#useralexx

[marirable]

Baldwin Montclair + fuck your philanthropy and other species (1x06 vs 2x08)

[wedgeantill]

Al Acecho (2019)

[undindjarin-archive]

Promise that we’ll stay

pairing: bucky barnes/steve rogers [established relationship]

summary: Nightmares tend to form around and follow Steven Grant Rogers more than he likes to admit. Despite being the strong, independent leader, and inspiring golden boy, he tends to keep his nightmares below the surface, so no one else need suffer with him.

word count: 5k

warnings: depression, death mention?

requested by anon, who asked: “ We can’t keep this up forever. ” + “ Don’t die on me– Please. ” (x)

Nightmare; a frightening or unpleasant dream; a terrifying or very unpleasant experience or prospect; a person, thing, or situation that is very difficult to deal with.

Nightmares tend to form around and follow Steven Grant Rogers more than he likes to admit. Despite being the strong, independent leader, and inspiring golden boy, he tends to keep his nightmares below the surface, so no one else need suffer with him.

After having thought he had lost Bucky permanently, Steve had suffered from countless nightmares, born from guilt, regret, and hopelessness.

Having suffered through that and having sacrificed himself for his country, to not have to live in a world without Bucky, waking up had been a nightmare no one had asked if he wanted to be there.

Bucky was also a plaguing nightmare for Steve. Not Bucky himself, but the unrelenting heaviness that shackled around Steve’s heart and has only grown to over shadow the light.

Despite having Bucky back, it was a reminder that Steve hadn’t gone back to save him, that he let him fall, that he let Hydra use him as a weapon, that he gave up on him.

Nightmares have been thought of only coming out at night, but even they can thrive in the light and overpower it.

It wasn’t all that hard for Bucky to finally realize that something was bothering Steve, and by the time he’d found the courage to ask, not wanting him to shoulder that weight alone, he’d only gotten a tired smile that didn’t reach his eyes and a flimsy lie of, “I’m fine, Buck.”

That’s why Bucky gathered only the people he trusted most: Natasha, Clint, and even Sam.

Sitting at the table in their kitchen, Bucky let out a soft sigh as Clint brought each of them a cup of coffee. It was nearing 3 in the morning, and Steve was sure to be asleep. Bucky had only left him less than an hour ago, not having been able to sleep anyways.

“Alright, so let’s start from the beginning. When did you start to notice Steve’s different behavior?” Leave it to Sam to keep it serious. Despite their differences, Bucky’s never been happier to have met a guy like Sam. Especially since he knows he cares for Steve just as much as he does.

“A few weeks ago, nothing overly alarming, but… that stubborn punk isn’t one to open up when it comes to what's bothering him. He thinks he needs to bare the weight of the world on his shoulders, just so no one else has to suffer.” Bucky huffs as he gazes into the forgiving mug in his hands. Just like him, everything in their apartment seems to agree that something about Steve has been off.

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, an affectionate squeeze causing him to look up, he gets a soft look from Natasha. Letting out a soft breath, he looks back to Sam, watching the gears turn in his head. “Well, we all know Steve well enough by now to know he’s literally an ass when it comes to opening up. What makes this any more different than just something minor that’s bugging him?”

Taking in Sam’s words, reflecting upon the past week alone, a hard look sets on his face as he shakes his head. “No, he can be moody, but he usually speaks his mind eventually. He keeps brushing this off, avoiding everyone whenever possible, closing in on himself.”

Bucky had been searching the tower for over an hour now, their apartment, the shared floor where all the avengers meet, the gym, the pool, anywhere he thought Steve might be. However, by the time he had the sense to go to the fucking roof and searching over the city from the top, the sun was already setting, casting out the light and letting in the dark.

A grin pulling up on his lips at the sight of Steve and his sketch pad on the edge, he lets out a soft chuckle as he heads over to join him. “You sonofabitch. I’ve been looking everywhere for you! I-” The sentence dying in his throat as he approaches Steve, watching as the ground around him is littered in broken pencils, the blank piece of paper  having one, solid black mark from where he still has yet to draw anything.

