a few of her insights. However, he still took every opportunity to unjustly criticize Peter. Today he had asked Peter a complex question about RNA sequencing, which had not been covered yet. Alex tried to help him, but that just got a glare from the Processor before he verbally annihilated Peter.
"Miss Harper, if I could have a word with you," Professor Warren said at the end of class. The entire class turned to look at her.
Alex ran through all the things that she could have done, but other than being told that she had already failed the class due to not staying awake, she couldn't come up with anything. It wasn't that Alex hadn't been in trouble before, but rarely did she have a problem in the academic setting. When she did, she knew exactly what she'd done.
The professor was writing something in a small journal when Alex made her way into the hall. He didn't look up right away. She danced from one foot to another, waiting for him to finish up and tell her what was going on. It gave her some time to study him up close. Professor Warren wasn't that much taller than she was, only a couple inches, with brown hair that was just starting to go grey. It was a little all over the place, but it seemed to fit with his standard professor outfit of a dress shirt, black suit pants, and loafers. There were some wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead, but she didn't look all that old. He might even be considered attractive in a silver fox type of way, if he hadn't been such an ass.
"You wanted to see me, Professor?" Alex said, worried that lab was going to start as she stood there, not wanting to get behind in another class.
"Miss Harper, yes. I was hoping that you would have come to office hours last week, especially considering who you have as a lab partner." The professor clicked his pen and slid it into his bag before looking up. "Have you gone online to look at your grade from the first assignment?"
"No, since they hadn't been returned in class, I figured that you were still grading them." Alex was completely confused. "Was there a problem with it or did we have an appointment that I've forgotten, Professor Warren?"
"While you did well in the technical aspect of the assignment, I did have to take off points. Nothing that is too horrible, but it is not a good trend to start for the first assignment of the year." Professor Warren pushed up his glasses as he studied her. "It's a pity, really, since you're obviously bright. That conversation we were having about biochemistry in relation to mental processes and genetic mutations proved that, though beyond the scope of this lecture. When I suggested we carry on that conversation, I assumed you would come by my office."
"Am...am I in trouble?" He really wasn't making any sense. She remembered the conversation he was referring to and in the moment he had sounded more like a rebuke and not an invitation to explore the topic further. The fact that her anxiety had hit critical levels when he mentioned her grade was not helping her follow the conversation.
"Trouble," Professor Warren's green eyes reminding her of a traffic light, bright and wide. "Miss Harper, why in the name ofā¦ why would you be in trouble?"
"Wellā¦Iā¦I'm not exactly sure. It's just, you pulled me out of lab and made it seem as if I was in trouble, maybe?" The normal edge was gone from Professor Warren's voice, which was throwing her off even more.
"I pulled you out of class to offer you an opportunity, not a reprimand." Professor Warren's lips tilted up slightly in what could have been considered a hint of a smile. "It's a special project that I'm working on, but it's massive in scope. I can't do it all alone. I think you'd be the perfect assistant, if you can stay awake, that is. I would provide extra credit to help with your grade, your name will appear in the published research, and you'll be compensated for travel."
"Travel? Professor, I'm sorry, but I feel like I came in during the middle of this conversation. What are you talking about?" Alex had this slick, cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. She didn't know why, but something was setting off warning bells somewhere in her brain. It was more than the fact that she was barely keeping her life together without attempting to throw something else into the mix. Right now everything was a wobbly Jenga tower and it wouldn't take much for it all to come tumbling down.
"I don't have time to explain now, you are missing class after all." Professor Warren looked at his watch and huffed. "Come to my office hours and I'll give you more details. Have a good day, Miss Harper."
"What the hell just happened?" Alex asked the empty hallway before turning around and heading back into lab. Peter gave her a questioning look, but she just shrugged and focused on the lesson. It was hard to explain what happens when you had no idea yourself.
"Miss Harper," Jarvis greeted Alex as she got into the elevator and pressed the button to head up to the lab. "Glad to see you made it today. You're running a little late."