Grin fading, replaced with concern as he squats down next to Steve, he places a hand on his shoulder, jolting Steve out of his trance like state. “Hey Buck. Sorry, didn’t realize it was getting so late. Come on, we can head back in.” Already rising and turning back without another glance, Bucky’s concern only grows as he watches him go. Climbing back to his feet, going to follow him, he stops as one piece of crumpled paper blows in the breeze. Lifting it and treating it as if it would break into a million pieces, Bucky unfolds it feels his heart sink in his chest as he gazes at it. It wasn’t anything dark, or that concerning of a drawing. What was concerning, was that it was blank, all except the phrase: ‘till the end of the line.

Tears burning his eyes at the memory, Bucky forces them back as he stares Sam straight in the eye, two blue fires burning fiercely in his own. “No, I don’t know what it is. But it’s something more than… than just nothing.” Bucky knows how pathetic that sounded, but how else could he phrase it?

Watching as Sam nods and goes on to ask a few more questions, Bucky zones out as he glances back down the hall, only wishing he could help Steve. In any way possible. Letting Natasha, Clint, and Sam continue to evaluate and discuss Steve’s recent behavior, Bucky gazes back into the welcoming coffee mug once more, only dredging up more incidents like the one that had happened early that week.

Bucky could understand needing space. To heal and grow on your own. Hell, Steve had been so patient with him, even a bit overbearing at sometimes, but he knew it was because he cared. Bucky could respect that Steve needed time to himself.

What Bucky wouldn’t take, is having Steve beat up on himself and not accepting any help at all, without telling anyone what the hell was going on. It had been two weeks already and Steve had only kept the problem to himself, kept looking at Bucky with eyes full of guilt one too many times that Bucky had had enough.

Finding him sparing with Nat in the gym, he watches as the two of them finish up, Nat bringing Steve to his knees and only letting up when he tapped the mat until she did. Sharing a glance with Bucky, he could tell he wasn’t the only one who was noticing the difference in Steve.

“Don’t get soft on me, Rogers, I expect a rematch later.” With those as her final words, not expecting a comment, nor receiving one, she pats Bucky on the shoulder as she leaves the two of them alone.

Approaching Steve as he towels the sweat out of his hair, he gently kicks his boot with his own. “Stevie…” Watching as Steve already began to stiffen, closing himself off, and preparing to get defensive with annoyance, a light frown over shadowed Bucky’s expression. “Not now, Buck.” Earning nothing more than the curt answer, watching as Steve rises and starts to stalk off, Bucky growls low in his throat as he turns after him and grabs hold of his arm.

“Hey, no. You don’t get to do that.” A scoff in reply, yanking his arm free, Steve doesn’t even glance back as he continues out. Leaving Bucky’s own annoyance and frustration growing.

Jogging after him and blocking his path, Bucky glares down Steve, holding his arms out like a child would to keep an adult from ignoring them and moving on. “No. Steve, I respect that you need to do some things yourself, but you don’t get to shut me out completely. What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t have to do this alone. Let me help.”

Watching as the fire staring back at him turns to ice, he can already sense the venom Steve’s reply is laced with. “I don’t need your help Bucky. Just… leave me alone.” Shouldering his way past, Bucky lets Steve go. And with him, a shadow looms in the space he used to be.

Taking in a deep breath, Bucky lets it out slowly, turning back in his chair to face the others. He hasn’t even taken a sip out of his cup, and doesn’t plan to as he sets it back down and rises from the table. Letting him go, the other three watch as he heads out onto the balcony, not saying another word to any of them. “Are we sure that Bucky’s okay too?” Clint murmurs, before earning glares from the other two at the table. Throwing his hands up, sloshing coffee out his cup, he groans as it goes to waste. “I’m just asking, don’t kill me yet…”

Stepping out into the fresh air, running his hands through his hair, Bucky lets out a heavy sigh as he leans against the railing. “Goddamn punk… You don’t have to be alone…” barely comes out as a murmur, if the wind was blowing any harder, it wouldn’t have been heard at all. Staring out over the bright city lights, still shining even in the face of the overwhelming darkness, threatening to overcome the night.