"I still have three minutes before I have to clock in, Jarvis. Please, don't try and shame me." Alex wiped sweat from her upper lip. She was drenched with sweat and had to change in the bathroom before interacting with other humans. It was September, wasn't it supposed to cold enough to wear a sweater? What the hell was this?
"You actually have one minute and forty-five seconds, Miss Harper, but I will do my best not to draw your attention to that fact." Jarvis's tone didn't change, but Alex was pretty sure he was being sarcastic. "I was told to inform you that Mr. Rogers wanted to speak with you. He has already been informed that you're in the building."
"I don't have time to see Mr. Rogers, Jarvis. As you pointed out, I'm already late." Alex muttered. Since the nightmare, Alex felt anxious at the thought of seeing Steve, even if he had news about James. If it was bad news, if James was dead, it might be the straw that broke the camel's back. God, she needed everything to stop for a moment.
"Should I tell him that you're busy?" Jarvis asked.
"No, justā¦let me get changed in the bathroom first? Also, tell Dr. Banner that I'm going to be late and send my apologies." Alex should have known that he wasn't going to stay away for long after she told him about the nightmare. She might as well get this over with...after she changed.
The bathroom tiles were deliciously cool against her bare feet as she stripped in one of the bathroom stalls. Normally, she would never be barefoot in a public restroom, but Stark Tower was meticulously clean. Alex attempted to tame her hair into something lab appropriate to go along with her black pants, lab shoes, and nice white blouse at the sink, but her hair wasn't cooperating. The brush crackled and snapped as she tugged it through her hair.
The door of the other stall opened and a startlingly attractive red head walked over to the other sink. Alex didn't pay her more attention than that, she didn't have the time.
"I wouldn't worry too much about it, Tony usually wears a ratty Black Sabbath t-shirt while he works," the other woman said as she washed her hands. "And Bruce, well, he's brilliant, but he misses things right in front of his face, both figuratively and literally. He isn't going to care what your hair looks like."
"Thanks for the tip, but it's more so the rest of the interns don't think I'm a human disaster," Alex's voice had an edge as she threw the brush into her backpack. Normally, she wouldn't have been so short with a woman she had just met, especially one who was dressed as if she worked behind a desk somewhere in the Tower, but she just wasn't in the mood to play nice today.
"I doubt any of them are better off than you are. First couple weeks for the interns are always the hardest." The redhead ignored the sharpness and dried her hands before offering one to Alex. "Natasha Romanoff, pleasure to meet you."
"Nice to meet you. Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I'm just not been getting a lot of sleep recently and I'm running late."
Alex shook the hand out of reflex, her brain attempting to process what she had just been told. There wasn't a lot known about Natasha Romanoff, but there had been a lot of information about her on the web after the fall of SHIELD. The information about her profession and past missions had been taken down quickly, but it stated that she was an assassin of the highest degree. Alex had just snapped at the Black Widow. And she wondered how she kept getting into trouble.
"It's alright," Natasha said with another half-smile as they both headed out the door. "It's probably odd to get unsolicited advice in the women's room anyway."
"I've actually gotten some of the best life advice that way," Alex laughed.
"Alex," Steve pushed off the wall as she exited the bathroom. He looked better rested than the last time she saw him, but that lead to a number of mixed emotions. If he had found James, he would probably look haggard and sleep deprived, but on the other hand, she wanted him to be healthy and look after himself.
"Oh, you're that Alex?" Natasha asked behind her, which made Steve and Alex both blush a little. "That is very interesting."
"I promise you that it isn't all that interesting." Alex shot a look over at Steve before turning her attention back to Natasha. "We just met where I used to work and became friends."
"Friends?" Natasha's red lips tilted up as she looked over at Steve. "So, you check in on all your friends with such consistency? And wonder how she is doing while you're on missions and she's at home on her family farm? Steve, I didn't know you were such a conscientious friend."
"I'm late for work," Alex said quickly, feeling her cheeks get even hotter. "Steve can this wait until I'm done or is it urgent?"
"No, we can talk later. Why don't we grab some food when you're done?" Steve asked, completely unaware of the fact that it sounded as if he was asking her on a date. Natasha's smile only got wider.