Hiding his face in his hands, Bucky groans softly as exhaustion hits him hard. “You’re too big of a star to burn out Steve, you’re my whole sun.” Realizing that he’s talking to no one but himself, even if he wishes the words would fall upon unrelenting ears, he falls into silence. Taking a moment to get lost in the dark, because if that’s where Steve was heading, Bucky wouldn’t let him do it alone.

There were days that Bucky just had that gut feeling that Steve had gotten into another fight. Especially when he’d just gotten off from work at the docks and was heading home, he knew that Steve just couldn’t stop himself from stepping up to help some poor soul from being picked on.

Don’t get him wrong, it was one of the things Bucky loved most about the guy, but… it wasn’t fair to have to worry about his guy being beat up on all the time. To worry that one day the cruel and unforgiving world would snuff the flame out of the light of Bucky’s life.

Checking most of Steve’s haunts, finding no sign of the little, blonde headed punk, Bucky’s nerves were only growing in the pit of his stomach. That’s until he’d passed the alleyway behind Steve’s old place. Watching as he was being kicked back down, the two assailants making sure he stayed down as they pounded on him, Bucky’s heart was being torn in two with the fear of today being the day he feared most.

“Hey! Assholes! If you’re pickin’ a fight with him, you’re pickin’ a fight with me!”

Watching as the two guys paused in their torment to gaze back at Bucky, sizing him up and planning to do just that, one turns back to the bruised and bloodied Steve on the ground as he reaches out and grabs ahold of their pant leg. “Fuckin’ hell you will… leave’im alone…”

Anger burning hot in Bucky’s bones, he can’t believe the selflessness Steve possesses. Stepping forward to finish the fight, clearly a bit bigger than the two guys beating up on Steve, they turn to face him before one ends up on his ass, and the other one scrambling to leave the alley as Bucky lands a punch to a nose and kicks the other one on his way out.

Cleary a bully doesn’t find a fight fair if the victim starts fighting back, as long as that victim’s bigger than they are. Scoffing as he watches them leave, he turns back to Steve and helps him to his feet. “Pal, you’ve gotta stop doing this. You’re gonna be the end of me one day…”

Only earning a chuckle for his worry, Steve glances up at Bucky, two shining seas brightening his world as a slight grin pulls up on his lips. “No worries, Buck. I’ll never let you down… can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Groaning at that, Bucky takes Steve home, patches him up and can only imagine how many fights he’ll get into in the future.

---

Steve Rogers may be stubborn, hot headed, a punk, even a pain in the ass. But he knows when his friends care, and the last thing he wants to do is burden them.

Hell, the moment Bucky had placed a soft kiss to his forehead and snuck out of their room, Steve was awake, hearing his friends worrying over him from down the hall. Not that he’d let them know that, especially if they already were pressing so hard to help.

Groaning softly to himself, rubbing his face before flopping his arms down to his sides, nothing but the darkness of the room keeping him company. Even the sliver of light peeking in through under the door do nothing to dampen the dark. Or improve Steve’s mood.

He knew it wasn’t fair, to snap at his friends, especially to Bucky, which if their roles were reversed, Steve would be just as concerned. He didn’t mean to be a hypocrite. However, the instincts to defend himself had never gone away, he could take care of himself just fine by himself. He didn’t need anyone’s help, he could get by on his own.

“The thing is, you don’t have to… I’m with you ‘til the end of the line pal.”

God, he knew that would always be true, Bucky had always been by his side. But how could he tell him it was his fault? That after all these years it had been Steve’s fault that all the trauma, dehumanization, and what made Bucky, Bucky was his fault that it was gone?

Everyone had told him it wasn’t his fault. Hell, even Peggy had asked him at that bombed out bar after it had happened… But it was all lies. He had read the report, he had let his best friend, his best pal, fall to his death. Or what he had thought was his death.

Taking in a deep breath, rubbing his face, he gritted his teeth together as he fought to hold back all the emotions that were fighting to win over once. The guilt. The heartbreak. The sadness. The want to be fine. The want to let his friends help.