"You know I never have food in my fridge," Alex couldn't win whether she accepted or denied Steve's invitation, so she decided to get a free meal out of her embarrassment. "I'll meet you in the lobby when I'm done."
"So, you know what her fridge looks like?" Natasha asked as Alex walked away. "How veryā¦friendly of you."
"Nat, don't start," Steve said before the lab door cut off anything else he had to say.
Alex sighed inwardly. What happened to her? At one point she had been so smooth, getting everyone and everything she wanted with just a couple bats of her eyelashes and a smile. She had never blushing no matter what was said or whispered in her ear. Now, she was flustered all the time and fumbled over her words. Sleep deprivation was a bitch.
"Glad you could join us, Miss Harper," Dr. Banner said without the hint of sarcasm that Professor Warren had when he said it. "Set your stuff down and we'll get started."
"Sorry about being late. I didn't mean to keep you all waiting." Alex felt the other sixteen intern eyes on her and attempted to ignore it. "It won't happen again."
"Don't worry about it too much, things happen." Dr. Banner smiled before turning to address the whole lab again. "I know that some of you are still working on finishing the programming modules, please have that finished by the end of today. There are also task lists at each work table that you should start working through. Most of them are brushing you up on ideas and theories in a number of fields so that we all have the same vocabulary once we start collaborating. Alright, get to work."
Alex was one of the unlucky few who hadn't finished the programming modules, so she sat down at the computer and attempted to at least get through that. While Alex was a millennial, the most computer skills she had was formatting her MySpace page as a teen. Even with the provided instructions, it was all Greek to her. Part of her wanted to ask one of her fellow interns for help, but she was worried that they would see her as young, immature, and incompetent. There was also the added issue that she had set herself apart from the rest of the interns because both Tony Stark and Bruce Banner had addressed her directly, even though she had no control over that.
The next time Alex looked up, it was twilight outside and most of the interns were funneling out of the lab. After attempting the modules for the first hour, she had given up and moved to the other items on her task list. She finished about half, which was a great metaphor for her life.
"You look like you could use a break," Steve's voice came from the door of the lab. "More accurately, it looks like I need to tear you away before you're stuck here all night."
"I do believe I was promised food." Alex smiled over at Steve before logging off the computer and shrugged out of her lab coat. "Though, is it safe to be seen with me? I doubt Natasha is going to let you live it down if we're caught together."
"Nat is harmless, in that regard. Besides, she is so desperate to find me a date that she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it, including teasing me too much." Steve smiled, apparently finding the whole thing amusing.
"How are you still single? I mean, it's been a couple years since you've reintegrated and most people would be more than to take you, even with your unconventional history and profession." Alex toed out of her lab shoes, leaving them under her lab coat hook, and returning to her one dollar flip-flops.
"Are you confessing to me, Alex?" Steve laughed as they started walking down the hallway.
"I'm not most people," Alex laughed as they waited for the elevator. "Besides, you have no arrest record or tattoos, so you're obviously not my type."
"Well, I can hot wire a car and have killed people, so I think I might still have a chance," Steve pointed out with a wide and bright smile. In that moment he was the all American boy, but his words were also true. Steve Rogers had killed people. It was something that she really connected with Steve since he usually made her feel safe and comfortable.
"Now, to completely ruin my chances, you look exhausted," Steve asked as they stepped into the elevator. "Seeing me die really shake you up that much or something else going on?"
"It's justā¦I heard his voice andā¦" Alex trailed off and took a shaky breath. The moment she heard James's voice all the love, hurt, anxiety, and fear from the fall before came flooding back in an instant. Alex knew that she had a flare for the dramatics, but she could honestly say that she had never felt for someone that she felt for James. Of course it would be the one man that she couldn't have. That's karma for you.
"God, sometimesā¦sometimes I'm not sure that I remember what his voice sounds like." Steve tilted his head up slightly, but then looked over to Alex. "But let's talk about something a little happier."
It took her a few moments to realize that Steve was referring to the fact that Jarvis was listening to their conversation. She still wasn't used to the fact that someone was always listening to her in the Tower. Then again, if you believed the conspiracy theories, Big Brother is always listening and watching no matter where you were.
"Mr. Rogers, I hate to interrupt, but Miss Hill wants to speak to you as soon as possible, in her words." Jarvis broke in as if he picked up that they were avoiding speaking due to his presence.
"Did she say what it was about?" Steve did not sound overly pleased to be summoned, leaning back against the wall and closing his eyes.
"There is a situation in South America that might need your attention. I really can't say more than that with Miss Harper present due to her lower security clearance," Jarvis almost sounded apologetic. Alex found herself starting to like Jarvis, which is weird seeing as he was a computer system. Proof being, she had started to think of Jarvis as a 'he' instead of an 'it'.
"Tell her that I'll be there in a couple minutes," Steve finally said as the elevator doors opened at the lobby.
"I'm starting to think you're manufacturing crisis to avoid spending time with me," Alex laughed as she started walking backward toward the door, which was easy since there was no one else in the lobby. "You're going to give me a complex."
"Rain check?" Steve gave her a sheepish smile as he moved back into the elevator.
"You know how to find me." Alex gave a little finger wave before heading out of Stark Tower.
On the way home, Alex realized just how disappointed it was to eat alone again. After avoiding Steve for about a week, she wished he hadn't been called into work. It wasn't that she wanted to be social, she didn't even know if she had the energy to be social, but she really didn't want to be alone. She called Sam, but it went right to voicemail. There was not even a hint of chill in the September air, but Alex felt cold in her bones. Hopefully, Monica wouldn't mind her moping about her apartment.
"Miss Harper, you look dead on your feet," Henry said as she entered the apartment building.
"It's been a very long day. Is Miss LeBlanc in, do you know?" Alex figured it was easier to ask Henry than go to Monica's floor, knock on the door, and then wait for another elevator to get to her floor. Alex had texted Monica as she was walking home, but hadn't received an answer. This wasn't unusual, Monica was a notoriously unreliable communicator, either getting back to you right away or seven hours later.
"Unfortunately, you just missed her. Is there something you need assistance with?" Henry asked, concern written all over his face.
"No, just wanted to sit around and talk, maybe drain a bottle of wine. Nothing earth shattering. Have a nice night, Henry." Alex gave him a wave before heading to the elevator.
As she let herself into the empty apartment, Alex made a valiant effort not to feel sorry for herself. It was nights like this that she wished she had a boyfriend, someone that was obligated to come and make her feel better. If she put her mind to it, it probably wouldn't even take her a week to snag some poor unfortunate soul, but it wouldn't be fair when her heart would still be with James. She was the definition of a wreck.
Instead, she heated up a couple Hotpockets that were lurking in her freezer and settled in to the nightly routine of doing homework until her eyes couldn't stay open any longer. By the time she crawled into bed, she prayed to get at least a couple hours of good sleep. God had a sense of humor because she got exactly two hours before dreams assaulted her, very vivid ones with James's voice so fresh in her memory. After waking up in tears, Alex dragged herself back to the couch and started researching memory coding once again.
The rest of the weekend wasn't any better and Monday was spent with Peter driving his pencil into various parts of her leg to keep her awake. Alex was grateful, even though she was going to have bruises, since she did not want to go to office hours with Professor Warren if he's berated her for sleeping in his class. It was obvious that she didn't have the time or the brain power for whatever project he wanted her to help him with, but from the glances he kept throwing at her, she didn't think he'd appreciate her just not showing up. Mentally, she promised herself a well-deserved nap if she could just get through this meeting and her internship.
"Professor Warren? You wanted to see me?" Alex called after knocking on the door, peeking around the door into his office.
"Miss Harper, yes, come in. Find a seat somewhere that isn't covered in materials, please," Professor Warren didn't even get to his feet when she came into the room, just waving his hand as he continued to read the papers on the desk in front of him.
It was a kind of organized chaos, not exactly messy, but definitely not neat. There were stacks of papers in neat piles by the bookcase and chairs along with books open to various pages on every other flat surface. Alex pushed the door almost closed before picking up the stack and setting it down next to the chair. Professor Warren didn't pay attention to any of this and finished the last page of the paper before looking up.