Rolling onto his side, squeezing his eyes closed and trying to force those thoughts out, he waited for sleep to take him once more. He could handle this on his own. He’s been through worse alone before, he can do it again.

Hell, it wasn’t long before he was drifting back off to sleep, surrounded by darkness, nightmares trapping him in their grip. He could still hear Bucky’s screams as he fell, watching him fall until he was out of sight, reaching out to grasp nothing but air.

Steve knew he had a mission to complete, hell, he knew his men knew they had a mission to complete, beyond capturing Zola. However, he wouldn’t rest until he found Bucky, he wouldn’t let his best pal go just like that, without commemorating him.

Tracking through the snow, darkness falling upon the barren wasteland, Steve wasn’t going to stop until he found a trace of Bucky, disregarding the thoughts and concerns of the rest of his team. Well, not completely, but he wasn’t just going to abandon his best friend. Not like this.

Snow drifting down from the darkening clouds in the sky, coming down harder the longer they remained out there, the other howling commandos followed after their captain, concern written all over their faces.

There was nothing more anyone wanted than find Barnes alive and help him, but they knew the odds of that were slim. They had all gotten to know Barnes on a personal level, and when Captain America had come to their rescue, they weren’t fooled into believing that he had shown up to save them specifically.

No, they were aware of the bond between the captain and their sergeant, no matter how hard either of them tried to brush it off.

They were all going to grieve for Barnes in their own way, but none of them had the heart to dash Steve’s hopes, of leaving him with heartbreak and the guilt of what had happened.

That’s mostly why they had all agreed to follow after Steve in hopes of finding Barnes in the snow. However, after the past three hours of searching, and the subsequent six before that, their flames of hope were being dashed out by the encroaching darkness and the howling winds.

Sharing a look with Falsworth, Morita walks up to join Steve’s side, remaining in silence as they continue to search, letting Steve take his time to acknowledge that he was there.

That was before five minutes turned into fifteen, and then into twenty, and after another half hour, Morita places a hand on Steve’s shoulder, effectively stopping him in his tracks. Feeling muscles tense under his hand, providing a reassuring squeeze, Morita finally speaks up.

“Captain… Steve, we can’t keep this up forever…” the words deafening in the silence, Steve slowly shakes his head as his gaze falls to the ground, a sense of defeat falling over him.

He wasn’t a fool… he knew it wasn’t fair to them, or to anyone, for him to keep searching… but if he stopped… who would save Bucky from the darkness...

Startling awake once more, Steve catches his breath as tears burn in his eyes, wiping at his eyes and sitting up, he could easily tell it had been only a few hours. If the bright green numbers glaring at him weren’t enough, than the fact that the chatter from the kitchen subsiding was another.

Steve wasn’t a fool, he knew it had just been a dream, that he had never gone and searched for Bucky, but until he voiced those guilt filled fears, the dreams wouldn’t stop, and letting Bucky hear the truth, to let him down once more, Steve couldn’t handle that.

Letting out a sigh as he composed himself, climbing out of a bed and heading towards the adjoined bathroom, Steve could hardly recognize the haunted gaze that greeted him. Taking in another deep breath, turning on the water and splashing water onto his face, trying to wash away the darkness that lingered in his eyes.

Shutting off the tap, drying off his face, he turns and heads out of the bathroom, pausing in their bedroom at the door as he listened to Bucky from down the hall. The song he chose striking a chord harder in Steve than it should. Even as he headed towards him, the breath was sucked out of his lungs, not wanting to interrupt Bucky.

---

“Promise that we’ll stay for the sunset, and when the moon shines through the darkness. We can find the path that leads us home, and on the way you’ll... maybe... sing me a song.”

Bucky felt a smile pull up on his lips, arm wrapped around Steve’s shoulders affectionately, he pulls him closer and lets out a soft laugh as he they walk down the pier side by side.

It had taken a lot of bribing and begging on Bucky’s part, but he had gotten Steve to agree to spend the day with him at Coney Island. That itself was a day Bucky would always cherish in his heart.

What was even more memorable beyond that and getting Steve to ride the cyclone with him, was the fact he had gotten to take Steve out on a date. Despite Steve having grumbled under his breath about not being to share the payment for any of it, the smile and blush he had notice spread across Steve’s face as he stole a peck to the top of his head when no one was looking as they made their way home.