"Now, Miss Harper, it is a very easy assignment. You would just have to go and collect samples as well as run through a questionnaire I will provide you with the subject in question. It should only take a couple of hours a week and you'd be paid travelling expenses or given a car service, if needed." Professor Warren spoke quickly, as if he wanted to wrap up the meeting before it even started. "I would just need you to sign a couple forms and you could start as early as next week."
"Excuse me, Professor, but at the risk of sounding idiotic, what the he ā what are you talking about?" Alex leaned forward as if physically getting closer to him would make the conversation suddenly make sense.
"What am Iā¦?" Professor Warren blinked once before giving an exasperated sigh and leaned back in his hair, studying her for a moment. "I'm currently working on a case study about genetic mutations in a certain individual to be added to a larger paper I'm writing. The changes that have happened to his body are extraordinary. I have a number of lab experiments and background research that I have to do, I can't meet with him weekly to monitor his mental state and collect the skin samples. That's where you would come in."
"So, if I am understanding correctly, you want me to do a weekly questionnaire with this individual and collect samples, and you'll give me extra credit and compensate any travel expenses?" It sounded like a very cushy gig, so why pick her? Professor Warren had barely shown anything for Alex but disdain, so why help her out by giving her this? There were students who were probably smarter and he got along a lot better with.
"That is basically the assignment, yes." Professor Warren leaned forward and met her eyes. "You're wondering why I chose you."
"I'm not exactly a model student at the moment, which I apologize for, there have to be better options."
"Exactly, you aren't a model student, and the only one that needs extra credit so early in the semester. I also doubt that your lab partner, Mr. Parker, is going to help your grades any. You also seem as if it would take a lot to rattle you, which is also something I need. The environment that the interview will be conducted in is notā¦hospitable." Professor Warren's green eyes were almost glowing with intensity.
"Where would I be going exactly?" Alex didn't like the sound of having to go somewhere that normal students wouldn't want to go. True, in her youth, she had gone into bars where angels would fear to tread, but she was attempting to get away from all that. She was kind of failing, but she was trying and that had to count for something.
"The Ravencroft Institute." Professor Warren said the name briskly, as if to squash any objections.
It was a wasted effort as Alex had no idea what The Ravencroft Institute was, but the tone was enough to make the hair on her arms stand on edge. The word institute was what confused her as it could be anything from a boarding school to an inpatient mental health hospital. However, Professor Warren was kind of blackmailing her in terms of her grade, so what choice did she have? Russian was already going to put her GPA in jeopardy, she couldn't stress about another course as well.
Yet, Alex didn't have the time or the mental capability to take on another commitment. Not only that, but she really didn't know enough about this project to feel comfortable putting her name on it. Professor Warren spoke as if what Alex would be doing was just a small part of a much larger project. What was the rest of the research focused on? Did he have a whole list of genetically modified people throughout the world? What would that even look like and was it something she wanted to be involved in?
"Let me think about it, Professor?" Alex asked as she got to her feet, putting her bag up on her shoulder. "I already have so much going on. It sounds like a very interesting project, from the little that you've told me, but I just don't knowā¦"
It wasn't a no, but it wasn't a yes either. Alex's anxiety over her grade just wouldn't let her turn him down outright. Also, having a paper about genetic mutation on her resume when it wasn't a field she had a lot of experience in would be tantalizing to possible future employers or PhD programs. The study also did sound interesting, people who survived through genetic mutations could teach a lot about medicine and the human body. It would be a great opportunity if she could find the time and willpower to do it.
"I understand, Miss Harper," Professor Warren was smiling as if she had just enthusiastically agreed to work for him. "I suggest you think the opportunity through thoroughly as well as quickly. It's not something that you would want to, or can really afford, to miss. I also believe you will find the individual who survived the genetic mutation very interesting, as it happened later in his life. It's a once in a lifetime experience. I want an answer by next week."
"Of course, I'll stop by your office hours next Monday." Alex was already moving toward the door. If she stayed, if she listened to him talk some more, she would agree to something that he said. Professor Warren had this magnetism about him that laid right underneath the surface. Maybe that was what it was about him that made her slightly uneasy.
"Close the door on the way out." Professor Warren had already dropped his head back to the papers in front of him.
The rebellious side of Alex wanted to say no at that moment because Professor Warren was acting as if she was going to say yes. There had always been something in her that wanted to defy expectations and do something completely unexpected. However, she was also getting a little aggravated because she was pretty sure she was going to say yes.
He was right, it was an opportunity that Alex couldn't pass up.
I was feeling Ā pretty bad over the last couple of weeks but today I got a little better and the session today was awesome!
As there are more and more intimate things which we discuss during the sessions, I decided Iāll still write these updates but with less detail, so sorry if itās vague but Iām simply uncomfortable to put this out there for everyone to see. :D If you see this and youāre interested in more details of this or that, write me a message, and if Iām comfortable with sharing with you, I will. But Iām not putting some information out here, because Iām not comfortable with it.
We had a bit of an association thing where in a relaxed state I had to describe a flower, and I had to describe its surroundings (the field I imagined it on) and then I had to put myself into the flower (if that makes sense) and imagine how that flower must feel. And I kind of got that from the beginning that Iām supposed to be the flower, but I just went with the flow.
And it was such an intense feeling where I really got into a state where I knew that I was still sitting in the armchair and all that, but at the same time I was on the field I imagined. It was so weird, but good weird. And when my therapist counted me out from the relaxed state it was really like I got back to my body all of a sudden :D So cool. I love these kinds of things :)
But it was really intense because I described how the āflowerā feels, and instantly knew that that was how I felt and it was so... intense. Like I nearly cried and my throat was burning and everything. And then I had to describe how would I help the flower, and I came up with solutions which could help the flower (from the fears I described at the beginning), and it really made me feel safe and happy in the end, and the knot in my throat slowly dissolved when my therapist told me to concentrate on that happy feeling and let it take over my whole body, and it took some time but it really dissolved the urge to cry and the bad feeling in my chest and my throat. It felt so cool, how I could feel my feelings change from negative to positive it was so awesome.
Now one of my homeworks is drawing that flower or one or two of those scenes, and I already done it now that it was fresh on my mind.
Other than that we talked a bit about my family members and family dynamics, and we also talked a bit about my femininity and feminin role.
With this last subject there was a bit of misunderstanding between me and my therapist because we really didnāt understand each other what did each of us think of feminin roles and such but then I understood where she was coming from and it was all good and well again :D
Itās so freaking hard to voice my opinions on this matter, like I feel there are no words to describe where do I exactly stand on this ORL
I need to think about this a lot more, like, itās one thing to understand and emphatize with other individuals going through something similar and understanding myself.Ā
When I see posts validating that if you label yourself ace or asexual, itās ok for it to change, also with nonbinary stuff, I always feel quite relieved because I kind of like toĀ āwearā these labels as of now, but if I think about it more and I feel they donāt quite fit me, thatās ok too.
These questions are very complex and need a lot of thinking so itās ok toĀ ātry things outā and itās also ok too to be certain and knowing it from the beginning, itās important to accept the person as you are in the moment, and try to explore your inner workings without fear and let your mind wonder into previously untouched territories.
Sorry if I rambled a lot and was incomprehensible! ><
Now, that was probably vague enough, Iāll sign off with this :D
update 7: With luck the worst of it has passed. I got side tracked with being on a voice call with my brother's boyfriend ( gonna call this man my brother in law man is so nice) who kept me calm when I started to freak out ( i did panic move my figures and some things i could and im alright now) when i had a tornado warning over my area.
I still have power, it's still raining and i still have a tornado watch until 10 pm but things are slowly dying out and moving off east texas. The wind is still picking up in places but all in all there's been no thunder or lightning. Just lots of rain and a fair bit of wind.
Some southern counties got hit bad. Like there's roughly 2 mil people without power right now because of this. But it's looking up a fair bit for my little area. The storm should be off me fully in about 3 hours.