Well, it had been perfect. Especially with the moon and the sun the only ones to take witness to it.

“Promise that you always will be there, hold my hand, if ever I’m real scared. Help me stand up tall if I fall down, make me laugh away all my bluest days.”

Even when Steve picked a fight, gotten his ass kicked, he would always have Bucky there to patch him up. And just because Bucky was bigger, stronger, and healthier, that didn’t automatically make him the tougher of the two.

Every time Steve got into the middle of something, it was enough for Bucky’s heart to drop down to his stomach and then end back up in his throat if the fight was bad enough.

Especially the time Steve had nearly collapsed after Bucky had found him, already left for dead for showing up too late, and spending hours at his bedside. By the time Steve had woken back up, the first sensation that registered, was the two hands surrounding his own and holding it tenderly, but afraid to let go. Hearing Bucky muttering under his breath, praying to the bits and pieces Steve could gather. Along with a silent plea of, “Don’t die on me… please.”

A cough rattling out of his chest, alerting to Bucky that he was awake, a pair of red puffy eyes greeted him, a tremble of a smile on his lips. It was enough to strike a harder, more prevalent pain in his chest. “Stevie, don’t scare me like that…” Earning an admonishing shake of his Bucky’s head, Steve only felt worse. He didn’t want to cause Bucky pain, that was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

So that’s how he found himself mumbling the reply of, “Well, maybe you should kiss me better.” Meaning it as a half joke, the laugh that bubbled out of Bucky’s chest was enough to make all of Steve’s pain subside. Earning another muttered, “Punk,” a grin pulled up on his lips as Bucky leaned forward to kiss him. If he could make Bucky laugh, then Steve always knew they’d be okay.

“How could you promise you always would be there. Why’d you have to go away somewhere…”

Bucky could feel the flush to his skin, the anger burning in his eyes as he watched Steve push back against him in rage. Fists feebly pounding on his chest, only grunts rather than yelling unlike earlier.

It’s not Bucky’s fault he had to enlist and be shipped out. It’s not like he wanted to leave Steve behind, not be able to keep an eye on the dumb punk. But if it meant he could go and Steve stay, and remain safe and alive, than Bucky would willing do it.

Steve didn’t seem to agree. Hell, Bucky had seen this coming, all Steve could talk about was trying to find his way in, to do his part. And what he wanted to do, was serve.

Placing his hands on Steve’s shoulders, gently stopping him from wearing himself out, he lets out a soft sigh. “Stevie… it’s not like I want to leave you here, and you know that’s not what I mean. I don’t want to have to worry about you over there, when over here you’re raising hell already… Please… don’t make this harder than it has to be…”

Bucky could hear the slight crack to his voice, goddamn him. He didn’t want to fall apart in front of Steve, but the pure anger radiating from such a small frame, all directed at him, was disheartening.

“It’s not fucking fair, Buck… You said we’d be together ‘til the end of the line… What do you call going halfway ‘cross the world?” Shaking his head, the tension leaving his shoulders, Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, burying his head against him. “It’s not fair, you promised…”

Hugging him close, holding his own tears back, Bucky pressed a light kiss to golden hair before resting his chin atop of it gently. “I know… I know I did. But even the whole goddamn world could keep me from loving you. You’re my whole heart, Stevie. I’ll always be with you. And that’s ‘til the end of the line, pal.”

“Every morning into every night, do you watch over me like the sun in the sky. Am I all alone, I’m standing in your light, I wish that I could… maybe… sing you a song… tonight… You’d promise me we’d stay for the sunset…”

Bucky sung softly to himself, singing a song he used to sing Steve when he thought Steve was asleep or unaware of him singing. Ending on a sigh, rubbing his face, he pushes up against the railing of the balcony. He was aware their three friends had left, when he couldn’t say though.

Unaware he had left the door to the balcony cracked, he wasn’t aware of Steve’s presence until he was right beside him, brushing up against him as he joined him. Shivering at the contact, Bucky glanced over at him, watching as Steve avoided his gaze, watching their hands as he intertwined their pinkies together.

“Steve-” Pausing as he gets a shake of Steve’s head, he gives Steve a moment as he clearly tries to find a way to say something. Waiting until he watches Steve give up, Bucky lets out another soft sigh before gazing down at their hands. “Stevie… we can’t keep this up forever… we need to talk about what’s bothering you.”

Earning a nod in response this time, Bucky nods back and lets the silence fall back over them, giving Steve all the time he needs in the world. A softness falling over Bucky’s face, he leans his head against Steve’s shoulder as he begins to hum softly to him. Feeling Steve take in a deep breath, he listens as Steve lets it out and begins to talk, already a tremor in his voice. “Bucky… I’ve known you my whole life, you’ve taken care of me countless times and I-... I can’t even begin to thank you for all the things you’ve done for me.” Taking Bucky’s hand fully into his, Bucky glances up to gaze at Steve, he still wasn’t looking directly at him, but if he was finally going to let out whatever was bothering him, then Bucky didn’t care what he looked at.

“I know… that… or at least… After you fell from the train, all those years ago… I-... I never went looking for you… I never even thought… that you could still be alive after a fall like that… Bucky, what happened to you was all my fault… I’m so sorry… It’s all my fault…” Steve’s voice breaking as he shakes his head, squeezing his hand tightly before letting it go and withdrawing from him. Reaching out and holding his hand tightly in his, Bucky shook his head as he pulled Steve into his arms.

“No. Stevie… What happened to me? That’s not your fault. It’s not yours. It’s not mine. You didn’t know… You didn’t know, that’s not your fault. You had the world to save-”

“But, Bucky, you are my whole world.”

Taking in a deep breath, Bucky held Steve tighter, not letting him run away this time. Not from this. It wasn’t either of their faults what happened to him. “Steve, it’s not your fault. It never was. You can’t go and change the past. But we can focus on the now and hope for a better future. We’re both here now, together. That’s what matters…”

Squeezing Steve as tight as he can before releasing him, grounding him to the present, Bucky takes a step back and cups Steve’s cheeks in his hands. Wiping the few tears that continue to fall, Bucky’s lips tremble up into a soft smile. “If I kiss you, will it make everything better?”

Letting that sink in, watching as the laugh bursts out of Steve, Bucky takes that as a yes and leans forward, pressing their lips together in a tender kiss. Pulling away and pressing their foreheads together, Bucky gently rubs Steve’s cheeks. “Stevie… I’ll always be here with you. Always. ‘Til the end of the line pal…”

Watching as Steve calms down visibly, not saying anything as Steve nods once more, he grins and gently rubs the tips of their noses together. “And I know we missed the sunset… but even after all the darkness and the nightmares, the sun rises too.”

Taking Steve’s hand in his own, gazing into his eyes and watching as more tears form, this time out of something besides sadness, he earns another kiss before Steve pulls him into his arms this time.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Buck… Whatever you do, don’t die on me… please,” Barely a whisper, but ever deafening in Bucky’s ears, Bucky chuckles softly as they both turn to look over the horizon, the first glimpse of the sun shining in the sky.

“Don’t worry, you won’t ever have to again… that’s a promise.”

Watching as the sun rises higher in the sky, remaining in each other’s embrace, Bucky couldn’t imagine anywhere he’d rather be. Despite the nightmares that plague Steve, Bucky will always be there to remind them that the sun still rises even after the dark. Just as Steve had once done for him. No matter what happens to the two of them, they’ll always be there for the other, and that within itself was a promise.

[marirable]

The Congregation wanted my head, Marcus. Gerbert is frothing at the prospect of unseating us. Our future is hanging in the balance. The Knights may be needed at any moment, and they need an experienced, committed leader. I am Philippe's only surviving blood son. I should be Grand Master.

[marirable]

“A time-spinning weaver with plenty of water and fire in her. Not a combination I thought to see in my lifetime.” © Shadow of Night

A DISCOVERY OF WITCHES (2018-)

[marirable]

I’m in charge of the military side, you’re in charge of the technical. The technical side?